Angry Gaming 12.03.07: An Open Letter to Santa Claus

Posted by Damian Sarcuni on 12.03.2007

What do the folks at the hate club want for Christmas this year? The answer might surprise you.

Welcome to Angry Gaming, the drunken uncle that talks just a little too much at the gaming industry's holiday get togethers. I am your hate master, Damian Sarcuni, and I finally sold out and got me a myspace to promote my work here as well as some independent stuff. Check it out at http://www.myspace.com/projectangel .


An Open Letter to Santa Claus



It's December! Time for the horrors of shopping mall rampages, blinding snow storms, and holiday family crisis' to slam down upon our unsuspecting little heads 'neath the guise of joyous yuletide and a season for peace on earth. Not that I'm bitter, mind you. Christmas is the hate club's favorite holiday because at the very least the misery that comes with the holidays is something you can see coming. Getting your ass blown off with a loose firecracker on Independence Day, on the other hand, tends to come out of left field.

Most importantly, its time to write up our Christmas lists! All the boys and girls of the world have busted out their construction paper and Crayola crayons in the hopes of netting those ultra expensive and hard to find toys this year. Parents take hold of these letters to jolly old St. Nick like orders of execution, but by god, its tradition and that's the way we like it! We at Angry Gaming have decided to put together our own list this year, but it's not what you may think. Unlike last year, we've changed our minds and decided to reform a little bit. This year we aren't asking for anything for ourselves, just for those around us. More importantly, our letter to Santa is an open one, as the rest of you will probably have a few items to add in the next draft.

That's about the entire introduction one can come up with for a Christmas letter, so let's get this poppin'.


Dear Santa,

I've been:

A very good boy.

A strong leader for my community.

Drinking heavily.

Hustlin'.

Driving far too fast for my own good and the good of others.

Contemplating joining the priesthood.

Better this year than compared to other years,

and as always am a big supporter of your work. This year I have done my best to be selfless and try to give to others instead of to myself. Because of this, I would like you to give the following gifts not to me, but to those who truly need them in the game industry.


This year I want:

* A copy of Need for Speed Underground for everyone at Electronic Arts, so they can remember what a good racing game is like.

* A new script writer for Clive Barker in the sequel to his game Jericho.

* A set of video cameras for the people over at Rockstar games so they can be on TV all the time like they dream of.

* Meaningful lives and girlfriends for all the boys still playing Final Fantasy XII.



* Normal fathers and psychology sessions for all the girls still playing Final Fantasy XI.

* New multiplayer servers for Konami so they won't have to shut down Dance Dance Revolution's online features after one month.

* A legitimate contract with Capcom for Nintendo.

* New sets of eyeglasses for the people who designed the Xbox 360's original hardware.

* A much deserved teen rating for Manhunt 2.

* A calendar for everyone left at Blizzard games working on Starcraft 2 so they will finally realize when a game is hot, when to tease it, and when to actually release the damn thing.

* A copy of The Dethalbum by Dethklok for Red Octane and all the others who came up with Guitar Hero, so they can get some ideas for the next game.



* Swedish green cards and new file hosting for the boys over at Demonoid.com.

* A new, working assembly line for all the factories that make the Nintendo Wii console.

* College educations in the field of economics for the Sony Playstation 3 marketing team.

* Two 16 year old Japanese school girls, a set of handcuffs, a whip, a cucumber and a padded cell for Tomonobu Itagaki, preferably on a deserted island somewhere.

* More cocaine for Shigeru Miyamoto because he's gotta be running low by now.

* Free day care coupons for the parents of all the annoying brats I play against in Halo 3 and Gears of War.

* A decent explanation for anyone who played Killer 7.



* Funding for a Beyond Good and Evil sequel.

* A boat for SquareEnix, so they can ship Front Mission 5 outside of Japan sometime in the next decade.

* Meaningful employment for Trip Hawkins.

* Actual printed publishing for the writers here at 411mania.

* A Sense of humor for everyone offended by the Resident Evil 5 trailer.

* An idea for a decent ending for the people that made F.E.A.R. and its expansions.

* Something else to do for all my old DDR buddies.

* An HDTV for everyone planning on buying the sequels to Dead Rising and Crackdown.



and finally, * An actual decent game for everyone who owns a Playstation 3.


The Anger

If you would be so kind as to give these gifts to those who so desperately need them Santa, I would be most grateful and the world would likely be a much better place. Thanks in advance, and embrace the hatred…if you can get your arms around it, fatty.