Working Title 09.11.08: Working Change - Henchmen and Enemy Appreciation

Posted by Jordan Williams on 09.11.2008

Enough with the love for all of the sidekicks already. It's about time that the evil henchmen and enemies got thier due as well.

Welcome to the #1 Column in the World to almost be obliterated by Hurricane Ike, WORKING TITLE.

Earlier this week Hurricane Ike was ready to come into Florida and make us it's Tina, but it decided that it didn't want any of my awesome fury and turned into the Gulf of Mexico.

Because we know only pussies are in the Gulf of Mexico.

Pussies and Mexican Mermaids.

Either way, after two weeks of some pretty big ass columns I think it's time to break my track record and give you a little short column to chew on for the week. Is this a really big cop out because I just simply don't have the time this week? You bet your sweet ass it is. But I'd rather put up a short column then put up nothing at all.

Heroes and villains have always been the ones who get all the glory but there's always those who get overlooked. I've done this type of column about four times now, putting the emphasis on sidekicks, but I think it's about time that the evil side of the spectrum gets a little love, too.

Henchmen/Enemy Appreciation



Sure, Toad might be one of the greatest sidekicks and minor characters this side of the Rio Grande, but how about those Koopa Troopas? What about Gutsman and the always douchey Sagat? Now is the time for those wonderful henchmen and minor characters who exist not to make our lives a living hell, but to make damn sure that the real villain has an easier a time making that become a reality their due.

First up are pair of henchmen that never really get their due, but whenever Mario is on a role these two fuckers always come along ready to wreck his shit.

Hammer Bros.



Sure, you might not see them in every Mario game, but when they are around they are ready to wreck your shit. I could've easily put the Koopas or even the completely useless Goombas here (seriously, who has ever been killed by a goomba?) here, but you really doo have to admit that most of Mario's enemies are fucking pathetic. Koopas get smacked around, goombas get smushed, and everything else gets burned by fireballs. But it's the brave little Hammer Bros that put up a wonderful fight.

What's that? They don't put up a fight? I don't know about you but I was walking down the street and suddenly two crazy fuckers started throwing hammers at me I would be pretty goddamn afraid. If that doesn't sound like putting up a good fight, then I don't know what the hell is.

But what REALLY makes the Hammer Bros awesome henchmen? This right here.


Nuff said.

Lyle


What? Me? Talking about ANIMAL CROSSING? Holy fucking shit.

But yes, if there is one evil bastard in this game it is the always-persistent Lyle. Beware if you ever find yourself playing the game on a Saturday and you happen to leave your house. Lyle will not only pester you to buy some 'insurance' but he will NOT let you go until you do. Sure, you can reject him all day, but what happens? YOU'LL BE BUSTIN' HIS CHOPS.

BUSTIN'

HIS.

CHOPS.

So the only way to get rid of this evil beaver is to either pay him the 3000 bells or be flat broke so he'll leave you alone. Apparently beavers can smell money and will run away if you don't have enough.

I think that was the best double entendre I have ever used in this column...

But what may very well be the most evil thing about this character is the fact that he's a BEAVER that's BALDING. Seriously! What the hell is up with that? So beware of the underground crime syndicate in Animal Crossing. If you don't pay up to Lyle you might find that Resetti, Nook, and Blathers (Yes, Blathers) will fucking break your legs, burn your house down, and laugh while you crawl away.

Spinal


I still actually own this CD.

Time to get a little bit old skool. From a game that arguably needs a three-quel, Killer Instinct; we have a character that wasn't so much a henchmen rather than just an annoyingly evil fucker. The wonderful comic relief that is Spinal. His story in itself is already hilarious seeing as he's a supposed modern marvel in regeneration...yet the only thing these wonderful scientists can only manage to do is bring a skeleton back to life.

You'd figure that he would be a push over, being essentially nothing but a bag of bones. Let's face it; Skeletons don't have the best track record when it comes to video games. You have the Dry Bones who are damned persistent, but always fail. You have the standard RPG and Action Game Skeletons who are always the weakest enemies in the game. But now you see skeletons like Spinal who end up whooping all KINDS of serious ass. While I'm not going to say he was my favorite character of the series (that honor goes to Riptor), I am going to say that he was one of the funnier ones to play with. How much of a douche do you have to be to not only murder people in exceedingly hilarious ways (stabbing them to death with a shield spike) and to cameo in other characters end movies JUST to piss them off?

Spinal, you're awesome.

Angry Sun



FUCK!

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!


