Working Title 03.05.09: Identity Crisis - Super Mario: Battle for Mushroom Kingdom (Part 1)

Posted by Jordan Williams on 03.05.2009

Mario has tackled almost every genre known to man in gaming, but there are a select few that Mario still won't touch. So just how would someone go about making Super Mario into a Real Time Strategy Action game? Well, I think you all know who that person is.

Welcome back to the #1 Column to have to attend a boring ass business conference for a Cell Phone Company that just happened to buy out Alltell Wireless, WORKING TITLE. Seriously folks. If Cell phones are the wave of the mo'fucking future then why in the hell are their business conferences so goddamn boring. I don't care about the new business paradigm or how we will steal and rebrand "My Circle" to fit our needs as a company. I want to know when we are going to get the holophone from Star Wars or pull a Katt Williams and get a phone where it just fits on the tip of our tongue so we are always talking to someone.

Also, if any of you right now have a Bluetooth headset and are NOT disabled, doing something with your hands (That means you, Toddo) then I suggest you ingest a bottle of bleach. I swear if I see one more high power business exec walking around eating a sandwich and gabbing away on their damn Bluetooth Headset (because people around them are oh soooo interesting in their conversation) I will inject their tongues with botfly larvae.

Enough about my life here, time to get onto whatever topic for Working Title is going to be this week. So I was reading through my older columns and in my Hollywood state of mind I wanted to just go ahead and reboot a previous topic or remake it over again, but then I started thinking about some funny images I've seen of games that are just in genres that are out of place. Like what if Street Fighter was an RPG, or if Starfox was a fighting game, or if Halo was an RTS....oh wait.

Either way, you all know how much I love those "I get to make up shit" columns where I can do whatever I want to do with a game. So I decided that for the next four weeks I am going to take popular games of one genre and try to place them in another as realistically as possible. I shall call this latest idea I came up with while being bored at work "Identity Crisis" because lord knows I can't make any names that haven't been already used in comic books or some sort of other medium.

So as I sit here with this fresh new column idea in my head I am just left to wonder what in the hell to do with it. So I decided to look really deep into the video game library to see what kind of game could crossover to another genre and still end up making some money and being successful. When that didn't work I just decided to use the one character that whores themselves out to every single video game genre under the sun EXCEPT this one. So let's go ahead and turn our lovable Super Mario franchise into an RTSA spinoff.

Working Title: Identity Crisis - Super Mario: Battle for Mushroom Kingdom

Good Ole' Mario. Is there any genre you won't lend your golden 'stache to? Well it seemed like RTSA would be that one genre until I came along and decided to fantasy book your entry into the PC-centric game niche. You have been in everything from RPGs to the Olympics and some ill-fated creations along the way and you are always fighting in the name of the sacred Mushroom Kingdom. But what do we REALLY know about the Mushroom Kingdom?

We know that it is ruled by Princess Peach and Toadsworth is her handler and Toad is her bitch. We know that it has some of the worst protection in the world seeing as Peach is constantly kidnapped despite living in an obscenely huge castle stocked to the teeth with guards. But we don't know about its army power or how it even came to rule over its land. Hell, for that matter what do we know about King Bowser?

What in the HELL does Bowser rule? Sure, he has the Koopa Kingdom but we've never actually SEEN it since he is always invading us and we never invade him. Having warring kingdoms going against each other is the basis of any and every RTSA game ever so we already have a logical reason behind turning the game into one. All we need now are the interesting things such as the units, kingdoms, heroes, and specialties of each race.

As with all of my 'series' topics I will be following a set pattern that's easy to follow for everyone, although I will warn you right now that for this particular column I am not going to go into the deeper mechanics such as gameplay and things like that because if I did I would be here all day and frankly...I just don't want to get into all of that.

Of course although we have the LOGIC behind why Mario could be an RTSA game we really don't have that much of a reason yet. So how about we come up with a bit of a back-story to make this big old clusterfuck of ideas come around full circle.

Note: For those of you that don't know what RTSA is, it's Real Time Strategy Action. Think Battlefront or LOTR: Conquest...okay, maybe not LOTR because that game sucked a fat and hairy one.


