The Hall of Shame 01.28.09: The Shameful Box Art Awards

Posted by Vincent Chiucchi on 01.28.2009

The Hall of Shame gives dishonors to those that disappoint us based on the cover alone.

The first thing you see when buying a new game is the box art. The box art's job is to look good enough that it catches your eye and you want to check it out, or to give you an idea of what the game is about. Some box art however fails to do that. Sometimes the box art will have nothing to do with the actual game. Sometimes they will but they look like absolute crap. Then there are ones that really make you say "What the fuck?"

Today in the Hall of Shame, some of those games will get dishonored with The Shameful Box Art Awards.

THE "FOREIGN DEVILS" AWARD FOR MOST UNECCESSARY CHANGES OF BOX ART TO SATISFY AMERICANS

THE KIRBY SERIES


Because it worked SO WELL for Shadow The Hedgehog...

Kirby is supposed to be a lovable, child friendly character, which to us Americans means that there is no way in hell we're ever going to play the Kirby games. Our heroes need to look like badasses who can take out anybody they want and doesn't take any shit. A game starring a pink smiling ball in a fantasy world? Who would EVER want to play such a game? Upon realizing this, the developers decided to make sure Kirby looked angry enough on the box art so that we ignorant Americans would actually play such a great platforming series overlooked by America's hatred of cute characters.

But wait...is any of that actually true though?

You'd think so if you saw how Kirby's box art is changed for really no reason. Kirby has been around for about 20 years, and in those years he's never had to use a fake tough guy face in order to get our attention. Sometime into the Gamecube/GBA era of Kirby games, the box art was altered to add angry eyebrows in order to make Kirby look like a tough guy. What is it about us American gamers that makes the Japanese think that we're only going to buy a game if the main character is anything but innocent looking?

The next logical step for the next Kirby boxart will be to add either guns, a giant sword, or make him a spiky haired feminine character.

THE "LOST IN TRANSLATION" AWARD FOR WORST BOX ART CHANGE FROM ONE COUNTRY TO ANOTHER

DONKEY KONG IN MEXICO


So Mario means Clown in Spanish?

Back in the Atari days many of the box arts can be considered bad, but that was during a time when you had to use your imagination to know what those pixelated dots were supposed to represent, so I can let that slide. However, what the hell was Mexico imaging when they saw Donkey Kong and came up with THIS? Mario, instead of looking like a fat blue collar worker, is a clown, and Donkey Kong is some kind of mutant frog with a green mohawk, a drill on it's forehead, and is riding on a raft. This thing is so different from Mario that I'm thinking the people over in Mexico was confusing this game with something else. Either that or apparently Donkey Kong means "Orange Drill Frog."

THE "JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER" AWARD FOR GAME AUTOMATICALLY CONSIDERED BAD BASED ON THE BOX ART

KARNAAJ RALLY


Is this a racing game or a story about a man domestically abused by his car?

This game has received cult status because of Seanbaby's review of the game in an issue of EGM many years ago. Seanbaby never actually played the game, but automatically assumed it was horrible based just on the box art. Usually that would be considered unprofessional writing, but seriously, just look at that thing!

The first problem with this game is the word "KARNAAJ". Is that supposed to be an alternate spelling of the word "Carnage"? If so, that is a really horrible spelling. The K replacing C is so overdone, there are too many A's, and it ends with a J. That's an alternate spelling for DISASTER. The second problem, and this is where it really turns people off, is the guy on the front. The color clashing blue hair and orange shirt is bad enough, but then you've got those eyes that makes him look like he's suffered from DV. How, in any way possible, was this supposed to make me think this was a racing game and that I would love to play it?

Recently Jaleco, the makers of this...thing, has decided to leave the game business due to increasing competition. How they didn't leave the moment this garbage was released is amazing.

THE "WHAT DRUGS ARE YOU ON" AWARD FOR MOST TRIPPIEST BOX ART

THE BUST-A-MOVE SERIES


Would you believe these games are related to Bubble Bobble?

