The 10th Hour 10.03.08: Top 10 Best Cliche Levels

Posted by Derek Robbins on 10.03.2008

We see a lot of the same kinds of levels in video games, but which are the best of the best? From fire to water, the 10th hour has you covered.

Hello and welcome to the 10th hour. As always before we get the ball rolling this week I have a couple of tangents to hit on.

-The less that is said about last night's Cubs de-pantsing the better. Hopefully Z does well tonight and we can go to LA on Saturday with a 1-1 tie. I don't think Harden would lose game three.

-I just beat the True Arena mode in Kirby Superstar Ultra. It was kind of challenging, which is actually a first for the Kirby series, and I really enjoyed it. I will say that as a whole that Kirby Super Star Ultra is well worth your money and despite some highly dubious reviews from IGN and the like is a great addition to your DS library.

-Speaking of the Nintendo DS…I suppose you all know about this fancy schmancy new DSi? It may just be that I am super cynical, but does this seem relatively pointless to anyone else? I guess downloading shovelDSware games would be interesting, but is Nintendo really expecting people to buy the same system three times? Well, they probably are. To be totally honest, I still don't own a DS Lite because I didn't like Nintendo releasing the same system twice (and before you say GBA or Regular Gameboy it should be noted I didn't get a new regular gameboy until the color came out and I never upgraded to the SP). Perhaps it is not cheap-asses like me that Nintendo is targeting eh?

Reader Feedback

Last week I broke down the top-10 Final Fantasy characters, so let's see what you had to say about that eh?

It was a rather rough week for this guy last week. Send some sympathy to RavenTazECW

I'm a Mets fan. I'm also a Jets, Islanders, and Knicks fan, so as you can probably tell, I've become numb to the pain of the constant failures of my teams on an annual basis.

As soon as I saw the title of this list, I knew Vivi was winning. No real problem with the order, though I never liked Tidus and wish that you at least had Steiner as an honorable mention. he was such a strict and by-the-rules goofball that it was hard not to love his character. Balthier is alright, I have yet to beat FFXII as it's one of my numerous games where I'll play a lot for a week or two and then take 6-8 months off before playing again.

There are two conclusions that I could draw from your list of favorite teams. You're either a New York Guy or a masochist. Given that I don't think anyone enjoys torture to THAT extent I will assume you are a New York guy. Too bad man…I actually felt sorry for the Mets and how things went down. To lose 2-of-3 to the Marlins at home when your playoff lives are on the line? Why…why that's crazy! Well at least Santana brought his pitching glove (not to go Chip Caray on you, oy) so it wasn't a sweep.

Heh, I am a fairly predictable guy though, so I don't imagine Vivi was too hard of a guess. You bring up a good point about the lack of Steiner. He was super charming and had a lot of character growth through the course of the game. As it may be obvious by now I am an absolute sucker for characterization.

Also you need to beat FF XII already man! Stop putting it off!

Matt P taps into my inner nostalgia.

Never even played a final fantasy game, but couldn't help notice vivi looks remarkably like wizardmon from digimon.

Hmmmmm any way croagunk made the read worthwhile.

Also Dereck, you should do a top ten weapons of gaming. (would you class a pokeball as a weapon???)

While I think Vivi looks more like Orca from He-Man…I can't help but love you for helping me remember Wizardmon. Dude sacrificed himself for Kari and Gatomon, what's not to love? Man, when I was growing up…night-and-day I was all about the Digimon. I was a loser kid, hah.

You really should at least try a Final Fantasy just to say that you have. I am sure that your lack of interactive menus will get to you eventually. Every man must come to grips with hit points and mana at some point. Also…I would consider a weapons list but that'd be a hard one to compile. I don't think I'd classify the pokeball as a weapon though…it's more for capture as opposed to harm.

Triple J makes the case for Cloud

Cloud is the best FF character ever.

The way he is instantly recognised shows this, no other FF character has the same global appeal as Cloud.

If you were to make a list of most recognizable game characters I assume Cloud would be on it, but best? For me…I don't think Cloud is all that great. He may easily be the most recognizable FF character but he's far from the best.

guest forget which genre was discussed last week.

Final Fantasy X isn't a game. You spend more time watching cutscenes than you do playing.

