What I Hate About You 1.14.08: Jack Thompson

Posted by John De Large on 01.14.2009

I'm sort of late, but I've got someone you'll hate. Oompa, loompa, doopity doo!

Okay, last time I found out that everyone isn't interested in what I'm playing. I thought I'd post my playlist and people would react to it by telling me that they liked or hated whatever game I'm playing, but that didn't work, so here's something even more different:

GAMERTAG HALL OF FAME
Anyone who games on Xbox LIVE gets a distinct screen name known as a Gamertag. Like an AOL screen name you can pretty much choose whatever screen name you want. For example, I chose JDLXYZ as my tag, the first part is obvious, while the second part is an allusion to the "company," that'll be producing my game (if we can finish it!).

Sometimes, you'll be playing COD 4 or Gears (or maybe you'll have some taste and play TF 2 or Fable 2) and you'll get killed by a guy in a really annoying way. Instead of cursing him out or calling him out on a potential bitch move, you just laugh, because his Gamertag is the funniest thing ever.

This part of the column is dedicated to gamers with the best Gamertags. Feel free to hit me up with your own personal favorite Gamertags and maybe they'll make my list below:

BEST OF THE BEST
CarltonBanks
FussyMr Kittenz
f00d
I Dont WantAIDS
ShootHimNotMe
ShootMeNotHim
This game sucks
Bronze medal: Sac Muffin
Runner up: Crunchy Ass Hairs
Winrar is you!: Atomic handjob

Also:

JDL APPROVED!
1. The Axe Dark Chocolate spray. Ever wanted to smell like a hooker quick? Get dis.

2. Applebee's 10 oz. steak burger. Ever wanted to get full fast? This burger will help you achieve The Itis faster than 10 burgers at that other crap eatery. Eat dis.

Now onto the hate.

While some of you will disagree with my hatred of heroes from the 7 year old, emo and wuss varieties and my intense disappointment towards GTA, there is something we should all hate.



This man is Jack Thompson, he's an attorney who has made it his business to fuck video games up for you and me. His main beef is with any video game that features violence. In his "crusade," I feel that he means to make gaming something to be ashamed of. Because it so happens that people who've committed murder owned video games, Jack wants to find a connection between video games and violence. He's even gone so far to peg video games as implements of murder in the real world.

With his "crusade," against video games, Jack Thompson wants people to associate fake, cartoon-ish murder with real murder.

Jack Thompson wants to take away something you look forward to, something you love and make you hide it, resent it, regret it.

Jack Thompson, this is What I Hate About You.

THE BEGINNING
From Cleveland, Ohio, Jack Thompson attended both Dennison U and Vanderbilt Law before becoming a lawyer, fund-raiser for Christians, avid church go-er and born again Christian. In 1990, after doing nothing of repute for his entire life up to that point, he lost to Janet Reno in an election for state prosecutor, then tried to out her as gay, while cockblocking anyone who had anything to do with her. He also failed to "get some of that." (More on that in the quotes section)


He failed to hook up with that? Ew, I'm not sure who was spared the embarrassment.

Jack then proceeded to BAWWWW over the popularity of rap music, attributing everything wrong in life to the success of then super group 2 Live Crew.


These guys.

When people ceased to give a shit about 2 Live Crew, Jack turned his attention to video games, trying desperately to blame them for violent tragedies. To Jack, any dumb kid who lacked parental supervision and picked up a gun was a sick depraved child turned cold blooded murderer because of video games like Doom, Resident Evil and anything that had even featured a gun or blood.


Look! Fire coming from his hands! EVIL!

Jack's favorite tactic was to take the side of the craptacular parents whose kid shuffled off their mortal coil and sue everybody he could. If the kid owned a violent video game, he wanted to sue the makers of said video game. If the the kid had a violent movie, the people involved with the movie got sued. Jack sued the companies for negligence and for making defective products (he counted being violent a defect!).

Luckily, most of Jack Thompson's claims and suits would be dismissed when Jack would fail to "present a legally recognizable claim."

THE STUPIDITY
Jack would go on to pick fights with Rockstar, makers of Grand Theft Auto. Almost every kid who involved in a violent crime or murder owned Grand Theft Auto. Unfortunately for him, so many kids owned Grand Theft Auto it was impossible for him to prove it drove kids to commit murder. His argument is flawed, by his logic, you could say that drinking water or products with water in them makes kids violent killers.

Most notably and most hilariously, Thompson's services have been denied by those he has offered to defend. After a 16 year old boy killed a girl and was found to have owned a copy of Grand Theft Auto 3, Thompson begged to be the boy's defense attorney.



The kid came to his senses and told Thompson to fuck off, withdrawing a previous insanity plea. Even the kids mother dismissed Thompson's help after talking to her son and making peace with the murder he'd committed.

THE FAILURE
After years and years of unsuccessfully scapegoating video games, Jack Thompson was eventually disbarred for being a moron and for... well, not acting like a lawyer. Thompson faced many court violations, 31 to be exact. Of these 31 violations, Thompson was found guilty of 27 violations. According to judges, Thompson lied in a court of law (see also: committing perjury), attempted to humiliate and harass witnesses (which is sort of a lawyer's job if Law and Order is to be believed).

So, for being a liar, a cheat and a thief, all the lawyers and judges got together with their big and powerful robes, briefcases and mustaches. Once they decided "Yep, that is not Eddie Guerrero," they kicked Jack Thompson out of their prestigious club, moving to disbar him and fine him more than $43,000.


It's official, you SUCK. Peace out homie!