Plot

Just like with any Mario game, the object is to save Peach from the evil clutches of Bowser (or whoever else as kidnapped her). Usually this means Mario "One Man Army" Mario and some other sidekicks would storm through some painfully linear levels until he finally finds his wonder ditzy bride to be.

But this is an RTSA, there has to be a little bit more meat on them there bones, sir. Now I will not doubt that Mario is one bad motherfucker, but I personally doubt that he is able to take on a whole Kingdom all by his lonesome. So this begs the question of what the hell is the Mushroom Kingdom doing during Mario's little adventures? I would assume they would be amassing a large army to get the Princess back or at least storm Koopa Kingdom and try to take out Bowsers defenses. In fact, one could say that it might be the Mushroom Army that clears the way for Mario as he goes through his various levels (Now I am imagining every single Mario level having the backdrop of some bloody horrific war...I like it).

So we've established now that Mushroom Kingdom is fighting off the impending Koopa Invasion as Mario rushes to try to safe Peach from Bowser's castle. But having an RTSA game with only two races seems just a bit bland now that current-gen RTS games have tons to choose from. So it seems like we are going to have to mix this up a bit...and this is where the fun begins.



Races

Mushroom Kingdom

It's pretty obvious what who and what these guys are. The Mushroom Kingdom are the 'good' characters. They fight for all that is just and true and are always overshadowed by Mario and his lame ass brother. In the sense of a game the Mushroom Kingdom would be the 'human' class due to the fact that for some reason the humans always tend to be the good ones and...well, frankly they look the most human.

Mushroom Kingdom is always at ends with the Double K and fight along the side of Mario and Luigi, so their units would have to match their style and personality as well as be cute as Mario games tend to be. There really isn't much else to say about them so I'll just go ahead and get into the units they would have.

Units

Name: Mushroom Soldier
Class: Foot Soldier

These would be the basic Mushroom Kingdom Guards you see all the time. You know the useless ones who can't seem to keep the Princess safe for shit. They would be the first and last line of defense for the MK race as well as the most versatile. Armed with only their fists and feet they would charge into battle ready to die horrible deaths or flail their little arms uselessly as they get mauled by the Koopa Troopas. But hey, someone has to do the job.


Name: Mushroom Trooper
Class: Ranged (Ground to Air) Foot Soldier

Now these guys are a bit more realistic in how they fight a war. They are virtually the same as the Mushroom Solider but they actually have the sense to use Fire Flowers to shoot fireballs at their foes. They still aren't strong enough alone to do a lot of damage but get a lot of them in one place and they could actually give you a hard time.

Name: Kuribo's Shoe
Class: Scout Vehicle

Kuribo's Shoe doesn't get nearly as much love as it should these days, but don't worry buddy. I still love ya. KTs would be the standard Scout of the MK, not dealing a lot of damage (after all, a shoe can only stomp on one enemy at a time) but they move fairly fast and would work great for peeking around the corner of ahead of you to see what enemies would be lurking in the shadows. The Shoe itself would actually be treated like a vehicle that normal troopers would get into. For instance if you put a Mushroom Trooper into a KB the MT can still shoot fireballs as he hops around using the Shoe, this could give shoe more offensive capabilities.



Name: Magic Carpet Rider
Class: Air-to-Air and Air-to-Ground Attack Unit

Taking a page out of Super Mario 2's book we bring back the magic carpet in which Mushroom Soldiers would ride high and throw onions at their enemies, seeing as this IS Mario and all we really can't have them running around shooting high caliber assault rifles and stuff, can we? MCRs would be able to attack any unit that is flying as well as do reduced damage to ground units, but seeing as they only thing they are riding on IS a magic carpet, they would most likely end up taking a lot of damage from whatever gets hurled their way.

Name: FLUDD Patrol
Class: Siege/Heavy Attack Unit

The FLUDD patrol would be Mushroom men wearing the hilariously stupid gimmick from Super Mario Sunshine. They would act as the main siege unit for the Mushroom Kingdom because as we have seen the FLUDD has quite a bit of power behind it. It might not do the most damage but a concentrated force of them could definitely topple buildings and hold some of the larger enemies at bay. It could even knock pesky aerial units out of the sky with jets of water. Talk about turning something lame into something awesome, eh?

