The 10th Hour 03.20.09: Most Unusual Things in the Resident Evil Franchise

Posted by Derek Robbins on 03.20.2009

From everything exploding and love blossoming in strange places to Alfred Ashford and even characters that will not die, these are some of the most unusual things in the Resident Evil Franchise! In the latest edition of The 10th Hour, 411’s Derek Robbins takes a look back at the Resident Evil franchise and names the top 10 most unusual things from the Resident Evil universe! Check out the full column for all the details!

Hello and welcome to the 10th Hour. As always, there are a couple of tangents that I would like to go off on before we get this ball rolling, so here we go!

-The NCAA Tournament starts today and like every degenerate in America, I am pretty excited. I have multiple brackets filled out with multiple winners chosen hoping that one of them makes me look like a guy who actually knows what he is talking about. Of course, I really don't – baseball is more my game, I've barely followed college basketball this season – but it doesn't hurt to pretend. I originally had Villanova winning the tournament but then I realized that was probably a dumb prediction, so the team I think will win is Louisville. Not exactly an adventurous selection by me, but hey, they're a great team so they shouldn't make me look too bad.

-I just finished chapter 5-2 of Resident Evil 5 yesterday. You might be wondering why I am traversing through the game so slow and the answer is simple: I'm trying to savor the game because I know it's not too long. Plus, Drew only is willing to play with me like 20 minutes a day before he hops on Facebook or something. I am just wondering when Resident Evil became Gears of War? I know that they had the plagas with miniguns in Resident Evil 4, but I don't remember a chapter from that game which had as many fire fights as 5-2. Seriously, it felt like I was playing a horribly generic action game. It's still fun, but god damn, keep guns out of the equation.

For the record, I still love Resident Evil 5. It's very good. It just ain't great.

-I'm expecting a copy of Shenmue to arrive in the mail fairly soon. Believe it or not, this will be the first time I've played the original game. I've played Shenmue 2, but I've never got to experience the original. Yeah, I know, a damn shame it took me so long but it's better late than never eh? I have a pretty decent collection of Dreamcast games but if you can think of one that I may not have heard of, feel free to throw some suggestions out. I'm not sure when I can get around to playing them, but I would like some more titles in my collection.

Reader Feedback

Last week I wrote on the top-10 most unusual Pokémon designs. Let's see what you had to say about that, eh?

Patrick Robinson is glad he stopped at Gen. II:

Having stopped playing at Gold/Silver, I have to say...that probably wasn't the worst idea in the world.

Probopass and Luvdisc? Luvdisc looks and sounds like something that was originally based off an internet meme!

Well, there are some goofy designs for the past couple of generations but as a whole, I would say that the games only got better. In my opinion, it's a myth that Gen. I has the best overall designs. A lot of them are just animals taken directly from nature with no liberties taken. Yeah, we remember them fondly, but from a creative standpoint, a lot of the creatures were lacking.

Still though, a lot of people feel the same way you do, so maybe I am the wrong one.

Duncan points out a pretty obvious flaw:

I don't agree with the name of this list. Unusual is not synonymous was bad or poor design. I think this is a good list of poorly designed Pokémon, but not unusually designed ones.

That's fair enough, I probably should have named it that. I guess I didn't want to call some of these poorly designed though. Like, I think Ludicolo is pretty decently designed to be honest. For the most part though, you're right.

Somehow a Spoink gained computer access:

where am I?

How were you able to type that out? Were you hopping on the keyboard? That's so adorable! You could never be on my list though you goofy thing, you're too cute. And if you stop bouncing you DIE. Your life is already tragic enough, I'm not that much of an ass that I would make it worse. …Am I?

A Guest argues usefulness of Pokémon:

I agree with a lot of these, BUT NONE of these Pokémon are useless if you know how to use them right. You just have to teach them the right moves, and maybe in Luvdisc's case buy some proteins and all that.

Well, that's not necessarily true. In competitive Pokémon play there are tiers. Certain Pokémon can fight in all tiers with little problem while others are relegated to certain ones because they are either too good (Arceus, for instance, is stuck in uber tier combat) or too shitty (Not fully evolved Pokémon or Pokémon like Luvdisc who can't fight outside the current lowest D/P tier: UU). Yeah, if you fight against someone who doesn't know what he is doing, a Luvdisc can be useful I guess, but it has an absolutely lousy movepool and an even worse stat set. Really, the only thing it has going for it is speed.

Some of those Pokémon are quite good though. Garchomp, for instance, is excellent. I guess it depends on who you play and how you play whether a Pokémon is good or not. I just don't see a scenario where a Luvdisc would have any place on a competitive team.

