What If? 02.20.09: Bizzaro Jack Thompson, WOW Fanboys, More

Posted by Greg Bruno on 02.20.2009

It's fan appreciation week!



Welcome to fan appreciation week here at What If? If you've been following the column, you'll notice one particular reader has been diligent and headstrong in posting comments after the column. Travis, after being publicly owned in Week 2, has come to the dark side and has asked many questions for the column. So, to reward him for his continued patronage, Travis has been given the ability to ask all of this week's questions.

This week we have Mathew Sforcina and Armando Rodriguez.

Mathew Sforcina, formerly of the 411 Wrestling's 'Acclaimed' column the Evolution Schematic, and now he's currently Ask 411 Wrestling's Trivia Master.

Armando Rodriguez has recently written a preview for MLB 09 The Show. Check it out.

WHAT IF an attorney became the bizzaro side of Jack Thompson and started to crusade for Video Games (not just violent ones), would we finally see our favorite medium finally start to get the respect it deserves? Would Jack Thompson lose it? Who would the new Video Game spokesman be?

Mathew Sforcina
No, for the simple fact that Jack's so far one way his exact opposite would be just as bad. I mean, every minority group and lobby faction has it's nut-jobs, Video Games one of the few groups that doesn't have a hardcore group that goes out there and makes asses out of themselves. If there was an Anti-Jack, he'd just spend all day arguing with Regular Jack on Fox News and such. Video Games do not need protest marches, it doesn't need A&E docos about how we're mistreated, and all it needs is time. Because sooner, rather than later, you'll get a majority of those in power having grown up around video games, and having played at least one, even if it's just Tetris. And when that day comes, we have won, my friend.

Oh, and this hypothetical VG Lawyer of justice?



Oh yes.

Armando Rodriguez
One day Bill Gates will wake up and decide to defend video games because otherwise, his new Xbox brand is screwed. So he starts collecting scientific studies that prove the virtue of video games. Jack Thompson is outraged, OUTRAGED! and challenges Gates to a fight. They go into Celebrity Death match, where Thompson walks down the aisle decked in Captain America gear. Of course, absolutely no one knows who the heck Jack Thompson is. Gates wins by bringing a truck full of 360's that have been discarded because of the Red Ring of Death and dumping them on top of Thompson, burying him and his ideals forever.

Seriously, as crazy as Thompson is, anyone who opposes him will be crazier. Let's face it, much like professional wrestling, video games will never get any respect. We all have to realize that "The Man" needs something to blame for their own inability to govern this country. Plus, it will bring only more publicity for Mr. Thompson because at least then he would have a legitimate reason to be on TV every week.

Greg Bruno
Hmm, the last time I mentioned good ol'Jack, I was delivered some angry e-mails from him. I think I'll avoid it this time and just say that Zack Johnson will be our video game savior. Who's he? Oh, he's Jack's doppelganger.



WHAT IF you had five minutes alone, with no legal ramifications with a developer of your choosing?

Mathew Sforcina
Oooh, tough. I mean, I'm sure there's at least one developer with a few hot chicks on staff, but that's low brow and not at all appropriate and I couldn't find one that advertised said fact. Popcap would be a good idea, take them out and return the casual game market to the bedroom programmers where it belongs. And certainly Sonic Team needs to be cleansed with fire and salt. But I believe I'll take Bethesda Softworks, with the 5 minutes taking place near a laptop with access to all the world's money, so I can give them lots of funding and they can make lots more games like Fallout 3 except since I'm not paying it with what I want, which is pretty close to what it is now, but bigger and with more explosions and Victoria from WWE in it because I love her and who are you to judge me???

Armando Rodriguez
Probably it would be with the entire team that made Sonic Unleashed and that other dismal Sonic the Hedgehog game from a few years back. In those five minutes I would make them play those games (which are torture enough) while a big, muscle-bound brute with an executioner mask beats on them with a whip and shocks their testicles with a defibrillator. Then in the final minutes I will show them the 16-bit Sonic games and reward them with candy....hopefully then they will learn that 16-bit Sonic is what they should be trying to emulate. In a little bit of off-topic goodness, why does every developer thinks Sonic needs to be 3D? Why not make a 2D Sonic with HD graphics like Capcom did with Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD? A man can dream...