Mushroom Kingdom Heroes

Oh come on, you know any RTS has to have Hero Units. Good thing that it's going to be fairly fucking obvious who the heroes for the MK are going to be.

Name: Super Mario
Class: Hero Soldier

It's Super Mario. Of course during some of these battles he should become available and hop (literally) on the battle field to whoop some ass. Expect him to have all of the normal powers you are used to him having and being damn near impossible to kill unless you overwhelm him. And in true Mario fashion, you have to kill him twice in order to destroy him. The first time he dies he only shrinks to half his size and speed unless he manages to get enough points (kills) to grow again.

Name: Yoshi
Class: Hero Vehicle

Having Mario and Yoshi on the field at the same time might sound like a sane and wise decision, but given that Mario tends to fucking ditch Yoshi at the first chance he gets maybe it's time for Yoshi to stand on his own two...feet...things. Yoshi could be used as a standalone hero or as a vehicle similar to Kuribo's Shoe. When he is on his own he will have his usual array of attacks suck as eating enemies and turning them into eggs that he can throw and the patented "Constipation Stomp" when in vehicle mode he will travel faster and only be limited to using his tongue to eat and spit out foes but you get the added bonus of Yoshi taking damage before the soldiers loaded up on him do.

Name: Luigi
Class: Hero Ranged Support

Not to be outshined by his brother (in which he will be anyway) Luigi will join the party and for once won't be a carbon copy. Whereas Mario is brave and strong and will rush headlong into battle, Luigi is a giant pussy and will prefer to throw high powered fireballs. He can still hold his one once shit gets real, but he'll be the first to retreat (at alarming speeds) and just to make it even more interesting he'll even have the ability to make those around him stronger...by making them look more awesome by comparison.

Now I am sure that you all are either looking at what I just typed above in bewilderment and amazement. Or you are simply frothing at the mouth with impending fanboy rrrraaaaggge. So this week's Working Question (getting it out of the way earlier). What kind of unit would YOU come up with for any of the races in this ‘game'? I know you motherfuckers are creative. You managed to keep a one shot joke going for almost two years now.

The Koopa Kingdom

So now that we've gotten the good guys out of the way, it' time to focus on one of the bad guys with The Koopa Kingdom. So you know who Bowser is and who he rules over, but it's time to try to fit them all into this genre in a comfortable way that still balances them out from the Mushroom Kingdom but it still keeps them different.

The story behind The Koopa Kingdom isn't really that hard to make up. They don't like the Mushroom Kingdom and King Bowser wants to do naughty bedtime things to Peach. So while he is in The Evil Clown copter (more on that later) trying to knock down the Mushroom Kingdom Walls, the Koopa Military is fighting the bad fight on the battlefields.


Units


Name: Koopa Troopa
Class: Foot Soldier

Good ole Koopas. You always know the perfect time to be fodder and the perfect time to be a douche and kill someone. The Koopa will be almost a carbon copy of the Mushroom Soldier except that it's actually move slower (It IS a turtle, after all) but in exchange it has a bit beefier defense in account of a shell. They would attack mostly with melee attacks and head butts like their 2-D forefathers do.

Name: Hammer Bro
Class: Ranged Soldier

The Hammer Bros, the only characters in Mario to EVER speak l33t. They would join the bad fight with trusty hammers in hand. They lob them at anyone who is on the ground OR in the air to smack the living fuck out of them. However, they do have a slight disadvantage seeing as they do move slower than the Koopa Troopa and they work better in pairs/groups than alone. But all in all when there is a ranged unit to have, The Hammer Bros are there for ya.


