Games Only a Mother Could Love 12.18.08: Corpse Killer (Sega CD)

Posted by Mark Salmela on 12.18.2008

Corpse Killer: Saving the world, one G.I. Joe at a time…

Welcome back to another edition of Games Only a Mother Could Love. This week we tackle one of my favorite full motion video games, and yes my friends, I'm talking about Corpse Killer. But before we get on with the show, I just want to remind everyone for the second year *so much for trying to fool everyone into thinking that I'm the new guy* in a row that the Spike TV VGA awards are a complete and utter joke. GTA4 Game of the Year? But that's ok, I figured out of everyone they showed in the audience maybe half of them have a PS3 *hell I'd be surprised if half of them play games at all*. As for my game of the year? Nothing comes close to touching Metal Gear Solid 4, but that's just my opinion. And after all, I'm writing a column discussing games that are known for being complete and utter shit yet I love them, so what grounds do I have to stand on anyways? Now stop… Banner time…



Corpse Killer (1994)



For anyone who doesn't know, rail-shooter style games are one of my favorite genres of all time. I love rail shooters such as Time Crisis and House of the Dead, and I'm proud to say that I bought Time Crisis 4 for the PS3 *which will probably be the last game to use the incredibly awesome PS3 light-gun*. Add in full motion video to a rail shooter, and I'm in heaven. Corpse Killer pretty much has everything I want in a video game. Zombies, shooting, sex references, drug references, full motion video, and G.I. Joes getting electrocuted by a heroin addict.

Digital Concepts is probably the most underrated developer of all time *along with Data Design Interactive*, with classics such as Night Trap, Slam City with Scotty Pippen, and Corpse Killer, I'm surprised they aren't still in business today *I will be doing columns on Night Trap and Slam City in the near future*. By 1994 the Sega CD had already flopped along with the idea that full motion video games were the future, but thankfully Digital Pictures released Corpse Killer before going out of business.

For those unaware, Corpse Killer is a rail-shooter taking place on what I can only assume is Haiti *since voodoo is brought up quite often*. You play as a United States Marine who is dropped onto the island to do what else? Rid the world of zombies *Resident Evil doesn't have shit on Corpse Killer*. Along the way you meet up with a crazy Jamaican and a super hot reporter, whom I can guarantee has done porn before, during, and after the making of Corpse Killer. And what a whacky trio you three make as well. The Jamaican is high as hell the entire game and I'm pretty sure has no idea what's going on, and the reporter is just trying to get into your pants. But that bitch is gonna have to wait, I have job to do.

Since describing Corpse Killer doesn't actually do it justice, I'm going to play Corpse Killer and give my commentary as to what's going on at all times. In addition, I'm going to post videos of Corpse Killer *although it's not me playing*, so you'll have an idea of what's going on in case I start to ramble *which just might happen since the damned reporter won't stop trying to seduce me*.





So Corpse Killer starts off with a message from what I assume is the President, telling me what Voodoo is. I am then greeted by the opening credits, where I fall from the sky and get caught in a tree. Naturally some dude *a zombie, although you can clearly see that it's a guy in a mask* comes and starts sucking on my boot *I think he's trying to bite me, but it's not like humans/zombies have sharp enough teeth to penetrate combat boots anyways so we're going to stick with sucking*. Being the courageous hero he is, the stoned Jamaican comes driving along in his jeep, machete in hand, and manages to throw it and hit the zombie perfectly from 50 feet away. Mr. Rasta than welcomes me to hell, which makes me curious as to why he lives here if he hates it so much.

Terrible accent and all, Mr. Rasta Hat tells me to come down, which would be useful information if I wasn't caught in a tree. After several minutes of discussing world politics, we settle our differences and he cuts me down from the tree. It's as my mother always told me, if you ever get caught on a topical island, befriend the first drug addict you find.


That is quality.


I'm then shown another cut scene where I can clearly see the stoned Jamaican putting his hand on my thighs *although the camera is located just above my legs, leaving the minor details to my imagination*, telling me that I've been infected by the zombies. Mr. Rasta then pulls out a gun that clearly is a shotgun, despite the fact that you never gain access to a shotgun in the game. While holding my gun he tells me that we're going to party tonight, which only solidifies my thoughts that he's a necrophiliac *not saying that it's wrong*. Mr. Rasta then makes some joke relating me to Arnold Schwarzenegger, but his accent is so bad I can't make out what he's saying.

