Working Title 4.24.08: Gaming's Unsolved Mysteries
Posted by Jordan Williams on 04.24.2008
Have a question that just hasn't been answered in the gaming universe? Well I form a one man crack team of investigation FURY to find out the answers.
Welcome back to the #1 Column to think The Hidden Kingdom is an awesome movie, WORKING TITLE. Welcome back to the ranting and raving of one person who spends way too much time ranting and raving about one of the most awkward and least socially acceptable hobbies in the world.
X-treme Knitting.
Also known as Video Games.
Last week we took a serious turn and spoke about hot button issues like racism and EA being run by the devil. I am happy to report that none of that will be happening this week. There will be no discussion or race related issues or conspiracy theories that actually have a logical point. This week we will be focusing on some of gaming's unanswered questions.
Just how do the herbs work in Resident Evil? Why do the Mushroom Kingdom Royal Guards still have a job? Who is this crazy ass guy putting roast chicken and hamburgers inside of steel drums?
I know these questions have plagued you all at some point, and if you are like me and work a boring telemarketing job, you've probably given hours upon hours on end as to why these things happen. Well, I think it's about high time we just got to the bottom of this.
Gaming's Unsolved Mysteries
Case #1: Mushroom Kingdom Guards
Subject : Super Mario Series Question : How the hell do the Mushroom Kingdom Guards fail so hard?
Really. How the hell do they manage to magically not be where the Princess is at all times. You would think after about the second kidnapping that she'd have some elite unit of like Mushroom FBI to follow her around seeing that she's some giant political figure. I mean I know they expect Mario to bust their ass out of the fire every single time, but you're going to sit here and tell me that there's no sort of plan put in place to protect your leader from a 30 foot turtle that you can see coming from a mile away?
No, really. You can. How many other fucking turtles do you know fly a giant balloon with a clown face?
So what ends up happening? Bowser somehow blows through the 'guards' and Princess Peach is kidnapped yet again. Toadsworth flips out and calls on Mario to save the day. What happens to the guards though? Do they get fired?
Answer :The Guards secretly hate Princess Peach.
That has to be the only way. I mean think of it, look how she treats their most notable Mr. Toad? She has used him now on two separate occasions as a shield to deflect deadly attacks. How do the Mushroom People retaliate? They simply turn a blind eye and let Bowser kidnap Peach. Hopefully a few weeks of torture at the hand of an evil turtle will teach the spoiled little bitch to respect her loyal followers. You never hear about Daisy doing shit like that...
Case #2: [Insert 4/20 Joke here]
Subject : Resident Evil Question : How on the hell does a leaf cure a grievous wound?
Imagine this, you are running for you life from a horrible zombie infestation and you turn the corner and WHAMMO. There's an undead spawn of hell gnawing on your arm. You manage to pry the little fucker off but not before he succeeds in taking a chunk of your forearm with him. You are in some serious pain and in fact your walking animation has changed a bit. What do you do?
Why you reach into your pouch and slap a leaf on it. Presto chango! You're healed!
But then you realize that all you did was just ruin a perfectly good leaf and then you proceed to bleed to death. But it works in Resident Evil, right?
Well...just how the hell does that work?
Capcom is definitely NOT a company to try to make sense of, but most of the time with Resident Evil anyway they usually try to cover up any plot holes or anything that really doesn't make a lick of goddamn sense. But when it comes to how exactly the herbs heal in Resident Evil, we always seem to be left in the dark a bit.
I mean they obviously grow everywhere and can be used by just about anyone (except Luis. Despite Leon having like 5 of them Luis doesn't get one.) can use them effectively. They seem to cure everything from gunshot wounds to rended flesh and everything in between. But just how in the hell does that work?
Answer :[Again, insert 4/20 Joke here]
Working Title does not condone the use of any drugs under the 411mania.com Wellness Program...but I think being attacked by a horde of zombies and being in a general hopeless situation is a good time to roll one up and get high as a kite. Don't you? Maybe that little bit of 'herb' doesn't necessarily heal the wounds they have. Maybe it just blocks the pain out of their system and replaces it with the need to feast on human French fries?
Case #3: It's Still Fresh
Subject : Final Fight Question : Where the hell is all of this random food coming from? And why is it there?
Roast Chicken is good. A nice hamburger is good. Now imagine how these would taste if they were prepared inside of a rusty steel drum.
Sounds mighty tasty, doesn't it?
Not only it is apparently a DEE-LISH meal, it also has the magic quality to heal wounds, just like the now infamous 'herbs' from Resident Evil. What is with Capcom and its love for making food heal wounds? I wish that one day I will be able to heal any wound by running to a McDonalds and inhaling a Big Mac and end up magically healed through the wonderful magic of trans-fats.
