The 411 Games Top 5 03.09.09: Week 2: Regrettable Games

Posted by Todd Vote on 03.09.2009

The 411 Top 5 Games Edition returns this week with a new batch of victims. Ever had a game you regretted playing for any reason? This week we discuss what games we regret playing, and why, plus a bonus top 5 from one of last week's contributors. Come on in.


We've all been there, you rented a game that is just a total abomination to the whole industry, and you find yourself wondering how exactly anybody could think this game was a good idea. Maybe there was a game that once you played it, it became your life, you ate drank and shat that game for weeks on end. Maybe still, there was a game that was just so completely awesome it had numbed you to the goodness that any other game could possibly offer. It was with that in mind that I present to you: Top 5 Games you regret playing.

Remember, points are nothing serious, just something used to add a bit of fun to the column and hold it all together, think 'Who's Line is it Anyway?'. With all that out of the way, lets get on with the show.

First up is Drew Robbins, you may remember him from such columns as the Three Player Co-op, or as a member of the esteemed Robbins clan. Drew what do you have for us?

Drew Robbins

5. Mario Party 6: I'm not afraid to admit it, I love Mario Party. Well, to be more accurate, I love Mario Party on the Nintendo 64. But once it began to dip into the last generation, my feelings for the franchise disappeared. Mario Party 4 and 5 were just okay, but 6? Screw that game. There were two features being hyped up for the game, a day-night cycle and the microphone. Well wooptie-god-dang-do I can play through the stages at night, so hopefully the microphone can redeem my purchase of yet another Mario Party! Nope, sorry, the game only comes packed with a handful of microphone games that are about as fun as a kick in the pants. Who ever thought that microphone games were fun anyways?
Mario Party was fun when it started, but did get old fast. I'm giving you 40 points for making fun of microphone games. Seriously, what were they thinking?





4. TNA: Impact: I remember the day like it was yesterday. A young, innocent man walked to his mailbox only to retrieve TNA: Impact, believing that in front of him were hours of fun. Upon popping in the disc, the joy gradually evaporated from his face, leaving only the cold exterior of a broken man behind it. That man...was me. Yes, my friends, I have been through some terrible wrestling games in my lifetime. I suffered through WCW Nitro, WCW Thunder, WCW World Tour, WCW Backstage Assault...and heck, I even suffered through WCW! It was my belief that nothing could be worse, but how wrong I was. In TNA: Impact I had a game with almost no upsides, featuring a roster filled to the brim with characters containing the exact same movesets. If that weren't bad enough, the story mode was atrocious and actually brought me to the brink of insanity. That is assuming I'm not already insane...which might not be true.

3. World of Warcraft: The worst moments in my life can all be taken back to the several months in which I was hopelessly addicted to World of Warcraft. A large portion of my free time was sucked up by one game, a game which at times felt more like a job than any form of fun. It was at some point, when I was grinding through the frozen tundra of Northrend to obtain new gear and experience points, that I realized how much of a chore the game actually is.

2. Target Terror: Yeah, Mark, I went there. Once again let us join our hero, Drew Robbins as he discovers the horror of FMV games. As a child, the sight of two lightguns at an arcade cabinet meant one thing, Time Crisis. So imagine the look on my face when I popped in a quarter to a machine that was most certainly not Time Crisis, but instead Target Terror. Gone were the well-designed levels and awesome variety of guns, which were replaced with hideous FMV effects that even the Sega CD thinks are weak. Oh look, I took a shot at the Sega CD as well, Mark is just going to have a fit with this...
Pot shots at Target Terror, Mark Salmela, and the Sega CD? Thats got to be worth like 20 points, right?

1. Sonic 3D Blast: Sonic is was awesome, many days of my youth were spent wiling away on the Genesis, running through Green Hill Zone to catch the "always running fast enough to escape Sonic" Robotnik. So naturally, seeing him brought to the third dimension was an idea that filled me with glee. But it was awful, just thinking about it makes me tear up a little. First off, why the heck does the game revolve around collecting birds? Does Mario revolve around collecting Koala's or some other random creature? Another problem was the non-linear level design, something that has become a usual "treat" to be expected from the Sonic franchise. What was so wrong about running from left to right that Sega needed to muddy it up with a bunch of roaming around the same areas looking for tiny colored birds?

Sonic 3D was also a Christmas present, screw you Santa.
Santa wants to offer you 10 points for leaving you scarred.

Next up we have a returning James "The Real McG" Mcgee. James posts many of the news items you read on the games section, as well as offering reviews and previews.

