What If? 01.06.09 Fat Chicks and Video Game Politics

Posted by Greg Bruno on 01.06.2009

A nation of fat chicks? Master Chief for President? All this and more as Greg Bruno presents Week 3 of What If?

What If Week 3


I hope everyone enjoyed their respective holidays as much as my dog did.



Weird.

Anyway, put down your new toys. Yea, that one too. I don't care if it vibrates, put it down and pay attention.

This week we have John Curry who joins us from the MMA channel of 411Mania. John is the former writer of The Checkpoint, game reviewer, the current writer of The Ground and Pound MMA column, MMA interviewer extraordinaire, currently working on a large Agent article, boxing contributor ("Ghost"ly expectations) and event reviewer. He is like the republican government, his hands are in everyone's pockets and they never even know it

Greg Bruno composes What If? and The Gamer Girlfriend. Check back next week to see what game Andi will be playing and what she thinks about it!

Vincent Chiucchi writes the Select and Start News Report for Mondays and on Wednesdays he talks about horrible games, systems, and more in The Hall of Shame.


Travis politely asks "What If we had a true "Video Game Mascot" showdown competition, which mascots would you use as your beating stick and why?"

John Curry
Ah Travis, you sly dog you. It's tricky to determine what qualities you need to have an ass kicking mascot. It has to be a sign of strength, yet must have intelligence, and look damn intimidating. It must be something that when it comes on screen people automatically go that is one bad ass video gamer. In the end there can only be one person who strikes fear in all of those who know him, is dedicated to the gaming world, shows no care or concern and will do whatever it takes to win. My selection for the Ultimate "Video Game Mascot" belongs to………

Eric Cartman.
Come on. The guy fits exactly what I said the requirements are. He is a symbol of strength as he has created a legion of anti-Semitists, built a Shakey's out of aborted fetuses, and survived being dropped into Africa with Sally Struthers (how many people can say that?). He has fed his enemy his own parents. Tell me one video game mascot who has fed his enemy his own parents. It is with this being said that he is my Mascot. Long live the Cartman.

Vincent Chiucchi
Sonic the Hedgehog. Because these days, whenever Sonic is around, you know he'll be followed around by the dozen or so sidekicks that show up unwanted in his games. In a showdown however, having a crew back you up is a big advantage. Not to mention as long as Sonic has one ring on him, he will never freaking die.

Greg Bruno
You know that part in the Lion King on SNES where all the colors go crazy and you have to swing from the fucking hippo's tails to reach the monkeys who flip you? And all you keep hearing is "Just Can't Wait To Be King" in MIDI format? I want to beat that with a baseball bat until it bleeds. I want to kill it until it's dead.
Anyway, if I had to pick an actual mascot, I'd slay Crash Bandicoot. He's useless and should be violently shaken like a baby by a teen father.

Reality asks "What if the next generation of consoles moved towards touch screens and 3D virtual reality replacing traditional controllers?"

John Curry
Honestly, with the popularity of the iTouch and the iPhones and other i's this and that's I have to say that this is probably what game production companies are working on. Unfortunately for us they are working on these. I mean come on how would that ever work out with the games that we play now? Could you really play COD5 or God of War on a touch screen with any real accuracy or have games that are next generation quality? No. I mean look at the DS and Wii. Yeah there are some good games out there for these systems but nothing graphically advanced and nothing too physically competitive and challenging. Look at Virtual Gameboy for you answer to the 3D.

Vincent Chiucchi
Then everyone would go "Damn it Nintendo! Why is it for this console you had to have touch screens and 3D virtual reality replacing traditional controllers? I'd rather buy the $2000 PlayStation 4 then that!"

But on the off chance that touch screens and 3D Virtual Reality becomes the norm for the next generation, casual games would probably become so popular that hardcore gaming almost becomes obsolete. For hardcore gaming, gamers would have to get into much better shape to play such genres like platforming or fighting or first person shooting. A lot of companies would probably make simpler games and people play that instead because of a less chance for injury. Worse thing about a VR scenario? The moment there's a school shooting, games will get blamed by everybody because the "My (retarded) kid didn't know the difference between reality and fantasy!" excuse would be accepted.

Greg Bruno
I'd stop playing new video games unless Playboy released a game. Yea, it's that simple.


Beige Demon asks "What If EA Sports decided to release the Madden games every other year instead of yearly?"

John Curry
No one would care except those people who are suckered into buying it every year. I would actually like to see them release them every two years as maybe they would put some more emphasis on making the best possible game they can. Until the last couple of years, Madden was just a rehash of the previous year with updated rosters. The reality is though all of these fans of the series would probably go on strike and threaten to kill everyone who had any part of the move to make the game biannual. Madden fans are freaks. They are the 2nd worse type of game freaks only rivaled by the Sony freaks who think the PS3 is the greatest thing ever.

