Working Title 08.16.07: Working Rant - The Virtual Boy was Awesome

Posted by Jordan Williams on 08.16.2007

Despite being known as one of the biggest flops in gaming history, as well as Nintendo's only true failure to date, the Virtual Boy did have some redeeming qualities if you looked hard enough. Come on in and I'll show you five of them.

Welcome all to the #1 Column to now a complete sensitivity to the color red, WORKING TITLE. Last week I finished up one of the more entertaining series I have done with X. vs. Y, and seeing as how this week is an off week I think it's time for me to go ahead and pull one of those lovely short rant columns out. The fact that it's 2 in the afternoon and it looks like 9PM outside due the cloudiness and rain doesn't help matters much either.

I knew I hinted at myself doing some sort of one year anniversary column or something, but honestly I really don't feel the need to do one. When I hit 50 columns (which I thin I am actually really close to) or maybe even 100 columns, I might do one...but nah, we'll just let the year anniversary go unannounced.

Well, back to ranting. Seeing as today is simply one of those off days, I figured I'd rant about an off topic.

The Virtual Boy.


5 Reason Why the Virtual Boy Was Awesome


Man, that is a long title.

Does anyone here remember Nintendo's one and only TRUE failure? If you don't I am pretty sure that your poor sensitive eyes do. It was the Virtual Boy. This not so portable was release in the states in August of 1995 and was hailed as the logical successor to the insanely popular Gameboy. Why? Because this was 1995, 3D gaming was still a BIG gimmick and everyone and their mother wanted a slice of that pie, and seeing as how Nintendo at this point was still the King of the Mountain, there was a little bit of leeway they could play with.


The Virtual Boy promised two things right out of the suitcase. It promised a unique gameplay experience and visuals that were unparalleled to what you see now, and in a sense...they were right.

The Virtual Boy did use a unique way to present itself, being a completely self contained console which projected it's graphics on two different planes of vision. If you didn't notice that, you at least remember that fact that everything in the game was the brightest shade of red your eyes ever had the displeasure of seeing. But hey, this rant is about how AWESOME the VB was. So let's get down to the awesome...and don't think there isn't awesome to be found there...because there is.


#1 The Controller



Now, outside of a one choice console, I've never really had a problem with video game controllers. I tend to like them pretty much the same all across the board. So I can say this without the sarcasm...the Virtual Boy's controller was awesome. No, seriously...I really liked it. It maybe the fact that it due to the fact that the VB was self contained that the controller came off as being cordless or maybe that it was just really comfortable, but I really had an easy time laying games with this controller. The only gripe I had about it is that if you DARED to use batteries with it that it ate them like candy. Not even good candy like Godivia or something, it at them like cheap candy. Those of you that have never played the Virtual Boy are probably asking why is has two D-Pads. Don't worry. None of us know either. We know it just came in handy for Jack Bros. Speaking of which...

#2 Jack Bros.



I know this game might fly over a lot of people's heads. I don't blame you, getting ANY of the good virtual games was about as rare as finding cheap copy of Rez at Gamespot. Damn near impossible. But for those of you that HAVE played Jack Bros. you know what an awesome find this game was. It was pretty much a cutesy version of gauntlet that had you working to beat six levels in a timed format. The game was actually pretty challenging and the 3D elements were actually really good looking. You could 'see forever' because you could always see the platforms that were below you from the holes in the platform you were on. And even then everything ON the platform stood out a bit more thanks to the layering. It was like playing a top-down pop up book rather than a game. If you were lucky enough to find this game, it was a GREAT find.

#3 LEGS



One of the things you'll notice right away about the VB is that it had legs. Yes, because you technically had to sit up while playing this, it actually needed something to sit on. But here's the kicker. For a company that is famously known for making things that can survive H-Bombs. The legs on the VB were INCREDIBLY flimsy. You'd honestly break them from normal use after about a month. That's where the awesome come in.

Assuming you don't have any major back problems, laying on your back is probably one of the most comfortable things you can do to pass the time. Now that the legs on your VB broke, it's now the only way one can play it.



Now THAT ladies and gentlemen, is comfort.

