The Retrospective 06.27.07: A Personal Tribute to Chris Benoit, His Family, and Friends

Posted by Sean McCabe on 06.27.2007

06.25.07. A day that I will never forget.

Sometimes, an event occurs that hurts you so much, that causes so much personal pain, that you feel numb. That you cannot do anything. It's a moment when something important to you has been lost or destroyed. To come to terms with something like that, is harsh. And takes time. I cannot continue writing about games until I've had the chance to say all that I'm about to say. It may seem out of place in the games section, but I have my reasons. This is my space, my tiny segment of this site on a weekly basis, and this week, I give it up to my respect and my feelings for a man who meant, probably more to me than I realised when he was still alive. And also I need to reflect on the most tragic thing in this whole case, the circumstances with which he, his son, and wife left this life.

Larry Csonka wrote a Retrospective of Chris Benoit's career, and so, if that is what you wish to read, you can find it here. Ordinarily this column is about revisiting the past, but I think it would be a waste of my energies to write it when Larry has done such a fine job already.

I became a wrestling fan in 1998, quite recently really. The first match I actually saw was Rey Mysterio Jr. vs Eddie Guerrero in WCW. However, the first wrestler who I felt I had a real liking for was The" Canadian Crippler" Chris Benoit. A lot of people gravitate towards people like The Rock or Hulk Hogan because of their flamboyant charisma and speaking ability. However, I'm very different. More than anything I admire true devotion, and hard work. And it was in Chris Benoit that I saw this in more than anybody. Over time, I watched him win and lose many matches and titles. The consistent thing about all his matches, win or lose, is how hard he worked. He made himself and anybody he worked in the ring with look great. As well as that, he was a humble, modest man who wished to use his skills to pass on to younger wrestlers, unselfishly. There are quite a number of wrestlers idolised by people on this site, whom I do not share that idolisation because they do not have these unselfish qualities that Benoit had. This kind of work ethic and attitude is rare, so rare. And so, I idolised Benoit. Not because I myself wish to be a Wrestler. What he symbolised for me was far more universal than that. He exemplified how hard work and determination can lead to success. What I want to be is a writer, and I strive to work as hard at that as Chris Benoit did as a wrestler. I have a few idols. The people I view as true role models to me I do for various reasons, and whenever I think of work, of striving regardless of the odds to work my way to success of any kind, my memories of the Rabid, Tenacious Wolverine I will carry in my heart for the rest of my days.

But what of the two other people who lost their lives because of this? I do not have words that even begin to respect the true gravitas of this situation. Nor can I ever truly understand why a beloved family man would suddenly take the lives of his closest family and his own. What I can say is my belief that death is not a simple concept. A lot of people will call Benoit a monster for what he did. I would rather say, what he did was monstrous. But can we truly call him a monster when we do not understand why he did this? I feel that to not separate a man's actions from the man himself is a very unfair, not to mention, dangerous thing to do. And to all who call the man a coward… why did he strive in the same career for 22 years? Why did he raise two children and was in the middle of raising a third? No, he was no coward. Not in the simplistic, naïve definition that people are going to use about this in any case.

I refuse to judge a man with not understanding his reasons. Light may eventually be thrown onto this case, but I don't think I could ever throw away what I believe I learned from Chris Benoit. His legacy is tarnished, but it's meaning to me is still clean and pure. And I may have to keep it that way no matter how things turn out. Because to admit to myself the man I idolised because of what he taught me about the merit of working hard and striving was the individual that some may try to portray him as, it would crush me. It would crush my dreams and hopes that I could make something of myself as Chris Benoit did. I cannot bring myself to do that.

My deepest sympathies go out to those that were even far more personally affected this than me; Chris Benoit's direct friends and relations. I cannot even fathom what you are going through right now. There has been suicide in my family… but not of this nature. Not as horrible as this. I hope you make it through this. My thoughts are with you all, for as little as they are worth.

To Chris Benoit, even though you will never read this. You were the absolute best at what you did, but you were also the absolute best at something even more important, and through that, you gave me, and I hope many people, the belief that you can do anything no matter the odds. It is quite clear, at the end of the day that we knew little about the real you. I can accept that, because isn't that true for all celebrities? And as a person, you clearly had issues and flaws, like we all do. What you did was wrong, and it was horrible. However, I can separate that from what you accomplished in the ring. What I see it as now, is a lesson. When you strive to be the best, you put incredible pressure on your physical and mental health. Perhaps this was a case of too much for too long. Whatever the case may be, I don't expect your legacy to be celebrated any longer, or for you to be put in the hall of fame or anything like that. I can understand the reasons why not. All I can do is simply remember the good times. They're all that is left now. I believe that the sorrow of the present is incapable of destroying the happiness of the past, that there is no shame in still enjoying your career as a wrestler. You were not the same man 20 years ago as you are now. People will talk as if you were a monster even then, and simply forget that things do not work like that. It is impossible to say when you snapped, it may have simply been there and then, it may have been within the last year or so. But because I recognise that you had no such intentions of committing this horrible act when you won the world heavyweight championship, that is the reason I can still watch it and enjoy it for what it was. A single moment in time that still means to me now what it did then.

I believe this will take a while for me to get over, but I hope to resume my standard column from next week. As far as feedback goes, there's not a lot of point in sending me hate-mail of any kind because I don't intend to directly argue with anybody over this. I gave my take, and that is pretty much it. Now I think I will simply go on with my life, remembering the good times. I will not forget the horrible thing that Benoit did, but the simple fact is this. He made mistakes, mistakes that we all must do our best to avoid.