Have you played a JRPG before? I ask because there's usually some sort of narrative you either have to press x to read through or watch. It's a mixture of gameplay and story. Metal Gear Solid 4 is more story heavy than Final Fantasy X and everyone seems to love that (and for good reason)

thesonicvision is none too pleased with my list

horrible, disgusting, insulting list.

this is one of those, "i want to stand
out from the norm, so i'll pick
characters that don't deserve to be
here" statements.

no cloud, squall, sephiroth,
locke, terra, shadow, or cecil?
what the hell, man?

I'll just post what I said in the comment section again. It seems effective enough.

No, I was not "trying to be different". Why would I do that for? Everyone knows I have out-landish opinions. Further establishing that fact really establishes nothing. This is how I really feel. Allow me to break it down for you

Squall's personality: "..."
Cloud's personality: Zack Fair for 3/4 of the game, then generic
Sephiroths personality: His sword. Jenova was the real villain.
Locke: See description for Celes (Celes description says any of the main party members from FF VI could have been represented there) He could have easily made the list. Celes was more of a "cast of FF VI" representative.
Terra: See description for Celes.
Shadow: lol. I hope you're joking.
Cecil: Generic.

This is how I feel and I am sorry if you disagree. As I said in the intro, I welcome you to make your own list. I admit any Final Fantasy list is imperfect because, well, it's so rich in character. I mostly went with side characters because as a whole they are more interesting than the leading characters. I appreciate your opinion though...even if it's the opposite of mine.

ChestofBarnes likes Vivi as well? Man he knows how to appeal to my soft side.

I personally have a soft spot for Cloud and Sephiroth. I kind of understand why people don't like them, characters that are loved by the masses are bound to have non-conformist detractors. I just feel that as a pairing the dynamic is excellent between them both.

I, too, love Vivi - and I admit that his character development is greater than any other FF character - but would not have him as number one. Definitely top 5, though. Definitely a big fan of Zidane and I kind of like Kuja also. My problem with Kuja was that I felt he should have been the final boss and should have been slightly more challenging. In-game, though, he was certainly quite compelling but just had something missing, in my opinion.

I may get judged for this but VII was the first FF game I played. I have since played every FF game (Including Tactics but not XI) and I have yet to discover any characters that I regard higher than Cloud and Sephiroth.

I respect your opinion. I wouldn't call myself a non-conformist for not agreeing with you…I just never got what was so special I suppose. Especially considering Cloud is just a vessel for Zack's personality for ¾ of the game.

Hrrrm…Kuja is certainly a very interesting villain and probably the only main villain that would have sniffed this list. I had to tone down on the FF IX love a little bit. The way I revere the ninth Final Fantasy is similar to the way people worship the seventh. It's just a special experience for me. Glad you agree with Vivi and Zidane…those two combined for some absolutely memorable moments and helped make the game a smashing success.

bimbi887 brings us more Mets talk. Seriously? Wow, we moved to the Sports section!

I am a huge New York mets fan and I just can't believe that the mets lost that game against the cubs with Murphy at third base with no outs in the 9nth inning... and to make it worse Aramis launches one to the statosphere (thanks to that good for nothing reliever Ayala) oh well thats what you get when you are a mets fan :( but now I'm rooting for your cubbies to win it all because they have proven that they were the best team in the NL all year and I am also rooting for Prince Albert to win the MVP... every journalist or fan that says Howard or Delgado (even though he's a met and he's from Puerto Rico like me) should win MVP clearly doesn't know anything about baseball... as far as final fantasy goes I am glad that Auron, Tidus, Zidane and Vivi made the list (though I am also a little dissappointed that neither Steinr or Wakka made it) FFIX and FFX are my favorite FF games and I am glad they got the the recognition they deserve.

Again, I feel bad for you silly Mets fans. I'm glad you're behind the Cubs this post-season. I hope Zambrano doesn't shit the bed tonight like Dempster did last night though. I'd hate to see both the teams you were rooting for collapse into a pile of dust. As for the NL MVP…I agree, it should be Albert Pujols. The idea that the player on a winning team needs to win the MVP or Cy Young is ludicrous. No matter how good a player is there is no way one person can single-handedly take a shitty team into the post-season. For instance, Tim Lincecum is having a statistically fabulous season and many people won't vote for him to be the Cy Young simply because he played for the Giants. That's crazy and voters need to start thinking harder.

Wakka was a lovable character to me as well, but I don't think he was quite good enough to make the list. I mean, sure, being a blitzball star married to a smoking hot goth-ish girl is cool enough…but there was just something missing! Poor him.

