What If 05.02.07: Week 3
Posted by Greg Bruno on 05.02.2007
It's the special Greg's Birthday Edition of What If! Come on in to see if your question has been answered by the 411 Staff!
It's my column and I'll do what I want to! Do what I want to! That's right ladies and gentlemen, today marks the 23 year of my life starting. Just think how hopeless and meaningless your life could have been without a column like What If. "By the people and for the people," that's what I always say. Actually, I always say "Never noob combo, 'cause that makes you lame," but that's beside the point. Yes folks, we've come to week 3 of What If and by golly it falls right on my birthday. So, to make things a little more interesting I've answered some of the questions myself. Now just because I consider these questions my birthday present shouldn't deter you from sending valuables and/or life savings to me. I'm not one to hog the spotlight either. This week we're joined by the extremely talented Sean Garmer. You'll find Sean's latest review to be very informative. This also marks Sean's first appearance in the What If world. We're also joined by the magnificent Cory Moore from 411 games. Anything you'll want to know about the arcades can be found in his newest edition of The Fun Factor. So, allow me to blow out the candles while I wish for answers to these questions.....(insert blowing sound and image of smoking candles here).
Gun Artist asks... What If The N-Gage made a Massive and Unexpected comeback?
Sean Garmer: For one, if this ever happened? That would mean that everyone in the gaming world would have lost their minds. Hell froze over, the United States was no longer a super power, and gamers went back to the stone age. Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo must have screwed everyone over to the point that no one wanted to buy their systems anymore. Oh yeah, and the DS would have to die. Mainly, for that to happen Nokia would have to make it's own game division and hire every developer available, just to possibly make a decent game on a telephone (which won't happen). Also, that would mean that gamers suddenly didn't care about graphics, which we know would never happen either. Honestly, if the N-Gage ever made it big enough to make a dent in the game industry, it could kill games forever. Possibly, because it is tied to a phone it could cause a huge uprising in people playing games because it is rather accessible, but really, I'd like to not even think about it, because it's painful. Let me put it like this, Nokia make cheap ass phones and all their stuff looks old. That's what they did with the N-Gage, made a cheap phone with even cheaper gaming capabilities, and not to mention the international issues. It failed, end of story.
Cory: It'll put the PSP out of its misery once and for all. No, no, I'm just kidding. If the N-Gage made a massive comeback, it could start a 3-way handheld war. The DS could be for the quirky gamers, the PSP would serve to the 'hip' crowd, and the N-Gage could serve to the casual gamer, something Nintendo is losing thanks to the phasing out of the GBA.
Greg Bruno:*Feels ground*...Nope. Doesn't feel cold. I guess hell hasn't frozen over. Oh N-Gage, we hardly knew ye. If it did happen to come back, you just know all those N-Gage Fanboys will be all "N-G FTW!" While everyone else will be all like "Dude STFU". Before you know it, entire words will be have no meaning and we'll all speak in pure acronym-ese. SYCTTN-GFTDOTEL. (So you can thank the N-Gage for the downfall of the English language). LOL (laugh out loud).
Spatz asks... What If "Brain Age" and "The Guy Game" made a game together?
Sean Garmer: Whoever thought of this question should give himself a pat on the back. Could you imagine Nintendo releasing this on the DS? They would either become the smartest people on the planet, or lose their core fanbase and be attacked by every single politician. Let's say this came out on the Wii, just to give the ability of video. If Nintendo ever wanted a way to remove it's kiddie nature, go ahead and make this game. A game that rewards intelligence with porn, how can you beat that? Throw in some other various trivia questions along with the Brain age type stuff, and you have the ultimate guy party game. As much as this would change Nintendo's rep, it would kill their image. They go from being the "Family Friendly" company to the ire of every parent's eye. The company that has Mario, Link, Donkey Kong, and Pikachu all the sudden makes a game with nudity, wow that'd be crazy. Not to mention, Jack Thompson would be chomping at the bit to go to congress with this one, which could cause this game to get an adult rating because it's "using" education in a vile form. If this game were to be released it could really hurt the game industry because all that legislation being debated that pushes the ESRB to play every game in its entirety before it can be rated, could come to fruition. Honestly, you don't want that because it could cause games to be delayed just for a rating. Then again, because this would surely be a hit with tons of college kids, they could have the next GTA on their hands. A game that becomes widely popular amongst wide public scrutiny. Finally, it could lead to a boycott of Nintendo by all of it's loyal fans and parents that don't want their children getting a hold of the game, or don't support the change. Again, if it works, it can lead to new things for Nintendo and the industry, but it can also have tons of backlash.
