Working Title 6.05.08: Rant Omnibus II

Posted by Jordan Williams on 06.05.2008

Guess who's back? You'd think after a month off I'd have some idea of what to write about. You'd be dead wrong if you thought that. Is the new Street Fighter movie going to be THAT bad? Does the voice of Niko Bellic have a reason to get all cranky? Why the hell is Zelda so legendary? Let's find out.

Once upon a time there was a column...it was a column about the world of video gaming.

Well, actually...the column wasn't really about anything. It was really nothing more than a bunch of loosely compiled rants and ravings of some internet douchebag who had too much time on his hands and way too much to say.

The name of the column was Working Title.

It was the #1 Column of....well...it was the #1 Column of a lot of things...but right now...

IT'S THE #1 COLUMN TO RETURN FROM THE DEAD, WORKING. MOTHERFUCKING. TITLE.

Yep, all six of you read correctly. I am officially back in the motherfucking building to drop a bit of random rambling onto your Thursdays. Sorry for the extended hiatus but once in awhile real life happens when you least expect it and you HAVE to handle it right away. But like I said that little problem is now officially put to fucking rest and now I can devote time back to this little ditty right here.

And what better way to bring the WT back than to do a second RANT OMNIBUS.


Rant Omnibus 2: The Revenge of Michael Hollick


Dude, quitcherbitchin.

I'm sure we've all heard by now that the voice of the newest GTA 'hero' Michael Hollick has thrown a bit of a tift about the check he was cut from Rockstar for his work as the voice and motion of Niko Bellic. A lot of parts of the internet have sounded off on this subject and now I'll go ahead and say my two cents.

Boo. Fuckin'. Hoo.

Sure, he got a piece of the dick pie by now being able to cash in more on the gazillion dollar payday that Rockstar is currently bathing in, but he did walk away with 100k for his services, and he should've gotten a bit more but Mr. Hollick forgot that in this day and age, contracts mean EVERYTHING.

I refuse to believe that at no point during his year of work that he didn't suspect that this game he was working on was going to break the bank, why didn't he say anything then if not before he put his name on the dotted line? Seriously. Did he just think a GRAND THEFT AUTO game was just going to flop?

I don't think Hollick has anyone else here to blame but himself. A lot of people online have sympathized with him saying that Rockstar should relent and give him some more money on the same level that a Hollywood actor should get more for contributing voice work.

Buuuullllshit.

How many times has a voice actor sold you in a video game? Can you honestly say that you picked up the latest Mario game because of Charles Martinet?

Do you even know who Charles Martinet is? Exactly.

Despite how much voice acting has changed the realm of video games today, it's still a pretty minor part of it. If I put in 15 months of work and all I had to show for it was a cool 100,000 dollars. I'd be pretty damned satisfied, however if I had known ahead of time that what I was working on had the potential to surpass my salary tenfold then I would've definitely made sure I was getting in on some of that bank.

Too bad, so sad. Chill out with your giant ass paycheck and hope that someone else picks you up to do something in the future and that you and your agent know the details of everything before you sign the contact.

Also, just to make sure I shatter everyone's view of Niko.



Can you imagine this guy as a cold hearted eastern European killer? He looks like a David Hasslehoff impersonator.


A movie about a chick whose thighs can suffocate kittens...Mmm..

So, remember when everyone said all video game movies were horrible? Well...they are almost right. It's no secret that there is a new Street Fighter movie in the works. I'm sure a lot of small children have wept over the casting and a lot of neck bearded fanboys have posted some pretty angry blog posts about it. But is it REALLY all that bad?

Let's look at all of the main points of rabid fanboy bitchiness.

Casting

Kristen Kruek as Chun-Li, Taboo as Vega, and Michael Clarke Duncan as Balrog

Plot

Watch as Chun-Li hunts down M. Bison and becomes the badass bitch we know and love today.

The fact that after the abomination that was the original movie, they DARE try it again

Yeah...

So, Kristen Kruek also known as the chick from Smallville was chosen to play Chun-Li in this film and the hate just started flowing. One of the more common lines I've seen is "They couldn't get anyone Chinese to play Chun-Li?"

NO YOU FUCKING SHITSTICKS, THEY COULDN'T.

I'm not defending this atrocious casting by any means, but seriously. They are making it sound like Chinese actresses just grow on trees. In a perfect world we would have a Chinese actress cryogenically frozen for the sole purpose of playing Chun-Li in what looks like to be a box office bomb the size of Speed Racer, but we don't live in a perfect world. We live in a world where Zyang Zhi and Li Bing Bing actually have common sense and decide to CHOOSE THIER ROLES WISELY.

Outside of Chun-Li, though. I think the rest of the casting is pretty alright, even Mr. Taboo was Vega. Sure, there are two big additions missing in the form of Ken and Ryu but I'm SURE the people who care enough to complain about this know that since the movie is focusing on Chun-Li that Chun-Li spent most of her early life a long way away from Ken and Ryu canonically and during the Alpha series primarily teamed up with Charlie Nash in her hunt for Bison. Therefore sadly Ken and Ryu just aren't needed here.


It's actually not THAT bad when you think about it...