My friend Josh Rumsey…wants me to take out Vivi. What!?

Nice to see our favorite character on the list bro. But your missing out on Kain! You needs some Kain, and Edgar love man! Oh and Locke, psh get rid of vivi, and don't forget Barret!! Long live Final Fantasy!

Well there is no way in hell that Cid Highwind would ever be left off a list like this. Cid pretty much made FF VII for me.

As for Kain, I have to be honest with you…I really don't much care for Final Fantasy IV's cast of leading characters very much. As good as a lot of people consider Kain and Cecil to be I just don't think they're that cool and to be frank…they seem a little generic to me. Is this RPG-sacrilige? Perhaps. I can't help but feel that way though.

Also Viva Vivi, Josh. Viva Vivi.

Closing my comment section this week is a list written by M-X

Not a bad list at all. I'm still playing XII (wife got the PS2 in the divorce and I only just got a new one).

My list at present would be:

10- Cid (VII)
09- Seifer (VIII)
08- Cecil (IV)
07- Tifa (VII)
06- Vivi (IX)
05- Auron (X)
04- Sephiroth (VII)
03- Lulu (X)
02- Kefka (VI)
01- Cloud (VII)

Even though it's cliche, I still absolutely love the Cloud character.

Obviously I disagree with the inclusion of Cloud and Sephiroth but even in my bitter heart of hearts I can admit that both Cloud and Sephiroth have good reasons for appearing there so…good for you. Other than that though I was impressed with the inclusion of Seifer. He was a pretty cool character. One of the few to escape the mess of Final Fantasy VIII's plot and really grab me.

So all and all, good list man.



Top-10 best types of cliché levels

This list isn't a totally serious list so take everything you read with a grain of salt. Most likely what I am saying is total bullshit. Basically the rules are: "Derek thinks of what level types are cliché and orders them accordingly." Expect sarcasm. Also it should be noted that I really dislike numbers 10 and 9 and I hope that becomes apparent soon. I'm writing this because I think it'll be fun, and I'm a narcissist who insists every second of my life be fun.

10-) Ice - Okay, you're playing one of your favorite platformers of all time and you just got out of this blazing inferno. Your avatar is most likely supposed to have become a charred cinder of his former self but some how he emerged from the whole level merely charred. Considering you have little control over which levels you play and when it is assumed that due to your character being overly heated he decides to cool off and "chill" in the ice level.

The problem with that? I mean outside of the fact that you move from one super extreme to the other in about five seconds. Are there really two places so similar side-by-side? Is there some sort of real-life Hailfire peak? Whatever the case, what makes these frozen levels so un-cool (and no, I won't tired of these puns) is the fact that for whatever reason they decide to make things semi-realistic here. Oh sure, your character can touch MOLTEN LAVA without his shoes melting off or being scarred so badly that you have to go into a Darth Vader-like suit. When it comes to Ice though? Oh no, that un-realistic shit goes flying out the window. Instead of being able to move along perfectly and stare at the pretty snow on the ground you are fucking sliding all over the place. Be careful or you WILL FALL DOWN HOLES. I am not even kidding. Falling flat on your ass? That's something you beg for, that's something you CRAVE. Instead you'll just slide around for infinity. If you're going to introduce sliding why not introduce falling to go for that realism you so desperately crave!

Can you imagine running around outside on the ice? Instead of falling flat on your ass (like you should, you dumbass, you're running on ice) you just go slip sliding around everywhere? Oh sure, you may think that sounds fun…but just wait until you go over your first open man-hole. You'll wish friction wasn't your enemy then. Nothing you can do will stop you from falling down that hole. Unless you can jump like Mario I suppose.

Who wants to time their jumps while thinking about how long they'll slide for? Nobody wants to do that. Every time I play through Mario I absolutely loathe playing the requisite ice level. I know there'll be slipping, I know there'll be sliding, and I know there'll be a lot of thinking. I mean, thinking? While playing a platformer? Who the hell wants to do that. When I play a platformer I demand easy victory by holding the right button down. I pity you who feel any other way.



9-) Water - This is a bit of a departure from the last item on my list. I know you may be thinking: "But Water TURNS into ice, how different can it be?" oh, trust me…it's different. You remember how the ice levels try to force some sort of crazy friction-less realism onto you? Well when you go take a dip into the water for whatever reason your character goes through one-of-two transformations. He is either possessed by the spirit of Aqua Man and can now somehow turn water into oxygen or they have the lung-capacity of a God. Playing through a platformer, I'll point at Mario again, you would have to look at the Aquaman theory because there's no way that guy has that sort of lung capacity. The Princess? Maybe. Mario? I don't think so. Also before you point out Post-SNES Super Mario…I am obviously am talking about 16-bit stuff.

