Working Title 10.30.08: Working Nightmare

Posted by Jordan Williams on 10.30.2008

You think you know what true fear is? I'll show you what true fear is. Glover, Super Contra, TMNT THAT is true fear. Welcome to MY Nightmare.

Welcome to the #1 Column to WARN YOU NEVER TO FUCKING DRINK EVERCLEAR STAIGHT IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE. I made a HORRIBLE mistake of doing this weekend I swear I might've died for a couple of minutes. You hear me kids? DO NOT DRINK EVERCLEAR STRAIGHT.

Anyway, seeing as tomorrow is Halloween around the corner, I'd figure I would go the cliché route and just do a column about scary video games. Video games and video game moments that have personally chilled me to my very core and made me wonder why God would allow such a monstrosity to ever be put into digital form. These games are scary, folks. Make no mistake about it. They will make you shit your pants and cry tears of blood.

Do you think you're man enough to handle the horror? Do you? Well step into my Working Nightmare.

Working Nightmares

So, you're probably expecting as list of Resident Evils, Silent Hills, Fatal Frames, and what not. Well too fucking bad. Yeah, those games are scary...but any one who knows scary know it's even scarier when you least expect you. You got into those types of games expecting to be scared...so you are. But what about these deceptive games that are not overtly scary but still get to you? What about those games that just have that sudden jerk moment that just rocks you to the core? What about games that are not scary at all in the least, but I will just pick a part or a character out of them and portray it was scary in a comedic fashion? Then you've gone to the right place. How about we start this off with one of my personal favorites...

TMNT: The Bomb Level



AAAAAAH!

Just thinking about this fucking level scares me to death. What? I can see you now saying "Dude, it's just TMNT, it's not that scary" WELL FUCK YOU. If you look me dead in the eye and tell me that the bomb level was not fucking pulse pounding edge of your seat fear then I don't know what the fuck was. Imagine trying to guide your poor 8-bit turtle through the madness that is a side scrolling underwater trying to search for bombs that could explode at any moment only to find out that for some reason you can't find one and you realize you only have three seconds left before it all goes to fucking shit.

What do you do? If you're anything like me you silently weep as you know your favorite red eared terrapins are about to become the most dreaded concoction this side of the Mason-Dixon...

Turtle Soup.

Buck Bumble

Are you afraid of Bees?

How about Bees with FUCKING ROCKET LAUNCHERS. Good thing you controlled said Bee in Buck Bumble, but that didn't stop you from having to battle psychotic kamikaze wasps, Roaches with laser guns, weevils with tank turrets, and all sorts of other mutated bugs in the scariest fucking backyard in the fucking UK. You could just write them off as them being small but we all know if you saw a fucking wasp flying at you with the intent to crash into your eyeball for the good of his colony, not only would you freak out and scream, you'd run like a little bitch as you flapped your arms in the air in some futile attempt not to have a stinger in your pupil.

This game might not have been full of blood and guts but it's horrible fucking controls were enough to keep you up at night in a cold sweat as you wondered why in the hell would and already horrible controller like the N64 controller even THINK about using a game that has to work a flight sim without programming it out a little better. If you're anything like you me were never able to get passed the second level out of the gripping fear of dropping the fucking bomb and ending up obliterating the entire game world...which consisted of about 15 feet. But still...it's pretty scary shit.

At least the theme music was fuckin' awesome.





Glover



I'm going to cut off your hand.

And shove it into one of the worst fucking game I've ever played. Glover is proof that doing things with one hand is only good when it's late at night and no one is home. Imagine playing a game where up was down left was right, back was forward, and the only way you could win was to have a fucking degree in physics. You had to guide a ball through a series of demonic hell raising mazes as you prayed that the controller would actually just finally sync into your brain so the game would actually do the same sort of the command that you were somehow thinking of.

But it never happened.

You were forever doomed to play such a shitty game until you either died of complete boredom you somehow managed to sell your soul to the devil in order to get passed the first level. If you were one of the brave souls who actually owned this game, let alone get PASSED the first level I am sure there is a very special part of hell made just for you, because to put yourself through this sort of torture must be some sort of a sin.

Have mercy.

Okay, I know I said that I was going to talk about games that weren't overtly scary, but in the true spirit of Halloween I'll drop a couple of legit scary moments in for the sake of it. These are moments that really did make me shiver in my boots a bit the first time they happened. If you come in here all SUPER MANLY and say a video game never scared you I will kick you in the back of your teeth. You hear me? The back of your teeth. Think about that for a second.