James McGee

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Luigi's Mansion: Now don't get your Mario underoos in a bunch, Nintendophiles. I thoroughly enjoyed Mansion, and that's the problem. After years away from gaming, it was Luigi who sucked me back into the thick of things. Playing a Gamecube demo-station at K-Mart during my lunch break was like that first shoot-up to a recovering heroin addict. I didn't so much fall as jump off the wagon. My free time and wallet have missed me ever since.
30 points for comparing the less loved Mario Brother to heroin.

5. Smackdow vs. Raw 2009 (DS Version): Now, it might be a little misleading to say I "played" this game, considering I only made it through one match. But still, that's five minutes of my life I'll never have back. Drawing little circles to perform grapples? I know the DS is all about the touch screen, but it does have buttons. WHY CAN'T I USE THEM!? Even utilizing the awesome might of Cody Rhodes, I still got slaughtered by an eight-year-old's create-a-wrestler. I cried a little.

4. Final Fantasy II: Even though the first game in the series was simple and tedious by today's RPG standards, it gets a free pass due to historical significance. But the second entry had the chance to improve, and squandered it. A slightly more developed (but still paper thin) story couldn't make up for the wonky leveling system, which made the game even more of a time-sink than most RPGs. People accuse gamers of wasting their time, and it's hard to argue when titles like this require you to spend dozens of hours with it, only to give you frustration instead of enjoyment in return.





3.Tomb Raider - Because it just did not live up to the hype. This was one of the games that defined the Playstation era—an era I totally missed the first time around. When I picked the hobby back up, I clamored for Lara Croft's original adventure…and found it crushingly disappointing after playing some of the games that took their inspiration from her (Ico, Sands of Time, etc.). If I had just skipped it, Lara could have stayed on her pop-culture pedestal, and people wouldn't look at me like there were lobsters crawling out of my ears whenever I give my opinion of Raider.

20 points for giving me a reason to use a picture of Lara Croft

2.Aliens vs. Predator (SNES) - I think this may have been the first time a naïve young gamer learned the importance of challenge in games. Whereas I once wined when a game was too hard (okay, I still do), this one was so bloody easy that it became pointless. Maneuver the aliens into the corner of your screen and just spam on that slide kick until they're gone. Rinse, repeat, win. Before now, I never told anyone I'd finished the game. I was too embarrassed someone might think I was gloating.

1.Martian Gothic: Unification - I actually wrote a column about this one in the old Game Plan days. It gets the number-one spot because it is a prime example of criminally wasted potential. Dropped into a totally alien environment. Fighting off monsters and corrupted humans. Unraveling a horrifying story through audio diaries…any of this sound familiar? Yep, Martian Gothic could have been a phenomenon on the same level as Bioshock if all the elements had just been pulled together. The gameplay is pretty standard survival horror, with the unique twist of character switching and a big, bloody "Game Over" screen if any of the three protagonists ever come together. But many of the puzzle solutions are totally obtuse, and pretty ridiculous when you finally do figure out the answer (using an inflatable pool toy to keep THE VACCUM OF SPACE at bay? Come on…). The writing is chilling and often brilliant (the script was penned by sci-fi author Stephen Marley), but the voice acting ruins everything. I regret playing this one because I've become a little obsessed with just how good it could have been, and I die a little inside whenever I think of how bad it really was.
Never heard of this game, but for James pretty much trashing it, and still making me curious about seeking out a copy, he gets another 10 points.

Next up, Armando Rodriguez joins us again. When it comes to 411mania.com, Armando is like a baby Larry Csonka. You can pretty much find his presence in just about every zone on this site. He most recently reviewed the PSN title 'Savage Moon'. He is currently working on reviews for Noby Noby Boy and Sonic's Ultimate Genesis Collection. That and playing a whole lot of Street Fighter IV!

Armando Rodriguez

Honorable Mentions :

Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life Special Edition (Playstation 2): This is not really a bad game, just a big disappointment. I am a huge Harvest Moon fan. I own the SNES, N64, PS1 and the first PS2 game, Save the Homeland. I did not own a Gamecube (which is where A Wonderful Life originated) and was pumped about the game being ported to the PS2. Alas, it was a really bad port. It seems they tried to emulate the Gamecube version or something, because it ran really slow. Like REALLY SLOW! Like "it takes you five minutes to walk from your house to the tool shed" slow! The game is still good if you have the patience to play at such a slow pace, but man, I don't think anyone can stand that.

5. WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game (Sega Genesis): I remember finding this game at a bargain bin for about $15. I owned a Sega Genesis back then and found the graphics pretty good looking when compared to the previous WWF titles. When I got home what I found was a very bad fighting game disguised as a wrestling title. Doink using a joy buzzer? The Undertaker shooting spirits? What the hell! The controls where also very sluggish and the game had practically zero replay value. Today, it is sort of a relic at my house. Everyone wants to see it/play it every once in a while just to laugh at how absurdly bad it is.

4. Deadly Arts (Nintendo 64): When I owned my Nintendo 64 I was blessed with many friends that loved fighting games. So whenever a new fighter came out, I was ready to fork over my cash. I found some interesting gems (like Flying Dragon, who is one of my favorite games ever!) and a lot of crap just like this. The only good thing about the game is that it had a create- a -fighter option that was pretty robust, although not as good as Flying Dragon's. The controls where sluggish and unresponsive, the story was apparently so bad that it was cut off the American version, the characters where uninteresting and the game was flat-out a piece of crap. I played the game a grand total of TWO DAYS before I traded it in. It was so bad that all my fighting-game buddies played it maybe once or twice. Heck, my neighbor took one look at it, took a deep breath and said "Let's go back to MK Trilogy".
I remember this. It was crap. That is all. Nothing more needs to be said about this atrocity. 25 points

3. Knockout Kings 2000 (Nintendo 64): Wow, I owned a lot of crap for my 64 didn't I? The precursor to the Fight Night series of today, this game was nothing like that! In it you just basically stood in front of your opponent and pushed the punch buttons as fast as you could. There was no redeeming value whatsoever! Plus, the controls seemed to have lag, like it took a second or so for the game to register your inputs. Most of the punches where also unbreakable animations, which means that you basically lost control of the fighter during the punch and there was no way to stop it even if you knew it would not land remotely close to your opponent. God, I hated this game with a passion!





2. Sonic Unleashed (Playstation 3): This game is very lucky that I spent one summer in my aunt's house (more on that in entry #1) or it would be the absolute worst game I have ever played. Frankly, I lost my faith in Sega after this. The daylight "on-rails" sequences have their moments, but it always feels like you have little or no control of the action. It's like one extended animation in which the only thing you do is push a button to jump/attack enemies as you struggle with all your will to have Sonic move in the general vicinity of the rings that where scattered around. Seriously, I could run all day RIGHT NEXT to the rings, but it was almost impossible to have Sonic actually collect them. The "Wherehog" levels where absolute crap in which you mashed a couple of buttons to kill some baddies. Take this two horrible elements, extend them for about 100 hours of torture (it felt like 100 hours at least) and you have the game. Sega, please, just do a 2D Sonic and makes us all happy, please!
Ah yes. Sonic's return to glory. What? You say this wasn't it? Alright 20 points.

1. E.T. The Extraterrestrial (Atari 2600): Yes, I know. Everyone knows this is crap and it has become like a habit to place it #1. The thing is many of the people that talk bad about the game have never played it. I HAVE! God, I hated every second of it.

You see, back when I was 6 my mom had surgery and my dad was away in some god-forsaken country taking trainings or what not (he was in the army then) and I was left at my aunt's house. I took my Master System with me, but a couple of days later one of my older cousins dragged a box with his Atari 2600 and about 20 games. During the summer I made it my goal to beat each and everyone of them. I never beat E.T. To this day, I still don't know how and I don't even care to find out. In the game you controlled E.T., who looked like a strangely shaped piece of crap, and escaped from some bad guys that looked like Men in Black rejects. You where supposed to find something (pieces of a telephone or something) and you did this by searching holes. So basically the entire game was E.T. diving into holes, checking what was there, getting out, finding another hole and so on. I must have checked hundreds of holes, figuring this was just one level and that it might get better. Nope, this was the WHOLE game. Unless you love walking left and falling down holes, STAY AWAY FROM THIS GAME! It's not even worth playing just to see how bad it is: trust me, it will scar you FOREVER!
I left 50 points for you in a landfill in Mexico. If you can find where they are buried you can claim them.


Now it's my turn

Honorable Mentions:

WCW Backstage Assault: A wrestling game, that contains less wrestling rings than that backyard wrestling game... 'nuff said.

5. The Bouncer (PS2): This is one of the first games I purchased after getting a PS2. Bad controls, virtually no storyline worth mentioning, and crappy controls marred this title from the start. If I had not purchased GTAIII at the same time as this game, the PS2 may have had an extremely short shelf life for me.

