The Wonder Years 11.14.07: Week 30 - Hardest Bits
Posted by Owain J. Brimfield on 11.15.2007
The hardest bits of the Wonder Years!
Welcome to the column where all gamers of a certain age come to wallow in 16-bit nostalgia. I'm your host, Owain J. Brimfield, and I'll be discussing some of the hidden gems and instant classics of gaming's golden era.
This week, it's time once again for our regularly-scheduled SPECIAL FEATURES~! (Hang on, does Csonka have the trademark on that? I wonder if he'll notice…) Yes, fans of the decimal system rejoice as The Wonder Years' thirtieth iteration brings to you a break from the norm, as we take a look at:
[drumroll please]
The hardest bits of the Wonder Years
Yes, during the Wonder Years games were, in general, a fair bit more challenging than those we see today - obviously that's not an all-encompassing rule, but the challenges we'll discuss here today certainly give a lot of support to that notion. Of course, the NES is regarded as being home to the greatest concentration of truly challenging games (Ghosts N' Goblins, Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!, Mega Man, Ninja Gaiden… the list goes on and on), but the 16-bit consoles weren't too far behind. So if you're after a gaming experience that'll make you weep tears of blood and pound your controller against the wall into submission before exacting a gruesome revenge on the cartridge with a sledgehammer and a can of petrol, look no further than the following beauties, arranged in no particular order:
[editor's note: I should mention I couldn't find all the screenshots I wanted, so some of the following don't represent the actual bits I'm talking about. They're from the right games though. At least, I hope.]
Game: Super Mario World
The hardest bit: Tubular
Possibly a slight anomaly on this list, SMW is a decently challenging title, but the game proper never strays into the realm of the annoyingly difficult (unless you count the absurd randomness of locating the second exit on Chocolate Island 2)… until you reach Star Road, that is. A selection of eight of by far the trickiest levels in the game, none will have you crying into your coffee more so than the second, Tubular. Thankfully there's a save point right after the level, so once you've beaten it you never have to go back, unless you enjoy seeing Mario pop his clogs. Relying on a combination of perilously spaced platforms, the sludgily maneuverable Balloon Mario, and some devilishly placed Parakoopas and projectiles, the level is relatively short but a bitch to navigate. Full credit when you manage the section that involves flying under a single ? block topped by a Chargin' Chuck while your helium power is almost out, and collecting the second balloon while dodging the footballs a second Chuck is booting your way. Crucially though, it's immensely satisfying to get past, as the level never feels unfair. Unlike some of the following moments, that is…
Game: Battletoads
The hardest bit: Turbo Tunnel
Although watered down somewhat from the insane NES original, Battletoads on the Genesis still presents one of the hardest challenges known to 16-bit gamers in the shape of its infamous third level, which features a rapid speeder bike chase through a tunnel lined with obstacles. The walls come at you with barely any warning, and the speed of reactions needed to navigate the level's five full sections is mind-boggling, with upwards of twenty walls flashing by in the space of a few moments by the level's climax. The only saving grace, and it really is only a token gesture, is the presence of a warp tunnel that skips you over to level five, but even that is located right near the end of the level. Some players have advocated a method of memorizing the sequence of the walls and then rhythmically tapping up and down in time to the sound effects - I suppose this gives you as much chance as any other method. Kudos if you ever got past level three and saw the rest of the game; I know I only did once or twice, and even then I cried when I realized I'd made all that effort to get only a quarter of the way through the title.
Game: R-Type III
The hardest bit: Resurrection in Advanced Mission mode
Not necessarily the hardest R-Type (II gets that vote in my book), this is nonetheless one of the hardest shooters on the Super NES, even more so than its cousin Gradius III, which merely relied on intense projectile fire for most of its difficulty - R-Type III is a much more intelligent kind of hard. The fifth level is divided into three stages, and while relatively short, is populated full of blocks that unexpectedly morph into enemies and smack you in the face. Once the assault course is over and done with, you're presented with a boss who just… won't… die, shifting through six different phases, each referencing a boss from one of the prior R-Type games. The final phase is probably the trickiest, flinging indestructible debris in eight directions, but the Krill isn't exactly much easier. Tackling this as part of the harder Advanced Mission, gained only after completing the game, will make your brain melt as you try and adopt the different strategies each phase necessitates. I'm pretty sure I never got past this, but my subconscious has repressed the memory, so scarring an experience was it.
