Angry Gaming 07.30.07: Let Me Show You My Pokemans
Posted by Damian Sarcuni on 07.30.2007
This is not the kind of stuff Wikipedia should have in depth articles on.
Welcome to Angry Gaming, the bastard kid that ruins the game industry's first print charizard card. I am your hate master, Damian Sarcuni, happy birthday to me. I choose you!
Let Me Show You My Pokemans
This article was inspired by the above picture, as well as a few too many sleepless mornings where I couldn't find anything to watch except the new Pokemon: Diamond and Pearl TV series. Pokemon is one of the most popular and long standing video game series ever, and has made Nintendo some ridiculous amounts of cash over a number of years. These balled up little buggers are a completely original property over which Nintendo has had exclusive control in every aspect. The video games were owned by Nintendo, the show was owned by Nintendo, the cards, plush toys, figurines, all money in Nintendo's pocket. Multiply that by the number of years the series has held some popularity and you've got enough cash to genetically engineer these damn things in real life if you wanted with enough spare change left over to turn a palm pilot into a pokedex.
As is the case with many of Nintendo's creations, Pokemon are (for lack of a better term) FUCKED up. Here's the premise: in some bizarre world, Pokemon or pocket monsters take the place of real animals. At some point, human beings realize they can capture said animals in little balls which can then be compressed for easy storage. In addition, said storage also allows the humans to exhibit mind control over these things, making the little monsters serve and obey at will. In addition to serving all kinds of uses, the humans also engage in a form of cockfighting called a Pokemon battle where; you guessed it; trainers issue battle commands and make the animals battle in a last-man-standing brawl for their own amusement. And did I mention most of the people who do this are little kids?
If that's not enough to make you get a V-chip installed, take a look at some of the creatures themselves. Mushroom eating midget plumbers and barrel throwing bestiality apes have nothing on some of these cartoon monstrosities. I wish I could say I've come to expect this sort of thing from the same country that brought us Ichi the Killer and tentacle rape, but this is supposed to be a kid's game!
The beauty behind the Pokemon games was that they combined RPG elements with the joy of hunting and collecting small innocent animals. Somehow this resulted in a worldwide phenomenon that not only gave Pokemon an incredible following, but also allowed countless human minds to outright ignore the fact that these cute and cuddly living instruments of death also happened to be outright perversions of nature. We seem to have no problem with a mouse that defecates electricity or a turtle that vomits water at its enemies. Given the long run Pokemon has had, it seems like it doesn't matter what freaks get thrown at the public. Here are some of my favorite Pokemon across the board along with descriptions and fun facts pulled straight from Wikipedia (which strangely is like an online in-depth Pokemon encyclopedia). These are the creepiest, freakiest abominations ever to find a home on our Nintendo portable systems. Let me show you my Pokemans!
#108: Lickitung
We'll start off with the cunnilingus assistant for desperate housewives in Japan, Lickitung. Resembling a chameleon lizard, at least in someone's eyes, Lickitung has a host of unique physical attributes. For starters, it has a puffy tail and one toe on each foot as well as three claws on each arm. Oh yeah, it also has a tongue the size of a WWE wrestler. Literally! Lickitung's tongue extends up to 6.5 feet (2 meters). The tongue is the most sensitive part of its body and it can manipulate said tongue even better than its own legs.
Lickitung's tongue is covered in saliva which also conveniently causes paralysis. So for all you girls fantasizing over keeping this cute little pet in your room for those nights when hubby is out at the strip clubs, you might want to experiment with a little benzacane to simulate the sensation before running out to catch one. It's immune to its own saliva and uses said slime to clean itself as a real life cat would.
When Lickitung first encounters anything new, its instinct is to lick it. It then forms mental images and memories of said object through the sensations in its tongue. This is not unlike most men in the bar fly scene. Also similar is the fact that Lickitung dislikes sour tastes and has an affinity for…sushi...
…holy crap this article is practically writing itself.
#200: Misdreavus
The following is a quote from Wikipedia.
"Misdreavus is a moderately-sized, corporeal apparition that somewhat resembles the disembodied head of a human female."
Thank god I'm not alone.