Now listen, I certainly could care less if a game is realistic or not. I mean, really, who cares whether or not it's realistic for one to swim underneath water for all eternity? I actually kind of envy the man who can do it. The problem with water levels is the fact that they decide to have you move in all directions. Instead of simply moving right and pressing the jump button you need to swim around (usually by pressing the jump button to increase height) and avoid various enemies. It becomes kind of hectic then because instead of dealing with one enemy at a time – or perhaps TWO if you are dealing with an air-borne guy as well – you have to deal with several swarming at you at once. I don't need to tell you that this can be hectic. Who has the time to take notice of all those octopi? Not me, I am a busy and active individual with no time to slow down.

The main reason I dislike water levels is because it kind of breaks up the pacing of a game a lot of the time. You can be zooming along on flat land and having a blast because you're actually moving. When you get to the water though? You're moving slow. You're moving really slow. If you were to compare your land speed to your water speed it would be like comparing a cheetah to a sloth. one primarily climbs in the trees while the other runs on land. Just so disorienting.

The water is kind of fun to look at, I guess…but I am an impatient gamer and I demand instant gratification. This does not deliver that.

- That's not exactly the kind of water level I am talking about.

8-) Urban/City - We're playing a video game. We expect to go through these fantastical locations. For goodness sakes just yesterday I was guiding a character through the air, having him walk on clouds. Of course, not everybody wants to play through these crazy environments 24/7. You have to cater to the person who wants to walk through your typical every day scenario. I mean, why do something new when you can do what you do in your every day life?

For that man, the man who demands the common…video game developers have introduced the city-type of level. In these levels you…play through the city. Ah! But what part of the city you might ask? There are usually a couple of kinds. This is one of the few clichés that isn't grounded to one particular type of level. That's right boys and girls for the first time in history we have a TWO-TIERED genre. Such open ended gameplay is something that Grand Theft Auto would rip off years down the road.

For the first type of city level you tend to roam the streets. You look up and you'll see large buildings everywhere. This is to give you the sense that yes, you are in the city and yes…this is not a small town. I mean, if you saw a farm there you'd think you were playing in some rural shit and who wants to play there? Not anybody. Rural life isn't fun. These are fairly straight forward areas. I mean, you may run into a crazed automobile owner who is trying to run you over or you may even have to deal with local city-folk who don't take kindly to your antics. Outside of those little quirks there isn't much to these levels outside of the scenery.

The second type of city level lets us play out the types of dreams that we have always wanted to play out. Have you ever wanted to run along the top of buildings and fall down because you couldn't properly time your jump and chase down villains? Well get this, video game designers understand your primal urge to hop on roofs so they added this second portion to city levels that allow you to run along the roof tops. Usually this is reserved for chasing something or being chased…so it's almost always intense and you're almost always on the move. It's fun. Of course, sometime they try to sneak some tricky platforming in, but if you're a real man you'll just input a moonjump cheat to over come that. Nobody likes tricky platforming, come on now.

Living in the city. You know you have to survive. Living in the city. You've got to keep that dream alive…Where everything is free. The city level is grandiose and should be appreciated for RE-DEFINING gaming as we know it. I mean, multiple ways to play the same sort of area? That never would have been thought of. Bravo.



7-) Warehouse - Imagine the least fun place to go to in the world and then try to make that sort of area playable. Something someone would want to run through and say…shoot a dozen or so people in. I don't know about you, but the first thing that came to my mind is the warehouse. Even though, according to books and films, it's the place where ¾ of the criminal underworld go to sort out their deals…they've always seemed boring to me, but for whatever reason game makers keep pushing them on us.

Let's sort something out first. The very, very first thing I think of when I think of warehouse would be boxes. I mean, storage warehouse? Where else would your favorite goods and/or services come from? Certainly not some sort of goods and services fairy because that sort of thing doesn't exist. You can get that shit out of here. Well gaming people seem to have read my mind regarding the box issue because the very first thing you'll notice in any warehouse level is a bevy of crates.