Game: The Adventures of Batman & Robin
The hardest bit: stage 3 in co-op mode
We're not talking about the Super NES version here, which was an updated version of the early 90s cartoon. We're talking about the Genesis version, which was a four-stage slice of pure, unadulterated evil. It's not enough that the game throws vast arrays of enemies at you at all times, meaning you invariably take a pounding from close range and from distance at the same time, and not enough that the techno soundtrack thumps your ears into constant submission. No, the third stage also introduces some of the most irritating bad guys to be found on the Genesis, in the form of the electric shock dolls and the hideous Disney-themed bosses. At least pounding on thugs and henchmen is primally satisfying to a degree. Why on earth would Batman be fighting a robotic Pinocchio and the Mad Hatter? Answers on a postcard, please. And if you're thinking "holy stupidity Batman, surely taking on the game with two players co-operatively makes it easier", then you're wrong. Why? Because the two players share continues, effectively reducing the number of lives from five to two. Just mental stuff.
Game: Super Castlevania IV
The hardest bit: Clockwork Mansion
A controversial choice here, to be sure. The NES predecessor Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse was a legitimately rock-hard game and ended many a gamer's aspirations. The first Super NES iteration, though, is actually one of the easiest in the series, but it gets the nod here for a few rooms of Mode 7-based madness later in the game, in which the level actually rotates around the player while maintaining its 2D perspective. From a gameplay perspective, there's nothing overly tricky beyond defeating a swarm of Medusa Heads and dodging skeletons emerging from the background. However, the motion sickness this short sequence induces is enough to make even the most toughened of stomachs feel queasy, and makes negotiating the traps in these rooms seem a lot harder than it actually is. Plus, the rest of the level is then blighted by the residual dizziness you'll be experiencing. But hey, at least it showed off the console's sparkly new technical prowess, even if it does mean taking a bathroom break every time you get this far in the game. Bleuuurrrgh.
Game: Target Earth
The hardest bit: Headquarter Blitz
Although not as well known as its Super NES sibling Cybernator, Target Earth is arguably the better, and arguably the more difficult of the two, which would go on to spawn the Assault Suit franchise. An unrelenting run-and-gunner, with some pretty harsh scenes in the Japanese version, the apex of the game's difficulty is the sixth level, which pushes the game's platforming elements largely aside in favor of an overwhelming onslaught. Even destroying the barrier generator to allow access to the HQ base is damn tricky with the throng of grenade launchers guarding it, but once you're inside you have to be very, very good to stay alive - especially seeing as the only way of reclaiming health is to stand stock still. Not a chance of that, Jack. If being murdered repeatedly eventually gets too much for you, take a deep breath and contemplate the fact that many gamers didn't even get this far. And hey, at least there are no points bonuses to worry about in this level. Not that anyone would be good enough to get them anyway.
Game: Super Ghouls N' Ghosts
The hardest bit: the first level
Okay, so it's not really the hardest bit in the whole game, but has one first level ever been more responsible for more gamers giving up in complete exasperation? I certainly did, the first twenty or so times I attempted it. A masterpiece of nefarious enemy placement coupled with the complete inability of the hero, Arthur, to alter the arc of his jumps in mid-air, this level turned many a respectable gamer away with their heads hung in shame - a pity, as the rest of the game was actually very good, even if you did need to beat the whole thing twice to see the ending (which, sadly, could never match the immortal final words of its predecessor, Ghosts N' Goblins - "Congraturation. This story is happy end."). Protected only by the world's weakest suit of armor, which crumbles away after merely one hit, Arthur spends a lot of his time in this level running away from zombies in his underpants, and an even greater amount of time dying. It's a strong-stomached player who manages to beat this level and press on dauntless in the face of the challenges that lie ahead.
Game: Contra: Hard Corps
The hardest bit: The Red Falcon
Hard Corps, or just hardcore? The Contra series is world renowned for being one of the toughest bastards of any videogame to beat, and Hard Corps on the Genesis could well be the toughest of them all. The non-linear level structure results in a number of final bosses, but the big momma at the end of the second game path is probably the trickiest to finally dispatch. A giant woman with an exposed brain and large claws, the wild swinging arm attacks and hailstorm of alien eggs only becomes feasible to withstand if your character happens to be in possession of a homing weapon. And, of course, just when you think you have her beat, she transforms into a hideous alien beastie, swirling her eyeballs at you while taunting you to strike at her huge, beating heart. The eyeballs themselves are indestructible, natch, and are damned hard to avoid. You've done damn well if you've even gotten this far, though, so taking yet another pounding at the hands of the Falcon is nothing to be ashamed of, even if it does mean you miss out on the ending sequence.
