What If? 2.24.09: Week 9 - Single Mario, Kratos vs. Master Chief, More
Posted by Greg Bruno on 02.24.2009
What If Mario finally dumped Princess Peach? What If Kratos fought Master Chief? Greg Bruno and the 411 Staff tackle these questions and more in Week 9 of WHAT IF?
Welcome to the ninth edition of What If? We all hope you enjoyed last week's reader appreciation edition, brought to you by Travis. This week, it's business as usual here at the 411 factory. This week, we're joined by Drew Robbins and Mark Salmela.
Mark is the 411Games resident critic, going around making fun of other writers while offering little advice without a hefty price. In the past, he wrote The SIXAXIS Report/B3yond the Report and Games Only a Mother Could Love, but for now he's sticking to smaller appearances *such as this* and reviews.
Drew Robbins is the self-proclaimed savior of the 411 Games Zone. When he isn't putting together the week's thrilling edition of Three-Player Co-Op, he is working intently on reviews for his site...or probably playing Street Fighter IV. Recently, though, he put up a review for the arcade hockey game, 3-on-3 NHL Arcade.
Greg Bruno writes What if? and The Gamer Girlfriend and smells like a summer a day after a gentle rain.
Let's do this.
Stevo asks WHAT IF Molyneux and Wright teamed up to make a WOW-killer MMO?
Drew Robbins:
Well the key to any Molyneux/Wright game is hype. So calling it a "WOW-killer" just seems like the correct course of action. It worked for Warhammer, right? Oh, it didn't? Well dang, at least, like any good Wright and Molyneux game, it will live up to expectations? Not even that?! The game would just be hyped for months on end, leading up to one of the most disappointing games of all time. Molyneux would promise the prospect of raising families, playing through the game as your children, while Wright would promise groundbreaking technology. The final product would be merely a shell of this, and would likely crack under the pressure that other WOW-Killers faced.
Mark Salmela:
First off the game would be hyped as the most incredible thing since sliced bread. Molyneux would go around making claims such as the level-grinding rats as having the greatest AI ever in a video game and the game being an emotional experience that will bring all gamers to tears. Farting and burping will increase one's experience by 1 point per rip and dancing will play a more important role in this game than any other before it. The world will take place in Sim City 5000 and will be constantly changing. Users will also be able to upload their characters into a giant encyclopedia where for a "minimal" price users will be able to download other players' looks and abilities.
Finally, and most importantly, users will play it for a month or two before returning to World of Warcraft. Peter Molyneux will then blame it on Wright and challenge him to a fight that will take place at Madison Square Garden during HBO's "Friday Night Sissy Fights" where losing is just as embarrassing as winning.
Greg Bruno
The amount of hype for this game would be monumental. Think Halo 3 + God of War 3 + Gears 2+ Spore + Metal Gear Solid 4 + Bacon. Yea, that huge. However, like most things (aside from bacon), it won't live up to the hype. That'll be partly because the consumer will expect WAY too much from the product, and partly because Peter Molyneux will reveal his "big innovation" to be tending to a garden…of dogs.
Brandon asks WHAT IF Anchorman - The Legend of Ron Burgundy was made into an RPG?
Drew Robbins:
I would cry, that is what would happen. I loved Anchorman, who didn't, it was a Will Farell movie before his act got stale and he made rubbish like Step Brothers. So seeing it in a game would be awesome...but an RPG? Ah, screw that! You might as well take the Shawshank Redemption and turn it into a strategy game, maneuvering throughout the jail trying to dodge prison guards to collect materials for your eventual escape.
Oh wait, that sounds awesome.
Mark Salmela:
Man how do I get stuck with questions regarding RPG's and MMO's?! Sigh, oh well. Aside from being guaranteed the title of worst game of the century, I can't imagine any possible way to make an RPG out of Anchorman. Maybe it's just me, but the only way one could turn anchorman into a video game would be to create "Anchorman: The World Warriors". That's right, 2D fighters for the win! The more I think about it, the more an Anchorman fighting game would rule! But it's still no match for "Full House: Tournament Fighters", "All That Smash Brothers", or "Saved by the Bell: Deadly Alliances".
Greg Bruno
No one would be able to get past the level where you must name the shit-covered squirrel.