Seriously, just look around. There is that stuff everywhere. Sure nothing terribly interesting may be inside, but dammit…all of us crate lovers finally have a genre that boxes everything we enjoy into one cart. As if that wasn't enough these levels also have an abundance of exploding barrels. Imagine, if you will, you going out into public and all of a sudden you see a bunch of barrels. I don't mean just a bunch of barrels, I mean it looks like someone committed barrel genocide. There are barrels everywhere. One of your beloved comrades happens to be carrying around an AK-47 – which is standard issue – and unloads a round into one of those things with little-to-no recourse. You proceed to get blown to smithereens. Now imagine if those things were REALLY explosive. Wouldn't barrels be out-lawed by every country? The exploding barrel podcast would be a group of renegade podcasters discussing how cool their exploding barrels are. It's an interesting image to conjure.

Usually here isn't much substance to the warehouse level, which is fitting because that's just like real life. That said if you like to see things combust or if you have an affinity for boxes I think you might find yourself in love. Nothing quite emphasizes the monotony of the real world quite like the warehouse level. Where would gamers be if it wasn't for you teaching us these valuable lessons? I hesitate to think about it, for my fears are that it would be a dark place indeed.

- Deadly things.

6-) Sewer - If video games have taught me anything in life it's that sewers are absolutely the place I want to be in the least. On top of what merely passing by man-holes has taught me – they smell – I also have learned that sewers are often infested with live alligators, snakes, a plethora of rats , exploding barrels, spike polls that come down on you if you move near them, and maybe even a squad of young adolescent turtles who practice the art of ninjutsu. In other words, if you enjoy normalcy in any since of the word…perhaps you won't enjoy the sewers.

I mean let's look at a typical sewer level, shall we? If you're playing an RPG you're going to run into mutants. You'll see a similar idea echoed in Futurama. If you are a freak you are damned to settle below the surface. Video game makers, aren't you supposed to be endorsing some equality? I mean the Assassin's Creed people seem to! Why can't everyone else? The notion that people who are different than us live beneath the surface, no matter how homicidal they may be, is just insane. Naturally, instead of taking pity on these poor, poor freaks you kill them with little to no hesitation. My silent protagonist is the slayer of the foul.

If you're playing a regular game in the sewers, get out of the sewers and play in your living room or something. I mean, come on. Seriously though, if you're playing in the sewers you're probably playing the ninja turtles. There are other games that incorporate the sewer level but who cares about them? Everyone loves the turtle. What is the turtle code? It's simple, really. After you kill about your fiftieth member of the foot clan, you may spot a pizza. Now we normal people…we hesitate to eat regular food we find on the floor of our regular household. These mutant turtles, these freaks of nature? They eat pizza off of the sewer floor. So let me get this straight, video game designers…you're suggesting that mutants, even if they are fighting to save the world, have no sense of sanitation? How sensitive.

As fun as it is to plow your way through a side-scrolling sewer, I can't help but feel horribly offended at the portrayal of sewers in video games. Oh well, it's the most fun one can have while slamming an entire society of people.



5-) Space - Since the beginning of time man has held a fascination with the stars. They wonder why they sparkle so. They ponder whether wishing on a shooting star will really, truly…grant you that wish you desperately crave. Game makers got together collectively to decide how they would address this love affair. Unlike other tawdry affairs this one could go public and your wife would be totally cool with it. What we got from this conference? The space level. Like the revolutionary city level, the space level decides to change things up a little bit and offer different ways to play in the same atmosphere.

The first thing you have is the side-scrolling shooter. This may sound ridiculously complex for you, but what happens is that you hop into a space ship and you scroll. SIDEWAYS. Amazing really. While you are scrolling you have to contest with every single form of alien life in the universe. It's almost as if you are an alien renegade and it's really YOU who is the bad guy because you are defying these aliens of their peace. Whatever, the point is that you need to avoid everything you see. Those asteroids and meteorites desperately want to smash you to smithereens. The idea has single handedly kept America from reaching into the deeper reaches of space because they fear a scenario pitting one ship against a horde of killer aliens.

Another thing that you can do with the space level is not as old and well-known as the other things on this list. You see, this very tactic takes a lot of time, effort, and money...so not a lot of people have tried it yet. What happens is that a company will hype a game up as having nearly infinite replay value. You can play forever, really! What they do next is have you play a couple of hours grounded on the earth until you can finally go into space. Once in space, you can fly around in circles and shoot stuff for as long as you want! Sure it'll get really boring and the gameplay doesn't change much at all but the fact is you CAN DO IT. It's an ingenious marketing strategy that I fully endorse.

