Hardcore Gaming 05.01.07: What is a Hardcore Gamer?

Posted by Mark Cwalinski on 05.01.2007

Wondering what exactly is a hardcore gamer? Hardcore Gaming sets the record straight.

Being a hardcore gamer is not always an easy task. A hardcore gamer has to constantly be on the lookout for new ways to waste his life, and he also has to try his best to NOT get laid. This is a challenge that I face every day, and is just part of the life I live as a hardcore gamer. However, for some reason many believe that being a hardcore gamer is all fun and games. How they came to this conclusion is still something I ponder to this day. Nevertheless, countless men have tried and failed to become hardcore gamers. Mainly because of the simple fact that they don't know what a "hardcore" gamer is. Luckily for them, Hardcore Gaming is here once again to set the record straight.

I've got mad skillz yo

The essence of hardcore gaming lies within the gamer. He's got to have acute senses, lightning-fast reflexes, and a hell of a lot of luck. In short, he's got to have "mad skillz yo". Now, "mad skillz yo" is not something that appears magically overnight. In fact, achieving this great feat takes years and years of practice. A hardcore gamer also needs to be able to withstand the harshest conditions. This includes holding off bowel movements for a few hours, and it also means that World of Warcraft is way more important than sleep. In fact, going without sleep for days is perfectly acceptable and common.

Speaking of World of Warcraft, if one wants to be a hardcore gamer at WoW, he may as well turn to becoming a prostitute. This is what one woman allegedly did to get the epic flying mount, one of the most precious item in WoW. For the record, I do not believe in World of Warcraft becoming World of Prostitution, but if that's what it takes then a hardcore gamer better be up for the task.

There are a few ways to test whether or not someone obtains these mad skillz. The easiest way is find out is if you can completely destroy all of your friends. If the neighborhood drug addicts constantly win, then good luck beating a hardcore pro. Once the neighborhood gang has successfully been owned, try entering a local tournament. You should feel right at home with all of the other nerds there.


A common gaming tournament

Finally, joining or starting at least one clan for an online game is a great way to practice. A clan war can enhance skills and can also be a good way to get noticed. Not only that, but they're a great way to show off some skills to the wanna-be-hardcore gamers out there.

j00 R LiEk Teh n00b

A hardcore gamer has to be able to communicate with his fellow gamers. If you feel lost in the lingo, the best way to learn is to experience it. However, familiarizing with 1337 speak is the best and easiest way to get caught up. And even with this, getting lost in the acronyms that HG's constantly use is a common outcome. You can ask what these acronyms mean, but be prepared for tons of sarcasm and plenty of embarrassment.

Speaking of sarcasm, this is one of the many ways gamers like to communicate. Instead of outright saying that someone sucks, they'll usually find a creative way to insult them using sarcasm. All of the hardcore gamers eventually learn to master it. Try practicing it with the few friends you have left. This way, by the time you become the ultimate hardcore gamer, there won't be any friends left to be bothered by.

Knowledge is power

Gaming is as much about using the fingers as it is about using the mind. Knowing the opponent is the best way to beat him. This is why every gamer must rigorously study each and every game they play. In a sense, they should be able to play the game completely blind-folded. They should know the game so well, that they can determine their opponent's moves before they happen. Some even resort to stalking their opponents to get a better sense of what they're about.

Another important aspect of hardcore gaming is learning about the industry. This requires hours of reading gaming sites (like 411mania) to acquire the most up to date news and headlines. If blood starts to pour from your eyes, remember that this is normal and soon it will be impossible to notice.

Finally, no gamer is considered hardcore unless he constantly reads message boards and posts on them. The optimum user name would be one that is humorous and memorable. If the forum allows it, create an obnoxious animated signature that lets everyone know when you post. The only rule for posting is that a hardcore gamer is only biased when he needs to be. Because a hardcore gamer plays and respects all types of games. That is, all types of games that don't suck.

I could get any girl I want… I just don't want to

Every hardcore gamer is up to date on all of his vaccines. This includes the cootie shot. That's right, hardcore gamers do not have time for a girlfriend/boyfriend. In a sense, becoming a hardcore gamer is like becoming a priest. They marry their jobs, and in this case, their job is playing games.