Name: Chain Chomp
Class: Siege Vehicle

One of my all time favorite things from any Mario game is the Chain Chomp. I loved them as an almost unavoidable enemy in other Mario games, I loved them as a weapon in Super Mario RPG and I just flat out love the fuck out of the idea of them being a vehicle. Since the PT is the Scout Unit for the KK, the Chain Chomp will double as the Siege Unit as well as a vehicle. If used by itself the Chain Chomp will just run around the battle field all willy nilly striking multiple enemies at a time, but with the weakness of having a slow turn radius as well as an oh-so-obvious blind spot. When the Chain Chomp is linked to a unit it will take over similar to Mario Kart Double Dash where it will just gain a mind of its own and rip and tear through any enemy unit in its way, and now that someone is anchored to it you have a bit more control. The downside is that it's the reverse of Yoshi, the person ON the Chain Chomp takes damage before the Chain Chomp itself.

The more damage done to the rider, the less control it has over the Chain Chomp and the harder it gets to control. Also due to the "Siege" in its name. Silly structures will stand no chance against a full on moving Chain Chomp.


If I could find out how to make this in Spore, I would


Name: Lakitu Squadron
Class: Air to Ground Attacker

Lakitu up in this BIIITCH! The bespeckled bastard floats above the battle field raining the pain on everyone in his way with this wonderful little Spikeys. Lakitu has no air-to-air fighting to save his life, which means that he will have to be covered by units who can attack the air units the will most likely come after him. Since the KK has no Air-to-Air normal attack units, it will have to make do with hoping the Para Troopa's fireballs will be able to hold them off while they rain death from above. Also, in true Lakitu fashion. If someone manages to kill a Lakitu who is hovering just too close to the ground, they might be able to commandeer their cloud. Iiiinteresting.


Koopa Kingdom Heroes

Name: King Bowser w/ Evil Clown Flyer
Class: Air to Ground, Solider Siege Hero



Look at that Class List. Some might say it's a tad overpowered but this IS Bowser we are talking about. Plus maybe if I explain it all it'll make a bit more sense. When you first call out Boswer he will be in his trusty Evil Clown Flyer thing as seen from Super Mario World. From here the only attacks he will have is his fire breath and throwing out THWOMPS instead of Spikeys. Lucky for you all the ECF isn't very strong and soon enough it will be destroyed and King Bowser will actually fall to the ground to do damage. Seeing as Bowser stands a bit taller than everyone else on the battle field, he will obviously be a bit stronger and certain things just won't faze him. He will shrug off the attacks of a single MK but maybe a large group of them can take him down, of course if you throw in other Heroes (especially given Bowser weakness to fireballs) he shouldn't be that hard to handle. If you are still confused...just thinks the Tank from Left 4 Dead. He will rape you shitless alone, but four people with the right guns will turn him into flesh mulch in no time.


Name: Kamek
Class: Air to Air Support Hero

Kamek, arguably Bowsers right hand man will also appear in full force. However Kamek will be interesting in the sense that he only as an air-to-air attack. The catch is Kamek can cast a spell on the forces below him to make them fight for him. They get stronger, more ferocious and basically a whole lot more awesome when Kamek is above them. This frees Kamek up to take out those pesky flying units that wreak havoc all over your face.

Name: Bowser Jr.
Class: Ranged Hero

Bowser Jr. is probably one of my favorite villains in all of Mario. I just like that he's the bastard child of Bowser and does nothing all day but whoop ass and complain when he isn't running around whooping ass. Well he will be on the battlefield this time as the Ranged Hero for the KK. BJ will be armed with his Magic Paintbrush from Mario Sunshine as which he will use to fling magic paint at his foes. Sure, it's a lame attack but you really didn't expect him to go toe to toe with people, did you?

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You know...I just might be onto something here. Nickelodeon stole my idea for the Avatar MMORPG (and ruined it to boot) maybe Nintendo might scurry across this and get some ideas. They will have to wait though, because this is only part one of a four part series. Next week we will go deeper into the other two races that would do battle in such a game if it were made. The Boo Brigade and The Second String Army. Which is going to be a bit hard to do seeing as at least with Mushroom and Koopa Kingdoms I had something to work off of, for the next two I am going to have to actually make up some stuff. Damn.

Working Question was already posted above and Working Feedback will return next week to highlight the Working Questions.

And now my coworkers are asking me what the fuck I am doing....


....


So until next time, I'm Jordan Williams...and now it's time for me to explain this to my 60 year old co-worker.