Game: Sinistar
The hardest bit: killing Sinistar in the Void
Available in 16-bit land as part of Williams Arcade's Greatest Hits, Sinistar is a cult arcade-flavored title with the scariest sound effects known to man (tell me the stereo "Beware, I live!" doesn't make you shiver just a little bit). Taking control of a small spaceship, the player has to fly around a series of four repeating levels, mining asteroids for 'Sinibombs', the only weapon capable of destroying Sinistar. It's almost a race against the clock, as you're competing against worker droids who race to mine the planets themselves to build Sinistar, the lion-faced spaceship, and also sentries that engage you directly. Sinistar itself takes 13 bombs to destroy, and many gamers won't even accumulate that amount before the uber-baddie goes live and kicks the crap out of you. The Void level, though, is especially tricky, with a complete dearth of asteroids from which to gather Sinibombs, and the frantic pace at which Sinistar chases you around the screen, all the while bellowing out of the speakers. It's inevitable that the station gets constructed before you've reached your full complement of weaponry, and even more inevitable that you'll get blown the hell up. Even the notorious 255 life glitch wasn't enough for some gamers to defeat the might of Sinistar.
Game: Shaq Fu
The hardest bit: the whole game
All of it. Any of it. Shaq Fu is indisputably one of the worst games of the 16-bit era, and the hardest game I've ever had to sit through due to the sheer unplayability of the cartridge. It's frankly ridiculous - the game is an abomination from start to finish… well, I assume it is, I never got past the third level or so but I don't believe things would have improved in any way, shape or form. Hard to believe that developers Delphine were also responsible for Flashback, a decent title that is, surprisingly, the best-selling French game of all time. With the worst collision detection ever committed to game form, risible dialogue, a godawful pun of a title - and I'm usually a massive fan of shoddy wordplay - and the poorest shoehorning-in of a license ever seen (hey, at least Michael Jordan in Chaos in the Windy City had camp value), anyone who has completed Shaq Fu gets my respect for sitting through the hardest experience of the Wonder Years. You also get my everlasting contempt for being retarded enough to tolerate this monstrosity of a "game".
The Videosphere
Let's take a look at this week's video highlight. Well, maybe 'lowlight' is a more accurate term. Believe it or not, a game as dreadful as Shaq Fu was actually given a full marketing budget, and the team's attempts resulted in one of the funniest commercials for a game I've ever seen. Take a look, and try not to be struck dumb by the charisma and sheer articulacy of Shaquille O'Neal, seen here flogging his "game" to the masses by virtue of spouting a stream of gibberish. Notice how frequently the actual gameplay is featured (ie. not at all).
General indulgences
Every week in this section I'll endeavour to provide you, the faithful readers, with a fascinating insight into the various forms of entertainment currently dominating my spare time.
This week, I have been mostly enjoying:
WWE Day Of Reckoning 2, which I decided to replay from scratch this week. Unfortunately, the loading times got the best of me after two matches, so I decided to beat the stuffing out of Carlito in some hardcore matches instead. He told me it wasn't cool.
The Divine Wings of Tragedy by Symphony X. The funny thing is, this CD is acclaimed by most of their fans as their best album, but I don't think it's a patch on their more recent offerings like The Odyssey. Too much neoclassical noodling, although still an undeniably good record.
Firefly, the boxset of which I finally found for a reasonable price, and proves to be every bit as good as its reputation. There's no denying Joss Whedon is a man of many and superior talents, and I say that as someone who thought Buffy was pretty boring.
and The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, finally available in paperback form with an updated preface in which he rebuts many criticisms of the earlier publication. A stimulating read, it's just a shame no American networks have the guts to air his atheist polemic documentary Root of all Evil?.
And finally…
As always, reader feedback and suggestions are welcome, I respond to everything so just drop me a line. You can also check out my science fiction column "The Flux Capacitor" over at 411 Movies. Next week in "The Wonder Years" - a classic that wasn't as secretive as its title would suggest. Until then - keep it real, keep it retro.