Misdreavus has no nose, which for some reason only serves to make it all the more attractive. The back of its ghostly form seems to wave into the shape of hair. It also appears to be "wearing a pearl necklace". I seriously hope anyone reading this is as sexually deviant as I am so they can catch the perverted references in these descriptions. Maybe I should just put it all in quotes?
Misdreavus lives in dark caves and makes screeching and wailing sounds. It also makes sobbing cries when it encounters an enemy Pokemon so as to scare its opponent into running away. Misdreavus' necklace also serves as a feeding tool by absorbing the fear of its enemies. If a human enters the habitat of a Misdreavus, it tries to drive him/her out by biting and pulling at the intruder's hair. Strangely enough, this is the least sexual thing Misdreavus actually does. The thought of a Pokemon trainer consuming any alcoholic beverage inevitably leads me to impure thoughts that make me feel all the sorrier for poor, poor Misdreavus. It sounds a bit more messed up than it is. If you have a floating, living female head with you constantly, you'd probably start using it in odd ways eventually as well! Don't lie.
#298: Azuril
Every so often we come upon animals outside a bit too far outside of their natural habitats. They could be strays or zoo animals. Beached whales or caged pandas are a good example of this. Sometimes these animals seem to have a look on their face as if they are trying to communicate with their onlookers via telepathy. It's as if they are trying to send out the message "Please kill me by any means necessary". Azuril seems to have that look all the time, and with good reason.
Azuril is a water Pokemon with a rubbery tail about 1.3x the size of its own body. The tail hosts Azuril's main source of nutrition as it grows, and also serves as a flotation device in water. Azuril also (in an attempt I suspect, to kill itself) has a habit of twirling its own tail like a lasso and then hurling it out at full force. The momentum of this act sends Azuril's own body flying, preferably from a great height or into high speed automobile traffic. The furthest an Azuril has thrown itself is 33 feet.
No seriously, imagine living your life with a tail the size and weight of your own freaking' body attached to you. Imagine having to drag that thing around all day whether on land or in water. That's not a survival tool, that's a chain gang. Azuril will often move around by bouncing on its own tail, which I imagine provides neither stability nor comfort for Azuril's ass. This poor soul is quite literally trapped inside of its own body and should be liberated from such as soon as possible. Unfortunately, although it is well documented in the original Pokemon RPG's that these creatures do actually die; it is never really determined how to actually euthanize one. Looks like Azuril will have to endure its own living hell just a while longer.
#415: Combee
Double you tea ef is this thing supposed to be?! I've read through Wikipedia's Combee article at least three times now and my mind is still having trouble grasping the fact that this thing was actually drawn on paper. The article says that Combee are based on honey bee larvae which are still in their honeycombs. Apparently only female versions of the Combee can evolve into queens. These are the only Pokemon who have gender distinction that affects evolution.
Combee has three heads and for some reason no one has a problem with this. The article explains that this Pokemon is actually just three other Pokemon merged together, similar to a dugtrio or a magneton. I don't by that for second. If I buy three puppies and tie 'em together with a piece of string they don't turn into a damn Cerberus. Look at the damn picture; it's a three headed Pokemon for god's sake! How the hell does it know where to fly?
On top of its appearance, Combee will actually attack relentlessly if angered. If you can imagine it, all 6 of its eyes start to grow red and the next thing you know these cutesy little mutants will be all over you, quite literally, like bees on honey. Speaking of which, Combee are ALL about the honey. They work like mad to acquire honey and nectar, then carry this back to their home and give it to queens. At night, Combee stack up on each other to protect themselves from other Pokemon. These things are 87.5% male in population, so thankfully if you are some sick bastard who actually wants one you'll have a hell of a time breeding more.
The Anger
I've seen a lot of creepy stuff in my video games but it seems like the creative "geniuses" behind Pokemon have been running unchecked for just a little too long now. While the series has dropped some of its fanatic following in recent years, both the games and TV show are still going strong. I won't say the product is inherently evil (as some non-Pope following Christians feel) but it certainly isn't being treated with the level of caution it deserves. Some of the Pokemon look like they came out of H.R. Giger's ass during a bad acid trip. It's great if that's what you're into, but please remember the children. Until next time, embrace the hatred.