My favorite genre of video games is the puzzle genre, and one of my favorite puzzle games is Bust-A-Move, one of the reasons is because it has the dinos from Bubble Bobble, a huge favorite game of mine. What I don't like about Bust-A-Move however are the morons who come up with box art that would turn anyone not familiar with the games immediately away.

Bust-A-Move 3 has those male and female signs floating around, which last time I checked does not actually apply to a game of shooting matching colored bubbles.

Super-Bust-A-Move has a baby wearing sunglasses and has something in his mouth (or has really awful lips), and the actually shots of gameplay is reduced to two small sections of the front cover. These days with baby shovelware crap taking up retail space, you'd almost confuse this game for being part of that crap.

Bust-A-Move 2 features images that was supposed to belong on the cover of a survival-horror game, but in some wacky sitcom fashion, the two were accidentally switched. Meanwhile, some kids are freaking out when they're puzzle game is trying to eat them. Also, having the tagline "So addictive it should be illegal" means you really want to fail.

I probably shouldn't be surprised Bust-A-Move had horrible box art. After all, it was done by the company that thought advertising in graveyards and naming babies Turok were brilliant concepts.

THE "WHAT DOES THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE ACTUAL GAME" AWARD FOR MOST CONFUSING BOX ART

PHALANX


Because when I think space shooters, I think hillbillies.

Here are all the possible words I think of when associating with "Space Shooter Video Game"

-Space
-Stars
-Ships
-R Type
-Galaxian
-Lasers
-Power ups
-Aliens
-Planets
-Charge shots
-Bases (which are belong to others)

Notice on that list that the words "Hillbilly", "Farmer", and "Banjo" do not appear? Either I'm failing to realize what space shooters have anything to do with hillbillies, or the people who decided to do this cover decided to pick the most random idea that first came to mind. Or maybe because they knew they had a mediocre space shooter on their hands and decided to make it memorable the same way we all remember Zero Wing for THAT quote.

Speaking of things coming to mind, what's the first thing you think of when you see the original Japanese cover?



I think I know why the came is called "PHALANX" now.

THE "JUST SCREW IT" AWARD FOR EXTREMELY LAZY BOX ART

EVERY GAME FOR THE SEGA MASTER SYSTEM


When you decide to use clip art for your games, that's just lazy.

I don't Sega ever really gave a damn about the Sega Master System. I mean not only do they give the manufacture rights to Tonka, they don't even bother trying anything for the covers of their games. Most games look like they have clip art pasted in the corner. Others look like they were horribly drawn. Some simply have a hand holding the cartridge of the game! Sega might as well have had blank covers with cheap labels of the names on them.

THE "LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT" AWARD FOR CONSTANTLY BAD BOX ART

THE MEGA MAN SERIES


Only with Mega Man does having horrible box art be considered a great thing.

When it comes to mentioning the worst box art of all time, many (if not everyone) will have the original Mega Man cover as number one. The blue bomber with an arm cannon getting suddenly replaced by a middle-man monkey looking guy in yellow armor holding a hand gun? Only a game as good as Mega Man can get away with such an atrocity.

But it didn't stop there, as the same thing would happen with the sequel. Instead of having golden armor, this Mega Man has a helmet with an eyeshield, still has a laser gun, and is joined by a crappy looking Quick Man and a really gay Clash Man. Mega Man 2 would not only look horrible in America, but Europe as well, where Mega Man is viewed as some kind of silver knight. At least they remembered he has an arm cannon.

With the 8-bit sequel Mega Man 9 coming out nearly 20 years later, Capcom decided to go back to its roots by giving the game a box art so bad that if we didn't already know how infamous Mega Man was with box art, we'd have thought that Capcom had lost their god damned mines. Mega Man is back to looking like a middle-aged man holding a laser gun, has an outfit even worse then the guy on the Mega Man 1 cover, and Dr.Wily looks like some kind of robotic zombie. This box art looks like an absolute piece of shit, and because of that, the Mega Man fans loved it.

From creating a golden armored monkey to some half-assed knight to a zombified Dr.Wily creating robots through human experiment in his seven separate robot societies, Mega Man and bad box art go hand-in-hand like peanut butter and jelly.