In true horror-movie fashion our car breaks down in the middle of nowhere as zombies slowly start approaching us. We're in no real danger though, as the zombies are moving so slow that I'd have the time to set up camp, start a fire, go fishing for food, come back, eat, repair the car, pack everything up, and drive away before the zombies would come anywhere near us. But since the stoned Jamaican disagrees with my logic, I have to get out of the car and start the game. Where the Jamaican is while I actually shoot these guys is anyone's guess, but I have my thoughts *hint, he's lighting up*.


Best friends forever!!!


So after 5 minutes of award-winning dialogue, Corpse Killer finally starts. And low and behold, I have in my possession an ak-47 with unlimited ammo and a never ending clip *although the bullets are red and circular meaning it should be a paintball gun*. If I were to gain possession of one of these in real life, I could probably win the war on terror single-handedly. Zero enemies have appeared on screen and I already have some slowdown, which is a positive in my book. Once the enemies start appearing on screen however, it becomes apparent as to why Corpse Killer is the greatest game on Earth. Hell, one of the first zombies that I encountered are what I like to refer to as the glitch zombies, where the zombie skin doesn't even appear, but rather a mess of colored sprites in a zombie model starts charging at me.


These glitch zombies! They're hacking the server!


But even better than the glitch zombies are the catapult zombies, who are launched in the air towards me doing the walking animation. It's as if the developers thought I'd get bored shooting in a straight line left and right, so it only made sense that the zombies were catapulting each other towards me as well. I can also confirm that some of the zombies launch each other so high in the air that if you don't shoot them they will fly clear over your head without ever hitting you.

Not all of the zombies run at you from the background either, some of the zombies will be walking merrily minding their own business from the left or the right part of the screen, only attacking me once I start shooting them like the asshole that I am. Since this is the first section of the game it only lasts for about a minute and I only got hit once *taking away 4 hit points out of 100* and my character model on the bottom now has a scar on his chin *but a smile on his face and a song in his heart*.

I am then greeted by another cut scene where I am back with the stoned Jamaican, who impales a zombie that was trying to give the Jamaican a friendly handshake and a hug. Heartless bastard. But as I am about to say my first words in the game the hot as hell Reporter Babe appears on screen and is immediately dazzled by my charming good looks. It is at this point that I find out that the crazy Jamaican's name is Winston, which makes my job a lot easier. We're trapped on an island with hundreds of zombies yet reporter babe still has the time to do her hair *she's looking like a fox*.

Just as the Reporter Babe is about to take off her shirt Winston makes a Driving Miss Daisy reference, making him more intelligent than 90% of video game characters *I bet Marcus Phoenix has never been to the theatre*. We then cut back to the jeep, where Winston is telling me how evil Reporter Babe is, despite her sitting in the back seat. Reporter babe starts asking me about the pentagon, but then realizes her characters motives, and makes one of the worst sex puns of all time "I bet you know how to turn it on, and I bet you know how to do a lot of things".

So after another 5 minutes of kick-ass dialogue I'm finally playing the game again. This time I'm separated from the zombies by a wooden fence, so the zombies are chucking projectiles at me. This includes knives, skulls, weird ass looking spikes balls, and live grenades. But being the MacGyver I am, I simply deflect everything away by shooting them. It's another minute long sequence, and once again I only get hit once, putting me at 92/100 health.

So we're back into cut scenes again, where Winston goes on a momentary acid trip, and drives right through the wooden fence screaming hysterically. I than get to choose between one of 4 locations as to where I go next, and I chose the swamp, since naturally zombies can't swim *at least that's what the Legion of Doom told me*.


Hey kids… Wanna see a dead body?


I'm then greeted by the heroin junkie who is behind this mess *syringe in hand*, since all heroin junkies secretly want to rule the world. He then shows me 4 hostages whom he claims that I know, who proceed to tell me that I'm coming to save them *depends whether or not it cuts into my time watching the View*. The junkie then starts beating the hostages, prompting much laughter and minimal sympathy points.

