Xbox-A-Gogo 01.27.07
Posted by Joshua Richey on 01.27.2007
What do Turok, Halo 3, Laser Cats, and Jessica Biel's ass have in common? Why they're all discussed in this weeks edition of Xbox-A-Gogo
This is the part where I'm supposed to apologize for not writing anything last week, but you know what? I'm not! When the time came to sit down and write my column last week, I chose to instead go out and get drunk off my ass. I don't regret it; and more than likely, it won't be the last time that it happens. However, this will be the last Xbox-A-Gogo for at least a little while.
A number of very unfortunate things have happened within my family over the last few weeks; and frankly, I just need some me time. So I'm taking a temporary hiatus from 411Mania. No, I'm not completely leaving. I'm just going to take a break and refocus my attention to some of the more important things in life.
OPENING ARGUMENTS
Putting Things into Perspective
I'm going to try and say this without coming off as ‘sappy', but I'm not sure if that's possible. Last night I lost someone very close to me. She was a woman that had been there for me since birth and to this day was one of the most influential people in my life. While I've spent the last few years drinking with my friends and playing video games, she was battling her second fight with cancer.
I went to see her at the hospice center just last night, just trying to prep myself for the inevitable. But as she passed away a mere 3 hours after I had left, I realized that no amount of preparation can lessen the blow of someone close to you dying.
We spend a countless amount of hours with our video games; killing; and going for head shots, but I think that it's important that at some point you take a step back and learn to appreciate the ones around you. Turn off the video games and go watch a movie with your family. Parties are great and all, but please, try to find some time for those close to you. Because when they're gone, you're going to feel guilty for all the time that you ‘could have' spent with them. Learn to make sacrifices for the people that you love, because they make sacrifices for you every single day.
Back when I was a little kid, my Grandma took me to go see a movie that neither of my parents would ever sit through. Knowing that it was something that I wanted, my Grandma took me to go see it. The movie was called 3 Ninjas, and looking back at it, was probably one of the absolute dumbest movies that I'd ever seen in my life. I remember walking out of the theater that day and practicing karate moves on my way to the car. I was obviously enamored with 3 Ninjas but I could tell that she wasn't. It's petty, and in no way does that story pay any justice to just how great she actually was; but I think it summarizes what I was talking about. Even the smallest of sacrifices can make a difference.
I also can't help but to mention Jennifer Strange in this as well. Jennifer is that woman that died tragically from that stupid 'Hold Your Wee For A Wii' contest. I'm sure you've all heard about it, but that woman made the ultimate sacrifice... just so that her children could get their hands on a Wii.
Death is never easy for people; nor should it ever be. Turn the games off and go spend some time with your loved ones.
Holy crap! Have you seen the screens for the new Turok game? If not, click the above link and see them for yourself. This game looks to be on the right track. The original Turok was one of my favorite games for the Nintendo 64, but then afterwards it seemed to fade off into obscurity. Why? Well, it was published by Acclaim - which should clear up any and all answers regarding as to why the franchise sunk to the depths of suck.
The game is now being developed by Buena Vista Games, and looks to take a dino-sized bite out of the Next-Gen market. (see what I did there?)
Oh, don't you just love cross promotions? Yeah, neither do I. It appears that if you want to play Halo 3 before its release, you're going to have to get a beta invite. How do you go about this? Well you could have registered for it at Halo3.com, OR you can simply purchase Crackdown on February 20th. IGN has confirmed that every single copy of the game will have a beta invite with it. So there...
Speaking of Crackdown, the demo for the game went live on the Xbox Live Marketplace this past Tuesday. I, myself, have downloaded it and spent some time with it. Impressions? Well, I was kind of impressed. It does remind you a lot of Grand Theft Auto, and I was able to have some fun with it. But at this stage, I don't think I would buy it. If I did buy it, than the only reason I would - would be for that Halo 3 beta invite. It just doesn't seem like it has much replay ability. Sure, jumping 30 feet, and tossing cars around is fun - but it gets old quick.