But we're steering away from the question here. The real question is who the hell is placing all of this food into these random ass places? Is it some deranged chef who really thinks that oil and rust will really bring out the zest in his chicken? Is it some freak accident in which a fat kid keeps playing hide and seek with his food and keeps forgetting where he put it?
Well once again we have investigated this question and we have a completely rational and realistic answer.
Answer :Capcom are a bunch of fat guys that really love food.
It's just that simple. No wonder Capcom has such a big hard on for food, they just love it all to death! This explains why they are always shoving food down our character's mouths. This is why we have all these celebrated fat characters like E. Honda and...E. Honda.
Wait, this theory doesn't make much sense. If Capcom loves food so much how come they don't have anymore tubby bastards?
Oh yeah...it goes all to her hips. I bet those thighs could suffocate a kitten.
Alright, I have a better answer.
Re-Answer :Chun Li's thighs could suffocate a kitten.
That makes much more sense.
Case #4: Why do NPCs say the same line of dialogue over and over?
Subject : RPG Genre Question : Why do NPCs say the same line of dialogue over and over?
Why do NPCs say the same line of dialogue over and over?
Answer : Mike Tyson.
Working Feedback
How this for gaming confessions. Take all your classic video game franchises the ones that everyone and their dog have supposedly played. Like Mega Man, Zelda, Metroid etc...
Games like that... Of these classic supposed must play series, I have never beaten a Legend of Zelda game, or played any LoZ game other than the very first. I've never beaten a Sonic the Hedgehog game until it was recently released on the XBLA, even though I played every version that was ever on the
Genesis. I've never played a Mega Man game.... The only Metroid game I have ever played is the very first one, and never beat that without the Justin Bailey code.
This is made all that much weirder by the fact that over the years, at one point or another I have owned: nes, Genesis, N64, Super Nintendo, N64, PS2, Xbox, Gamecube, and an xbox 360.
With Sonic, I was young, and the lack of a save feature on the Genesis versions of the game really sucked, so I would lose interest. With Zelda and Megaman, I just never had much interest in the franchises. Metroid is one that
I would like to be able to pick up a compilation of. How's that for confessions? Let the hate on the guy who doesn't like Zelda begin. ~ Toddo
Wow. What the hell DO you play, dude? I can see not getting into Metroid and Megaman because they aren't really for everyone. But never beating a Sonic game? Wow.
Don't fret about the Zelda thing, though. I happen to know a lot of people who really don't give two fucks about Zelda. Myself being one of them. There's another unsolved question: What the hell has ZELDA done that's so damn legendary?
Working Question: Working Rumble
So, I've had a little idea here. Every week we can have these wonderful little thought provoking questions we all know and love but starting this week I am holding a small 8 character tournament of unknown and mismatched characters. The latter is in honor of one of the worst gaming mismatches in recent history: MK vs. DC (also known as 10 Years 2 Late). This will happen every other week until we have a new Working Title Champion.
Yep...I'm THAT bored, people.
Round One: Preliminary Match
VS.
Yeah. See what I mean? Until next week my name is Jordan Williams and....Viking: Battle for Asgard is very disappointing!
You should make these "unsolved" mysteries a regular part of the column. A question a column would be good. Very funny!
Posted By: Awesome (Guest) on April 23, 2008 at 11:35 PM
I support the unsolved mysteries for a segment in all of your columns...
But as for the leaves thing, I am going to go out on a limb and try to actually answer this... By using Lord of the Rings as an example...
So... here goes... Frodo got stabbed by a sword, so what does Aragorn do? He and Sam search out to find leaves, and what does he do when they find them? Jam them into the wound! Now what was this to do (besides make Frodo whimper in pain like a little girl)? Slow the spreading of the poison. So this means some leaves have healing properties, but there is more, one can also use a leaf, and some trusty paste type stuff to seal a wound, much like a band-aid...
Or hell, they could just be consuming the leaves, and they could be dusted with a fine coating of cocaine...
Posted By: Travis (Guest) on April 24, 2008 at 12:04 AM
Maybe you should ask yourself why there aren't zombies hanging around?? Possibly because the Resident Evil world is different from our own and supports magic. There you have it; it's a magic leaf.
The real question should be "how the hell in Streets Of Rage does shoving food up your ass heal you?"
Posted By: shdasd (Guest) on April 24, 2008 at 01:21 AM
In regards to the first one, maybe Peach really likes a bit of hot Bowser loving, even while acting all pure and wholesome. So she makes sure her guards are never around, so Bowser can 'kidnap' her yet again, and she can be 'forced' to do 'horrible' things to him.
Posted By: Mathew Sforcina (Registered) on April 24, 2008 at 04:10 AM
I think another one would be the presence of explosive crates, drums etc. that seem to be in most FPSs.
Why the hell would there be explosive drums just sitting there! In a warehouse, isn't that kind of a serious OH&S breach?
