The Red Snifit 04.22.08: THE KARATE COMMANDO

Posted by Chris Scott on 04.22.2008

What happens when you unwillingly buy a bad game? The 411s Chris Scott tells a tale of a man who only wanted to play The Karate Kid on his NES. Plus, as always, he have your weekly trip to The Virtual Console Corral!



Welcome to another edition of The Red Snifit. I am the flying egg to your windshield of life, Chris Scott. I was going to think of something amusing to ease you into this week's column, but watching over the 2 new baby kittens in the ol' homestead (Remy and Ozzy) have transformed me into a zombie who runs hourly sessions of gathering food and acting as a feline jungle gym. Oh, and I've been playing Okami as well. Might as well get the show on the road while the furballs are sleeping!

This week, I'd like to share with you a tale of good fortune for a lucky man who dodged a gaming bullet. Gather round, kids! It's story time!


Our Feature Presentation: THE KARATE COMMANDO



Just a few weeks ago, I caught up with an old friend of mine from my radio broadcasting days. Although he has a good 5-10 years on me, we both had similar interests and became partners in crime shortly after meeting each other. Just for the sake of salvaging his dignity, let's just say his name is Clint Bobski (those who can tell me the book I took the name from has my permission to get themselves a Twinkie). One of the interests that both me and Clint shared was video games in the 80s. One day, the Bobster decided to reunite himself with an old friend, the NES. Once getting his hands on the 8-bit juggernaut, one of the games he got for it was The Karate Kid.



I'm gonna put the story on pause for a hot second because I know what you're thinking; "There is no way that anyone, under any circumstances, would by The Karate Kid for the NES". You would also think that if there was any justice in this world the clerk who sold him this game would give him some sort of warning of how much of a donkey turd the game he's wanting to buy really is. Well kids, as shocking as it is, it really happened. Now let's continue, shall we?

Once Clint got home, he franticly loads the cartrige of evil into his trusty Nintendo awaiting the game based on one of his favorite childhood movies. What he sees, however, is this....



By the best stroke of luck that I've ever heard or seen, Mr. Bobski ended up with Commando instead! It had The Karate Kid sticker on the cart, but had the programming of Commando inside. The man has no idea how lucky he really was in that situation! Sometimes true stories are the funniest! To this day he still wants to buy The Karate Kid. Will he ever learn?

So after we had a hardy laugh and brought our gaming session to a conclusion, I scope out the local Trading Zone to see if they had Commando; and of course they didn't. They did, however, have The Karate Kid. Clint suggests that I buy The Karate Kid in hopes that I have the same luck as he did. Much to his dismay, I'm not willing to take the risk of having the inconvenience of owning The Karate Kid when I was hoping it would be Commando in disguise. I can only imagine walking back into Trading Zone with the game in hand saying "I wanna return this game because I thought it was gonna be Commando".



Wasn't that fun, kids? Well, the ride's not over yet (except for you, Billy! That's what you get for puking on my shoes!) as we venture off into…………

The Virtual Console Corral!

River City Ransom (NES - 500 points)



Nintendo Says:
River City Ransom takes place in River City, where our heroes, Alex and Ryan, find a letter on Ryan's locker from a guy named Slick. The letter says that Ryan's girlfriend, Cyndi, has been kidnapped, and Slick has taken River City hostage with the help of countless gangs and evil bosses. It's up to our heroes to save poor Cyndi and free River City from the clutches of Slick and his underlings. You can play as Alex and take on the challenge alone or battle with two players simultaneously as Alex and Ryan. Kick and punch to fight your way through gang members, evil bosses and other goons, or use a variety of weapons including a chain whip, brass knuckles and a tire, to name a few. Raise your stats by eating right, and gain new techniques by reading books. With your fighting prowess and never-ending spirit, the bad guys won't know what hit them.

Nintendo MEANS to say:
River City Ransom is what you get when beat-em-up gameplay meets an upgrading system. You walk about the streets, beating up baddies until they "BARF!" and collect cash you can use to buy food and weapons to make yourself stronger.

Hit or Miss: Hit. This game was overlooked when it came out; but those who gave it a chance found a great game ad has been placed on many top 10 lists of NES games! I suggest you pick it up!



Phantasy Star III: Generations of Doom (Sega Genesis - 800 points)



Nintendo says:
As Rhys, the crown prince of the Orakian kingdom of Landen, you are engaged to be married to Maia, a woman from a rival kingdom. But Maia is kidnapped on your wedding day, setting you on a quest filled with twists and turns that will reintroduce you to people and places from previous Phantasy Star games. This epic spans several generations of characters, and your choices will dramatically impact the way the story unfolds, which makes it a great game to play all the way through more than once. In Phantasy Star III, things aren't always what they seem-check it out and watch the mysteries unfold.

Nintendo MEANS to say:
You bought Phantasy Star II, right? Don't you want the sequel?

Hit or Miss: Miss. The word "mediocre" explains this game very well. Mediocre story, ho-hum graphics, typical crappy Sega Genesis music, same old gameplay. Stick with the II, or better yet, play The Legend of Zelda: A link to the Past.


Still waiting on Sub Terrania, Sega!

Am I all alone on this bandwagon?


And that will do it for another edition of The Red Snifit. I'm Chris Scott, and…………DAMN IT! Ozzy just crapped on my wallet!