Fat Joe as Crack



Now shifting from someone who'll chase you to the ends of the Earth to someone who won't even chase you around the black, Fat Joe. It's no secret that I'm a big fan of the Def Jam Vendetta series so I obviously give it a lot of love...but if there's one fucker that I don't give love to it's Fat Joe's character Crack. Not only did this little bastard become a thorn in your side very early in the game, but he also is one of the slowest bastards in the game...in the bad way.

It's bad enough that he's already super strong and damn near broken by the sheer brute force of his moves, but does he have to be SO SLOW while he does it? Those of you who have played the game already know exactly what I'm talking about here. Crack has his 'signature' move that's unique to only him in the game which happens to be The Pedigree, one of the most devastating non-finisher slams in the game. The problem with this move is that he does this in slooooooow moooootioooooon.

He grabs you...looks to the side...looks again....looks one more time....takes a sip of a drink....scratches his ass...THEN drops you on your face. He drags this out so long that even Resetti would get impatient. While some might remember Magic (Busta Rhymes) being the more prominent henchmen of the group, it's Crack who they will grow to fear and loathe.

The Convicts



HE AIN'T MY BOY BUT THE BROTHA IS HEAVY!!!

If you ever happened to hear those lyrics while playing Dead Rising, it was a feat if you managed not to hit the pause button and began cursing every single God you could think of. Not only were the Convicts a bunch of fucking DOUCHES but they were the worst kind of douches...RECURRING douches. It was a damn miracle you were able to defeat the convicts the first time without the use of cheap weapons such as the Mini-Chainsaw, or somehow managing to steal the gun from the back of their car. If you somehow tried to ignore them and play the game as normal you would find out very soon that no survivor would be safe (or intelligent) near them and would simply end up being road kill.

So let's say you somehow managed to outsmart these surprisingly resourceful cons, what happened? They somehow managed to respawn at JUUUSSSST the right moment to make your life a hell. ANY other enemy in the game could've respawned and we couldn't have cared less. Kent, Lesbian Cop, Crazy Clown, all of them could've shown up and we would've been cool with it. By WHY OH FUCKING WHY did it have to be those three orange clad assholes who consistently managed to somehow get that damn jeep into a park that's inside of a mall that TEEMING with zombies and instead of...you know, trying to kill the zombies they are dead set on beating up this lily white reporter who has nothing to do with them.

And then to round things are there is perhaps the most overlooked of the enemies...the most underrated of the underrated...the most henchy of the henchmen...there...is...

I Block



Now you might question why exactly I have decided to put I block as an evil henchmen, if you think a lot about it you begin to see it all happens to make sense. When you are racking up and being awesome on Tetris, where the hell is I block when you need him? Where is he when you have that Tetris perfectly lined up and you're clearing all of your spots to one side so you can make room for him to slide right on into the hole, huh? He's nowhere to be fucking found. For all you know he's off in some other game chilling with the Pac-Man ghosts because he sure as hell isn't here helping you get your high score. Instead who do you get? You get the goddamn S block which no one likes. He just comes along and ruins any hopes of a Tetris you have had. He's like the worst cockblock you can think of concentrated into some form of Russian digital bastardom.

Of course, after everything is ruined guess who decides to finally sober up and make his presence known? The I Block...that evil bastard. See? Now that this horror story if fresh in your mind you are noticing that the I Block truly is evil, he really is a henchmen. The question is...who does he work for?

I think we all know the answer to that.










































FUCK!

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!

Working Feedback

Last week as a slow comment week, this means that I had to actually murder a cute animal.


Because of you, this Koala is dead now.

Great articles. I am also a big Megaman fan.... but you left out the best feature of ZX/Advent.... the feature that helped the series evolve the most... the [metriodvania] back/forth 2d style. Along with the new powers you receive, the exploration aspects of the DS games make them grrrreat. ~ Icon Zeke

I didn't leave that out accidentally, it was just something that I figured was a given to those who have been playing the ZX series up until that point. It didn't necessarily save the game from being horrible because even if that wasn't included in the game the X series is STILL head and shoulders above the Star Force series. It was just a little feature I had neglected to mention.

Thanks for the feedback.

Working Question

I remember about three years ago I had a very big and unbridled hate for a certain video game character.

Lara Croft.

However now that I am seeing more and more of her new games and seeing them actually be FUN I'm starting to actually hate the character less and less. Has this ever happened to you? What video game character (or series) have you hated for a long time but something different happened and it managed to change your mind on the whole damn thing?

You know where to answer.


Until next time, I'm Jordan Williams....and seriously, if I could've found a picture of the Evil Mask from Super Mario 2 and 3 I would've included him in this column as well.