The Hall of Shame 12.24.08: Games That Shamefully Do Not Exist

Posted by Vincent Chiucchi on 12.24.2008

In the spirit of the holidays, this week's column is about games I wish I could have been getting, but they do not actually exist yet.

With this week being the week to feel joyous for the holidays, I'm not going to do a new induction for yet another incredibly bad game. Nope, today's column is going to be about games I wish I could be getting, but I won't be getting them anytime soon because they shamefully do not exist.

The Marvel vs. Capcom Anthology

Oh hell no.

You'd think with Capcom sucking up to it's hardcore fans so much these days with Street Fighter IV (starring SF2 characters) and Mega Man 9 (which was more like Mega Man 2.5), you'd think they bow down to the people that wanted to see another rendition of the Marvel vs. Cacpom series. While they are making another VS. arcade style fighting game, it's starring characters a lot of people aren't going to be familiar with outside of Japan.

But I don't just want Marvel vs. Capcom 2. While it's a great game in itself, sometimes I'd want to go back to when it all began with X-Men vs. Street Fighter, or play Marvel vs. Street Fighter just to check out the weirdness that is Norimaru, or play the original Marvel vs. Capcom to see all the characters that make cameos as assists. What I REALLY want is a Marvel vs. Capcom Anthology!

Just imagine how great it would be if we had a Marvel vs. Capcom Anthology. No more having to track down mom and pop video game stores to find these copies! No more trying to find an Arcade that still carry these games! No more will I have to dust off my Saturn and buy working RAM carts just so I can play my old imported copies! No more having to pay hundreds on eBay! For the price of $50 to $60, I can easily obtain four of the best arcade fighting games on one nice shiny disc!

I'm definitely sure that this collection would sell by the millions if Capcom made it. So what are they waiting for?!

So why doesn't it exist?

Because Capcom doesn't have the license to use Marvel characters. This is also the reason why we still don't have a Marvel vs. Capcom 3, so instead Capcom is teaming up with Tatsunoko. Since many of Tatsunoko's works being represented are 70's animé that a lot of people here have no idea about, the odds are seeing an English version of this game are slim, so unless you can mod the Wii to play Japanese games, us American fans of the VS. series are really screwed.

What bothers me is that why doesn't Capcom try to take the Marvel license back just for one more game. I assumed they couldn't because EA had the license to make Marvel fighting games, but the studio behind it went under. Plus I don't think the license of Marvel itself is exclusive because Activision made Marvel: Ultimate Alliance. Whatever the case may be, I hope Capcom and Marvel can work out a deal with each other so I can see my 4 Marvel VS. series games on one disc.

As for why I'd rather want this than Marvel vs. Cacpom 3, I ask of you...do we REALLY need a MvsC 3? Aside from a graphics upgrade like in TvsC, what do we need to change about MvsC 2? A lot of people would probably answer "Roster Update," but I don't think that's necessary. The game already has 56 different characters to choose from (or rather 55, because I see no big difference between the two Wolverines). While it would be cool to see some of Capcom's later characters appear such as Dante, Viewtiful Joe, and Amaterasu, are they REALLY going to add anything to the game?

Marvel vs. Capcom 2 was a great fighting game. Let's not make an unnecessary sequel of it. Instead, let's see it re-released packaged with the three games that came before it.

Super Mario featuring the extended cast

Remember Wario as a boss in a Mario game?

Despite Mario whoring himself out to nearly every genre imaginable, the reason he's still so popular is because his true games, the platforming adventure games like Mario Sunshine and Mario Galaxy, are still so great to play. But what sort of bothers me is how in these games, it's like the only characters that exist are the big six (Mario, Luigi, Peach, Toad, Yoshi, Bowser) and whatever characters they come up with for the worlds Mario travels to. The rest are only seen in sports games and party games, and for some, that's the only role they ever have in life. I mean, look at Waluigi! He's supposed to be Luigi's rival and supposedly Wario's brother, but he has never appeared in a true Mario game. Hell I don't even think he appears in a Wario game, where that would actually make much more sense. The same can also be said for Daisy, Toadette, and plenty of other characters.

So you know what? When the next Mario platforming game comes out, would it be too hard for Nintendo to somehow come up with a way that incorporates these characters in a non-throwaway manner? How about on top of fighting Bowser as a boss, you also had to fight Wario, Waluigi, and maybe even Donkey Kong? Have Mario rescue more then just Peach, like Princess (what the hell is she princess of anyway) Daisy? Give the other characters like Luigi and Yoshi they're own playable role!

I'm sure that if the characters were given the right roles, it could be a truly new and awesome Mario game.

So why doesn't it exist?

What better way to point out how this idea can fail miserably then by pointing at the guy who used to be on the same and even above the level of Mario: Sonic the Hedgehog. Look at Sonic games over the past several years. The more characters from Sonic's universe that Sega keeps putting in the games, the more the games turn out to suck. Plus the new characters that Sega keeps coming up for this series are just absolutely pointless because they don't add anything new. Did we really need a second Cream kind of character with that raccoon? Did we really need to give Sonic his own talking fairy mystical thing in Zelda Sonic Unleashed? Do we really ever need to see the Chaotix characters ever again?

Perhaps it's better off that the Mario platforming games focus on the big six rather then trying to shove everybody else in it as well. I mean some characters really don't belong in those games at all. Baby Daisy, Nintendo? Seriously?

Stand-Up Comedy: The Game

Who wouldn't want a game where you can be like this man?

Stand-Up Comedy may seem like one of the easiest things to do, but becoming a really good comedian takes a lot of practice and skill, or at least finding audiences dumb enough to think you're actually funny. It's one of those professions almost everybody thinks about trying at one point in there lives, but then move on or something they can actually achieve once they realize the hardships some comedians have to go through.

So why not cut out all the hardship crap and get to what makes it so fun by turning it into a video game!

I envision that a Stand-Up Comedy a video game would be a lot like Guitar Hero. The career mode would have you start off at some open mic night in some bar or coffee shop, then work your way up the ladder to parties, late night talk show acts, half-hour TV specials, and then finally reaching the acclaimed HBO Uncut Special. The audiences would also differ in each venue you go to, so one joke that really killed the crowd at one place could possibly cause you to bomb at another, perhaps even kick you out if it's so offensive that the cops have to arrest you for it. This could also make for a great party games for big crowds by having the audience of players decide who was really the funniest out of everybody else.

Oh yeah, a Stand-Up Comedy would definitely be awesome.

So why doesn't it exist?

The whole point of stand-up is to get people to laugh at what you're saying by using proper timing, the right tone of voice, and saying something that's supposed to be funny. That doesn't quite transition well to a video game. Using proper tone and timing would be no problem because it'd be like any other singing game, but what about saying something that's actually funny? How could the AI tell if your jokes are either fresh, dated, or just absolutely stupid?

The only way I can think of for compensating this flaw is by having the jokes said be stuff from other comedians, but then that would mean you're doing impersonations rather then Stand-Up Comedy, and I don't think "Impersonations: The Game" would actually be any fun. I guess you could include a feature where you can make your own jokes and send them to other people to judge (like in Guitar Hero: World Tour), but then again, you can never trust online gamers will be honest about your material.

In short, making a stand-up comedy game would be too complicated to work out. But should it ever be real, I'll immediately make a reservation at the closest video game store not called GameStop.

Have Happy Holidays everyone. May the games you get not be shovelware of any kind.