Angry Gaming 10.08.07: Okie Dokie!
Posted by Damian Sarcuni on 10.08.2007
A Columbus Day tribute to the only Italian-American making any worthwhile accomplishments outside of the crime film genre in the past century.
Welcome to Angry Gaming, the expensive restaurant that overcooks the duck and ruins the gaming industry's blind date. I am your hate master Damian Sarcuni, and as you read this I am preparing to spend an evening in one of the most disgustingly romantic locations in the entire world. This would be far more wussy IF said location wasn't also featured in Gran Turismo 4, however. Winky emoticon.
We got feedback folks!
Just read your column about the shooter wars (and the one about halo 3) and I'd like to say well done for pointing out how tedious these games are becoming. I refuse to buy an X-Box 360 for the simple fact that AT LEAST 60% of the games released on it are FPS's, and they're all pretty much the exact same game! lol
The first FPS I played and enjoyed was the original Quake, I loved it for a while but eventually got bored of the mindless running and shooting...all these years on the genre has turned into a disease for gaming, it's spreading everywhere and the only improvements shown are graphical ones...Seriously, they're all THE SAME GAME!!!
It pissed me off to hear so many people claiming the Halo series as one of the greatest things the video game industry has ever produced. I personally don't even rank it as the best first person shooter never mind the best game ever...Microsoft fan boys = scum of the gaming universe! lol - Kev
Sean McCabe and I were recently having this very same discussion and he definitely agrees with you. Personally I view Halo as a composite game. Halo is for Goldeneye what Quake was for Doom; these games just take the old formula and add new stuff to it. I'd be hard pressed to say all FPS' are the same, by that argument we could say that Heavenly Sword, Devil May Cry, and God of War are all exactly the same too.
Still, your point about Halo 3 is valid. The game does nothing original and the fan boys on Xbox Live who say otherwise are flat out wrong. It hasn't even changed its formula from Halo 2 all that much, nor was it intended to. (This comes to me directly from Bungie by the way, if you remember I interviewed studio lead Harold Ryan …and hit on his wife). Personally I think the fan following is justified in that what Halo does do, it does exceptionally well. It also gave us faceless, mysterious bad ass characters that were easy to relate to. But yes, Halo 3 does not break from the standard FPS formula at all, nor did Bioshock at its core, and there is a pretty strong outcry to see some change in the genre.
Hey Damian,
I own the Legendary Edition of Halo 3. I preordered the game on a whim because my girlfriend really likes Master Chief for some strange reason. I would have waited 'til next year to pick up the game. Oh well. The funny thing is that I haven't played it beyond completely the first chapter. I've been more enthralled by RE4 (Wii Edition), MP4: Corruption, and NBA 2K8. Oh well...watcha gonna do? In my opinion, I think Bioshock has a better single player experience. The thing that sets Halo 3 above this game is the multiplayer. Since I don't like Multiplayer, I won't think Halo 3 is the best thing next to slice bread. I just wanted to share my view on the whole Halo 3-mania... Goodbye, cruel world - David
Let me get this straight. Your girlfriend likes Master Chief, and you purchased a Master Chief helmet on whim, under the impression that you would be able to wear it?
That is a visual I did NOT particularly want.
I do agree that if you don't indulge in some Halo multiplayer, you aren't even getting half the experience. I played through the campaign in about 2 days with some friends via co-op, and afterward they all sort of went back to playing Guitar Hero while I started working on my dual wield spiker technique. I have been playing Resident Evil 4 on the Wii as well though, and while it has been a blast in its own right, there's something wonderful about finding a decent slayer team or winning a free-for-all ranked game in Halo as well. I think the real joy of Halo is that so many people jump on the band wagon; you are never really hurting for opponents or teammates no matter when you sign on. As with all things on Xbox Live, this is both a curse and a blessing. Dealing with loud, annoying teenagers can take a toll on the nerves, but Bungie has made it nice and easy to stick with that one party that actually does get things done. If only Final Fantasy XI worked like that, I'd still be wasting my days in Vana'diel.
Okie Dokie!
