Nintendophiles 09.10.08

Posted by Mark Salmela on 09.10.2008

Welcome… to Biiyond… THE NINTENDOPHILES!


Sure, it's a terrible banner *it doesn't even fit the size requirements*, but it makes the actual column look better by comparison!



You know what really sucks? Attending 8 hours of college classes, and then as you finally return to your house to take a relaxing nap, you get an e-mail from Drew Robbins letting you know he can't write Nintendophiles. I mean don't you just hate that? Yeah, you've all been there *except David R., he would never stoop so low as to write Nintendophiles*.

But I kid everyone. It's a pleasure being the resident 411 games substitute teacher, and this is the next step in my goal to have written an edition of every console specific news column *and with Joe Roche's attendance record, it shouldn't be hard to complete the full circle *PUN, plus 10 ownage*, just kidding Joe*. But anyways I currently own a DS and a Wii, which apparently makes me more than qualified to write Nintendophiles. So sit back, relax, and let me do what I do best.



Biiyond the News of the Week~!

Nintendo announces new Wi-Fi adapter for Wii



You think Nintendo has the balls to call it a Wii-Fi adapter? Oh well, at least I'm amusing myself. Anyways Nintendo has recently announced a new Wi-Fi adapter for those who are having problems connection to the internet on their Wii's. The new adapter will allow users to search for their own connection, whether it be via a router, a bridge, or an auto function that will search for them. While I've never had problems connecting my Wii online I assume that there's someone out there *probably your Mom* who's having trouble connecting to the internet while trying to play Manhunt 2 online. Come on, you know Manhunt 2 would have been a must buy if the Wii version had online, especially if it was populated by 40 year old soccer moms. The device will retail for approximately $50 and will hit Japan on September 18, with a US release date to be determined. Once again it's a Wi-Fi adapter, so there's not a whole lot for me to talk about that doesn't involve 40 year old soccer moms stabbing people with broken glass.

Credit: Nintendo


Animal Crossing: City Folk to retail for $69.99 with WiiSpeak



Isn't it amazing how Nintendo can generate buzz these days by not releasing the actual release date of a game, but rather its price point? While we still don't know when Animal Crossing: City Folk will be released, we at least know now that it will be bundled in with WiiSpeak and will retail for $70, which is pretty good considering it includes what Nintendo considers the most innovative concept ever, voice chat in a video game. But I need to stop giving Nintendo crap, as I'm a huge fan of Animal Crossing, and it's about time Nintendo finally gave us a head-set *and believe me, at this point I'm willing to call this thing a head-set*. I guess the only thing that I have left to complain about is the lack of innovation in City Folk, as let's be honest, this will be the third time they've released the same game N64 game with minor tweaks now in America, and this will be the third time we all fall for it. And hey, at least it doesn't force us to use our Mii's *that would have actually been a deal breaker for me*.

Credit: Nintendo


Tecmo and Koei sitting in a tree…



We all know you just finished the rest of that song. Don't worry; you have nothing to be embarrassed about, unless you specifically thought of Itagaki in your head kissing someone while saying it. After rumors ran wild last week that Tecmo and Square Enix were about to become one, Tecmo has since come out and revealed that they no longer want to merge with Square Enix, but rather Koei. Naturally Square was quick to react with "Did I do something wrong in bed?" while Tecmo's all "Nah baby, you just weren't enough for this panther". How am I not fired yet? But anyways, it appears as if Koei and Tecmo are moving forward with a merger, which is fine by me. I don't really care that much for either developer *Dead or Alive sucks*, so I definitely won't care when two developers I don't like become one. Although looking on the bright side of things this means that I'll only have to remember one address when it comes to the annual Christmas cards, and that leaves Square as sloppy seconds to merge with my new company, B3yond the *insert funny Japanese word here*.