#4 Quality of Games

Sure, the console was a HUGE flop. Nintendo's biggest (and even though people don't like to admit it) ONLY failure to date. But I think the blame for that lays square on the Virtual Boy as a console, not necessarily the games. Why do I say this? Because the games on the Virtual Boy were actually good...VERY good to be exact. Keeping in mind there were only 22 games, with only 14 making it stateside. You didn't exactly have a large margin between the good and the bad, thankfully...there wasn't' too much bad.

The developers for the VB tried really hard to make the next evolution in gaming. It's really apparent when you see games like Red Alarm which was the Virtual Boy's answer to Starfox...and a damned good answer at that. Red Alarm presented a full 3D world, albeit through wireframes. But you had complete control over your ship and how it handled. It really did play like a more souped up version of the original Starfox for the SNES, and it was just as challenging and fun. There were also games like Wario Land. VB never got a chance to get a traditional Mario game, so this was the closest thing and it was a DAMNED fun game. This isn't me just looking through rose tinted glasses (although playing the Virtual Boy sort of FORCED you to), these games and a majority of them were actually REALLY good. It's a shame they were tied down to a failing console. Which one of these games was ESPECIALLY good? So good that it stood out from the rest? Why it's...

#5 TeleroBoxer



This, in my eyes, was the Holy Grail of the Virtual Boy. I am NOT a big fan of boxing games, but this game was AWESOME. Remember when I mentioned the Virtual Boy's dual D-Pads? This was one of the games where it shined. You played as Harvey, a man piloting a giant robot to complete in a robotic boxing tournament. You threw your punches with the shoulder buttons but you controlled where the punched landed with the respective D-Pads. This gave you quite a bit of control when you were boxing, which made it feel even more intense than it already was. The game was played in a first person perspective the only thing you saw of yourself was your fists. So when you were fighting the robots when they threw a punch (through the layering of the VB) it actually flew right in your face and blocked off your version. Your 'screen' would crack and fissure. This all came together to make one of the best (yet admittedly frustrating) experiences on the Virtual Boy and to me, in gaming in general. There hasn't been a game in the generations that follow that got me to actually FEEL like I was boxing more than this game. Yes, that even includes Wii Boxing. It's a damn shame the VB sunk before more people could play this game. Because I have a feeling it was a start to a wonderful franchise.

We know you have the tools, Nintendo. We want TeleroBoxer on Virtual Console. Make it happen.


And that is it for my five reasons why the Virtual Boy was awesome. I'm sure no one can even FIND a relic such as the VB today without paying way too much for it, but for those of you lucky enough to have one, go ahead and find a quiet spot and give the poor little eye destroying bastard a quick go round. You might find out that despite its many shortcomings that it was actually a fun little machine.

Working Feedback

Last week was the final week of X vs. Y but I still got some feedback from it, first up is someone who pretty much deserves as much credit for X vs. Y as I do, fellow 411 Writer Phil Watts, Jr., he is showing this time bringing his picks for the DC Dream Team:


SUPERMAN: No way around it. He's one of DC's three staples. So much can be done with him, yet over the past 15 or so years, today's writers aren't even trying! Anyway, if I was developing it, I'd use SFIII's Dudley as the basis of his normal moves (with all the punch moves and using his arms to sweep), and then I'd throw in all his classic moves (flying, the eyebeams, the superbreath, the drill-spin, etc.) I'd make sure all the bases are covered!

BATMAN: Staple #2. COUNTER. COUNTER. COUNTER. Throughout Batman's history, that's what he's always been about...so why not bring that here? I'd make it so that he can pull off certain chain combos after a successful counter. Of course, he'll have the batarangs, too, which he could throw on the ground or in the air.

