What I Hate About You 2.25.09: Street Fighter

Posted by John De Large on 02.25.2009

411's John De Large rips open the Street Fighter series...

GAMERTAG HALL OF FAME: Atomic handjob, Crunchy Ass Hairs, Squidwards penis
HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER!: F@ckmuscle

JDL APPROVED!


Hey, she's hot, funny and right!

If you like her, find Part 2 of this rant on your own.

Now:

I love Street Fighter, I really do. While Street Fighter 4 is the tits, my favorite installment has to be Third Strike. There's so much done so right. The music, the art, the combos, all of the fighters are distinct enough that even with the practicioners of Ansatsuken, there's lots of diversity and different styles, enough so that you'll never get bored. SF3 is one of the true perfect games.


If SF3 looked like a girl, she'd be this.

Wha? Why'm I talking about SF3 when there's a perfectly good and much more inferior Street Fighter 4 to rip open? Because I like to rip on a series as a whole, rather than focus on the new kid in town.

Also, SF3 means a lot to me. It's been a huge part of my past, present and probably future. I have no doubt that when I'm 40, I'll be hooking up my PS2 to the telly and pop in Third Strike. That's how much I love Third Strike.

But, you always hurt the ones you love, so Street Fighter: This Is What I Hate About You.



VIGILIANTES? ADRENALINE JUNKIES?
Why are the Street Fighters considered heroes, (and to children of the mid 90's) heroes worthy of a lame ass Saturday morning cartoon? (well, Sunday morning cartoon as the USA network was ASS backwards until they became the 24 hour Law and Order channel)

It's never pointed out, because everyone is too busy thinking of Ryu, Ken and Chun Li as noble heroes, but it's almost like the pre-requisite for being a character in a Street Fighter game is that you're either a freelance mercenary or a crazed vigilante of Batman-esque proportions. Either way, you're not a hero or even a villain, just a crazy money grubbing weirdo.

For more proof, here's the breakdown of all the most famous characters and their motivations.

Ryu = Adrenaline junkie. Believes there to be truth in fighting or some fortune cookie bullshit.
Ken = Greedy fighter competing for a title and cash prizes. Borderline mercenary.
Chun Li = Vigilante looking to avenger fathers death.
Guile = AWOL from the Army, vigilante looking to avenge lovers friends death.
Honda = Vigilante, on a lone mission to improve the reputation of Sumo wrestling.
Blanka = Emo kid, looking for family.
Zangief = Vigilante/self glorifying fighter, looking to prove that his nation has the best fighter.
Dhalsim = Vigilante, is aiming to find peace through fighting or something.
Balrog = Mercenary, fights to get paid.
Vega = Mercenary and murderer.
Sagat = Mercenary and possible murderer/conspirator to assault Ryu.
Bison = Arms dealer/mad scientist/dictator of unknown ethnic origin.

Then you get to Street Fighter 3 and the pre-requisite expands to being a child, supernatural, a vigilante or a mercenary.

Ibuki = Little kid trying to go to college and ninja about.
Elena = Little kid from an underprivileged village.
Makoto = Little kid to take over Sakura's stalker job.
Necro = Mutated pedo with a little kid sidekick/wife. He can also generate electricity.
Yun = Little kid busy being a twin and saving China or something.
Yang = Little kid busy being a twin and saving China or something.
Urien = ??? He can change the color of his skin and shoot energy, supernatural enough for me.
Oro = Centuries old one armed man.
Dudley = Vigilante hell bent on getting his daddy's car back.

Only Blanka is not fighting crime or creating it and M. Bison gets away with not being a mercenary, although he's the one hiring the mercenaries. Everyone in Street Fighter seems to be out of their mind trying to save the world, destroy the world or fulfill a deathwish like the kids in SF3 seem to be eager to do.

Yeah, Street Fighter definitely has more than a few heroes who are hard to root for. Ken and Akuma get byes though. Those guys're awesome.

Also, Chun Li gets a bye for having the least probable physique that an Asian girl could ever have.

WHY IS IT CALLED STREET FIGHTER WHEN THEY DON'T FIGHT IN THE STREETS?
So the game is called Street Fighter, yet they don't really fight on any streets or alleys. In, Street Fighter II ('cause FUCK the original Street Fighter) the only street environment that the Street Fighters have ever done battle in is Chun Li's stage.... maybe Balrog's stage. If we're counting the new school bullshit characters (T. Hawk and D. Jay and co.) then you can add T. Hawk's stage at the mercado.

Now, we got 12 characters and how many of them have "DA STREETZ," as their backdrop? 2 or 3, depending on who you count, 1 if you want to be technical.

Why are we fighting on jetliners, mid air, bridges, caged venues, bridges in rural buttfucknowheresville and on top of buildings? The game is called goddamn Street Fighter and I wanna see a streetfight! Get some improvised weapons in a back alley with the instigators and bums gathered 'round, shouting racial slurs and profanity. Shank someone with a shard of broken glass! Curb stomp him on the corner of 42th and 8th! GET THE POLICE INVOLVED! RACE RIOTS WITH BALROG AND RYU! BYAHHH!

No, we're going launch our souls at each other in highly improbable battle situations, where people will cheer regardless of a right hook or a powerbomb or a fucking fireball or even men breathing fire or dudes with electric skin!

Say, speaking of the Street Fighters and their superpowers.....

SUPERPOWERS?
WTF? Since when did throwing blue balls of fire with your hand qualify as a martial arts move? Since when did Street Fighter start not giving a damn that a guy can make electricity with his skin or that an Indian dude can make his arms 871 feet long?

See, if that happened in the real world, Ryu, Ken, Blanka and Dhalsim would go away for a long time while their respective governments performed tests on them and dissected them to see how they make their fists go on fire and then use the secrets to make crazy weaponry.


Yeah, like that.

But, in the world of Street Fighter, the element known as magic realism is used and abused. Magic realism is whenever someone uses or possesses a supernatural ability, which the rest of the cast and passersby treat as a normal thing, something on par with, oh say, breathing, eating or climbing a flight of stairs.

C'mon, at least explain to your audience that this shit isn't possible in the real world. I know you might not think stuff like this needs a disclaimer, but up until 9th grade, my friend Freddie thought you could stretch your limbs and breathe fire like Dhalsim if you practice Yoga enough. I kid you not, kid's got a heart of gold and brains of straw.

BLANKA'S ENDING
Here's something that always bothered me. Blanka goes all the way to Thailand to fight Bison in the final battle of his story in SF2. When he wins, his mother, a Caucasian woman leaps from the crowd asking Blanka if he's seen her son who's gone missing for the last 10 years or something.

Yes, out of the blue, a white woman, who just happened to be vacationing in Thailand, accidentally caught the tail end of this fight and decided to ask the big green man where her son has absconded to. If I see a big green man with fangs and the ability to manipulate electrical current, the only way I'll assume that he knows the whereabouts of my kid is if those whereabouts and Blanka's stomach are one and the same.

Seriously, this ending is just too convenient. Everyone likes a happy ending, but no one likes Blanka.

SUPERFIGHT!
Last weeks Superfight did not have a winner since I'm sure most of you were busy on Valentine's Day and missed my special V-Day article. The first one to tell me who'd win between Peach and Orton will be right.

This week's match up is:

The Prince of Persia


VS.

Dhalsim


And now, I'm going to rock 'em all at Street Fighter 4 with that new-fangled online play. You can play me and add me on Xbox Live if you want at JDLXYZ. Just make sure you like gettin' your monkey asses whooped!

I'm John De Large and that's What I Hate About Rufus.



Ew.