Also, Team Ninja has promised to reveal three new titles at TGS this year. And I'm pretty sure I already know what they are: Ninja Gaiden 2 for PS3, Dead or Alive 5, and Mark Salmela's Extreme Beach Volleyball. What? Can't a boy dream? Well I heard that Tecmo is bringing back Tecmo football, so maybe they'll let Team Ninja develop it. Imagine the cheerleaders! Or even better, imagine the bloody body parts that will fly off after each tackle.

Credit: Tecmo.


Virtual Chanel update for the week of September 8



Take that Sony! Well is appears as if Nintendo has their own version of the PlayStation Network, and guess what? It's pretty awesome. Considering both Microsoft and Sony suck at releasing classic titles over their networks, it's nice to see that Nintendo has A TON of quality old-school games available for purchase on the Wii. Now if they could only get their own hard drive we'd have something really special. But that's a discussion for a later time.

This week Nintendo put up two classic video games on the Virtual console, as well as a brand new title on their WiiWare service. Which as long as I'm at it, if you haven't yet picked up Dr. Mario Online Rx, you're a dammed fool! It's one of the best purchases you could make for the Wii. Anyways, this week saw Cho Aniki *an old TurboGrafx16 game* and Final Soldier *another TurboGrafx16 game* go up on the Virtual console, with Cho Aniki costing $9 while Final Soldier retails for a cool $7.

As for the WiiWare release, users can pick up Groovin' Blocks for $8, which is basically your standard puzzle game with musical elements. I can't honestly say that I've played Groovin' Blocks, but I have a strong feeling that it's not worth the $8 price tag. But as for Cho Aniki, oh boy, you're in for a treat. For those of you who are unaware *maybe you recognized the screenshots but didn't know the title*, Cho Aniki is a side scrolling shooter *much in the sense of an R-Type* with a… oh let's say… strongly homosexual art style. Yeah I said it. I mean come on; the game is filled with half-naked dudes in sexually suggestive positions! I mean seriously, where are the Jack Thompsons for this game? But in all ACTUAL seriousness the game isn't terrible, but I can't imagine this is a game you'd want to be caught playing in public *then again I've been caught playing some pretty messed up games myself*. So feel free to go check out the Virtual console, if only for the shock value that Nintendo put up a title for download that features sweaty men in Speedos.

Credit: Nintendo



Biiyond the Tabloids!

Lorne Lanning of Oddworld Inhabitants has come out this past week and stated that he feels that developing games for consoles is a "step back" in the games industry, and that developers should focus on making PC games. Coming from a team that is famous for making PS1 games *and later Xbox games*, those are some pretty strong words. While I won't flat out say I disagree, I don't think PC's are the end-all for video game development. The average consumer needs the satisfaction of knowing that if he/she buys an Xbox 360 game or a Wii game that they won't have to jump through a bunch of hoops to get it to work, which is sometimes *or oftentimes depending on whom you ask* the case with PC gaming. And Lanning, instead of doing interviews about how much console gaming sucks, how about actually making a video game? Strangers Wrath was pretty good, but it's been 4 years now buddy.

Guess what? The Japanese Club Nintendo members are getting even more cool stuff that will never come to America *or Europe*. First is was the SNES controller add-on for the Wii, and now they have a bunch of cool stuff to chose from, including a collection of Game & Watch games for the DS, including a new one that combines Octopus and Parachute. But the one that I really want *and am pissed will never get* are the sweet Mario badges. I mean come on, there's nothing that screams "I'm a nerd looking for a weggie" more than a sweet badge with Mario's face on it. Any who if you really want some of this cool shwag I recommend checking out E-bay as I'm sure someone's going to try and make a quick buck off this stuff.

Apparently Sting will be a playable character in the upcoming Guitar Hero: World Tour video game. While I hate everything ever when it comes to music instrument video games, I'm sure some people will love this.

Speaking of mergers, rumor has it that EA has actually walked away from the potential merger deal with Take Two. And guess what? I CALLED IT! I was practically the only writer on the internet who openly claimed back in February/March that Take Two would not merge with EA. Man I hate being right…



Biiyond the Cinema!



BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!!!111!!!!!!