Vincent Chiucchi
Considering EA still have the NFL license, I'd say two years between each Madden would barely make a difference game wise. Financial wise EA would probably lose a lot of money considering Madden is always a top seller, so they would either have to rely on their other games to pick up the major gap or start laying off people. The only major difference that I can see with sports games is if they released only one version of that game, then offered updated rosters, stats, and other stuff through downloadable content.

Greg Bruno
Madden games are like a box of chocolates with a label on the front. You know exactly what you're going to get. Not a whole lot changes from year to year so I believe that a year in between games would certainly increase the chances for a more varied game experience that previous installments. Sure, at its core it's always going to be a football game, and there's not a whole lot you can tweak in terms of gameplay and rules (until the NFL finally listens to me and allows cheerleaders to be used as quarterbacks at every third down). Oh, and by the way, go Bears. So what, their season is over? I'll say it again just because you thought that. GO BEARS.


Circus K asks "What If 'fat princess' caught on as a trend and lead to a nation of fat chicks?"

John Curry
Ummm….isn't America already a nation of not only fat chicks but fat people? Kinda hard to be a trend when it already happens.

Vincent Chiucchi
I'd say the nation would be a better place. Hell, I'll take a fat chick over any of those superficial skinny ones that decided to go on a diet of crumbs and half a can of diet soda. Plus fat chicks are more brutally honest in telling the truth, and these days the more people that are honest the better. So you know what? I'm going to buy fat princess in an effort to better our nation, and you should too.

Greg Bruno
Everyone is beautiful on the inside. Actually, it's more drippy and gooey than beautiful, but you get my drift.
A nation of fat chicks, you say? Well, like John said, the majority of America is tipping the scale, so I don't know if anyone would really notice. So, Circus K, looks like all you have to do is wander to your local (insert fast food establishment here) and pick your choice. The big ones like it when people talk to them.


Two Princesses. That's their castle...yea...the truck.


Gun Artist asks "What If Mario, Master Chief, and Kratos ran for president in 2012? What would their views on economy, abortion, etc.?"

John Curry
Ummm the country would be screwed. Let's see here. Mario couldn't run because he is not an American citizen (He's an Italian) and if he was he would be a blue collared worker who is anti abortion and anti gay marriage, and believes that the economy could handle itself. He is the republican candidate and slogan is "Mario the Plumber" (Come on that was too easy) Master Chief would be the quasi democrat. Believes in helping everyone and has military service to back it up. Kratos is the Ron Paul of this group. All would lose to the super ticket of VP Snake and President Elect Kirby.

Vincent Chiucchi
I actually did something like this for my Select and Start News Report the day before the election. So who better to answer this then me?

Mario would give us a great economy because it's easy as pie for him to get money. All he has to do with go around smashing floating question mark blocks and we're good to go. Also, Mario can relate to the blue collar people because of the many jobs he's had to work in life. Who WOULDN'T want to get behind and support Mario the Plumber? On the down side, his administration is abysmal. Luigi is a pussy, Wario is a thief, Yoshi eats everything in sight, all the Mushroom people outside of Toad are worthless, and as professional wrestler Delirious puts it, "Peach is a tramp." Still though, I'd definitely vote for the guy.

Master Chief would encourage having a strong military with his campaign slogan "I need a weapon." Although no matter how good of a military we have, other nations are going to start questioning why 99% of our soldiers think it's funny to put their genitals in their fallen foes mouths. His foreign policy experience would be a big boost considering the allies he's had to form over the years to achieve world/galaxy/universal peace. However, Chief's ultimate downfall would be the fact that he never takes off his helmet. Imagine how the media would treat this guy just because he wears a helmet to hide his identity. A Mask? A Disguise? A Terrorist Bike Helmet?

As for Kratos...I think no matter what this guys views are, nobody is ever going to vote for him because he has anger issues, and as this country gets more pussified by the day, anger issues are the first thing people look at. Because of these issues, Kratos has no chance no matter how good of a politician he may be.

Greg Bruno
Ugh, politics and video games should never get in bed together, but if they did, I hope it's a memory foam bed. That way everyone is comfortable as long as they don't look each other in the eyes.

Mario would probably help our foreign relations policy. Although all he'd import is mushrooms and that would lead to a messy court situation.

Master Chief wouldn't say much. His Presidential Addresses would pretty much just be him sitting at his desk looking directly into the camera and it would be on every channel. You'd get bored.

Kratos would be way too fucken dramatic. We'd have to carry around Playstation controllers and continuously press the square button to keep him from vetoing certain bills. I feel like Kratos got picked on a lot as a child. Anyone else with me on that one?

Also, Vince said "pussified." He gets my vote.

Another week, another mind blowing edition of What If has been released upon the masses. Leave your own questions in the comments section to be used in future editions of What If. You can go back to playing what that…new…umm…toy.