Todd asks WHAT IF Kratos got into a fight with Master Chief over who was the real Spartan Warrior of the gaming world?
Drew Robbins:
This is a nonsensical question, why would the GOD OF WAR descend from the heavens just to fight a generic soldier? He wouldn't, he would smite him. Of course, if I wanted to break all sense of logic, and suggest that Kratos and Chief got into hand-to-hand combat, then the result would be the same. Only this time Kratos would rip his spine out, a-la Mortal Kombat, and then beat him with it.
Mark Salmela:
Remember when Moses fought Darth Vader? I picture this fight being pretty similar to Moses vs Darth Vader. Actually, on second thought, no I don't. But that's not important. What is important is that this battle comes down to whether or not the Chief is able to distance himself from the God-Killer. Whether or not you want to accept it, Kratos is still pretty susceptible to head-shots, and if the Chief is able to get his trusty Battle Rifle or his Sniper Rifle than Kratos better pray to whatever gods he leaves standing at the end of God of War 3 because he won't stand a chance. But on the other hand, if it comes down to a fist fight, or should a say a duel, than no amount of crazy, Spartan rechargeable shields will be able to stop the Blades of Chaos from impaling the Chief's shinny helmet. The Chief may have a wicked right hand, and he may know how to pistol whip the Flood into submission, but the Chief is no match for somebody who single handedly killed the God of War. My money is still on the Chief though, because everybody knows Bullets > Swords.
Greg Bruno
I'd like to get through just one week without the mention of Master Chief. But what the public wants, the public gets. Master Chief would hand Kratos his own ass. Literally, he would pull Kratos' ass clean off and give it to him. What Kratos doesn't realize is that Chief has planted a plasma grenade into the cheeks before giving it to him. There's a medal for your online stats.
Kratos would put up a hell of a fight, but when the dust clears and the asses are ripped, Chief will be standing tall.
Danny Mac asks WHAT IF Mario ditched Princess Peach and hit the dating scene again? Who would he go after next?
Drew Robbins:
Well, considering that Peach and Mario have been dating since the beginning of time itself (or the 80's, whichever you prefer), I'd imagine that the aftermath of the break-up would be none too pleasant for Mario. After months of depression, he would emerge from his home in order to do what any honorable hero does. Steal his brother's girl. Luigi always gets the bum end of the deal, so would it really be surprising to see Mario swoop in and take Daisy? This would lead to an epic confrontation between the brothers, Luigi determined to prove his manliness and Mario determined to...not get his butt kicked by his wimpy younger brother. In the end Mario would stand victorious after Luigi missed his Smash Brothers Upper-cut, leaving him vulnerable to Mario's brutal attacks. Oh...poor Luigi. Even when the question revolves around Mario losing Peach, it all comes back to Luigi getting beat up.
Mark Salmela:
The easy answer would be the butter-faced Princess Daisy, but I'm not about to take the easy way out with Princess ass-face on this one. Now I hate to say it, but Mario is the furthest thing from a pimp. I mean come on; he saved Princess Peach from being raped by Bowser. And if Mario can't even get a 'lil from the Princess when he saved her life, than Mario stands little chance clubbin' in Jersey or wherever fat Italians like to gather. But it doesn't hurt to dream does it Mario? Mario needs to go after someone with class, someone like Princess Zelda, or maybe Birdo. I mean gender aside, Birdo is an impressive sucker, and Mario shouldn't be quick to pass that up.
But this question shouldn't be about who Mario is going to go after; it should be about who's going to inherit the title of King with that pretty Princess. Because I'm just uh…. Throwing it out there… but uhhh… I think I could seal the deal on the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom. Then maybe I'd try some of their world famous, mind altering mushrooms for myself.
Greg Bruno
Finally! Mario wises up! That pain in the ass Princess Peach is totally not worth it and a complete prude on top of that. Dump her lame ass. I'd imagine he'd do it on Maury and break the news that he's now dating Lara Croft. How could Peach even begin to compete with Lara? She couldn't. That's how.
Alright children, that'll do it for this installment of What If? I'm leaving you all with an assignment this week. Leave me questions below pertaining to the Super NES/Sega Genesis era of gaming. Let's take a break from all these Halo questions and dig deep back into your childhood. I know you all have some good ones. I'll be choosing the best 5 questions left below. Ready…GO!
