Working Title 03.27.08: Dumb and Dumber: The Videogames

Posted by Jordan Williams on 03.27.2008

Ever seen an idea so stupid that there is no way it could possibly work, yet you know that it actually will? I've seen two of them.

Welcome back to the #1 Column to think that Jansen is one of the funniest RPG characters to ever exist this generation, WORKING TITLE. That's right, my Xbox 360 is finally bad from the shops and now I'm back on my Lost Odyssey trail and I've officially hit the third disc. WHOO.

Sorry for the absence last week. Every once in awhile there's things that go on that require your attention just a little bit more than the internet and video games, so I had to handle that. It seems I picked a really bad week to come back, however...as it seems the gaming world has just lost its goddamn mind.

Seriously.

I'm not even going to write some introduction to the column, I'm just going to jump straight into it with two feet forward. It's gonna be a short one, folks.


Dumb and Dumber: The Videogames

Every once in a while I run across some news items that I just HAVE to devote a column to. The last time this happened was with Blizzard's Big Announcement, now I'm going to look at two of the worst announcements I've seen in the last 48 hours. Seriously, the fact that someone thought that these are good ideas needs to get killed in a fire.

Electric fire.


Guitar Hero On Tour

Continuing the tradition in which games that have "On Tour" or "Tour" in them are doomed to be unplayable pieces of filth, we are now blessed with quite possibly the most contrived DS game I have ever seen.

Guitar Hero On Tour.



Just look at that. Seriously. LOOK AT THAT. I could be a purist and bitch and complain about that fact that there is no orange button, but really this whole concept looks FUCKING STUPID. With a stretch of the imagination you can actually look pretty damned cool playing Guitar Hero. Sure, there are the people out there that will always hate on it and say 'play a real guitar, asshole', but sometimes when you are in a groove and rocking out and you actually look pretty awesome.

There is NO WAY you will look awesome playing this in public. The game comes with a SLING in which you have to wrap around your neck so you can hold the DS in your left hand while fingering the frets as you slide the stylus across the touch screen to strum. How in the hell is this like playing a guitar AT ALL? It's almost closer to a violin or a viola.

Don't believe me? Here's a video.



Tell me, does either of these people look hip and cool and trendy? NO. They look like idiots who are trying to play a DS game in a sling.

I understand now that Guitar Hero and its bigger and better cousin Rock Band are really hot right now, but this is just getting stupid. In games that require you to loosely mimic an action; you are still in some semblance of the word, doing the action. In DDR you are still moving your feet and your body, even if you aren't dancing. In Wii Sports (or any Wii game for that matter) you are still making the basic movements even if it doesn't exactly match what is going on on screen. In Guitar Hero On Tour how in the hell does that work? You don't look like you are playing a guitar; you look like you are scribbling the worlds longest phone number onto a blackberry.

If I sound like I am being overly harsh on this, it's because I am. This is just a STUPID idea.

Alright, I'll try to find some bright spots here...

The little fret plug in for the GBA slot is pretty nifty, I'll admit that. At least SOMEONE else is finding a use for it other than to just move GBA saves onto DS games or for that Rumble Pak I wish they would use more often. Seriously, how many games even USE the DS Rumble Pak? The fact that there IS some sort of music game coming to the DS that is better than Jam Sessions is alright...20 licensed tracks are pretty nifty, too.

But as it stands this is just bad. It just seems too needlessly contrived to actually be fun (but I bet you SOMEONE will find a way to make it fun) and it just REEKS of cash-in. I guess they want to make all the money the can before Rock Band 2 comes out and renders Guitar Hero completely obsolete.

50 Cent: Bulletproof 2



So I am cruising Kokatu and I see this. My automatic reaction was to scream in terror and run to the streets and proclaim that there is now definitive proof that there is no God.

I pray this is just some sick April Fool's joke that EGM is trying to pull off in order to make people like me look retarded. I would GLADLY admit to falling for it if it meant that this piece of garbage didn't have to hit the shelves.

Apparently, despite being a downright horrible game this game somehow sold a lot of copies. I'm going on record and saying that if you actually paid money to own this game, you are officially banned from reading my column anymore.

I mean it. Close the window right now.

Yes, that means you.

Yes. You.

I can wait.











Alright, he's gone.

Anyway, I can't see how someone who had any taste in video games bought this and kept it long enough to have fun with it, let alone why someone would want a sequel. Was it the jaw dropping graphics? The fast paced action or the spot on aiming? Maybe it was the deep 'educational'(In Fiddy's own words) story?

Maybe somewhere in the 6th layer of hell this is all some plot to destroy the minds of the suburban white male? Yes, that has to be in. This is the only reason why a sequel to this game should ever see the light of day. There are TONS of bad games I'd love to see get a sequel before this game:

A DS Port of Superman 64 with all touch screen controls.
Sonic 3D Blast for the Virtual Console
Virtual Boy II
Turning Point II
Final Fantasy VII-2
Pokemon Channel 2


Seriously, the list goes on. The sad thing is that if they make this game, they will learn no mistake, it will be the same garbage that glorifies gang violence and hip-hop just like the first one (one can make an argument that GTA and Saints Row do the same...but those games are actually GOOD), and it will make tons of money and the evil devils behind this will sleep happily knowing that they have released another blight upon the gaming world. If this turns out to be an April Fools joke, I will die a happy man...and then I will proceed to burn EGM HQ to the ground...with electric fire.



It's a rare occasion indeed that the world of gaming does something so painfully stupid that it actually causes me to rant on the sheer quantity of stupidity that is being thrust fourth, but when it does it just doesn't get pretty. Next week I'll be back with a real column for all of you lovely ladies out there to read...maybe something to go with this week's Working Question.


Working Feedback


Developers provide a video that showcases what the gameplay is like in a broad range of the game - there's never been a demo that does that, and it's unlikely they'll start taking the time to code one specifically for the ESRB to not look at anyway.

While I can't say they have or have not, according to the ESRB, if the video they send is not good enough, they will ask for a beta demonstration of the game in question. Read into that how you wish.

The video works, providing the developers are honest about showing what to expect from the game. If Rockstar sent in a tape of GTA IV and just showed someone driving around obeying the laws of traffic...well, it'd be a pretty freaking boring game - but it'd be a T-rated game, at the worst.

This all does rely on honesty. Bethesda learned that the hard way when they didn't showcase the blood or the mangled corpses in Oblivion and tried to fly under the radar with a T rating. I agree that the video does work, and it should be more than enough to base a decision off of.

Expanded ratings would just muddy the waters. Now you'd have clerks checking if a kid is 16, not 15, to buy a T-16 title? Or 14, not 12, to buy a T-13 game? It's taken this long just to get stores to consistently check on M-rated titles - expanding it would be a mess.
The rating system is fine the way it is, the games industry just needs to start spending money on lobbyists so we can convince legislators that *GASP* parents should be responsible for their children and their actions.~Rod Oracheski

See, I can see both sides of it. On one side I do think we need some sort of rating difference or at least a clearer cut definition of what gets what, but on the other hand I personally cannot think of a way to integrate it correctly. It's just something that if they decide to do, they'll have to do it right the first time or not do it at all. And I agree that the games industry needs to stop letting shit like this slide and start employing people to work THIER side of the line. Most of these things aren't the industry's fault, but since they don't do anything about it they end up looking like the guilty party, while the parents get to hide behind people like Hilary and Wacko Jacko and get away scott free.


Working Question: Why do you hate me? Part I



Well?

Until next time, I'm Jordan Williams…and I swear Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Ring of Fates has some of the most annoying dialogue ever. Find out why when my review of it goes up this weekend.