While space is a wondrous and mysterious thing to men, us people who play video games know what the future holds. And it's hostile.



4-) Sky - I ask you, fellow gamers, do you feel the sunshine? Does it brighten up your day? Don't you feel that sometimes, you just need to run away? Well what better place to run away to than the sky? You can be closer to your beloved sun and live an eternally bright life. It seems pretty great to me. Amazingly enough, this is the third thing on my list that has multiple ways to play. When did the video game cabal become so creative? Perhaps I missed the meeting.

Imagine, if you will, roaming along the clouds. Instead of falling to the earth as you normally would, the clouds are stable and will support your weight. This is delicious fantasy, but you see it so much you have to wonder if anyone out there thinks it is reality? I mean, do you think people believe that if airplanes run into clouds they will crash down in a burning wreckage? That'd be weird. Anyhow, conveniently enough, the clouds in the sky all line up for perfect jumping action. While you're living your dreams in this puffy white world you also have to fend off a variety of birds, or if you're playing most every mega man ever, robots. Did you know robots love the air? You'd think those heavy exteriors would prevent them from chilling with the birds, but whad'dya know! They can.

So other than straight up platforming, sky levels can also house side-scrolling shooting very similar to what you would find in space levels. The difference, of course? You're one guy from your own country trying to gun down guys from other countries. It's pretty much globicide, but fun globicide none the less. Shooting down planes is great and all, but there are other things you can do in the air. For instance, in Sonic the Hedgehog you get on top of your plane and jump on robots! Man, what the hell is with robots and the air? I guess when the robocalypse begins we can't count the air as a safe haven.

Video games have stricken the fear of God into me when it comes to flying and I refuse to get into a plane. Thanks a lot, guys.

- You don't walk on THIS cloud silly.

3-) Woodland - We're video gamers. Oh sure, I shouldn't be saying that we're one group…one collective entity…but we are. We think alike, we bathe alike, we probably have similar social patterns. I mean, dude, have you ever spoken to a woman? I know I haven't. Cooties man. So I assume that I am not alone in having never ventured into the woods? It's a creepy place, it's a place that I want none of. I assume bears are there and nobody likes bears. So I have to rely on what videogames have told me about the woods, so I hope it's accurate.

The trees are alive (with the sound of music). You may be thinking to yourself that this is common knowledge, after all…but the kind of trees we read about in text books are different from the actual trees you see out there. If you get too close to one, it is prone to attack. In this one shocking documentary game I played, when I got close to a tree it started spitting at me and shooting apples as well! It could also spin around and stuff. It was an easy boss battle but damn did it freak me out. I couldn't look at the trees in my front yard the same again. That's not to say all trees are bad, don't forget the brave sacrifices of the Great Deku tree, but I am naturally un-trusting.

As if that wasn't bad enough, every single animal in the woods wants to kill you. In the World of Warcraft, I had to slay countless bears, boars, and wolves. Now I haven't ever seen an actual bear or wolf (I have been bored) but I can only assume the depiction of these animals in game is totally accurate. I can see a wolf tearing away at my flesh, and why would the video game designers of the world go so far out of their way to smear an animal? It seems un-realistic.

Forest levels also like to make you go under-ground for some reason. I am lead to believe that on casual strolls through the forest you will see a wide-open hole with a path for you to travel underground. Not to say I'd want to go. These places can be infested with robots (It's like they're trying to warn us!), more animals, bugs, more bears, robot bears…and whatever else your mind can think of. It's creepy and it paints a surreal picture of what a lot of us do not know.

The woods are a scary place. I would know.



2-) Mecha/Futuristic - In the future, there will be robots. Well to be totally fair, every freaking genre has had robots in them in some way…but the future is like the strong hold for them. If you play a futuristic level you can expect a few things. You'll see flying cars. You'll probably see weird building. You'll definitely see weird villains wearing weird futuristic clothing. On top of all that? Robots. Lots and lots of robots.

In video games the future can be depicted in several ways. I will address two of them. The first of which is a promising future. You'll find badguys littered around the levels you fight in but you'll also be able to behold the marvels of the future. I mean…floating cars, floating cities, floating everything. It looks like a really happy place full of really happy people. The badguys are real dicks in this case, so it would bring you even more joy to take them down. Why would anyone mess with such a pleasant future?