So now I'm in the swamp, where zombies can not only swim, but they can walk on water *Jesus be damned*. Well, only some of them can walk on water, since some of them are waste deep in water chucking more crap at me. I also need to mention that the zombies are getting more and more hilarious as the game goes on, since most of the zombies in the swamp are dressed in pajamas and instead of walking they doggie-paddle towards me. Either that or they dance from the left or right before doggie-paddling towards me. I also thought I'd mention that everyone in this scene also has a mullet, making the scene even more awesome *if only Guns-N-Roses would have licensed their music for this level it would have been perfect*.

These glitch zombies really piss me off, since no matter what they always hit me no matter how far away they are when I kill them *my game might be glitchy since in the video the guy isn't having the same problem, but then again he's playing the Sega CD/32X combo version that was much improved*. After the swamp sequence I'm down to about 80% health and my character is sporting some manly scars, but that doesn't stop Reporter Babe from craving me. Reporter Babe also calls Winston Rasta Man in the following cut scene, which makes her my hero *stripper hero*.



We then cut to the greatest cut scene ever in a video game, where heroin-junkie has a G.I. Joe tied to an electric chair. I can't possibly figure out what the hell he's doing, but there are random bottles of liquids surrounding my G.I. Joe companion, prompting me to think he's just on an acid trip *although I pray to god this is all an over-elaborate scheme by Cobra Commander himself to rid the world of G.I. Joes*. Hellman than tells me I'm about to face an "Electro-Posse", which nearly makes me wet myself in laughter. But the fun and games are over, as Junkie-master then electrocutes the G.I. Joe, turning him into a skeleton. Now it's personal heroin-dude…


Noooo! I will avenge you my little buddy!


I then cut to the prison yard, where old man zombies in prison outfits try to get me off their sidewalks. Being the trained Marine that I am, I quickly maul them all down and commit genocide to the entire prison. Even Rambo would be cowering in his little space boots after witnessing my mad skills. I don't escape unscratched however, as I'm down to about 50% health as my character is starting to look pretty messed up at the bottom *I think it's turning on reporter babe though*.

After another prison sequence, Winston comments on a skeleton, claiming he's "one of the lucky ones". OK? I don't know how death makes you lucky, since personally I'd enjoy being a zombie after death, but that's just me.


Fruity zombies for the win!


It is at this point that I fully cream my pants, as now the zombies are wearing pink sweaters and pink sweater vests with pink coats. Hey, they're comfortable with their sexuality, that's not a bad thing. Meanwhile back at Heroin-junkie's undisclosed location the hostages are being converted into zombies, complete with ass-kicking glowing eyes, which are cool, but defeat the purpose of me coming to save them. I think he's one of the electro-posse.

I then start fighting this electro-posse, but after about 10 seconds of shooting my comrade I'm greeted by a cut scene of him turning back into a human. Winston then comes up to us with a concoction of various hallucinetic drugs, and tells us that they'll cure our zombie infection. Throwing caution to the wind I drink up, and am thrown back into action.



Almost out of health, I thankfully arrive at the best part of Corpse Killer, and that is the beach. Because it is here that I fight the wigger zombies, and yes, I just said wigger zombies. I really feel sorry for people who claim that games today are so much better than they were 15 years ago, because there is nothing quite like mass-murdering hordes of dancing wigger zombies on a beach with pirate ships in the background. I'm telling you I honestly fell out of my chair laughing the first time I saw these zombie wiggers crip-walk their way onto the screen, and it's one of the best moments of my life. Seriously, crip-walking wigger zombies wearing maroon colored shorts, a plaid shirt, and a backwards matching maroon colored baseball hat is worth the price of a Sega Genesis, a Sega CD, and a copy of Corpse Killer alone.

Sadly after fighting the wigger zombies I always die, since the enemies get really hard. Be aware that the videos above are using cheats, since you never regain health to my knowledge and once you get hit 25 times, it's game over *and there are times where you can get hit 5 and 10 times in less than 2 seconds*. As you get down to your last couple of hits your character becomes a smiling skeleton, which if that's how I actually look, I can't believe Winston and Reporter Babe are still hanging out with me *maybe she's into necrophilia too*.


Dancing wigger zombies = automatic game of the year.


