The Hall of Shame 07.02.08: Home Improvement

Posted by Vincent Chiucchi on 07.02.2008

On this week's episode of The Hall of Shame, Vincent plays a game based on a popular sitcom...with DINOSAURS! Can he survive playing a crappy game? Tune in to find out!

Does everybody know what time it is? SHAME TIME! This week, we'll be inducting a video game based off a 90's sitcom. That's right, a video game based on a sitcom. There have been many stupid ideas for what to base video games on, and a sitcom just has to rank somewhere at the top. Why would a company make a game based on a popular sitcom? Simply put, because they want...

MORE MONEY!

And what better way to make money then to cash in one of the most popular sitcoms of the 90's, Home Improvement? Well, actually, there are a lot of better ways, but for arguments sake let's just go with the sitcom theory. Unfortunately for the developers, Absolute Entertainment, Home Improvement turned out to be one of the worst video games ever created and help lead the company to a quick demise afterwards.

After playing this game for myself, I couldn't wish for a better punishment.


Someone made a game based on this? HEH?!

Notice how the starting screen doesn't say the words "Press Start" or have any options in the game? I think this would be the moment where you can tell this game was going to really suck. Unless you feel like listening to the Home Improvement theme, pressing start will take you right to the story where Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor is being honored by the Binford tool company by having his name on their latest line of power tools. Only problem is somebody has stolen the tools, leaving a note saying Tim should go back to the stone age where he used to be funny and not put out really shitty movies like Christmas with the Kranks and Zoom. With the tools now missing, Tim goes out to search for them in through several Hollywood sets, the first being one where he fights dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs? HEH?!

As for what else he fights, I have absolutely no idea. I've tried many times to get pass the first world and check out the other ridiculous crap Tim has to fight, but because the controls are so awful I never can. In fact, I only beat the very first stage of the game, so excuse me if this column is lacking information. According to Wikipedia he also fights acid-spewing mummies and robot sentries, so basically this game just makes less sense...actually, that's impossible, because this game doesn't make any sense in the first place.

Ever since I played Action 52, I thought there couldn't be a game that had even worse controls then that $200 piece of shit. But after playing Home Improvement, I think we have a new champion in bad controls. What exactly are the controls? I have absolutely no idea.

I'm serious. Just when I think I know all the controls in the game, I discover something brand new, so who knows just what this game is hiding. Personally, I don't think you should say a game is bad based on whether or not you know the controls, because if the game doesn't tell you, the instruction manual surely would right? But guess what...

THERE WAS NO INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR THIS GAME!

HEH?!

Apparently when you bought the game it came with a note that said "Real Men Don't Need Instructions." But here's the problem: Real men would be smart enough to not waste their money on a licensed game based on a sitcom when there's hundreds of better games you can buy for the Super Nintendo. This was likely to be played by kids or maybe die hard older fans of the show, and not giving them the instructions they need to play would be a kick in the ass. Plus if I had a set of actual power tools, I'd sure as hell would love to have some kind of instructions come with it. I'd rather be a smart man then a "real" man.

Besides, if you want to prove how much of a real man you are, go play games that are beyond hard like Ninja Gaiden or Trauma Center. If you can make those games you're bitch, then you truly are a real man. Or at least a very good gamer.

Anyway, here is to the best of my knowledge the controls for Home Improvement

Y Button - Run
X Button - Tools
B Button - Jump
A Button - Weapon
L/R Button - Aim Diagonally
Start Button - Pause

Quite frankly, the control layout sucks. Having the B button used for jumping wouldn't be so bad if the Y button above it was used for attacking, but no, it's for running, and I had to play the game several times before I realized that Y was running. The Tools you use depend on what direction you also press. Pressing Y while standing still or going forward is a sledgehammer that's just about useless, holding down and Y is a jackhammer that's needed to deal with the very annoying ants, and holding up and Y is a grappling hook or something. Your weapon depends on what you pick up, such as a nail gun, dynamite, or chainsaws that shoot energy waves. Yes, the chainsaw shoots waves of energy for some reason. If you grab a different weapon then what you have, you switch to that weapon automatically and can't go back to what you had. Now, Tim is somehow carrying multiple tools around BUT he can't carry multiple weapons? HEH?! Maybe the instruction manual can explain...oh that's right, there is none! It doesn't really matter what you have though, because all of the weapons suck for this game.

But the biggest annoyance I have with this game are the hills. If you walk on a hill going downward, and you'll be doing LOTS of that in this game, you will just keep moving until you reach the bottom. Not even trying to go back in the opposite direction can stop you, you'll just keep on sliding unless you press the jump button. Now, imagine having to fight an enemy locating above you, and you're trying to stand in the right position to shoot at them, only because Tim can't keep still you have to fidget with the D-Pad repeatedly and while you're doing all this the enemy is shooting bullets that constantly hitting you because they're too small to deflect. THIS IS WHY I CAN'T GET PAST STAGE 2! I'm going to need help on this one...


Hey Wilson, you got any advice for me on how to get past Stage 2?

Well maybe there some hints in the instruction manual.

But there wasn't any instruction manual.

Oh. Well you could also find a walkthrough on GameFAQs.

But there isn't any walkthrough on that site either.

Not even some game genie codes?

Wilson, the game came with a note saying "Real men don't need instructions." I doubt they would bother putting in cheat codes.

Hmm. Well, you could always strangle yourself with the controller until you pass out.

How's that supposed to help me get past Stage 2?

Because you'll realize that strangling yourself is actually more fun then playing that crappy game.

You know, I think that would help a lot. Thanks Wilson!


Does that look like a wall you can walk through?

The graphics are also a mess. Too many times I go through walls I find out aren't actually walls at all (HEH?!), and had I known they weren't actually walls, I could've saved a lot more time and a lot more of my lives. Now, I can understand having fake walls in a couple places when they lead to special power ups, but having them all over the place to throw me off on where exactly I can go is NOT FUN!

Aside from the controls, everything else sucks too. The music and sound effects are lame, sometimes items will appear where you can't reach them and disappear right away anyway, some enemies are way too hard to hit, and when you die you go back to the studio audience and get asked if you want to continue, and if you say no the game just takes you back to the title screen where you can't change anything anyway, so what's the damn point of asking?!

That's all I can really say about the game, so let's talk about the man you play as. Tim Taylor, despite being nicknamed the tool man, is obviously a complete idiot. How this man has been able to do the series Tool Time for many years without having one of his limbs cut off or even dying is a miracle. I mean it's obvious that his "assistant" Al Borland should've been the main hero of this game. I guarantee you that if he was, all the control problems would be fixed and he'd have those tools back in ten minutes. The only reason I can think of for Tim keeping his job on that show is because he is nothing more then Binford Tools' whore. I mean the show starts off with the Tool Time Girl saying "Binford Tools is proud to present Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor!" Tool Time was obviously nothing more then a glorified commercial for whatever tool Tim decides he wants to screw up next! Yet ironically, for a show about shilling tools, Tim quits the show when he himself does not want to become a tool for the show being a Springer-type show.

Screw Tim Taylor, screw Absolute Entertainment for making this god awful game, and screw the entire show!

Note: If anybody was offended by this induction, please send a letter to the following address:

Vincent Chiucchi
c/o Hall of Shame
P.O. Box 32733
Detroit, MI 48252