This leads us to the plot. The movie will (obviously) focus on Chun-Li during her quest to avenge M. Bison for killin' her dear old pa. Surprisingly this plot actually makes a lot of sense and I really don't have a problem with it. What I do have a problem with is one again the boo-birds are coming out in droves screaming that Ken and Ryu are the main characters of the series and thus should have a movie. They did, ya puds, it was called Street Fighter II: The Animated movie. You know the GOOD one that focused on the four main characters of the series (Ken, Ryu, Guile, and Chun-Li).

The fact that they want to make ANOTHER movie despite how badly the first one took is a bit of a kick in the nuts, though. I'm sure this just screams of them trying to get the Street Fighter name back into the world's head as they gear up to release Street Fighter IV to the masses, but I have a feeling that this movie AND the game will leave a sour taste in all of our mouths.


OH. I GET IT. HAHAHAHAHA-no

If anyone has read my thoughts of Rockstar's brand of 'humor' before. You'll know that I'm not exactly a big fan of it. Now that I've been playing GTAIV for a month it's happening all over again.

Rockstar is just beating me over the head with lame jokes.

Now, I like stupid humor as much as any man. I've paid good money to see some of the worst movies in the last two decades in theatres on opening night, but there's just something about Rockstar's humor that just really pisses me off. It's not even real humor if you sit there and lay out every single joke for someone. It's not even good PARODY.

One good example is the radio commercial you hear in the game about "The Science of Crime", GTA's take on CSI and NCIS. Now I do agree that these shows have A LOT to be joked on about, but where is the humor when the commercial just consists of the announcer and the actors pretty much just telling you the joke?

"It's scientifically BORING"

"Watch the show that has spawned tons of half-assed spin offs [insert huge list of CSI spin-offs]"

"I'm a shitty actor with sunglasses!"

Who's the writer that actually thinks most of that stuff is funny? And don't get me started on how Rockstar can just never have a company or a brand name actually is something smart. I'll give them props on GetaLife and Statue of Happiness, but then they turn around and do dick and fart jokes like BAWSAQ and Tw@. For a game that is always lauded as being oh-so-serious and such a mature game, they really do love to throw in some jokes that you'd expect to hear from a 4th grader. Now maybe I might just be a douche who can't take a joke, but after four games the same old lame ass humor I think anyone would get a little annoyed.



The game paints a BEAUTIFUL picture of the so-called "American Dream" from the eyes of a criminal, with some pretty deep choices and heavy story, but it's really hard to take seriously when you're cell phone provider is called "Whiz" the hottest game in the world at the time is called "Loot and Wank III" and damn near every single thing with a number in it always ends up being 69.

C'mon, Rockstar. You can do better.


Working Demo

Remember a while back when I did little short reviews about demos I downloaded from Xbox Live? Well it's that time again because during my hiatus I had a lot of time to catch up on some game playing and demo testing. Makes ya kind of wish that that whole digital distribution thing really does take off at some point...

The Bourne Conspiracy
I have something to admit. I never watched a single 'Bourne' film. Not the first one, nor the second, nor the third. I have honestly no fucking idea what the series is about let alone why everyone likes it. The game, on the other hand, so far looks to be pretty good.

You get three levels the choose from, each one giving you a pretty good feel for the game as well as letting you (supposedly) relive moments from the movies, which I am sure fans of them will love. Having never seen the movies before I can say that the "Escape the Embassy" level is a fucking thrill. I like the idea that Bourne seems to be a goddamn whirlwind of fists and kicks. The hand-to-hand fights are pretty fast and well animated, although the gunplay seems a bit boring. I might rent this one and check it out. ***

Crash Time
I downloaded this on a whim and I still cry about it. I was expecting some sort of Burnout-styled game and what I got looks and plays like freeware. Seriously, the fact that companies release games like this in this day and age makes me really wonder how hard it must be to get a job making games. The music sucks, the driving sucks, and just about everything about this demo screams "Don't buy me. I'm what shattered dreams are made of" I hope this is DLC and not a full release. *

Dragon Ball Z: Burst Limit
Now I am not very keen on DBZ games. DBZ was something that my entire universe revolved around in back in middle school, but outside of Hyper Dimension for the SNES, I never really cared about the DBZ fighting games. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about this one but I will say that the graphics are fucking NICE. We've finally hit that point where we can take off the rose tinted glasses and actually say this DOES look like the cartoon. I wish more cel-shading could turn out this smooth. ***

A real Working Question will return next week. However that little tournament I started before I took my leave won't. Some things are just better off dead...however that does mean that Birdo is the official Working Title mascot...by default.

Gaming's Unsolved Mysteries/Working Question

Case #5: She Is Legend
Question: Why is Zelda so legendary?

One of the most loved game franchises of all time is the Legend of Zelda series. The series follows its hero Link as he fights against various evils to save Zelda in various bad situations. Link always has his trusty Master Sword and other items to aid him on his qu--...

Ever noticed that these games always tend to be about Link saving Zelda? It seems to me that Link is the real star of this show. So why in the FUCK is it called The Legend of Zelda? What the hell has this bitch done besides cross-dress and get kidnapped?

I racked my brain trying to find an answer for this, but I came up with nothing. Maybe some of you out there know what in the hell this chick does to become so legendary? If you do...let me know.

Well, that was painless. I might need to settle back into this 'writing' thing, but it looks like I'm still doing well.

Until next time, I'm Jordan Williams...and NO Working Title will NEVER have a name. EVER.