Anyways I'm going to post the videos to the final two parts of Corpse Killer, but since I can't reach them myself *be aware the Sega CD version does not have a difficulty setting like the others, so it's brutally hard* I won't be giving commentary on them. Maybe someday I'll play Corpse Killer on an emulator and use cheats to beat the game myself, but as for now, Corpse Killer has defeated me. Besides, I think you guys have gotten the point on Corpse Killer.



Part 4/5 for Corpse Killer.



The epic conclusion to Corpse Killer. Someday I swear I'll beat it, and I'll probably be the only guy in history to beat the Sega CD version without cheats *it's honestly impossible*.


The final boss.



Games only I can love

Pastry Wars (XNA)


Yes, this is what I play in my free time.


One of the sweetest additions to XNA *sorry I couldn't resist*, Pastry Wars is a no holds bar battle for survival. Taking place in the distant year of 2003, a horrible nuclear accident outside of Guadalajara, Mexico has turned the world's most delicious sweets into cold-blooded killing machines. As you'd expect, it's up to Martha Steward's illegitimate daughter to save the world. Plastic knife in hand, only your stars can defeat the rabbit beasts that have emerged from the radioactive oven.

Pastry Wars plays a lot like Space Invaders, except the devilish pastries do not ever move down the screen towards the bottom, but rather move side to side dropping donuts of doom. But all is not lost, as you are equipped with "the power of the oven" and can unleash a devastating fireball that will roast even the most powerful of donuts into harmless pieces of charcoal.

The first few levels are easy enough, with only a few rabid cupcakes, devious pies, and monstrous cakes with evil glaring eyes. It's quite a sight to behold indeed. But what won over Pastry Wars for me were the boss battles that occur every 5 levels. First off is the fiendish Giant Cake, made up of only the most evil of ingredients *that includes splenda instead of sugar and skim milk instead of whole*. But you've been training your whole life for this moment, so plastic knife in hand, you bombard the evil Giant Cake with stars to the eyes as he screams bloody murder "my eye". Once both eyes are permanently damaged, you take your rightful spot on top of the Giant Cake announcing to the world "victory is sweet". Victory is indeed sweet my darling.


Feel the power of the oven you stupid mini-Meatwads.


But things only get more difficult from there. After another 4 grueling levels it's time to take on the dastardly Flan and his cronies. With their battle cry "you baked us, so now we're going to bake you" followed by a mischievous, yet slightly erotic laugh, the Flan is no easy task to take down. But by exploiting the Flan's one weakness of standing slightly in front of him at all times shooting stars up at him, the Flan will have no choice but to walk into my stars of justice. Victory is sweet.

The next boss on level 15 is the goddess of goods herself, the Pie Lady. Standing in a sexy bikini, it's near impossible to resist Pie Lady's sexual charm. Naturally her one weakness is shooting her between her legs, and after 50 stars of abstinence to the crotch region Pie Lady is defeated, prompting yet another "victory is sweet" line from Martha Steward's daughter.

Finally, the last boss *level 20* is the evil maverick himself, the Gingerbread Man. Wearing nothing but a loin cloth that has a cupcake over the groin, the Gingerbread Man takes a wicked 100 stars to the groin to defeat *not to mention his cupcake minions are constantly spawning to get in your way*. After defeating the Gingerbread Man I am treated to one final "victory is sweet" while I pose over the defeated Gingerbread Man, and then the game starts over again from level 1. This is probably the best game to come out in December *and I already beat Prince of Persia*,


So if you're looking for an awesome way to burn 20 minutes be sure to check out Pastry Wars on the Xbox Live Community section. Like every other game on XNA you can practically get all of the enjoyment out of the game simply through the free demo, so you don't really have to pay anything if you don't want to *although for 200 Microsoft points it's a steal*.




Why must you taunt me Streets of Fury? Please come out already so I can drop out of college for you.



Alright everybody, I hope you enjoyed this week's column as much as I did. Be sure to leave me feedback, otherwise I'll fade back into obscurity leaving you with a site full of nothing but columns by the Robbins brothers. Also, keep sending in suggestions for future columns. I especially love it when you guys bring up FMV style games that I haven't played before, because you know I'm going to make it my goal in life to play every FMV game ever. Anyways feel free to come play some actual modern day games with me by adding my PSN name Fester to your list *time to get jiggy with it in Home, which sucks by the way*. I'll be back next week getting my groove thang on in Slam City with Scotty Pippen, so until next week, cya!