Angry Gaming 50th Anniversary 06.25.07: Surviving The Evil (Remix)
Posted by Damian Sarcuni on 06.25.2007
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIXX…
Welcome to Angry Gaming's 50th article. I am your hate master, Damian Sarcuni, and in the name of nostalgia (as well as giving me a much needed break) I've decided to post the original article I submitted when I first applied to write for the 411mania games section almost one year ago. Since then I have been working on Angry Gaming each weekend, for better or for worse, and I've had some great fun doing it. I hope you guys will like this somewhat edited/updated piece, and I hope it gives you a good amount of insight as to what it takes to become a 411 writer. Please also note there will be no Angry Gaming article next week, but we'll be back the week after to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of the 411mania game section. For now, enjoy.
Surviving the Evil (50th Anniversary Remix)
Growing up in Brooklyn, New York through the 90's and 00's (?) was a real treat for me. As games like Resident Evil 2 and Parasite Eve dominated the survival horror genre in those days, my friends and I were given the luxury of spending an entire day running around cityscapes on our TV screens blowing up everything in our path, then going outside at night and imagining those same backdrops in reality. One thing I can always remember my friends asking each other all the damn time was something like: "Dude, wouldn't it be great if zombies really attacked new York?!"
No, dumbass. No it wouldn't.
Survival horror developers like Capcom and Tecmo go through great lengths to make their games SEEM realistic, but as actual survival horror simulators, they are horribly misused. Gamers take for granted the valuable information made readily available from survival horror games and chalk most of it up to senseless pursuits like "furthering the storyline". Personally, I'm scared for the day the T-Virus actually does get spread over the nearest city because when it does, the gaming youth of America is going to be painfully untrained and unprepared.
I can see it now…hundreds upon hundreds of stainless steel sword wielding scrawny dudes in Konoha village bandannas getting devoured by the dead who walk and screaming "Why didn't they put a warning when this happened in the game?!" Ooh, it still makes me shiver. The same moron fan boys who are just dying to have their precious survival horror fantasies come to life (which will most likely result in the death of loved ones they hadn't foreseen) are the same ones who would have all the wrong reactions and make all the wrong decisions should the zombie wave ever come. No self respecting New Yorker seeks shelter during a monster infestation…we use the opportunity to finally get our turn at rioting and looting post-Rodney King style.
Therefore, submitted for your education, the following is a guide to what lessons you missed while playing all those fun and seemingly innocent survival horror games.
LESSON 1: DON'T GO INTO THE HOUSE!!!
It says it right on the House of the Dead arcade machine for god's sake! If 80's horror films didn't teach you this lesson, take it from games like Resident Evil: All of Them and Alone in the Dark. Big scary house = bad. Yes I know that staying outside isn't a much better option, and those nice empty non-chaotic structures seem like great places for shelter, but they aren't. The whole reason why you see a character duck into a house in the beginning of a survival horror game is because the developers want you to see an example of what NOT to do.
Even worse is when a ghostly voice beckons you into the house ala Fatal Frame. Next time you dream of this, remember that the evil spooky crying is not an invitation to a hot singles party. In fact, any contact made with said spooky voice should go more like a conversation between a mother and child's argument over household chores.
Voice: DaAaAaMiAaNNN!!!
Me: WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!
Voice: WE NeEeEeED YoOoOoOU!!!
Me: I'M BUSY!!
Voice: HeEeElLlLp UuUuSSS!!!
Me: I'LL DO IT LATER!!
Obviously that example came from personal experience, but just replace my name with yours and you'll be fine.
Think about the layout in the outdoors of most survival horror games. For all his pinpoint accuracy, your average gamer has a distinct advantage over Leon S. Kennedy in RE4: the ability to go off road. Even when Leon does enter into an outdoorsy, wooded area, he does so by tracking a set path. Of course zombies and zombie dogs will be able to block that narrow path since Leon refuses to run off of it. Normal people don't have this problem! Instead of hugging walls and running for your life, aren't your chances of survival better at dodging a single zombie in an area that goes well beyond the size of a football field? The choice is yours, but I'm staying outside.
LESSON 2: If it has its back to you, shoot it.
We learned this in Resident Evil right off the bat. A figure that has its back turned to you and doesn't answer to the King's English isn't going to get friendlier as you get closer to it! When you see something's back, call out to it in a nice human-like tone. If you don't get a response, don't worry, that's just the universal language for "Take a free shot on my back!" Don't worry about giving up your position either, as most survival horror monsters are either slow as molasses or go through some 9 minute transformation before actually attacking.
As a sub-note, 9 minute transformations are not for your viewing pleasure! They are the universal language for "You should run now, because I'm about to get medieval on that ass." It's a lost in translation thing. There's no reason to stare at the horrific mutant monster zombie slowly turning into a giant mutant plant beast with a super claw and wings just because you've never seen it before. Life is full of missed opportunities and if you want yours to continue you'll just have to live with the lost chance of watching an innocent victim of a scientific experiment gone horribly wrong transforming into a cross breed of He-Man and Godzilla. It's a tough choice I know, and much like car wrecks on the side of the road, it's hard to look away. Find the strength within and do it. You'll thank your living self later.
LESSON 3: Conserve Your Ammo/Monsters Evolve
This one should be the most obvious. Survival horror games have shown us that things always go from bad to worse. From slow moving little children ghosts all the way to giant virus angel-creatures, the newly moved in denizens of your neighborhood looking to feast upon your flesh happen to go through the evolution process MIGHTY fast. As such, when you get your hands on a weapon, you might want to save it. Now, I know what you're thinking. "Where do I keep all that ammo?" Well fortunately, that leads to our next lesson…
Lesson 4: The Bathroom is the Only Safe Place
Thank Konami's Silent Hill series for this one. If you didn't leave town already and you are stuck (which you wouldn't be if you listened to lesson 1), head for the lavatory. Whether you are just hanging around the outskirts of town or plunged into the middle of some nightmarish dream world, nothing bad ever happens when you are in the bathroom. Whether this is because fresh tiling masks the scent of human flesh or that Zombies dislike the taste of human waste products isn't known but it doesn't really matter. Sure, Resident Evil had the occasional zombie in the bathtub shtick, but how hard is it to send a few rounds through the shower curtain when you walk in the door? Bathrooms are the perfect spot to camp out. Enclosed, convenient place to sleep, usually only one narrow exit, great acoustics to hear approaching enemies and best of all, access to running water and a toilet! I can't think of any place I would rather spend the night while waiting for this whole "zombie infestation" fad to blow over. Stock pile those weapons under the toilet pump lid, you can always use that as a weapon too.
LESSON 5: Help Isn't Coming
Our last lesson is something you'll want to keep in your head through the entire ordeal. Ever notice the logo Citigroup uses these days? That's right, it's umbrella. The corporate fat cats who are responsible for your imminent demise haven't sent that gas masked clean up crew to pull you out of that tight spot you found yourself in, they are there to shut you up. Look at the ending to any Resident Evil. Do you really believe any world government has enough money to spare a few rocket launchers; much less ones that can be dropped from the sky at convenient moments? We can't even keep gas prices under $3 a gallon! Avoid government and military agents at all costs! Wait until they are preoccupied by a swarm of evil and slip out unnoticed.
The Anger
In conclusion, remember you are on your own out there in the cold, cold world, not just in survival horror but in life overall. Children are useless because they can't shoot guns and the depressing sight of a fellow human being devoured can have a happy spin if you just remember a simple phrase like "zombie bait". Be safe, be alert, and get the hell out of there. I'm about to do the same and indulge in some medicated powder and chicken dumplings. Mmmm. Itchy. Tasty.
