The Hall of Shame 11.22.07: Superman 64
Posted by Vincent Chiucchi on 11.22.2007
Thanks for nothing Superman.
Why is it that a lot of superhero games wind up sucking? I mean you'd think making a good game based on someone with superpowers, villains, and a backstory right from the get go based on dozens of comic book issues would be easy. But for some reason, a lot of superhero games wind up sucking. Are game companies so damn greedy that they purposely half ass their games like that? Or they are just really incompetant? Anyway, when you talk about superheroes that have bad games that suck, there's always one hero that stands above the rest as the worst of the worst. What saddening about it is that this isn't just some low-level semi-popular hero, but rather the most iconic of them all: Superman.
Superman was one of the first (or perhaps was the first) superheroes in history, dating all the way back to 1930's. Superman is pretty much the template to what a superhero is, and any basic superpower you can think of, he likely has it. Super speed, super strength, super hearing, a body as hard as steel, heat vision, x-ray vision, freeze breath, traveling through time on a couple occasions, jumping over really tall buildings despite the fact that he can fly...Superman basically has it all. So, you'd think by the mid 90's when video games reached the 32/64-bit era and we were amazed by how games have just gone 3D, someone would've found a way to make a really good Superman game. But instead, in 1999, Titus Software released a game so bad, it's found a spot into the Hall of Shame.
The plot of the game was based around the latest Superman cartoon. Lex Luthor has trapped Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen and Professor Emil Hamilton in his virtual version of Metropolis, though Lois up there doesn't really seem to give a damn. So in order to save them, Superman must go to this world and...get this...fly through lots of hoops. No, seriously. The hoops are apparently an essential part of the plot, seeing how you spend half the game flying through these things. Plus for some reason Lex Luthor keeps calling the series of loops mazes. If you don't go through the series of loops in the amount of time given or you miss too many, this somehow makes Lex wins. The other Superman villains are also apparently supposed to be in this game because since this is Lex Luthor's world he can pretty much do whatever he wants. But why he decides to make a virtual world where he makes Superman fly through a bunch of hoops to save his friends is a mystery. There are other missions in this world that doesn't make sense, such as having to stop cars from being blown up or running over people. If they're all virtual, thus not real...why is Superman bothering to save them? How exactly does Lex win if Superman doesn't bother rescuing some fake virtual people? This is quite possibly the worst story in the history of Superman, and probably of all comic books ever.
Now as for the graphics...oh sweet Christmas are they bad. Words alone can not really help describe just how fucking ugly this game is. Take a look at this one:
Apparently that pink/purple thing is supposed to be the sky, which is weird because last time I checked the sky is supposed to be blue with the occasional cloud here and there. The ground looks completely green save for the streets which are gray lines, the buildings look like the kind of 3D you would see in the 80's, and the water is comprised entirely of one blue polygon. Once you break through that one blue polygon, you're supposed to be "underwater" except that there's no actual water. So basically, when you think about it, the graphics look like they belong in a really old Sim City game. Although after seeing several videos and screenshots of the game, I began to think this was from a rom version of the game, and thus things look messed up. So I decided to get a more accurate screenshot:
Wow, not a damn bit of difference. You can still barely see anything further then 10 feet away in this game because of Lex Luthor's "kryptonite Fog", which you should know by now that it's an excuse for the designers to explain why the game looks like shit. But even without the so called fog, you'd think a genius like Lex Luthor would create a virtual world that didn't look like it was built out of legos. Maybe he should've just stuck with taken over regular Metropolis, since that would've also make a lot more sense for the asinine plot. Seriously, after looking at a couple videos of this game, I began to think the graphics was as bad as Big Rigs. You know what actually? This game actually has WORSE graphics then Big Rigs! At least in Big Rigs you can tell what the roads and trees are even if you go through them that like they don't exist.
Now it's time to talk about how bad the controls are. For some reason, the designers decided to make everything important the B button. The B button is used to accelerate when flying, grabbing objects, activating events, and resuming the text. If this was an NES game, I might understand putting so much into one button, but the N64 controller has NINE! This setup becomes a pain in the ass when you do the missions where you need to fly to a car, pick it up, and start flying again. The rest of the controls are used for powers that you can only use when you've collected a power up (why the hell is Superman collecting power ups?!), fighting enemies who either look like crap or explode on you, and blocking bullets which apparently harm Superman.
But you know what's the worst part about all this is? That Superman 64 was not only such a horrendous game, but stores were charging SEVENTY FUCKING DOLLARS to play it! Even these days when Xbox 360 games are $60, charging $70 for a game is really high and is only worth it if it's a really good game. I remember years ago when I had a Sega Saturn that I so desperately wanted Fighters Megamix, and even though it cost $70 I knew it would be awesome, and it was awesome, and I wish it would come to the Virtual Console or something so I can play it again (my Saturn is long gone). Having Superman 64 at the same price was, quite possibly, a scam.
Even though superheroes are likely to have games that suck, there are times when a game comes out about one and instead of falling in either the bad category or the "it's-goods-for-fans" category, it actually turns out to be good. Spider-Man was able to get a couple good games. Batman had a couple in the old days. The Hulk had Ultimate Destruction and it was highly praised. But Superman, the guy who has been around longer then all of them? When was the last time you played a Superman game and thought it was really good? It's bad enough that we treat the guy like a dick, but how come no game developer out there has given Superman the truly defining video game?
The comics aren't even the only source material developers can use. You've also got the incredibly popular TV show Smallville, which is based on Clark Kent's teenage to young adult years and has been around for over six years now. Why can't they, say, make a game where you start off as a young Clark Kent who learns about his origins and starts to realize the powers he has? Overtime you fight villains, gain more powers, and towards the end become a full fledged Superman? To be honest I'm not into comic books or the show at all, but even THAT has to be a better idea then what the guys at Titus Software was thinking when they were creating Superman 64.