Ah, Columbus Day. That magical day of the year when we Italian Americans get criticized for ancient hypocrisy's that no one can prove or disprove. Nobody complains about getting a day off from work, but the first thing out of their mouths each year is "But Columbus didn't even discover America!" Granted, another Italian did (hence the word "America") but of course revisionist history wins the day yet again since the Vikings THOUGHT they discovered America even earlier.
For all of you stranieri out there perpetuating these myths, let me shed a little light for you on what it is like being Italian and American at the same time.
The Italian American communities of this country are currently in a state of unrest, and they have been pretty much since John Gotti Sr. bit the big one. Italians LOVE to screw each other over, for reasons we can't quite explain other than the ridiculous need to look out for number one. Example: my mother calls my uncle Matty over to do some carpentry work, we're more or less guaranteed that he'll do a shitty job with cheap materials, overcharge us by a ridiculous amount, then leave the job unfinished after he takes our money. Yet my mother has to call him every time we need a carpentry job done, because "that's your family". As if not going with "your family" and hiring an actual professional falls outside the laws laid down by some Italian American tribunal when the boats first landed on Ellis Island. What are they going to do? Talk bad about us behind our backs at the next funeral? With all the backstabbing going on amongst the Italians, it's hard for me to compliment my own nationality outside of cooking the world's greatest food ever.
Thank god we have Mario.
The immaculate concept of a whacky Japanese programmer, everyone's favorite Brooklyn born plumber in red overalls has been the staple of the video game industry for almost 30 years now. Strange that in an age of bad ass characters and dramatic mature storylines, gamers still have a soft spot for Mario and will pounce on any new games bearing his moniker in the title. After two decades Mario still sells and he has amassed quite a long, convoluted history along the way. So today, in honor of the only Italian holiday outside of little Christmas, we present a tribute biography of Super Mario, spanning all four of the console generations we have come to love him on.
Generation 1: Arcade, Atari and the NES
If you go by the movie incarnation of his storyline, Mario and his far more attractive brother Luigi both share the same last name of "Mario", hence the game titles of Mario Bros. and Super Mario Bros.. This is possibly the most retarded thing I or anyone reading this article has ever heard, and it is pretty obvious that the original title of these games refers to the fact that Mario is the main character of it all. Regardless of that, lack of evidence to the contrary will leave this as Mario's full name for now.
Mario Mario (ugh) was born in Brooklyn, New York, supposedly around the neighborhood of Flatbush. Like most Italian Americans, Mario held a wide array of jobs in order to help provide for himself and his family. Evidenced by his appearance in several video games (some of which were less technologically advanced than Tiger brand handhelds) we can see that Mario held such esteemed vocations as pizza maker, cake baker, and zoo keeper.
It was the latter of those that would catapult Mario into fame. After mistreating a giant ape due to troubles with his girlfriend at the time, named Pauline, Mario found himself climbing ladders and diving over flaming barrels for survival. Donkey Kong, the mistreated gorilla resident at Mario's zoo, had kidnapped Pauline and left our hero with no alternative but to pursue them before bestial love affair began.
Although he succeeded in this, Mario's victory would be bittersweet. Shortly after rescuing Pauline and bringing the big ape into captivity once again, Mario found himself on the receiving end of a good thrashing by Donkey Kong's son, Junior. After taking a tumble off a rather high platform and getting caught in his own binders, Mario decided to seek a new occupation. He ended up going into business with his brother Luigi, who up until this point had been a professional gigolo.
The two started as construction workers but eventually became plumbers, and during a particularly shady job found themselves attacked by turtle and crab like monsters protruding from various sewer pipes. After fending off the attack, Mario and Luigi pulled the rather gutsy and stupid move of sliding down the sewer pipes to see where the monsters were coming from. What they found was a land in turmoil known as the mushroom kingdom, currently under the reign of the evil King of the koopa army, Bowser. Allying themselves with the mushroom people (and eating their distant cousins to grow in size) Mario and Luigi dipped Bowser into a pool of lava Mafioso hit man style and rescued the noble Princess toadstool, who promptly rewarded the brothers with cake and a DP session.