Posted By: Patrick Robinson (Registered) on April 24, 2008 at 08:02 AM
Oh and Barret wins, I've hated Birdo ever since Mario Tennis on the N64
Posted By: Patrick Robinson (Registered) on April 24, 2008 at 08:07 AM
Nice column, I have my own mystery though. Why do I care that Officer Tenpenny will frame me for the murder of a police officer in GTA: San Andreas unless I do his evil bidding, when I've killed hundreds of other cops openly and have been arrested and just as quickly released, without charge, for said crimes? And also, how come Alex Kidd's burgers tasted great even when they were underwater?
Posted By: Dr. Oznogrog (Guest) on April 24, 2008 at 10:06 AM
Lol, at the sonic comment. I just wasn't that good at getting the blue bastard to go where I needed him to when I needed him to do it. So I would die alot. And with no save, and only one way that I can recall to earn continues, I lost interest in doing the same levels over and over again. And to answer your question about what type of games I do play... back in the day I was really into fighting games. SF, MK, hell I even owned Rise of the Robots. So fighting games, and beat 'em ups mostly. I've expanded since then, but not much. I still cannot keep interest long enough to beat an RPG.
Posted By: Toddo (Guest) on April 24, 2008 at 01:07 PM
rise of the robots?! damn, that game was turrible. i was a big fan of primal rage,eternal champions, and weapon lord.boosh
Posted By: robotnik (Guest) on April 24, 2008 at 03:31 PM
You've seen the beginning of Mario Galaxy. Her guard hid behind her.
Posted By: Chris (Guest) on April 24, 2008 at 04:06 PM
I've also never beaten a Zelda or Sonic game myself. Never beaten a Castlevania or Metroid game, either.
Here's some more unsolved mysteries.
1.) Why is there a self-destruct brick in the mansion in Maniac Mansion. I know the zombies want to take over Earth, but what exactly is in that mansion that is SO important that they would rather blow the mansion up than let it into human hands?
2.) What exactly are in those jellybeans that the Blob eats to turn into things in "A Boy and His Blob?"
3)Just what exactly does Princess Peach see in Mario? I know he's saved her counteless times, but you would think a cute princess could do better than a fat plumber.
Posted By: JLAJRC (Guest) on April 24, 2008 at 04:11 PM
Rise of the Robots was horrible, but you must admit in the pictures and everything leading up to it, it looked pretty damn swank. PS, I am all for the unsolved mysteries becoming a weekly feature.
Posted By: Toddo (Guest) on April 24, 2008 at 05:31 PM
I truly agree with about the Mushroom Guards protect. Shit, if they were on their game, I wouln't have had hell trying to beat Super Mario Bros. 3 on NES when I was 9.
Posted By: swiftychampleone (Guest) on April 24, 2008 at 10:43 PM
BIRDO WINS!
Posted By: Matt P (Guest) on April 25, 2008 at 02:53 AM
How come in Final Fantasy VII when Sephiroth kills Aeris you can't just revive her with a pheonix down? Does death, final death, only apply to cutscenes? Also did anyone ever play Tunnel B-1 on the Playstation 1? That game holds more mystery than any other!
Posted By: Dr. Oznogrog (Guest) on April 25, 2008 at 10:47 AM
Barret wins.
And Phoenix Downs are for unconcious/incapacitated people. Aeris is dead.
...I guess >_>
Posted By: Luke S (Guest) on April 25, 2008 at 05:22 PM
Where do people in shooters and rpgs keep all their shit?
Posted By: Barbecued Ribs (Guest) on April 27, 2008 at 06:05 PM
Why do RPG games have such spells like DOOM, X-DEATH, DEATH ROULETTE or similarly named spells that instantly kill an enemy, but doesn't work when you REALLY need it, like in BOSS BATTLES?! Even worse, the spells only works on enemies that you really don't need it for!
...and Birdo.
Posted By: Phil watts, jr. (Guest) on April 27, 2008 at 07:51 PM
Answer: Bcuz Mari0 is teh HAWTNESS!!!
Posted By: Toolbrain (Guest) on April 27, 2008 at 11:02 PM
Best thing I've ever read here, -not sarcasm-
Posted By: Drum Solo (Guest) on April 28, 2008 at 12:40 PM
Ok to further my question, Pheonix Downs are for the incapacitated/unconscious, ok. But how come an attack from Ruby or Emerald Weapon or any other badass in the game leaves you "Unconcious" whereas one big stab from Sephiroth kills her, I mean someone cast Cure3 on her already, she's not even dead! They let her fall and cough for a bit all standing around with their fingers in their asses, throw a potion on the woman for God's sake! ;-)
Posted By: Dr. Oznogrog (Guest) on April 28, 2008 at 03:38 PM
VS. 