WONDER WOMAN: Staple #3. I can't think of a damn thing to do with the Magic Lasso (I'd incorporate it into a super or something) but plenty to do with the Magic Bracelets, which she can use to PARRY hits or repel fireballs. (Thing is, her parries only work like Ryo's in the KOF series, so if people think that they are going to plow through the game parrying EVERYTHING Daigo-style, they can forget it!) Of course, she'll be using her Amazonian fighting skills too.
FLASH (Wally West): Being another marque character, he has to be in here too. I was kinda at a loss for how I would use him. I'd probably use KOF's Chris and Vanessa's fast & dodgy moves as the basis of his moveset, and some tornado-based moves for good measure.
AQUAMAN (Peter David's version): When former Hulk writer Peter David took over the reigns of Aquaman, he accomplished the impossible: He took a character that has been looked at as a JOKE for decades, and actually made people take him SERIOUSLY! It sucks that everything he tried to do has now been basically erased. Well fuck that. This is the version of Aquaman I'm using. He'll be the resident grappler of the lineup, as I'd make him a mix between SFIII's Alex and KOF's Whip with the grappling hook.

GREEN LANTERN (Guy Gardner): I had to really rack my brain deciding on which Green Lantern to bring in here, whether it was the original GL Alan Scott, or the Silver Age Hal, or the 90's Kyle, or fan favorites like Kilowog or G'Nort. Or John Stewart, on the strength of all the things the cartoon did with him. I even wanted to bring in Katma Tui or Jade, who both got killed in the dumbest fucking death scenes ever! I finally decided on Guy Gardner. His rashness and his whole asshole attitude is a nice change of pace, especially with all the dead serious characters in the line-up.

NIGHTWING: I wanted to put Robin in here, but in Nightwing, I have both a Robin & a Titan. Plus, he's one of my favorites. Nightwing being an acrobat, a Batman protege, and an accomplished martial artist, thinking up moves for him would be no problem at all!

RAVEN: I want to bring at least one more Titan to the line-up, but it's hard to chose which. I came very close to choosing Starfire for some eye-candy value, but I went with Raven instead. Her magic is so open-ended that they could pretty much do what they want with her and create some cool visuals with it.

VIXEN: The great thing about the cartoon series is that they have been able to bring lots of life to characters that nobody gave a shit about before. Vixen was one of those characters. She could use attributes from different animals (Hawk=FLIGHT; Rhino=DEFENSE; Cheetah=SPEED; Elephant=STRENGTH; Monkey=AGILITY; Gorilla Grodd=TELEPATHY; etc.) and incorporate it into her fighting style. Plus, they don't have enough black chicks in these games (other than Storm and SF3's Elena), so I'd definitely throw her in here.

STARGIRL (JSA): Most fighting games always throw in teenage girls that look like they couldn't hurt a fly--and yet are given enough firepower to smite even the biggest foes. Stargirl falls into this category, especially with the Cosmic Converter Belt and Starman's Cosmic Rod at her disposal.

STATIC: Over 14 years ago, DC had introduced a line of minority-themed comics called MILESTONE. One of the characters introduced through that line was Static, some kid who had electricity powers who wound up getting his own cartoon show a just a few years ago (under the name STATIC SHOCK). A lot can be done with electricity powers in these games, plus I want some variety in here, so he definitely fits.

LOBO: Think SFA's Birdie...only bigger, stronger, and more OBNOXIOUS! And with BIGGER GUNS! He's the joke character of the bunch...albeit a POWERFUL joke character!
THE JOKER: There's this sub-villain character in Samurai Shodown 5 named Sankuro who is 100%pure cheapness. Basically, every time you try to approach him, he has different henchmen popping up out of nowhere to stop you, whether it's some thug falling out of the sky, some girl who runs along and trips you up, or some guy holding you by your ankles, which all sets you up for his supermove (he pulls out a gun and shoots you. That's it.) This is my basis for the Joker, who will have various members from Batman's rogues gallery popping up to help him, like Scarecrow, Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, and Bane. The Joker will have various attacks on his own, like exploding pies, acid-shooting corsages, cap guns, and other trick items. He'll have a super move called THE SNAPSHOT where he blinds you and leaves you open for a beatdown by the rogues (or if it's a killing blow, by you're character's arch foe!)