Unfortunately it would later turn out that contact with lava didn't actually KILL Bowser, it just made him have kids. With a close knit army by his side, Bowser kidnapped the princess once again and sent his kids to deal with Mario and Luigi. This plan too, failed miserably, and Mario emerged as a legendary hero once again.
Generation 2: Game Boy and Super Nintendo
True to his Italian heritage, Mario wasn't the most faithful man in the world and sought adventures both in other dimensions and other bedrooms far from that of Pauline and Princess Toadstool, whose sexual escapades with the brothers had earned her the nickname "Peach". Leaving Peach with his brother, Mario ventured off to a very Egyptian style dimension to rescue another Princess known as Daisy. Although Mario did succeed and began a short love affair with the young girl, his heart eventually set off for another calling, that of medicine. Yes, Mario left Daisy in order to return to Earth and do battle with germs and viruses as Dr. Mario.
Although Mario did brilliant work in the age old medical science of pill popping, he found himself ever curious about the state of affairs in the mushroom kingdom. As such, he returned down the magic sewer pipes once again, only to find that Bowser had developed a fetish for clowns and had gone after Princess Toadstool yet again while managing to de-evolve the entire kingdom back to the Stone Age. Mario and Luigi sprang into action yet again and confronted Bowser, destroying his clown like air ship. Rather than smite Bowser where they stood, Mario suggested that the fate of the mushroom kingdom be determined in another way: a good old fashioned go kart race. Mario managed to win using dirty tactics and weaponry, restoring peace once again and netting himself a few racing trophies in the process.
Generation 3: Nintendo 64 and Gamecube
Bowser turned out to be a sore loser however, and while Mario was receiving his prize he kidnapped Peach yet again. Realizing that the usual castles and airships were proving worthless as strongholds, Bowser took a page from Dracula's game plan and took Peach inside of a painting within her own castle, sealing it with several magic stars. With nothing better to do and Luigi off training to become a ghost hunter, Mario tripped his way into the paintings and did battle with Bowser's minions until he had set the Princess free.
Shortly afterward, it was time for the annual go kart races to begin once again and this time several of Mario's old nemesis' showed up to take him down, including the overly obsessed fan boy Wario (whom Mario had tangled with in his spare time). Mario won the races yet again and this time Bowser agreed to dial back on the whole "taking over the mushroom kingdom" bit for awhile.
His illegitimate son, however, did not.
Sometime after the races, a wave of sludge overtook the land forcing Mario to spring into action to clean it all up. During this time it was revealed that Bowser HAD actually succeeded in seducing Peach at some point and had given birth to a half breed demon spawn in the process that had a penchant for dirtying things up. Fortunately, Mario had taken to watching old reruns of Captain Planet and once again gave the koopa family a good thrashing.
Generation 4: DS, Wii, and Beyond
Victory was bittersweet once again however, as during the next annual kart races Mario found himself in the center of a love triangle when Princess Daisy showed up with a score to settle against Peach. The two raced for their man and while Peach did wind up the victor, it was Daisy who took home the moral victory after wowing the local crowds with her impressive drift skills.
With all his foes seemingly vanquished, Mario announced that he was ready to retire from the hero game. Strangely enough, rather than cheers and gratitude, Mario received a response from his fans full of disappointment. Confused as to why, Mario soon learned that he had one more foe to take down, someone many felt he had been ducking for several years: a certain blue hedgehog by the name of Sonic. Mario knew he could not be considered the best hero in the world without taking on the foreign competition, and so he set his sights on what could be his greatest challenge yet at a most appropriate arena: the 2008 Olympic Games in the city of Beijing.
The Anger
Although we have followed Mario throughout most of his illustrious career, he has remained mostly mute for most of the years. He almost never speaks, quite possibly ashamed of his ridiculous broken English accent and wishing to avoid questions about his infidelity. Regardless, Mario has become a staple of the video game industry and achieved legendary status despite his somewhat controversial background. Here's hoping he whoops Sonic's ass back to the emerald zone. Until next time, abbracci l'odio.