Cory: Wow, ahem, where to begin? It would certainly be interesting. I guess you could have a round of seeing how many girl's butts you can squeeze in a minute. How about a mini-game measuring a woman's proportions? Of course, there's a world of possibilities, but I'm trying to make this PG-rated here. It wouldn't be Sudoku, though. After all, guys who play "The Guy Game" can't understand numbers, can they?
Greg Bruno:My two favorite things, boobs and boobs. Such a terrific idea! Spatz for President! Wait...huh? Brain Age? Oh, well in that case I suppose smart boobs would be pretty cool. Better than a smart ass! AM I RIGHT?! Eh! Eh! But seriously Spatz, why would you want to ruin lovely lady lumps with boring brain....uhh...bumps? Intelligence and girls flashing have no business being together. If you need further evidence, go to Panama City on spring break. You'll either find intelligence or chesticles, but not intelligence.
The most amazing game combination of all time.
Pierre asks (again)... What if Final Fantasy VII was remade for the Nintendo Wii only?
Sean Garmer: FFVII on the Wii? Probably won't really happen, but if FF XIII winds up on the XBOX 360 too, who's to say FF XIV couldn't go super multi-platform and be on the Nintendo Wii. Well anyone that is a fan of old school turn based combat best forget it, because navigating menus with a Wii remote would make the whole point of the Wii controls meaningless. So I have a feeling we would see FFXII or Kingdom Hearts like gameplay because then Square could take advantage of the Wii remote. Getting to swing the remote around and getting to use it to aim other weapons would help get people into RPG's that would normally never play them. What would this do for Nintendo? If this were to happen, this would certainly be another huge system seller for Nintendo and maybe cause Square to make more FF games for the Wii. I'm not saying they would go exclusively to the Wii, but I think Square would go multi-platform from then on. The only thing is, that one of the main reasons people want this remade is because they want to see what it would look like on a PS3/XBOX 360 type machine with high powered graphics, and voice overs. The Nintendo Wii would not be able to provide that, because everyone has seen the PS2 and XBOX graphics pushed to their limits, and Square couldn't make the game look that much better on the Nintendo Wii. Therefore, though it would sell a ton on the system, I don't think it would sell as much as it would if it were on XBOX 360 or PS3. That being said, it would be a big blow to Sony, if Nintendo got the rights for it, basically, sticking it back in their face. A game that originally appeared on their first system now goes to a rival.
Cory:FF VII for the Wii would be awesome. Simply awesome. It'd probably just be a Wii-make like everything else, but let's face it, the game will never be outdated. A single-disc version of the game would be nice, too. If it made the jump to the Wii, it'd push the system over the hill in terms of credibility...and shortages would last until 2012. No one can resist Tifa Lockheart. Oh, Tifa...
Greg Bruno:I can hear the cries of vanquished PS3 fanboys now. "Oh Sony! Why hath thou forsaken us!" and "Argh! Giant historical crabs!" Even though giant crabs have nothing to do with this question (much like their importance in, allegedly, real Japanese battles) Nintendo would score HUGE on this. Not only would Wii fans have the ultimate bragging rights, but they'd also have one hell of a game to play. Just imagine the Wii Remote attatchments Nintendo could make. Gun Blade Wii-Mote Clip On? Yes please. I'll take two, actually.