CIRCE (Wonder Woman villain): This villain will have more of a Darkstalkers feel, with many wildly animated magical attacks...and the power to turn all of her foes into ANIMALS!
THE BRAINIAC-LUTHOR TEAM: Thank the cartoon for this one, too (check the climax of season 1 of Justice League Unlimited). This will be a first in fighting games: A character whose attacks change with every foe they face! The Braniac/Luthor team will have specific attack patterns whenever they face certain characters. And since this is two Superman foes joined together, you just know that they have moves for him (like a Kryptonite ray for instance!)

DARKSEID (of Jack Kirby's NEW GODS): This is MY choice for DC's endboss. He has the strength and invulnerability level of GOD. He can shrug off your most powerful attacks without giving a shit. On top of that, he has the power to negate your specials and supers, leaving only regular attacks to use against him. Yet, that is not the worst of it. That category is owned by THE OMEGA EFFECT. This is the MOTHER of all super projectiles...the most powerful move of THIS, or any other fighting game EVER! It's cannot be blocked, parried, or repelled. It plows through any other projectile you try to throw at it. IF IT HITS YOU, YOU DIE. Period. It doesn't even matter it you have a full health meter (that is if you're lucky enough to still have a full health meter by the time he decides to fire it--like that'll happen!) The ONLY option is to DODGE IT! If you have a teleportation move (and you are 100% sure that you will end up behind him), you have a chance in stopping him. Otherwise, you have to SUPERJUMP and try to get behind him and hit him with your hardest attack. But you have to be careful--THE OMEGA EFFECT FOLLOWS YOU!! Needless to say, this move will separate the skillful players from the scrubs.

And there you have it. Now I can get some sleep!

As you can see there, Phil is WAY more versed in the ways of the DC universe than I am. I can't help it, I grew up on Marvel. Either way it's an awesome list, and a far more realistic one than mine. Speaking of which, our next feedback is from Adam Capwell who chimes in on the lack of two certain villains and the inclusion one:

Due to Yahoo being dumb and formatting this wrong, I'll reply to this one between the breaks

Hey man. Great column as always. I jus have a
question for ya. First off I love the number 10
choice being a joke, but I would have to make a major
change to your list regarding that spot in particular.
The first thing would be to get rid of Mr. Freeze and
keeping with the DC theme for that spot I would have
put Bizzaro there. Think about it, you get a
character with all the powers, skills, and tools of
superman so basically he would be indestructable like
Superman, and would free up the number 10 spot for a
very special person (I will get there in a minute.)


I already knew I was going to put Superman as the Joke Spot since the DC Dream Team, I felt that having both Superman and Bizzaro would be a bit of an overkill of sorts.

I have to know why you did not put Doomsday on the
list. I mean if you put Superman on your list
claiming that he is basically unbeatable, then
wouldn't the very being who not only beat, but
actually killed him be a sure thing? If Bane (becuase
I know ya like him) is on ther Venom drug, then
Doomsday is on the Venom drug turned up to 11. And
before you ask why I dont just make 10 louder, let me
just say "this one goes to 11".

You're right. I DO love Bane. And about why Doomsday wasn't in it? I honestly just forgot. Someone asked me the same question about a day later and I felt like an idiot. But what's done is done. If I had the chance I would've replaced Freeze with him.

Now like I said before, I would have taken Freeze out
and put bizzaro there so that I could have the number
10 spot free for someone special. In my mind there
could be no better main and final boss then Mr.
Mxyzptlk. Think about how utterly frustrating and
dimoralizing it would be to face an opponent whom you
can not even hit. Picture him basically using a
modification of Dhalsim's teleporting but adding a
punch or power move to it. You could also make him
have a block move where instead of just blocking
(which would be redundant since you would not be
hitting him much) your character actually losed power
when you hit him.

I'm not NEARLY as well versed in the realm of DC as most people are, so I didn't use Mxyzptlk because I didn't know HOW I'd use him. But yeah, looking back I would've definately gotten rid of Freeze in favor of Doomsday or Steel. Thanks for the feedback.

Next Week...

Seeing as right now a lot of things in the real word are going into limbo and I've hit that dry spell between series. Next week you might get another Working Rant, next week you might not. It all depends on how things are going. I just hope the weather gets better. I'm so tired of it being wet outside.


Until next time, I'm Jordan Williams...and I'm going to go play my Virtual Boy.