4. Rise of the Robots: I am a huge fan of fighting games, and that used to be the only requirement for me to want to check a game out. If it had two people beating each other up that was enough, so imagine my joy when the two people were changed to robots for this particular title. I was stoked. Of course it was all downhill from there, as anybody who played this game knows it is pure crap in a game cartridge. There were no redeeming qualities about this game, the backrounds were simple and generic, the robots designs were uninspired, and the controls were brutally bad.





3. God of War I&II: Two of my absolute favorite PS2 titles. Why is it on the list? Because the 3rd title in the series is going to make me pay for a PS3. I put the blame for that solely on these two excellent games.

2. TNA Impact: I won't go as far as Drew did and call it the worst wrestling game ever, because I still think that belongs to WCW Backstage Assault, this game makes the list for the sheer build-up and letdown that it offered. All we heard all through development was supposed 'gamers' Samoa Joe and AJ Styles talk about how great this game is going to be, and how they were working so closely with Midway on the game. Then it gets released, and offers little in the way of anything other than a great looking game.

1. Call of Duty 4 Modern Warfare: When you pay $50 a year for Xbox Live, you expect that you will be able to play some of your favorite games online to see how well you really stack up. Then you play Call of Duty, and that pretty much sucks up your whole year of online play. Call of Duty was both a blessing and a curse in that aspect. I have still yet to give any other game, aside from FPS games a fair chance online, and it is all due to this incredible game.

Sadly our time this week has just about come to an end. Let's tally up our totals and see who the winner is this week. In third place this week, with 60 points, we have James "The Real McG" Mcgee. Coming in at second with 70 points is Drew Robbins.Our winner this week with a whopping 95 points is Armando Rodriguez. Congratulations Armando, enjoy your prize... oh wait.

BONUS TOP 5
Last week, one of our readers thought Mark was unfairly judged due to his inclusion of Taget Terror. Here at the Top 5 we try to be fair when handing out our make believe points, and to show that Mark wasn't slighted because of Target Terror, The Top 5 bring you Mark Salmela's top 5 reasons Target Terror ruined his life, take it away Mark

Mark Salmela

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Target Terror has ruined my love for all things Sony - Why do you think I stopped writing B3yond the Report? Things just weren't the same after Target Terror was released on a non-Sony platform.

5.) Target Terror has ruined my ability to sleep at night - Every time I close my eyes I see Target Terror. That's all I think about, that's all I dream about. I haven't slept much at all since last summer. My dreams are a continuous replay of Target Terror. Even as I blink all I see is the vision of the final terrorist of Target Terror begging for mercy right before I kicked him out of the plane and into the engine propellers where he was chopped into little bits.





4.) Target Terror has ruined my perception of violence - I just don't feel sympathy anymore. I look on TV and see people being hurt and I just can't feel sympathy for them, not after what I did in Target Terror. I killed thousands of people for the most miniscule of rewards. Hell I killed people with a flamethrower while they were taking a dump at a stall in an airport. I blew hookers up with RPG missiles because I feared that they would kick me with their pointy hooker boots. I shot more bullets into one masked terrorists at the Golden Gate Bridge than Germany shot in all of World War 2. Hell I shot one terrorist in a jump suit in the stomach so much that eventually his head popped off. When you can shoot someone in the stomach so much that their head detaches from their body, it's game over man.

3.) Target Terror has ruined my social life - At first my friends thought Target Terror was awesome as well. But then it soon became apparent that I more than loved Target Terror. My friends realized that Target Terror was an addiction, and was something that was taking over my life. At first my friends tried to support me, but they realized that it was a losing battle. Target Terror has ruined my social life, and I fear that I will soon lose my humanity.





2.) Target Terror has ruined my sex life - It's true. After playing Target Terror, my perception of women has been completely warped. I look at a woman and think one of two things. Either "she's a dirty prostitute out to roundhouse kick me in the face" or "she's a confused pre-teen in a dumpster looking to show off her newly sprouted breasts". Women won't even look at me anymore, and quite frankly…. I don't blame them…

1.) Target Terror has ruined my enjoyment of other games not named Target Terror - Up until Target Terror's release, I loved video games. Hell I considered myself a philanthropist on games. But after popping my Target Terror cherry, everything else was just second best. Why do you think it's so hard for me to write a review now days? My review scale has been completely warped. Every game is rated on scale from 1 to 10 with 10 being in the same league as Target Terror. I look at every game and think "well it would be more fun if it were like Target Terror".

Thanks Mark. Thats it this week folks, be sure to check back next Monday where I bring you a new subject and a different assortment of writers to discuss things. Remember if you have a subject you would like to be featured leave it in the comments.