Now Jack Thompson sits at home disgraced, jobless. He threatens legal action against anyone who taunts him (like the fan in the quotes section). Meanwhile, video games have gone on to entertain millions. One day, the world will be shut of this man and video games will still be being made long after he's gone.

THE QUOTES
Don't believe that Jack is a pillock? Let him help you decide with some THINGS HE ACTUALLY SAID!

"We intend to hurt Hollywood. We intend to hurt the video game industry. We intend to hurt the sex porn sites."
Sex porn site is about as redundant as saying reptile lizard store. This whole quote sounds like a hilarious version of something a villain from an 80's cartoon would say, except out of order. You wouldn't hear the Shredder say: "First the city, then the world, then the state!" Jack Thompson on the other hand, has it backwards, glorifying "sex porn," placing it above two multi billion dollar industries like the loon he is.

"Murder simulators are not constitutionally protected speech. They're not even speech. They're dangerous physical appliances that teach a kid how to kill efficiently and to love it."
I don't love killing people in games and I don't know many kids that do. If I liked doing nothing more than killing people in video games, I would've played Painkiller for more than 5 minutes. Killing people can be a hilarious detour or a good way to blow off steam, but for me and a lot of other gamers, there's other reasons we buy games. Games are about story, a good soundtrack, comedy, the ability to live out a fantasy, the ability to insert oneself into an otherwise fantastic situation. Younger gamers look forward to graphics, characters they're familiar with, gameplay that incorporates some kind of new technology or fuzzy Pokemon. Video games are about enjoyment, not mindless killing. It just so happens that video games sometimes include mindless killing.

"Mental masturbation." (How Jack Thompson describes video games)
It must be his repressed "Christian" background that allows him to associate everything bad with sex.


Only this guy masturbates to video games and guns and the thought of guns in video games.

"In every school shooting, we find that kids who pull the trigger are video gamers."
I wonder what his excuse'll be when an Amish kid shoots up his school?

"I have sent my opponents pictures of Batman to remind them I'm playing the role of Batman. Just like Bruce Wayne helped the police in the movie, I have had to assist the sheriff of Broward County."


Uh-oh, look out Christian Bale!

"It's like Pearl Harbor 2." (How Jack Thompson describes the spread of Sony's games and influence)
....Why haven't the veterans torn him a new asshole for comparing steady sales of video games to a national tragedy? If he still had a job (SPOILER!) or was worth anything, I'd mail this to the VFW or something.

"It (the Playstation 2 controller) gives you a pleasurable buzz back into your hands with each kill. This is operant conditioning, behavior modification right out of B. F. Skinner's laboratory." (Jack Thompson after his Intro to Psych class in at the local Community College)
As a psych major someone with common sense, I disagree. The buzz is a reaction to any significant force, not just killing. The controller vibrates if health is restored (Metal Gear Solid), a jump is made (many games) or there is some kind of strong movement (Tony Hawk games). The buzz is also not pleasurable, because no one is taping the controller to their dicks like you, Jack!

"The 'social commentary' on this album is akin to a sociopath's discharging his AK-47 into a crowded schoolyard, with the machine gun bursts interrupted by Pee-wee Herman's views on politics." (Jack Thompson on 2 Live Crew's Banned In The U.S.A.)
Okay, I throw my hands up, that statement is funny and is possibly the only thing he's ever been good for.

Also, what's wrong with Pee-wee Herman's view on politics? I hear he's very knowledgeable on the subject.

THE THINGS OTHER PEOPLE HAVE SAID ABOUT HIM
STILL don't hate him? Here's what others think of him.

"I'm only interested in virile men. That's why I'm not attracted to you." - Janet Reno, it was claimed BY Jack Thompson that Janet Reno said this.

"Your conduct is inappropriate, unprofessional, and contemptible." - Judge Ronald Friedman

"Guilty of engaging in conduct involving dishonesty, fraud, deceit or misrepresentation." - Judge Dava Tunis

"You know, that power tripping lawyer from Miami who thinks video games are the devil and solely responsible for human stupidity?" - Ctrl+Alt+Del

"i will will rape you in the night. my guitar hero game told me to" - A Jack Thompson fan

"He's basically anti-Rockstar." - Ramon, my editor.

"He's a pillock, a moron." - Me, a reputable source

THE LEGACY
What's left behind? For all of his squabbling, ranting and failed attempts at money and fame, what did Jack Thompson inspire?

This game.

WHAT YOU CAME FOR
Last week's edition of Fuck Marry Kill saw less of a turn out, with only a few people playing (myself included). That's understandable, since FF8 didn't have a more discuss-able cast of female characters. Since one vote was disqualified, an even number of people chose to marry Rinoa and Quistis, with one person choosing to marry Selphie (ew). One thing was certain though, no one wanted Rinoa dead, while everyone else could live with killing Quistis or Selphie. In light of this, Rinoa is the winner of last weeks game, joining Tifa in the Winner's Circle.

With the last two games revolving around FF7 and FF8, I bet you're waiting for me to pull the FF9 card, right?

Well, I haven't really played FF9 yet, so I can't lust after that particular cast or put them up for judgment. Instead, let me introduce three fictional females I'm sure everyone would like to judge:


YUNA


LULU


RIKKU

In the words of John C. Reilly from Step Brothers: "Ya gotta fuck one, kill one, marry one! Go!"
(Note: You cannot repeat choices, thanks!)

So Jack Thompson, if you're reading this I'm John De Large and this is What I--
What Gamers Hate About You.