Angry Gaming 03.05.07: Brace Yourselves
Posted by Damian Sarcuni on 03.05.2007
Boycotts at night, gamers delight. Castlevania matinee by morning, gamers take warning.
Welcome to Angry Gaming, the place where all that leftover malice from Shadowhearts goes after each game. I am your hate master, Damian Sarcuni, and today I am referring to myself as the salami swami as much as possible. Feed me Seymour!
Brace Yourselves
Have you ever seen the Disney movie The Little Mermaid? Yeah you have, don't lie. Everybody saw that damn movie, and everyone loved it, or at least parts of it. There's something in that movie for everyone, from the god awful love songs to the maniac chef who keeps trying to cook Sebastian the crab. Personally, my favorite character in the movie is the sailor on Prince Eric's ship who only yells one line: "Hurricane a comin'! STAND FAST!! SECURE THE RIGGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN'!!" That is the 2nd greatest line in all Disney flicks (the 1st is "How could you hope to defeat me? ME?! The mistress of all evil!!" in Sleeping Beauty) and ever since then I haven't been able to look up at a rain cloud filled sky without feeling the urge to belt that line at the top of my lungs.
Oh my fellow gamers, we could learn a lot from that sailor. There is indeed a hurricane a comin' in the gaming community, and you don't need psychic powers to know it. That's great because I hate making predictions, but these are anything but that. The troubles that the game industry will face this year are in plain sight, but for some reason no one is talking about them yet. I guess as humans we tend to cling to the idea that we'll somehow get lucky and history won't repeat itself yet again, that games have evolved past the stereotypes and mainstream misery that gets shoved upon us every two years or so. Luckily, the fatalists at Angry Gaming are here to tell you what's up. There are no crystal balls here, just pure logic and historical facts, with just a hint of disappointment in the gaming media for not taking a stand against this crap early on.
Yet I also feel the need to betray my column title once again and actually do something constructive to try and stop all this misery from happening. It's not so much love for my fellow gamers as it is a half hearted attempt to change the inevitable future. I feel like I'm standing on the deck of the Titanic with all of you as it starts to sink. Jumping up on one of the rails and yelling "I told you so!" just doesn't seem all that appealing, so along with the oncoming misery we've also thrown in a few minor suggestions that just maybe might protect us from the wave of discontent that fast approaches.
Keep your chins up as well. We aren't predicting the gaming apocalypse here, just another annoying witch hunt or two in which the big name companies of the world will make us individuals that much more frustrated and depressed over our favorite hobbies. Life is a series of down endings and we gamers, fresh off the releases of 3 brand spanking new console systems, are overdue for our share of social hell. Prepare to be the scapegoats for the mainstream once again kids. These are 3 of the major issues that gamers will have to deal with in the coming year or so:
Manhunt 2 on the Wii
When I heard Manhunt was scheduled to gain a sequel, like many other fans of the original I jumped for joy. When I found out it would be released on the Nintendo Wii, I jumped even higher. Not only is this game seriously adulterated, which would help squash the Wii's image of being for kids only, but it is also a game that just screams innovation. The game practically writes itself. As the sequel to one of the most dark and violent games of all time, Manhunt 2 will allow players to truly get in on all the gut wrenching action, this time with even more depth.
Just imagine all the great kills you will be able to pull off with your Wiimote! Think of the great hacking, slashing, and decapitating motions you will make with the motion sensitive controller as you maim and kill your way to…
Aw hell.
It didn't take long before I realized what was about to happen. Manhunt 2 is going to a system known for its kid friendliness AND its motion sensitive movement. It's obvious what Rockstar is trying to accomplish here, and it certainly will be entertaining. Unfortunately, it's only a matter of time before some 8 year old brat gets his hands on the game and starts having nightmares about all the innocent people he's killed, or some teen angst filled moron decides he wants to cry for help criminal record on a video game that supposedly taught him how to kill.
The media is going to have an absolute field day with this one. I can already see the late night Barbara Walters special showcasing a group of little kids standing in some white walled laboratory room with a TV and a Wii controller, stabbing downward into an imaginary foe ala Jason from Friday the 13th while nice middle aged men in lab coats and Bible belt Christian Coalition member parents shake their heads in sorry while starting through a two way mirror. The scene will cut to Ed Bradley sitting in a chair asking "And this game is available at stores everywhere?" to which the hot shot lawyer who is suing Rockstar at the time, sitting across from Ed, will nod slowly and say "Yes, and this is only the beginning."
Once again, gamers are going to be painted as mindless maggots who are using their Nintendo consoles as training devices to turn into an army of brainwashed serial killer mutants hell bent on destroying the peaceful, timid existence of those poor innocent Medicaid receiving souls who frequent the nightly news like their hardworking forefathers did when this country was decent. Anyone notice how long my sentences are? I'm not going into this much detail just to fill up space. I CAN go into this much detail, because we've been here so many times before. It happens every so years, the bi-annual video game witch hunt that either results in a few minor increases in the government's censorship programs, or eventually tapers off when concerned parents of latchkey kids find something else to blame for their lack of care giving ability (usually something real scary sounding like West Nile or the Ebola virus).
