The Hall of Shame 05.08.08: Dishonorable Mentions II

Posted by Vincent Chiucchi on 05.08.2008

Three games with concepts too absurd to be thought as good.

This week is another "Dishonorable Mentions" type Hall of Shame, where I induct those that aren't really so bad they need a whole induction, but deserve some kind of mention. The three games we'll be looking at are games where the concept behind them was just so absurd I can't believe somebody really, honestly thought gamers would buy them. Actually, I think two of them expected to make money, and one felt like it would be a great way to humiliate employees for the horrible job they've done.

Darkened Skye


You will not believe what she's holding in her hand.

Say you've got an adventure game that's pretty generic. All the elements of the typical adventure game are in it, but it needs that special something in order to capture people's attention. Perhaps some kind of special magic system that hasn't been seen in a video game before? Okay, let's go with the special magic system. Now, how exactly can we make this magic system special? According to publishers Simon & Schuster Interactive, the answer to that question is...



Base it on Skittles candy.



That's right. Out of all the possibilities they can come up with, they chose CANDY! Since it's based on an existing brand, that would mean they would have to get the license to use Skittles in their game, and I can't understand why they would go through the trouble of trying to get the Skittles license unless this was actually an advergame (like those Burger King games) and they disguised it as an adventure game just to trick people. I mean, the plot of the game is that the "Great Rainbow" has disappeared, and it's up to the heroine Skye (75% of her name spells Skittles) to collect the magical Skittles to bring that rainbow back. This is sounding less like a video game and more like a really bad Saturday Morning Cartoon.

But despite having one of the stupidest concepts for a magic system, the game itself actually wasn't that bad. The gameplay itself is average, but it also contains humor in which the characters will break the fourth wall and usually make fun of the game itself for being a generic adventure game and having the Skittles license in the first place. The GameRankings average for Darkened Skye is 63%, which is higher then Lair, Sonic 2K6, and only slightly less then Manhunt 2. Think about it: Manhunt 2, which has received an insane amount of news coverage because of it's original AO rating and people complaining about how badly the game got crippled because the extreme violence was censored turned out to only be slightly better then a game based on SUGARY FRUIT FLAVORED CANDY!

You know what I think could've made the game better? If it had people falling to their deaths because they don't believe the rainbow is real. I love that commercial.

Rubik's Cube


Hubie is my new favorite video game character.

There are some times where I go into a toy store and I see the Rubik's Cube for sale, and looking at it I have an urge to buy it. But then I remember that it'll likely be a gargled mess that will be impossible to solve without the removal and re-applying of those stickers, so I decide not to get one instead. It also doesn't help that these days those things run for about $10, because for a Rubik's Cube, I think that's just too much money. So if $10 is too expensive, imagine deciding to pay $30 for one. No, it isn't some kind of autographed or super rare version of it, but rather a cartridge for your Atari 2600.

At first the game was simply called "Atari Video Cube" as a knockoff of the product, but with the popularity of the actual cube they changed the name and sold it off as a different product. The only major change from this compared to the toy version is that you control Hubie the Cube Master to switch the colors, only he can't touch a color that matches him. You also have a time limit and sometimes a limited amount of moves. That's pretty much all the info I can gather about the gameplay. What I also found however was the instruction manual that came with this game, and it is so amazingly awful I just had to share it:

Welcome to the cubical world of Hubie the Cube Master. Hubie can solve the ATARI VIDEO CUBE puzzle in seconds flat, 33.7 seconds, to be exact. That's fast, but then, he's had a lot of practice. You see, puzzles are Hubie's specialty.

Hubie wasn't always a Cube Master, in fact he used to live a pretty ordinary life. Every morning he made his breakfast, fed his dog Ralph, and went to work. He did have a peculiar habit, though. Hubie loved everything that had to do with squares or angles. For instance, he was always sure to eat three square meals a day, waffles for breakfast, ravioli for lunch, and cube steaks for dinner. Hubie slept in a perfectly square bed. Every day he swam laps in a square swimming pool. And each morning, as he walked to work, Hubie was sure to count the squares in the sidewalk beneath his feet.

People called Hubie a blockhead, but when they did, he always had an answer. Looking them squarely in the eyes, Hubie would shout, "Squares are important! Try playing checkers on a round checkerboard. Or try using ice balls instead of ice cubes in your drinks. Can you imagine going to New York to visit Madison Round Garden? It's just not the same. It wouldn't work!" And with that, he would square his shoulders and walk off.

Yes, Hubie certainly had a checkered past. But that was before the big change in his life. One day, while square dancing in his favorite restaurant (the one with the checkered tablecloths), someone gave Hubie a puzzle, a cube puzzle. He played it day and night, twisting and turning it to move the colors to the proper sides. Soon, he started to see cubes and squares everywhere, on the walls of his house, inside Ralph's square water dish, and even in the mirror while brushing his teeth.

Something very strange was happening to Hubie. One morning, instead of being in his square bed, he found himself on a strange flat surface. He saw immediately that everything around him was square, he was in an entirely square world! This transformation was a mystery, but Hubie didn't really care. He was...Hubie the Cube Master!

Hubie knew his mission in life was to teach cubists and future cubists the best ways to play the magical cube puzzle. He promised himself that he would learn how to solve the magical cube faster than anyone else in the world. He invites you to help him with his pledge, can you solve the cube faster than Hubie? Try it and see!

That last part about finding himself on a flat surface and suddenly the whole world is square makes me think that "cube puzzle" was actually marijuana. Considering many Atari employees used to smoke that a lot in the 70's, I wouldn't be surprised if that was true.

Oh, and these days because the game is so rare, it costs around $40-$50. Still too expensive it my opinion.
Don't Buy This


Does this look like a game you would want to buy? Firebird didn't think so.

Ever since Abbie Hoffman wrote a book called "Steal This Book" (a book that teaches you all sorts of illegal stuff), other people apparently found it funny to put "Steal This" in front of their product. For example, System of a Down came out with an album called "Steal This Album", and it's likely these days that their fans did steal their album buy downloading it through a torrent. People who come with names like that are either trying to be funny, ironic, or stupid. When it comes to "Don't Buy This," a collection of games from Firebird, I'm thinking they were trying to be funny because they thought the people who made the games were stupid, and to be ironic released the game instead of just canceling the games and firing them.

"Don't Buy This" was a compilation of 5 games for the ZX Spectrum, a PC from the UK that was extremely popular in the 80's and had major competition with the Commodore 64. The 5 games on the cassette (remember when computers used cassettes? If so, how old are you?!) were Fido 1, Fido 2: Puppy Power, Race Ace, Fruit Machine, and Weasel Willy. According to Firebird, they were the worst games they have ever received from other developers and sold the game for £2.50 (about $5 if that was today's standards).

Race Ace is a racing game where once you take the lead, you win. If you hit other cars or slide off the road, nothing happens and you just keep going. So basically, it's Big Rigs only with even lesser graphics. Both Fido games are like whack-a-mole, only you have to duck birds by standing (because apparently sitting to whack moles makes him bigger) and sometimes replenish health by eating from his dog bowl. Then sometimes he'll die for no reason. Weasel Willy is a shit version of Snake, and Fruit Machine is just slots. The game of course got terrible reviews and Sinclair User magazine called it ""five of the most uninspired games ever to disgrace the Spectrum". Firebird couldn't be more happier with those remarks.

There's likely many more games with just as absurd (or even worse) concepts, but that will be for another time.