The Hall of Shame 05.22.08: Captain Novolin

Posted by Vincent Chiucchi on 05.22.2008

Before Wilford Brimley warned us about diabetes, there was Captain Novolin, quite possibly the worst superhero in the history of mankind.

It's a shame that too many people see video games as a catalyst for violence and nudity. They see one sex mod from Grand Theft Auto and suddenly video games are the root of all evil. What these people don't realize is that there's more to video game then senseless violence. There are actually some video games that can be very educational to children. Unfortunately these educational games don't get mentioned very often, and I have a theory as to why: They suck so bad that we're ashamed to even admit they exist. I came up with this theory after playing an hour or so of Captain Novolin, the latest game to be inducted into the Hall of Shame.



Before the game even begins, you're able to set the language to either English, Spanish, or French. That's actually a pretty neat feature that I'd like to see more of in video games, especially popular import titles. After choosing your language, it asks to input a three-digit code the doctor said is best for you. Since I don't have diabetes and my doctor likely does not know anything about this game, I have no clue what the hell this is supposed to be. I figured this was some kind of password and I could find the answers online, but neither GameFAQs nor Wikipedia had any answers. I probably could find out by entering all 999 different combinations, but I'm in the middle of finals week and don't have time to waste with crappy edutainment games, so I enter 000 and move on.

The story is that some guy named Blubberman, who I'm surprised hasn't been made into a Mega Man enemy yet, and his cohort of aliens have invaded the city of Pineville, disguised as sugary junk food. They have captured the diabetic Mayor Gooden, who only has enough diabetic supplies to last 48 hours. It's up to Captain Novolin to save the day...

But first Novolin has to remember the advice he got from his freaky looking doctor.


Shutter...

This results into a mini-game, only there's no game to it. You just match two colors and then Novolin sets on his way...

To take more advice from his doctor. He now must inject himself with insulin, in which all you really do is press down, then A. Then we get more advice from another doctor who isn't as ugly as the last one and we finally get to play the actual game!

Then about twenty minutes later I want to stop playing it. Captain Novolin apparently went to the "Action 52 School of Jumping", because he's so damn terrible at it. Jumping while standing still is no problem and he can move in the air, but if you decide to jump while running, he does a somersault that actually makes the jump worse. This really becomes annoying when you've got to get past the Cookies, because those assholes will decide to jump EXACTLY when you decide to jump. Sometimes you'll get hit even though it looked like they didn't even touch you. Getting over them takes some precise timing, and man, if I had diabetes, I'd like to think a game that's trying to educate me about my disease wouldn't be so damn cruel. When I was a little kid I had a Sesame Street game that taught me math, and from I recall it wasn't so difficult for me to get through. In fact, I think any of those Sesame Street characters could do a better job of rescuing the major of Pineville then the guy who can only hop and needs to take insulin before every damn level to fight crime. Hell, Cookie Monster could probably save the mayor in less time then it takes to watch an entire episode of Sesame Street.

After looking this game up on Wikipedia, it turns out he can actually stomp on enemies by pressing down while in the air, but this really doesn't help at all and he should've been able to stomp on them without me having to press the damn down button! Even Bubsy didn't need me to press the down button to hit enemies while jumping over them. Does diabetes somehow cause Captain Novolin to not stomp as well as other heroes who don't have diseases? If so, then I apologize. But then again, if that was the case he shouldn't be risking his life trying to fight off Cookies, Sodas, and Booze, so screw him.

Yes, in Level 2 you fight enemies disguised as Booze.

And now we come to the part that pissed me off so much that I just wanted to stop playing this game and just write "This game sucks" about a hundred times and call it a day. See, it turns out that even though there are healthy foods you need to eat, eating too much of it will actually kill you.



Are you freaking kidding me?! Imagine if in Super Mario World, Mario would suddenly lose a life if you gathered too many mushrooms. What's really stupid about this is that it happens right when you think you cleared the stage, as if Ashton Kutcher is secretly running this game and is just waiting to shout "PUNK'D!" on your unsuspecting self. So there I am reaching the halfway point of the stage when suddenly I die. I thought it was some kind of glitch until I saw that screenshot above. So not only do you have to avoid the cheap enemies, you have to make sure you don't pick up too much food.

So seriously, what the hell is so super about Captain Novolin? He doesn't even have any superpowers. When a superhero doesn't have any special powers, he better have some other ability to make up for it. Batman is basically a super smart high-tech ninja, The Punisher is a one-man army, and Iron Man is...well, go watch the movie. Captain Novolin has NOTHING! The dude can't hit anything made out of sugar unless he breaks the law of gravity when jumping in the air and eating too much of the food that's supposed to help him winds up killing him instead. I can understand superheroes having weaknesses, but one of his weaknesses comes from eating the foods that are supposed to keep him alive long enough to reach the end of the damn stage. That would be like if Aquaman's weakness was water, or if the Flash's weakness was going too fast. Henceforth, I officially declare Captain Novolin as the worst superhero ever.

Here are the other list of annoyances I have with this game:

-When you reach the checkpoint, Novolin stops as the hours fast forward to the next meal of the day. Hey Novolin, you have a disease ridden mayor to save! Should you really be standing still calculating my total points when he could die from the sweet tasting wrath of Blubberman?!

-The music and sound effects are so awful I had to mute the game.

-The aliens don't really do anything except bounce around and walk. So basically, they're like Goombas except you die when touching them above their head unless you press the freaking down arrow.

-The only educational part about the game is the questions and facts that appear in the level, but considering the gameplay is so bad you're probably going to wind up with only a handful of facts. And I have immediately forgotten those facts because I was too busy trying to ram my head into a wall Manfred von Karma style in order to make me forget I ever played this game.

Since I really didn't have the patience to go through the eight levels (of hell) in this game, I decided to find a video to check out the final level. It's basically the same as the first one only sometimes the floor has small electric things you're not supposed to touch. The enemies are the exact same ones as well. Eventually when you reach the end you come across the boss himself.


Quick Novolin, use the Spark Shot!

Behold Blubberman, a fat bold guy in his metal underwear. That guy is just about as ugly as Novolin's doctor. Anyway, you defeat him by jumping up and down on that switch while avoiding his pies of DOOOOM. The switch will send electricity at Blubberman, and after four or so hits he's defeated. All it takes is four hits from jumping up and down on a switch to kill him?! Even Elmo could've done that! Afterwards you find the mayor and you're questioned on what you should do since is blood sugar is so low. Guess right and the game ends. I don't know what happens if you guess wrong, but based on earlier questions in the game, getting something wrong does absolutely nothing, so I'm pretty sure you skip to the ending anyways. Novolin gets the key to the city and you go back to the title screen. The End.

With this game trying to be educational and being really horrible to play, I figured this just was some game that kids got from their doctors or something. But it turns out the game was retailed in stores for $60. SIXTY FREAKING DOLLARS! Perhaps that was Captain Novolin's true superpower: Ripping People Off.

I need something to cheer myself up. Take it away Wilford!