The alternate future is one that is just absolutely terrible. Imagine if you will a land of poverty. (No, not Detroit.) A land where there is no hope, no possibility of a future to the future…no anything. Just days and days of misery compounded with days and days of no food. Oh sure, you can get machines that theoretically give you all the energy you need but at the end of the day you are still hungry and that makes you sad. The enemy in this type of future is typically robotic. They either over-threw humanity or are being controlled by an evil human who may also be a robot. Either way, assuredly, robots will be involved because they are metallic and the future is metallic.

It's amazing that people can predict the future in such differing ways. One, a future that is nice and peaceful…one that endorses you fighting for everlasting peace. Or two, a future that is controlled by our robotic overlords. Are people so pessimistic that they think such a future is possible? Golly I hope not. Whatever the case is, I can assure you, the future will come.

- Not a great looking place.

1-) Fire - Seriously, what other level could take the number one spot? I mean sure, it is fun tromping around the future or flying around in the air…but what beats the astounding adventure that you can have while playing with fire? Don't worry, you don't always get burned! It's probably the one area I expect to see in every game I play. I mean, if a game isn't badass enough to incorporate a fire level why even bother with it? Mario had one, are you saying that your game is better than Mario? I don't think so.

What happens in fire levels is that usually your character is surrounded by an inferno of some sort. You may think the situation is a little hot but I assure you, your character does not think so. Instead of getting a plethora of second degree burns from being inches away from fire you get nothing. You're not even killed when you fall directly into the fire sometimes! You're barely hurt, able to fight another day. This might seem pretty un-realistic to you since throughout our entire lives we've learned that fire is indeed hot…but I assure you it's just because our video game characters are fairly manly.

It's interesting to note that these fire levels are typically areas encompassed by an inferno. It's not like you're playing in a volcano or something where there are your occasional walls that won't burn you…you actually have walls made of fire. Now how these fire buildings can support themselves is a mystery to me. Then again, I guess it's a bit of a good thing since you can't burn them to the ground.

Fire is the best because you know that if it's a good game, they'll incorporate a fire level. Easy peasy mang.



Well that's it for this week. I hope this was at least kind of entertaining. If you wish to leave a comment below, simply do so. Or you can always e-mail me at [e-mail]

Before I sign off for the week, let's check some links from around 411's gaming section shall we?

Jordan "The Ogre" Williams writes the Working Title. This week he discusses games that have been dubbed as GTA killers. He also praises The Big Bang Theory but I think that Rod Oracheski may have shot a veiled insult at it. D'oh.

Chris Vicari writes the PC Spotlight. It's a new news related PC article. This week he shows us some screenshots of Duke Nukem forever. Fuck yeah.

Another new column springs up and this one is written by our friend Tommy Coloma. He intends to discuss games that have not been brought here. I'm ashamed to admit it but I am very privy to Ikkitousen. Terrible show, but it's intriguing.

Vincent Chiucchi inducts Gizmondo into the Hall of Shame. And for good reason. As always, very funny Vince.

Chris Evans writes the PC-centric Extravaganza and he unveils to us the system specs for Left 4 Dead. Looks like I can run it, alright!

Tommy Coloma moderates Fact or Fiction. This week one of the things he asks is whether KOF XII's hand-drawn visuals are better than SF IV's 3D visuals. The answer is: No. Street Fighter looks damn stylish.

Drew writes Coming Attractions and he orders the 9-main series Mega Man games. He doesn't do a bad job but I would have put nine ahead of three.

Rod Oracheski writes Achievement Unlocked and this week he unveils some of the more interesting achievements from upcoming games including Banjo Kazooie Nuts and Bolts. I really am interested to see how that game turns out

Theo Fraser writes the Nintendophiles. He reports on the then-rumor that the DS was getting a new model. I suppose it was good that you reported on it seeing as it ended up happening.

I write b3yond the report. My mood has soured (5-0 Dodgers what the hell) so I'm faking enthusiasm right now.

Joe Roche writes the Full Circle News Report. This week he mentions how Bungie is hinting at a Halo 3 expansion. I have to admit, that would be preferable to another Halo.

Vincent Chiucchi writes the select and start news report and thank goodness that hack Jack Thompson is getting disbarred

I think that's it for links. If I forgot ya', I'm sorry. Cubs game is distressing me right now.

I'm out.

Til' the Crossroads

Screenshots
All 9 The 10th Hour Screenshots