Contra III



Alright, there wasn't much about this game that was overly scary...until you beat Motherbrain at the end of the game. You figure the whole time you are just going to get back on that helicopter and fly out then HOLY FUCKING SHIT SHE'S CHASING US! If you had to play that alone I am fairly sure you were most likely baking brownies in your booty at that point. Not only did you just have to play one HELLACIOUS game, you had to go through an equally fucking hard boss battle only to find out that you might get killed during the motherfucking credits!

Speaking of shit you had to do before, what about the motorcycle level? HOW ABOUT THAT SHIT? You're fighting some big ass evil jet while hanging onto LIVE MISSLES THAT ARE BEING FUCKING BLOWN UP BY THE SAME FUCKING EVIL JET YOU ARE FIGHTING WHILE HANGING THOUSANDS OF FEET IN THE FUCKING AIR

Seriously! WHAT THE FUCK!?

I don't I ever said "Oh shit" more consecutive times in my history of game playing, it was just a pretty fucked up (and awesome) feeling to go through while playing an SNES game.


Super Mario Bros Series

I know, you're probably expecting me to put the Angry Sun here and spam "Fuck" over and over again. But I'm actually not going to do that. I'm going to talk about something else that was scary as hell when it came to Mario games. No, it's not Boos, Bowser, or evil Reznor. It's this most demonic and vile motherfucker right here, he never fucking talks but he's like the angel of fucking death because his sole purpose is to rain spiky balls of hell on top of you while he cackles from his flaming chariot in the sky.


Lakitu.

Don't let his comedic oversized glasses and his silent demeanor full you. This guy is the scariest motherfucker to set foot in the Mushroom Kingdom. Not only does he spend his days flying around dropping poor innocent animals out of a cloud in the sky, he also watches you while you sleep. Remember? He has a fucking camera the films everything. You know that one time you ran around naked at home while your mom was out and you even rubbed you ass on your little brothers doorknob? Lakitu saw that.

The time you are Jim's lunch at work from the fridge and then acted like you didn't know who did it? Lakitu saw that.

All of those illegal video game, movie, and music downloads? Lakitu saw that. Fuck Big Brother watching you, it's now officially going to be called "That creepy bastard in the cloud" is watching you. He's hovering right outside your window right now--DON'T LOOK! He's not a Boo, he won't cover his eyes and act all cute and cuddly, he'll just stare at you with his cold...dead...near-sighted eyes.

Oh god, I know I said I wasn't going to mentioned The Angry Sun...But imagine of somehow The Angry Sun and Lakitu had some sort of sick bastard love child?

See? Now you're never going to sleep soundly again and you have me to thank for it.


Working Feedback

I'm still not liking all the hate for GTA IV...but I'll deal with it.

Nice job on that achievement, what is your Writerscore now? Mine is 2000, yeah I know, call me an achievement whore, but you are just jealous. ~That one kid from 10th Hour

Aww, so cute. I remember when I was at 2000 two years ago. Keep on truckin', Drew.

Saint's Row (1 or 2) > GTAIV is a no brainer, not for missions or side missions or anything like that, but for one reason only: Johnny Gat. ~Sinful Glory

As those on the forums would say, QFT.

I'm loving Saints Row 2 (PS3) so far but the amount of bugs in that game are infuriating...The amount of times my game has crashed at a wardrobe or actually managed to merge two outfits together to create a Pirate-Doctor or something. And don't make me remember the time I was doing the Fuzz activity and the game told me to kill someone who was physically stuck in a solid piece of wall...I lobbed grenades and RPG rockets at that mother but to no avail...I just stood there, watching the time limit run out...It was horrible. ~Ben

Yeah, I didn't see too many glitches when I played (360) but I have heard that there have been some pretty fucking hellacious glitches. But that's no longer a bad thing, remember that we live in the age of DLC patches. We might see a patch to fix this in the very near future if enough people are put off by it.

Toddo, I didn't forget you...it's just that... Well. I got something else planned for you. Keep an eye on your email.

Working Question

It seems that E3 is returning to it's old style of actually being an event rather than a boring news conference. Even E for All is shutting down and telling people to head to E3 next year. So what's your take on it? Was E3 fine the way it's been for the last couple of years or do we really need our big loud super-con back again?



Until next time, I'm Jordan Williams...and SERIOUSLY. DO. NOT. DRINK. EVERCLEAR. STRAIGHT.