Galaxy Express who I am lead to believe is the former "TWF's SDC" left a fairly lengthy comment:

Dude, I pulled a f*cking Japanese Red Gyarados out of a pack once. It's the most valuable card I've ever pulled (it booked for $250 back in the day when book value was still somewhat relevant), and you know I've been collecting sports cards and such for years... which is why I don't have enough money to buy new games & stuff. :'(

Good list, though I can't back you up on Ludiloco since it's probably an honorable mention on my top ten favorite Pokémon list.

Loved the brilliant Voltorb/Electrode commentary.

I also rofl'd at "tentacle rape: the Pokémon", if only for the fact that I'm almost positive it exists out there on the net somewhere. I know most every other Pokémon with vines has gotten that treatment at one time or another.

Still though, Tangela was a completely mediocre Pokémon, so I don't begrudge them giving it an evolution. It was one I kinda liked but wasn't strong enough to do much with, like stronger than your basic Pokémon but weaker than the evolved ones. Is Tangrowth much of an improvement over Tangela?

I always liked Magmar despite his butt-head. He had some pretty cool moves, but was just so frustratingly average for the difficulty of getting him, so I'm glad to learn in my time away that it got an evolution too.

Clearly a weakling like Nosepass needed an evolution, but I'm not sure that's what the doctor ordered for the lil' Easter Island head. I was thinking of something more like this: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/cb/Scottie_Pippen_mug.
jpg

Yeah... that joke still doesn't get old for me. >_>
Remind me to explain it to you sometime if it doesn't become immediately obvious.

For purely unusual, Chimecho is way up there for me. But I like it, so I wouldn't have it on a worst designed unusual list.

I don't know a lot of the newer Pokémon since I decided to hold out for the inevitable third version of Diamond/Pearl. I think it's time to hit the Bulbapedia or something and get myself refreshed; I haven't even played any of the older ones in forever it seems. I've been away for far too long.

They had Red Gyarados cards? I don't remember those, but to be fair…I quit collecting cards before the Gold and Silver cards were released. Though I DID have Japanese cards for the starting three and their evolutions before the games were officially released over here. I don't think I liked them as much then. I remember trading off my Chikorita evolution line for something.

Ludicolo is also probably an honorable mention on my list too. I love the guy, he just looks weird though. As for the tentacle rape Pokémon, yeah, I'm sure there is. They have very unusual Pokémon communities out there. You're right, the Pokémon it came from was very weak and probably needed an evolution, but it was such an obscure Pokémon (and for a Pokémon to be obscure, that's saying something) that I wasn't quite sure why they would bring it back. Also, I didn't think they could do much with it. After seeing Tangrowth, I was right. They REALLY couldn't do much with it.

Buttface Magmar is just goofy. At least Magmortar fixed that problem. Magmortar was one of the first Pokémon I raised to level 100 because, I dunno, I thought he could make a good sweeper or something.

Platinum comes out on Sunday, so you best buy it! Or, err, find another means to play it through various downloading sites that I know absolutely nothing about. Whatever you do though, we need to play! I mean, Platinum has a battle frontier too! A battle frontier! It's like they took the best part of Pokémon Emerald and added it to the best generation of the franchise. Rejoice!

Also, Scottie Pippen jokes never get old.

Jeff gives a guideline for Pokémon looks:

There's a rule of thumb when it comes to designing Pokémon. The less they look like a fucking Digimon, the better.

Dude, bro, Digimon was pretty awesome when I was growing up. I mean, did you see that one time when Agumon warp digivolved into WarGreymon? EVERYONE WENT CRAZY! Oh man, I haven't seen that show for years. I lost all interest when they replaced the original kids. I wonder if it's decent at all? Nah, probably not. It probably wasn't good in the first place. My nostalgia tells me it was though, and I choose to listen to that! After all, they were monster friends to the boys and girls.

August gets the last comment of the week:

While Palkia or whoever may look like he has a penis for a his head, nothing beats the original Metapod for blatent sexual innuendo. Ever take one of those things into combat? It's like someone modeled it off an erection.

On top of that, a wild Metapod only has the move "harden". So really, it's like one giant phallus. It eventually turns into a butterfly – after it gets excited I guess – but for a while, you could be forgiven for calling your Metapod Penis or even "Dr. Cox". What, I'm not allowed to like Scrubs? I think you may have a point. Perhaps I should have brought Metapod on board? Hum, oh well, maybe next time.



Top-10 Most Unusual Things About the Resident Evil Franchise

Well, Resident Evil 5 was released last week. I opted not to do a list on it at that point because, well, I was doing a two part series on Pokémon. That's over now! So we can get back to the zombie goodness we all love. This list is about the weird stuff you'll notice when you play Resident Evil. With a series as crazy as Resident Evil, I'm sure it'll be easy to pick 10 things eh? Well, let's get this thing going then.

