Angry Gaming 01.28.08: The Gamer’s Bill of Rights

Posted by Damian Sarcuni on 01.28.2008

Somebody had to write it. Unfortunately Angry Gaming did first.

Welcome to Angry Gaming, the electric car that dethrones the rising gas prices of the gaming industry. I am your hate master, Damian Sarcuni, and the comments section at this bottom of this article can also be used as a petition to convince the lovely Ms. Ivy Moon of Showtime productions to go out for a drink with me. I'm just saying.


The Gamer's Bill of Rights

While browsing around the 411Mania games section last week, checking out my fellow writers and grumbling about the persistence of gimmick theft running rampant these days, I came across THIS little gem from Vincent Chiucchi, where he brought to public attention a Fox News special report that basically labeled Mass Effect as being detrimental to children. It's impossible to watch the report Vinny was talking about without wanting to take a sledgehammer to the Fox news room. This is one seriously sad sack of sensationalism, where reporters openly admit that they didn't play the game before writing up their report, and that it is unfortunate that parents have to pay attention to the things their children play with. Hey, I'm all for right wing logic, but this is ridiculous.

The report featured a "debate" between a Cooper Lawrence, a psychologist with a newly published book and Jeff Keighley, a video game expert for Spike TV. Debates like this are all too familiar, and are usually available on G4 TV or whenever a new Grand Theft Auto is released and some right wing reporters get their hands on it. Maybe I'm alone in this, but these debates are the most annoying thing ever. The arguments that need to be made never are, despite how obvious they are. In the case of this report, Keighley swears up and down that the nudity in Mass Effect is brief and avoidable, whereas Lawrence goes on and on about studies which show a link between violence and video games in children.

If you're like me, you want to bust these fools in the skull by the time their debates are over, and demand why they didn't actually make any valid points as to their own arguments. This is just one of the many reasons why gamers have such trouble being taken seriously in today's society. We are viewed, albeit subconsciously, as virtual-addicted zombies who obey the evil commands of our dark developer masters and exist only to ruin our parents' lives and bring society down a few steps as a whole. Well, no more.

The following is a video game player's bill of rights, and the reasons why we have the right to the items listed below. If the governments of the world were to indoctrinate this article into national law I guarantee these brain dead debates and constant whining would come to screeching halt, and maybe, just MAYBE, hardcore gamers and casual players alike would be taken seriously for a change. Heck, knowing South Korea they might actually do it.


Article I. Gamers have the right to ADEQUATE representation within all forms of news media.



Please don't take this the wrong way, I swear I am actually an Adam Sessler fan. The man has such styling shirts! But while the G4 X-Play might be a fashion plate that brings a good point or two to the argument table, the fact is he isn't cutting the mustard against the major news media players. Sessler doesn't mention that anti-video game research is often funded by lobbyists or that other studies have suggested that there is no link between games and behavior at all. Nobody does. The reason why all these game debates always wind up ending with the whole "parents have to watch what their kids play line" is because people keep making the same arguments over and over! We need to stop putting up net writers and TV hosts into our debates and start putting in Microsoft's lawyers and members of the ESRB. Actually, if I had to pick a proper games representative, I'd choose famous porn star Asia Carrera. Cracked.com tells me she's a genius with a nice rack and a love of Unreal Tournament. If nothing else, you know she'll distract the opposition in any debate. So there ya go.


Article II. Gamers have the right to self-censor and are eligible for all the benefits of doing such including (but not limited to) news media silence.

Hey, there's a goddamn V-chip in my Xbox 360! The latest generation of video game developers has actually gone out of their way to put censorship tools into their latest consoles, so that underage gamers will be unable to access any adult content both in their own games and DVD's as well as online. These items are not turned on by default but for all intents and purposes little Johnny won't even be able touch that illegally-purchased copy of Manhunt 2 when he gets home from the store if his parents configure the console right. As such, since the game industry has complied with demands to put these censorship tools into their systems, and gamers have not complained about it, there is no reason why anyone should be complaining about adult content in games. The tools are all there for parents to stop their kids from playing the adult games, end of story. It is not another gamer's fault if parents don't have the brains or make the effort to use these tools, and as such no arguments regarding violent or sexual content should be directed to any gamer.


Article III. Gamers have the right to a detailed description of rating policies and industry standards.



In the above Fox News report, the question was posed as to why Mass Effect did not receive an Adults Only rating. We will for now ignore that fact that the ESRB themselves qualified Mass Effect for a Mature rating (and the ESRB is a standard by which acting government officials have expressed no discontent) and simply point out that adults only games are simply not produced by any major video game developer. All this information was left out of the Fox News report and is left out of so many other news reports pertaining to video games as well. Gamers should have a list of rating policies and industry standards on them at all times, that they may shove it in any up tight square's face the next time someone starts whining out these rhetorical questions regarding how a game is made. In fact, let's make it two copies, in case the blue bloods bring their friends along.


Article IV. Gamers have the right to a globally acceptable content standard.



In England, gamers can't play Manhunt 2 but they can see topless nudity on the Benny Hill Show. In Japan, adults can't see uncensored crotch areas in their porn but they can see little girl's panties and tentacle rape in their games. The madness must end! Gamers the world over deserve a global standard of content ratings AND a global standard of media format so that all games can be played everywhere. The same way foreign film so easily makes its way across the shores and borders of various nations, so too should gaming media. Besides, as we've all seen in previous articles, I want my Japanese dating sims, dammit!


The Anger

I'm guessing we can add a lot more articles to the Gamer's bill of rights, but this at least is a good start that should keep Fox News off our backs. It would be so nice if the government would spank up those who use games and gamers as a scapegoat for the obvious social-based issues of our world for a change, as opposed to allowing the endless witch hunt to continue unchallenged. I notice that whenever these special reports want to talk about how horrible games are, they go to the end user and not to the developers themselves. That's like doing a special report on Asia Carrera videos and talking about it with…well, me. Until next time, embrace the hatred.