No seriously, don't watch this video and rewatch that last video again!



Man, that first video was too funny *although give some credit to the sleep deprivation*. Anyways, here's gameplay footage of Captain Rainbow. If you don't know what Captain Rainbow is, than I suggest going to Wikipedia and doing some research. It's too bad this game will never come to the US.



The One Man Water Cooler~!




THAT'S RIGHT DEREK! IT'S MY FEATURE! Honestly you can use The One Man Water Cooler if you want, I don't care.

Any who, this week I thought I'd just write a little piece on Nintendo before turning this bad boy in *the deadline as of this writing is 15 minutes from now*.

I have to say that I bought a Wii 2 months after launch *January 2007*, and for a while I was the happiest Wii owner ever. I loved the concept, I loved most of the games, and I loved the potential. But it seems as if Nintendo has fallen into the same situation that Sony ran into a couple years ago when launching the PS3… Arrogance…

Nintendo honestly believes that they can just re-release old Gamecube titles with minimal Wiimote support added and shove it out the door for $50 and expect it to sell well. Nintendo honestly believes that the casual consumers who own the Wii because "it's the hot thing" are more important than the hardcore gamers who've supported Nintendo for 20 years. And Nintendo honestly believes that there is nothing wrong with the Wii, and that no price drop nor improved features are needed. And I for one do not stand for it.

Why has it taken Nintendo so long to come up with a solution for the lack of a hard drive? Is it honestly that difficult to make a hard drive in the year 2008? It sure as hell isn't a money problem, because Nintendo could make a 10 GB hard drive, which would be more than enough for every Wii user, and sell it for a profit at $20. I have no doubt in my mind that would be a simple, moneymaking solution that Nintendo is ridiculous to ignore. Hell, don't want to do the work? Just open up the SD slot! I know it isn't hard, because hackers accomplished this a long time ago. If you have a modded Wii your storage solution problems are over, so why can't Nintendo just copy and paste this solution for everyone and solve the problem?

I want to love Nintendo, I really do, but right now they are just too cocky to get behind. While I've already mentioned in this column that I'll probably end up buying Animal Crossing: City Folk, that'll be the second and last game I buy for the Wii in 2008 *the other was WiiFit*. I will not purchase Gamecube quality games in the year 2008, and neither should you. Do you honestly think Nintendo will make any real changes with Pikmin 3? I already know the answer, and I'm sad to say that there are only two games that I am looking forward to on the Wii after this year. One of those is the new House of the Dead title. And the other…



Oh yeah… they're making a sequel baby… TARGET TERROR 2!!!



The 411mania Empire~!



B3yond the Report by Derek Robbins. Man, whoever came up with the name for that column is a genius!
Nintendophiles by Theo Fraser. Anything you can do I can do better… I can do anything better than you!
The PC Centric Extravaganza by Chris Evans.
The Select and Start News by Vincent Chiucchi.
The Negative Edge by Tommy Coloma. How the hell did he get out of my basement?!
The 10th Hour by Derek Robbins.
Coming Attractions by Drew Robbins. I went through several hours slaving over Microsoft Paint to make Drew a new banner and the inconsiderate slob doesn't even bother to use it! Thanks Drew!



Signing Off!





Mark: Hey Derek, do you think anyone will notice that I just copied and pasted the B3yond the Report outline for Nintendophiles? I sure hope they don't…

Derek: Of course not! I've been re-pasting the same 5 10th hour lists for the past 6 months and no one's noticed!


Oh well, it's been fun guys. Sorry if the column came off as both delusional and rushed, but yours truly was about to take the best nap of his life before being told about an hour and a half before this column was due that he'd have to write it. So pardon the rush job, but I couldn't leave my fellow Nintendophiles *that's right Theo, MY NINTENDOPHILES* in the dark. Anyways I think Drew Robbins will cover Nintendophiles next week, and Theo will be back at the helm the week after. I think this hero has earned a little rest *not before playing a little SOCOM beta of course*, so I'll cya when I cya!

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