Pimp vs. Hardcore Gamer

Chances are that most gamers don't have to worry about this problem. This is why many people skip the aforementioned step, and go straight to the next level. Reaching the next level means totally abandoning the outside world. If a friend asks to go out, the proper reply is "I just spent 3 hours downloading porn; I'm going to be busy for a while." Whether or not this is true, the friend probably won't argue, and definitely won't show up at your door. Unless of course you invite him over for a porn-fest… ew.

Who needs food when you have video games?

Depending on income, a hardcore gamer usually spends 80% of their monthly earnings on video games; whether that means a new TV, a new controller, or even that poster of Lara Croft for those oh-so-lonely nights. However, for those working for minimum wage this may mean passing up a few meals. Lunch is overrated anyways, so it's shouldn't be too much to ask. One good side to this approach is that you'll constantly be fighting fat. Fat comes from food, so if there's no food then there's no fat. This is also fighting the stereotype that all gamers are fat. Isn't being a hardcore gamer great?

If gamers do find themselves low on cash, there are a few methods they can choose. The most popular choice is selling online material for real money. Selling a level 70 character can break their heart, but they can usually create another one in under three days. If it's too painstakingly hard to sell online property or characters, they could take the option of walking up the stairs of doom. This entails walking upstairs where the light shines, and asking their mother for some cash. Finally, some gamers simply resort to stealing from the local 7/11. This is unfortunate, because most don't realize that stealing from a store doesn't work like it does in Link's Awakening.

Don't forget your pocket protector

There's a reason that there aren't any hardcore gamers in American Eagle magazines (not that I would know if there were…), and the reason is that they are just plain ugly. Most hardcore gamers had the nickname "pizza face" while growing up, and they're still waiting on their first kiss. They like to wear their Nintendo, Blue Army, and Homestar runner hoodies in three day cycles. Luckily they live with their mom; otherwise their hoodies might never get washed.

If you do spot a hardcore gamer, be sure to take a picture. As mentioned above, they rarely come out of hiding. Recent studies show that 70% of hardcore gamers have evolved into vampires due to the little daylight they see. Most of these gamers know the risk, yet still choose to play for days without stopping. That's hardcore.

Sorry ladies

Unfortunately for women, they cannot become hardcore gamers. They can obtain the level of "geek" or "nerd", but they just can't reach "hardcore" status. Although many women have tried, they usually suffer a severe tragedy right before they make it. Many have wondered why this is the case, but the only agreeable conclusion was that it's a matter of fate.

Pikachu, I choose you!

Although hardcore gamers enjoy a variety of games, there are a few that are very common. The most common game is World of Warcraft. This is essentially a hardcore gamer's paradise. WoW offers hundreds of hours of gameplay, and a chance to interact with other hardcore gamers across the land. On top of this, WoW has been proven to develop strength, courage, and determination. Just look at Leroy Jenkins; he's the epitome of courage.

Hardcore gamers also seem to flock to Microsoft's Halo series. Here they can battle each other on a variety of maps with a variety of weapons. The online gameplay is superb, and is one of the biggest reasons the game has such a huge following. Fans also like to orgasm at all of the new trailers released for Halo 3. This is one way they help combat the urge for sex.

Finally, the other holy grail of hardcore gaming is the Pokemon series. Although some may view the series as "kiddy", many older gamers still play the series and enjoy it. And with the release of Diamond and Pearl, as well as the upcoming US release of Pokemon Battle Revolution, pokemania is as rabid as ever.

The Wrap-up

If you're still confused over what makes a hardcore gamer, check out this quick and easy list based on the above information:

- Skilled at video games
- Dedicated
- Understands the video game language
- Understands the video game culture
- Active member of an online community
- No significant other
- Rarely washes clothes
- Is a man
- Plays at least one of the main hardcore games

If you've got all of these traits, then congratulations, you're hardcore. If you don't, then just keep trying; you'll get it eventually… unless you don't.

Other Stuff

I just got back from Florida, hence the miss last week. I tried to send it in early, but I just couldn't get it in. I doubt anyone noticed though, so it's not a big deal. Sometime in the near future I'd like to run a contest or something about who's the biggest hardcore gamer. If I get enough people interested, then it could definitely happen; if not then maybe I can save it for another time. If you are interested though, send me an email and I'll give you some questions, post the replies here, and then people can vote on who they think is the most hardcore. I think it would turn out good if enough people are interested. Also, if you have any feedback or ideas then definitely send me those too, you can click on the "Send Feedback to Mark Cwalinski" link. Until next time; I'm Mark Cwalinski and I'm hardcore.