- Quick horrible story for you: I went to the local Meijer the other morning and walked through their video game department. There, I saw 3 Nintendo Wii's. Mind you that I've been looking for a Wii ever since it was released. This was the first time that I had seen a Wii just sitting there; but for some reason, I chose to do nothing. Absolutely nothing. A few hours later, I realized the mistake that I had made and went back to Meijer to buy one of those Wii's. But to my dismay, the Wii's were no longer there. I almost cried.
- A lot of people say that Saturday Night Live isn't funny anymore. This is true. But occasionally they do strike gold. One such example is Laser Cats...
I'm a huge fan of the Hitman franchise from IO Interactive. Now, in addition to a new Hitman game, IO Interactive is developing a game called Kane and Lynch: Dead Men - which looks to have the same look and feel as the Hitman games did. Of all the games to be released in 2007, I'm just as stoked for this one as I am for Halo 3 and Grand Theft Auto 4. Here's the trailer for it, enjoy.
With this being my last Babe of the Week (for at least a little while), I figured I would try something a little different this time around. I wanted to post pictures of the 'ultimate girl'. Who is this ultimate girl? Well, I don't know; she may not even exist. But if I could create the 'ultimate woman' - I would pick and choose certain characteristics that I loved about modern day women - take those, and then combine them all into one being. Basically like Kelly LeBrock in Weird Science.
Brains - Yes, girls need brains. It's one of the harsh realities of life. With that being said, what would the ultimate woman think about? What would be her interests? What would be her hobbies? This is an important part because you cannot just pick any girls brain. Say if you were to select Rosie O'Donnell's brain... then what you would have would be this mouth-running, donut-stuffing, feminist that preferred a woman's vagina over your manly parts. I actually flirted with the prospect of picking Jenna Jameson's brain. I mean, that woman loves sex! She's always 'open' to try new things; plus she's all for having other women in the bedroom. Then I began to think... Jenna Jameson has had with hundreds (if not thousands) of guys... so she's out. Instead we'll go with Morgan Webb.
Morgan Webb seems like the type of girl that you could settle down with. She's generally conservative and has that smartass humor that I too have. The best things about Morgan Webb is that she's a gamer. She's not just some pretty face that talks about video games on her show X-Play - she's really a gamer. How nice would it be to have a woman that was more concerned about leveling up her character - than shoes? Real nice, right?
Face - What do we look for in a woman's face? Do you go with the natural beauty, or the surgically repaired wonder? Do the eyes play a major factor? Does she require makeup in order to be associated with? These are all very tough questions; but I do have someone in mind. I'm going with a girl who's face is more in the cute/adorable ballpark - rather than a girl with the face that makes you go 'OMG!' This girl is none other than Mandy Moore. What you get with Mandy Moore is a woman that can look exotic, adorable, and innocent. It was a tough call between Mandy and Natalie Portman; as both have those same abilities. But in the end, it was Mandy's eyes that gives her the edge.
Boobs - Show me a man that says that boobs aren't important, and I will show you a man that deserves to have my fist embedded into his skull. Boobs are very important. They make life worth living for. They're there to fillout those hot bathing suits. They nourish our children, they're fun to play with... so of course you need boobs. In my philosophy, the bigger the boobs the better. Wait, I take that back. If your boobs have been altered to be bigger... than you don't count. If your boobs are big because you're fat (in that sense, everything is big) than you don't count. We're talking all natural boobies here. When it comes to the 'best jugs in Hollywood', only one woman comes to mind: Salma Hayek. Jesus, just look at those things. It's almost as if they're saying: 'Let us out out here!'
Ass - It angers me when ladies try to label me as a 'breast man' or an 'ass man'. Bitch, don't you know that I'm both? The ass isn't more important than the boobs, just as the boobs aren't more important than the ass. I couldn't imagine having one without the other. It would be like having Starsky without Hutch; Cheech without Chong; Zack Morris without Screech Powers. And when it comes to asses in Hollywood, nobody can compete with Jessica Biel. Loot at that thing. That thing's good. I wanna talk to it.
In closing...
Well that's it for me, well, at least for a little while. Again, I'm simply taking a break from 411Mania... I'm not leaving for good. I thank you all for taking the time to read my stuff, and I'll be back sooner than later.