10-) Wait, they made more than one game in the "Survivor" series? - We all know that the main series of Resident Evil games are very good, but the off-shoots are often times not. For goodness sakes, have you ever played Resident Evil: Gaiden on the Gameboy Color? Before Resident Evil 4, that was the last time that Leon was seen. Hell, they even decided to give the manly man Barry Burton his own spotlight. This game ruined poor ‘ol Barry because apparently Capcom has totally forgotten about him. I guess they felt bad for Leon and decided to put him somewhere else.

That's neither here nor there though. At least Resident Evil: Gaiden was only one game. Capcom didn't decide to expand on it, thank God. Resident Evil: Survivor is a game in the first person perspective where you control your amnesiac player through a series of events in order to discover his identity. Your main means of combat is scrolling a crosshair around the screen with your controller and shooting at zombies. You don't have the ability to lightgun your way through the game, you have to drag the cursor manually and it can be quite the pain.

Really, it's a terrible game with an even worse than usual plot. Believe it or not, it's all canonical too! You go throughout most of the game thinking that your amnesiac protagonist is actually some ultra jerk who was behind a lot of dark experiments and killed hundreds of people just because. The game then decides that most people playing wouldn't want to control such a douchebag and decides to make the main character NOT that person after all! Shock and awe! Really, the game is just stupid and a waste of time.

It even landed on Game Informer's worst horror games of all time list! For good reason, you know, because it's a piece of shit. So what does Capcom decide to do with all of this publicity? Make TWO more of these games! To be completely fair, both of these games are vast improvements on the original but as a whole, they aren't anything special. The second game, Survivor 2: Code Veronica, is pretty much a first-person version of Code Veronica. Code Veronica is an alright game, but it also introduces us to one of the worst characters of all time: Steve Burnside. I'm sure I'll have more to say about him later on in the list. The game features a fixed crosshair that remains in the center of the screen and if you linger in an area too long, the Nemesis will chase after you. Well, okay. Neither of these two are members of STARS, but whatever.

Actually, this game wasn't even originally called Survivor 2. Capcom decided to do it themselves, in order to tie it in with an otherwise un-related game. Well God, I mean, why not associate yourself with that winner? Did they assume that people would think it's a normal Resident Evil unless they branded it with the Survivor label? Or did they just want to warn others? Whatever.

The final game, Dead Aim, takes place from a third-person perspective until you get into a gun fight. At that point, you go into first-person mode. This can be kind of disorienting but you get used to it. Really, it's a very mediocre light gun game and an abysmal horror game. It's miles better than the original Survivor, but it's still nothing special. I would not recommend you pick it up on a fancy, to say the least.

I don't know why they kept making Survivor games. After the failed experiment that was the first game, you'd have to figure that Capcom would learn their lesson. The Chronicles franchise on the Wii is the closest thing we have to it now, but that is an on-rails shooter similar to The House of the Dead, so at least it's competent. It's just unusual that Capcom would forego making a third Megaman Legends game and instead pile on more to this absolutely horrid offshoot of Resident Evil.

Also, the game could be beaten in like 30 minutes. Nobody wants that.



9-) Everything Must Explode - Imagine a scenario where you're smuggling something you're not supposed to inside of your house. Let's just say that the police bust into your house in order to retrieve whatever it is that you left behind. Just as they make it to the stuff you've stashed away, a siren goes off warning the intruders that they have fifteen minutes before your house gets blown sky high. This scenario may seem absurd, but in practically every Resident Evil game, there's some sort of self-destruct sequence going on.

Usually, the self-destruct sequence is brought on by the player themselves in order to unlock some sort of door. Occasionally though, something will happen that triggers it in some other way. In Resident Evil 2, I believe, Ada Wong gets thrown against a random console that JUST SO HAPPENS to trigger the underground facility's self destruction sequence. What are the odds of that, eh? I mean, so just touching the machine can do this or am I supposed to believe that she happened to accidentally press the button that triggers this? It's…peculiar.

What's worse is that the Umbrella corporation absolutely hates letting anybody escape from their bases. If, for whatever reason, you need the base to explode, you better have the necessary supplies because all of the fucking doors are about to get locked and you'll be very inconveniently locked in place. They just want to make sure you use all of your 15 minutes wisely because, you know, you have to remember the couple of hours you just spent on backtracking endlessly through a mansion or laboratory setting. It's just one of the perks for working with the company.

Speaking of Umbrella, I don't see why they feel the need to brandish areas of their secret underground laboratories with their logo. I mean, are the employees of Umbrella going to forget where they are? