What If 04.18.07: Week 2

Posted by Greg Bruno on 04.18.2007

After the first amazing installment of “What If” and many e-mails from fans wanting to have their questions answered, we did it again! Were you one of the few to get chosen? Come inside for free enlightenment!



After the monumental first edition of "What If", we just had to answer some more uber-important questions for the masses. And luckily for me, I don't need to go on welfare or sell my incredibly lovely man lumps for money. The questions came flowing in and after much deliberation and lab tests, these lucky reader's questions will finally be answered, thus giving them the ability to sleep at night. This week we are lucky enough to have our questions deliberated by three of 411 Games' writers. Morakoth Tang takes a break from reviewing titles such as Theme Park DS. Be sure to check that sucker out if you're into touch screen goodness. Do you enjoy Xbox Live Arcade? 411's Steve McHugh obviously does! Check out his most recent review for Zuma:Deluxe . Last but certainly not least, we have the originator of The SIXAXIS himself, Andrew Mellick. Be sure to check this week's edition for all your Sony gaming news. I hear it's especially chocolatey this week. So, on with the show!

What If...

Tom from Tinley Asks

What if Lara Croft lost one boob? Still worth playing?

MK: Are you telling me that the only reason people play Tomb Raider is because of Laura Croft's polygon boobs? Don't answer it, it doesn't matter. Come on peoples, Laura is old there are way more crazy video game chicks that are out now!!! If she lost the boob it's on to the next. Does this sound horrible and insensitive? Do we just cast aside the original game chick? Well…yes because in the world of video games there is no end of the game vixens with huge boobs. The abundance of game chicks makes room for sacrifice; Lara Croft's recent games kind of suck anyways and that's what it boils down to. If the boob is gone and the game is good I'll play it, and if the boob is still there and the game sucks it's not worth playing. Who cares!!?!?!? I like real boobs!

Steve McHugh With only one boob Lara's only movement would now consist of running around in circles making it a difficult, yet hysterical, game to play. However it's still better then Angel of Darkness.

Andrew Mellick Wow, I don't even want to know how you came up with this question. If developers could pull this off, it'd be one of the greatest games in history. Here's how. Picture it, the game starts with a cut scene Lara is hunting some rare artifact when BOOM an explosion! Lara looks up to see a strange man with an eye patch vanish just before she is covered in hale of rocks and debris. She comes to in Intensive care. "Am I alright?" "You're gonna be just fine Lara, but…" "But what?" "We had to take your left breast." "NOOOOO!!!"
This is where the game starts; Lara is scarred up, pissed and ready for revenge. Throughout the game you'll have to explore new worlds, investigate mysteries, and battle a variety of enemies on your hunt for the truth. The real kicker in this game will be the motion sensor. This game will best be suited on the Wii or PS3 seeing as both have the motion sensing. The game will require you to perform various actions from the simplest (brushing your teeth, getting dressed) to the most difficult (fist fights over pits of alligators and what not) while maintaining your balance. Keep that controller at the right angle or BAM, Lara's face goes through the bathroom mirror. Trying to nail that combo and drop the side of the controller a bit too much and WHOOSH you're in a pit of Alligators. You see the main thing here is balance. Since a big portion of Lara's "personality" is missing she must account for this through out the game. So how does this epic tale end? Well, if I created it, Lara would battle her way to the end to find out who the patch wearing assailant is…
"Freeze!"
(bad guy turns around)
"Solid Snake?"
"Yeah"
"But…why?"
"Sorry I didn't realize it was you. I saw a bat and I got scared."
"You mistook me, Lara Croft…for a bat?"
"Give me a break, I wear a freakin' eye patch! But hey I see ya now baby and it looks all good."
"Really? Even with my missing…personality?"
"What? Remember eye patch. I only see half of everything, and the half I see is all good baby!"
"Oh Snake!"
End scene, Snake and Lara settle down together effectively ending both series on a high note. Roll credits. But in true Kojima fashion we get a little extra phone call at the end.
"Snake?"
"Yeah?"
"I just got back from the doctor's. I'm pregnant!"
Sequels galore!


Lara's only packin' half what she used to!

Gamma Phi Kevin Asks...

What if PETA got pissed off at Nintendo for having Donkey Kong in Mario Kart getting hit by shells and lightning bolts, who should take his place?

MK: Captain Olimar and the Pikmins!! Must I say more? Instead of turtle shells Pikmins will be the weapon of choice. PETA in no way or form can even touch this deal. Imagine those little red Pikmins head-butting the crap out of your opponent while you swoop by honking playing that little trumpet then leaving your suicidal yellow Pikmins to finish the job. It's perfect and all I can say is AWESOME!!!! I'd buy two copies of this game maybe even three!! Call me, Nintendo, well work some ideas out!

Steve McHugh I'm kinda surprised that this hasn't happened yet. But with no Donkey Kong, and by extension Diddy and Bowser Nintendo would have to get creative and come up with all new characters to rival the existing ones popularity. So Nintendo would do the only thing they know how. Stick a 'W' in front of peoples names, step forward. Wincess Weach (or Woadstool), Wooshroom and my favourite, Woshi. These would become the news stars of many of Nintendo's games including, Woshi Cricket and Wooshroom shuffle board. Let the excitement commence!!!

Andrew Mellick This is a very viable question. The gaming world is one of the last few haven's that PETA hasn't touched, but you know it's a matter of time until they do. So this deserves consideration. The major problem here is the rampant turtle abuse throughout the mushroom kingdom. Just because you can't make coats out of them doesn't mean they have no use. Turtle soup, turtle ice cream, and let's not forget the turtle neck sweater. So what character could possibly replace the big ape? Well the main one I could think of would be a "Boo" one of the ghosts. They would probably have a really scary ride and maybe give them a special power in the haunted tracks. A vast untapped resource would also be all the unused characters from Super Mario RPG. If you are looking for characters from other series' that would fit well in the racer I wouldn't mind seeing Link, Kirby, Snake, Alucard, Star Fox, Mega Man, Pac man, Samus, Ryu or Scorpion. There is a whole world of options out there. But my favorite idea would be a whole new character. He would have to be hip and edgy. Maybe a rapper, oh wait, a rapping PETA pamphlet! Call him PETA P. I can see it now; instead of turtle shells he could throw pamphlets and videos of abused animals. Of course to top it off when he wins a race he has to drop a rhyme promoting PETA.
Take it from PETA P
Winning is cool
But wearin' fur
That takes a fool
So get the facts
Its hip to be sure
Let animals be
Fur is Murder
BOOYA!

Pierre Asks...

What if Martin Scorsese (director of The Departed, Goodfellas, etc.) worked on the Shadow the Hedgehog video game?

MK: What if? Dude he's been working on the next Shadow the Hedgehog game since the original Sonic. From the script I read (because you know Martin doesn't do Game Design Documents) Shadow is working as an undercover agent for Sonic who's trying to break into Dr. Robotic's mafia. At the same time Tails as we know him is Sonic's "best friend" has been working the inside for Dr. Robotics since Sonic 2. Well anyway I can't get into it too much, Martin says, "It's ground breaking and probably will be the best Shadow/Sonic game evaaar!" It might even be a good script for a movie.

Steve McHugh Shadow would be a member of a hedgehog family who would run the criminal underworld headed by the 'Don' Sonic. Shadow would also have a friend called Paulie who whilst a close companion would also be utterly insane. Together they would perform tasks for 'the family' but after a night out at at bar Paulie and Tails would get into an argument resulting in Paulie stabbing Tails to death with a pen (to much rejoicing). Sonic would then put a hit on Paulie and Shadow for disrespecting his family resulting in the brutal murder of Paulie and forcing Shadow to turn states evidence and be put into the witness relocation programme where he lives out the rest of his life as Brian Hizowitz.

Andrew Mellick First off I'm pretty sure the gaming industry would collectively wet itself. Second, I think we could all agree that the game would take a darker turn, much darker. I can see it now.
Tails to Shadow: Man your fast.
Shadow: Fast? How am I fast?
Tails: I don't know you're just fast.
Shadow: Fast like a bus boy, fast like a little ferry squirrel? How the fuck am I fast!?
Tails: Come on man your just fast.
Shadow: How am I fuckin' fast?!
Tails (starts crying): I don't know.
Shadow: You know what else is fast? BOOM (tails head is blown clean off)
I would buy this game for that sequence alone! The game would undoubtedly have an M rating and draw the ire of Jack Thompson attorney at law. But what more could we expect from the actual story? Well for one thing there's got to be a twist, usually somewhere along the party lines. Somebody's got to be a double agent. My money is on Knuckles, he has always been a supporting character and wants his share of the glory. So he aligns with the enemy. Also, the game will most likely have a dark ending, dark as in everybody dying. I could see everybody gets wiped out in a big colossal gun fight and then, Shadow comes too with all his friends dead in their own blood, but just as he is ready to shed a tear, the sun breaks over the horizon. "Today is a new day" says Shadow, as he picks up his gun and walks into the rising sun. Long story short, this game would kick all kinds of ass, and most likely end the series.

Tbacksha Asks...

What if Metroid meets Star Fox, but only one series will continue and one of the side characters becomes an enemy for the victor and one of the victor's regulars dies off?

MK: Please you're complicating things by saying what if only one series can continue and what if the losers become the enemy for the "Victor's" side. There is no what ifs, there is only this truth!!! Metroid will be the victory and you'll start shooting Slippy and Fox in the face with the plasma cannon in no time. I mean how can Team Star Fox win? They are fighting a freaking number 1 seller, I mean a bounty hunter!! Ending transmission…


Steve McHugh Slippy Toad, fed up with the constant mocking and bulling from everyone due to his complete and utter uselessness, one day snaps killing his entire team and ends up going on the run. After the shock of the evil deeds committed by his one time friend General Pepper hires Samus Aran to seek Slippy out and bring him back to stand trial. Samus, tracks Slippy down but finds death and destruction in his wake as he has killed anyone who stood in his way including the Space Pirates. Eventually Samus finds Slippy on a distant planet where he has used his skills with technology to turn the planets inhabitants into his slaves as well as fitting himself with a power suit the equal of Samus'. After a long fight Slippy manages to escape the planet forcing Samus to continue hunting him down until a final controntation where he is arrested and sent back to stand trial. The final moments of the game show Slippy, now completely insane, escape jail and goes one the run vowing revenge on Samus.

Andrew Mellick First off this whole concept is nuts, I don't know why these guys would run into each other, or if they did, why they'd fight each other. So this is going to take some creativity. Here is what I see. There is a battle of epic proportions that takes place far in the future. Star Fox battle weary and tired of seeing the enemy get off with a slap on the wrist, has gone rogue and started finishing off enemies, execution style. Samus is sent to take down the crazy soldiers and end this madness once and for all. However, she has heard the legend of the great Star Fox Command and she still believes there is something good left in them. Unfortunately for her, she is wrong, dead wrong. She invades the Star Fox's stronghold only to find out that they are waiting for her. She enters what looks to be command central only to find that it is empty, the door slams shut behind her. Fox McCloud steps out of the shadows.
Fox: You were foolish to come along
Samus: I know you won't hurt a fellow soldier
Fox: I hold allegiance to only one now, PAIN!
Samus: Look in your heart, Fox. Remember who you used to be.
Fox: Sorry babe, all I see is a dark whole where a heart used to be.
Samus: What's that ticking?
Fox: The bomb planted in this room.
Samus: You're crazy you'll kill us both!
Fox: Not me, see this is just a holligram. The Star Fox unit is far from here watching the whole thing on satellite
Samus: So it's true, you really are INSANE?!
Fox: Afraid so babe, but look at the bright side, you're goin' out in a blaze of glory.
Samus: Wait!!! BOOM!
Now the gamer is left with his or her jaw on the floor, Samus is dead. But that was just the opening sequence. See all this didn't sit too well with a particular member of Star Fox, Slippy Toad. Now the game picks up as you and a band of rag tag frogs come to take down the crazed fox unit. Can you do it; can you take down one of the greatest Fox based units in military history? There is only one way to find out in Star Fox: Rise of Star Frog.


Wow, once again I feel as if seemingly impossible questions have been brought to the light. If you didn't feel some sort of tingle or slight movement in your pants from these deep answers, go check your pulse. Remember, if your question didn't get answered this week, there's always next time! What are you waiting for? Send all questions to [e-mail] with the subject heading WHAT IF. Please include your question(s) and the name you wish to be posted as if you question is chosen.