The Digital Pulse 03.30.07: Conservative Jack Attacks
Posted by Joshua Richey on 03.30.2007
So who wants to see the new Grand Theft Auto IV trailer? Who wants to see me rag on Jack Thompson?
Welcome to another edition of The Digital Pulse. As always, I'm your oh-so-hot-hot-host, Joshua Richey.
Recently, attorney Jack Thompson went into this lawsuit frenzy that everyone in the industry seen coming from miles away. In the suits, we have notable companies such as Rockstar, ESRB, Gamespot, Game Informer, and IGN. Thompson also made it a point to go after some of the smaller video game reporters such as Joystiq and Kotaku. Perhaps the gaming community has underestimated the hell that one Jack Thompson can unleash. If nothing more, we now realize that Jack Thompson (aka Conservative Jack) is our enemy; and to fight your enemy, you must know your enemy. So in this edition of The Digital Pulse, I'll try my best to better inform you, the gamer, on what makes this man tick.
He's a merciless, soulless, creature that'll haunt your most frightening nightmares. He lurks in shadows and preys on the innocent and unsuspecting. Only his sheer execrable outlook on what life ‘should be' surpasses his natural vileness.
No, I'm not talking about Ray Romano or even Jay Leno… I'm talking about none other than Conservative Jack. Jack Thompson.
What's that? You say that you've never heard of this meager excuse for an individual? Well, according to legend, Conservative Jack never sleeps; instead, he spends his days and nights lurking in his Florida based Law Office – looking for more efficient ways of making the world a more tedious place – he does this while, at the same time, trying to find ways to keep his name in the press. Conservative Jack loves attention from the press.
Let's make a few things clear about Jack and Jack's views: Conservative Jack loathes violent movies, he is disgusted by all music that's been released since the Police split up, and last (but not least) he HATES video games. Conservative Jack's repugnance with video games doesn't end there, if you or someone you know is a fan of video games – than Conservative Jack already despises you. Conservative Jack is not going to rest until you're spending your Friday evenings at home playing Connect Four with your Great Grandma.
From this day on, you must be cautious and aware of Conservative Jack. Look underneath your bed at night, lock your doors, and leave some sort of light source on in your home at all times (rumors say that his evil powers are vulnerable to the light). These things are of the highest of importance. Get caught within Jack's warpath and he will not hesitate to serve you with a lawsuit. Word has it that one time, Conservative Jack sued his own mother just to meet his weekly quota. His own mother! Another time, Jack Thompson approached former Attorney General, Janet Reno, handed her a slip of paper that asked that she check whether she was homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual. Reno put her hand on Conservative Jack's shoulder and said ‘I'm only interested in virile men. That's why I'm not attracted to you.' So you know what Conservative Jack did next? He sued that bitch for touching his shoulder. Oh snap!
Perhaps the most terrifying thing about Conservative Jack is that he feels he's doing the World a favor in doing these things. He feels as though he's the good guy… kind of like Adolf Hitler did. He likes to say that he's just trying to keep violent video games out of the hands of children, but actually, that's just a cover so that he can gain public support in his other endeavors. If the children were really the reasoning for Jack's actions, than why is it that no Pro-Family organization wants to be affiliated with him?
In his most recent actions to ensure his ‘badassness', Conservative Jack filed lawsuits against basically everyone that's ever had anything negative to say about him. That'll show them bastards. Among the ‘suckers' were Gamespot, IGN, EGM, and Penny Arcade. Yes, the same Penny Arcade that has raised over 2 million dollars in toys and games for sick little boys and girls in Children's Hospitals all across the county. I suppose that'll show them.
At this pace, it's only a matter of time until Jack tries to sue the entire Internet. But luckily for us, Jack's not very good at what he does. You see… he's all talk. His lawsuits are nothing more than a lowballing scare tactic. Take a look at his track record if you would…
Jack's Complaint: In the early 1990's, Jack tried his best to put an end to rap music before it could really begin to take off. He used everything in his legal repertoire to stop the likes of NWA and 2 Live Crew from getting their music out to the general public.
Outcome: Nothing. In fact, since that time, music has only gotten more obscene and explicit.
Score: 0/1
Jack's Complaint: (As mentioned above:) Jack attempts to publicly humiliate Janet Reno at a campaign event. Reno turns the tables and leaves Thompson looking like an ass. Thompson sues.
Outcome: Judge find's Thompson's complaints as nothing more than a ‘political ploy' and throws it out.
Score: 0/2
Jack's Complaint: Jack is appalled at Rockstar for releasing a game that allows you to bully other kids – in the appropriately enough titled Bully. He attempts to keep the game from ever hitting store shelves.
Outcome: Bully actually is about going against bullies in school, and the game hits store shelves with a nice T – for Teen – rating.
Score: 0/3
I think you get the point. Thompson's now got his sights set on Grand Theft Auto IV and Manhunt 2... which already has him salivating. But Gamers, don't worry. This guy is not the threat that some may think. For all his bitching and moaning - he's accomplished precisely 'dick' when it comes to making any difference whatsoever. Now that I've got all of that off my chest, I present you with these two clips. In Clip 1, you'll get to see G4's Adam Sessler have a debate with our hero, Jack Thompson, about how violent video games impact society. Clip 2 doesn't really serve any purpose other than to make you 'lol' in your pants.
It's quite strange that here we are elbow's deep into the 'next generation' of console gaming - yet, one of the most highly anticipated games of the new year is for the PS2. Oh yes, Kratos is back in God of War II, and he's here to kick some more mythological ass.
God of War II takes what the original God of War did so well and improves on it ten-fold. The levels are bigger, the bosses are stronger, the violence is more brutal, and the experience is even more satisfying. I'm not a big fan of developers feeling that they've got to change up or improve portions of a game just to please gamers. There's a reason that the original was so great, so why change it? Sony and SCE didn't feel that need, and the game still turned out to be incredible.
This last week, Sony Fanboys got their panties all in a bunch at the news that Devil May Cry was no longer going to be a Playstation Exclusive. A lot of crying for no damn reason, I say; given that I can't think of a more overrated franchise in the last 10 years than the Devil May Cry series. Talk about about a mediocre game that seems to get praise for no damn reason... that's Devil May Cry. As a 360 backer, I would gladly sacrifice Halo, Gears of War, and Bioshock to get God of War onto the 360. Relax Sony Fan. Just because you've lost GTA, Devil May Cry, and Ace Combat - doesn't mean that you're $600 PS3 is already rendered useless. You've still got Tekken, Metal Gear, and God of War - which with God of War II has now cemented itself as a powerhouse.
Verdict:
So there's this game called Grand Theft Auto IV coming out for the Xbox 360 and PS3 in October. Anyone ever heard of this game? Well here's the world debut of GTA on the next-gen!
Have you got $20 bucks lying in your wallet that you've no idea what to do with? Well, you're in luck. I'm here to tell you to spend that $20 on Casino Royale; which was released 2 weeks ago on DVD. I don't care if you're a James Bond fan or not. You're going to fucking love this movie. I, like many, was skeptical of Daniel Craig becoming the next 007; but looking back at it - having those worries was completely uncalled for. Prepare for a new era of James Bond. He's not the smooth, one-liner delivering agent that we're all accustomed to. Craig's Bond is much more serious. He's a genuine badass. In Casino Royale, you get to see why James Bond becomes the way that he does. You get to see why he's so hesitant to trust others. You sort of get an idea as to why he later becomes such a womanizer. And you also get to see him deliver his first 'Bond... James Bond.'