We have to cut this weed before it starts to grow in the first place. My recommendation is to battle censorship with more censorship. With the ESRB now increasing its staff size and requirements of consideration for submission, now is the time to drop them a line. You can do that here. Tell them you are proud of their ratings system and you want to stress their importance by sending reminders to all game stores about them. Laws regarding sales of video games to minors should be strictly enforced, or at least that's what we should tell them. Whether you agree or not, you can bet your ass that when the 20/20 crones go knocking on the door of your local Gamestop, they'll be more than happy to show a copy of their most recent government issued orders from the ESRB. That ought to shut up the media blood hounds nice and tight for awhile.
Games on Film
We spoke about this briefly last week, but hardly gave the matter the attention it deserved. Video game licenses are going to be hot in the movies soon, with yet another Resident Evil flick on its way, as well as the debut of the legendary Castlevania on to the silver screen. As all the critics in the 411mania movie section can tell you, chances are this is going to suck.
Movie production studios have become far too focused on finding the latest gimmick to make a quick buck in the theater, and our beloved game licenses are going to suffer greatly because of that. While nothing concrete has been shown as of late, many long time game fans are already groaning at the thought of some cheesy Simon Belmont wannabe using Indiana Jones style whip techniques to swing and swipe his way across Castle Dracula as if it were some lost tomb seething with Nazis. Yes, there is a chance that the movie will actually be good, but its about the same odds as you get for one of those super cool 1,000,000gp drops you keep hearing about in your favorite MMORPG. Even if lightning does strike somehow and the movie is halfway decent, just imagine the legion of summer blockbuster action fans you'll have to deal with jumping on the merchandise ridden bandwagon, going on about how cool it would be use boomerang crosses and flammable holy water in real life. Oh yes, things do not bode well for the gaming populous at the theater.
Don't get me started on Resident Evil either. Those movies have gone so far away from the original story arc; it's not even funny anymore. I can remember a time when the events in RE actually inspired FEAR, but a butt kicking Mila Jovovich cyborg sort of sucks the danger out of the situation, for me at least. Movie producers simply refuse to leave this series alone, which has already gone through great lengths to extend this particular cash cow's milk supply. Umbrella Inc. may be dead and gone in the games, but it'll be back soon enough, and it's still alive in the theater and as far as all the movie goers are concerned that's enough of a plot to throw down $10 on (not including popcorn).
I won't try to incite a boycott of either film as a solution to this particular issue, but I do think that we should all pay close attention to each film's development. Let's be honest, between promotional spots, interviews, leaked information and pre screen test audiences, its relatively easy to judge a movie by its cover long before you throw your hard earned cash down. If a game based movie sucks, we'll know long before our butts go into the seats. So pay close attention to sites like IMDB.com and the 411mania movies section. Keep up to date on each film, and if they look bad enough, pull the plug. Don't pay to see either movie. Ignore the voice in your head that tells you "but it's a video game franchise! I have to go see it to at least make fun of it!" No. This isn't Mystery Science Theater 3000. If you throw down your money on a flick and hate it, producers will still make more of that same flick just to get you to throw down your money again. This time around, make the educated choice, and forego these flicks that are about to butcher our beloved game series.
The PS3 Price Cut
This one is sort of along the same principles as the game based movie investigation. The difference here however, is that this is a boycott outright. It's only a matter of time before the Sony PS3 drops in price considerably. Most likely this will happen when the killer apps hit the store shelves. Grand Theft Auto 4 and Metal Gear: Guns of the Patriots will force Sony to make their console that much more affordable to the gaming public, and will prompt their last ditch attempt to show a profit on the console's dismal sales record. Without the number of exclusive releases on the PS3 however, this attempt won't have nearly the strength it needs to have any effect.
Do not fall for Sony's tricks. This is our chance to collectively shout as a single voice that game developers who break promises and screw up their products will not be backed by the vital gaming community. Don't be tempted by Sony's hardware becoming cheaper. It will be just as useless when the price drops as it is now, and should the console ultimately fail all those exclusive games will surely make the rounds to the Nintendo Wii and Xbox 360.
The Anger
Again, these are not predictions. These are inevitabilities, based on announcements gaming and entertainment developers have made already. It isn't hard to see what is on the horizon for gamers, and while there are plenty more great games to play and fun experiences to be had in this and the forthcoming years, there is quite a bit of stormy weather ahead as well. We need to prepare ourselves for it now, or at least ready up mentally to block out the attacks of the mainstream media until it all passes. Until then…STAND FAST!!! SECURE THE RIGGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN'!!!