Greg Bruno
I'd say Sonic Team, but that would be way too easy. They've probably already beaten themselves up enough over Sonic Unleashed…blah.

Anyway, I'd want to spend time with Bungie, but in a good way. I'd wine them, dine them, and totally take advantage of them when they get nice an toasty. Then, I'd get some juicy secrets out of the company. To complete my masterplan, I'd then have to blackmail them into hiring me to walk around Bungie Studios in MJOLNIR armor so that I don't ruin the plotlines of Halo 4 - 6.


WHAT IF you suddenly find yourself in the middle of a RAGE mode, WOW fanboys (and possible fangirls),while you are merely attempting to get across to the store of your choice in order to get your hands on a copy of *Game here*? What do you do? Just what do you do!?

Mathew Sforcina
I ask in a clear, calm voice if anyone knows how to cure 'Corrupted Blood', then once they've all run screaming I walk over and purchase my game at leisure.

Armando Rodriguez
Is there anything you can do? Run in the opposite direction seems like a good one, but they will probably catch you. Play dead? Maybe that one will work, or maybe they will just run you over. But as you will all learn, in the case of WOW fan boys, there is NO WAY OUT! (Cheap WWE plug, ha! They should pay me). So say your prayers, drink your vitamins and wear your +1 Shirt of Invisibility at all times. It is the only way to escape the madness!!

Greg Bruno
Travis, I have never played WOW. Ever. I never intend to play WOW. Know why? Because I'm clearly cooler than due to the simple fact that I don't even know what RAGE mode is. That has something to do with overdosing on Viagra, right?


WHAT IF you suddenly found yourself bursting full of the manliness that is Captain Falcon, what would your first move be?

Mathew Sforcina
Away from anything valuable I owned that I didn't want to accidentally Falcon Whatever.

Armando Rodriguez
Can I even dream about that? Probably I would use my new found manliness and ultra-sonic speed driving skills to humiliate the bunch of posers in their modified cars that look taken straight out of Hot Wheels and hopefully end their "Ooh, I have a Fast and the Furious car!" wet dreams. Seriously, is there anything more annoying than these guys that think they are cool because they have a toy car and thousands of dollars in unpaid tickets? After that I would probably conquer the world, because when you are as manly as Captain Falcon, anything is possible!

Greg Bruno
Fun Fact: Captain Falcon literally translates to Greg Bruno in the new-modern-style-Mayan language. His character was modeled and designed after me. My first move would be to continue being Greg Bruno. It would also be my last move.

WHAT IF that madman Greg Bruno finally cracks the myth of the girl gamer, what ramifications would it have on this world?

Mathew Sforcina
Well, the Nobel Peace Prize would be yours for a start. However, the main thing it would do is show the world just how many gamers there are WITH girlfriends and significant others, and thus ruin that stereotype forever, thus creating the need for another one. May I suggest that all gamers have huge... egos?

Armando Rodriguez
I guess this is every nerd's dream. By cracking the myth, I understand that you mean that he finds a way to get girls into gaming. Then I guess video game nerds will replace douche bags and sports jocks as the boyfriends of choice. Their entire relationship will be based around whether or not the Tri-Force really exists and how they could have sex if they download that nude patch for The Sims 2. They will not go to clubs; they will just play Dance Dance Revolution! You have a Honda in real life? Who cares! Because that girlfriend will be more interested in that Lamborghini you just unlocked in Need for Speed. Guys will cry because their girlfriends beat them up in Fight Night and are dominating the Xbox Live scoreboards. Greg Bruno will become a legendary figure in society and revered as "The One". Either that, or the douche bags and sports jocks will beat the crap out of him for the rest of his life. Oh wait! They already do that! So yeah Greg, your life
will not be any different.

Greg Bruno
Haha, oh Travis. That's like saying "What If Limp Bizkit got back together?" It's impossible.

Oh, shit. That happened?

Nevermind. It would be exactly like if Limp Bizkit got back together. Fucking. Awesome. The world would thank me on a weekly basis. We'd call that day "Brunday" and it would come after Sunday but before Monday.

That'll do it for another round of What If? Special thanks to Travis for his continued reading and his questions this week. Post your own questions below to be featured in an upcoming edition.