Kev asks... What if Nintendo made a GTA style game with the Mario world and all of its characters? (Could you imagine Mario the drug baron and mafia godfather?)
Sean Garmer: Yes, Nintendo are you listening? You should make this happen. I don't like GTA but making games of it's type with an actual point and setting, I totally jump on board. I love what they did with the Simpsons and Godfather using the GTA type game. Don Mario commanding you play as Luigi and your lackey Bowser do what he wants, instead of cars they have an abundance of Yoshi's everywhere. All the enemies are the same ones in the Mario world. Imagine the Gumba's with guns? That would be some hilarity. The Koopa Brothers run the body shop and the Shy Guys, well, they deal with drugs. Knowing Nintendo there would be no blood, and certainly nothing that even resembles "hot coffee" but who says you still can't have fun eating up enemies, making Bowser look like a bitch, and just being able to play in the Mario world would sell in bunches.
Cory:Ya know what, I always knew Mario was hiding something from us. There's no way he's the lovable, Italian plumber that everyone loves. You know how the mafia loves family? Well, he's been sending Luigi out to do his dirty work. That's why you haven't seen the green plumber since he disappeared in Super Mario 64. Mario's been covering it all up. As for the game, well, "It's a-me, Mario! I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse!" I'd buy it.
Greg Bruno:
"Hey Luigi, I need-ah favor"
"Ah, yes Don Mario, anything for-ah you!"
"Yoshi needs to sleep-ah with da fishes."
"You got it-ah boss. But on the way there-ah, can I beat-ah down some bitches and-ah slap-ah some hoes?"
"Well, yeah. How else would you walk-ah down da streets?"
There's your opening scene. I bet you didn't know I was fluent in typing Game-Italian-American either. Anyway, after that, the Mushroom Kingdom would be a little more gritty and dirty. Just how I like my coffee. That didn't make much sense. I'm trying to say it'd be an awesome game.
Don't cross the boss! He'll butt-stomp your ass!
Greg Bruno Asks... (Yea, it's my birthday, I do what I want around here) What If the Xbox 360 Elite was actually a Transformer, and a Decepticon at that?
Sean Garmer: Happy Birthday Greg, and thanks for letting me a part of this, it's been fun answering these silly questions. I was never that big into Transformers back in the day, so I don't really know what happens with all of that. I can't even imagine what this thing would turn into, but because it's evil it wouldn't be too farfetched. I'm guessing something would be inside the XBOX 360 Elite that would fill out the body and the controller arms. I could see it shoot a laser out of the ring, and then when it turns into the red ring of death, means it's pissed. That means it's time for the special attack that involves some bomb. Sorry that I can't really get too far into this, hopefully Cory can cover for me on this one.
Cory:The Decepticon moniker would reveal exactly what we've known all along: Microsoft is EVIL and Bill Gates is the devil. Then Nintendo could re-release the "wholesome" Wii with the ability to transform as an Autobot and wage war. You could have a whole series on G4! Sadly, it'd probably get higher ratings than anything else on there now...
Greg Bruno:Wow, awesome question Greg. You must be one really awesome dude to have come up with something so deep and incredibly cool. Well, if it were a Decepticon, it could only be here for one reason; to steal our Microsoft Points. Yes, I know something this awful could only be pure evil. Depriving us from gamer pics and themes would be a terrible experience for anyone. Luckily, as few people know, the Wii actually transforms into a spatula, and then into an ass kicking robot. I'm not sure why there's that transition form, but sleep peacefully citizens, for having the Wii will keep your 360 in line.
I certainly feel like we've accompished alot here today. I'm sure Pierre, Gun Artist, Spatz, Kev, and the delightfully handsom Greg Bruno will sleep much better tonight knowing that their questions have been completely answered to the most scientific extent. Remember, we want your questions to be featured in What If just as much as you want them answered. Send any/all questions to gregorycbruno@gmail.com with the subject heading of WHAT IF to have your questions answered by the 411 Games staff! I enourage absurdity! Get those thinking caps on and those thinking fingers typing!
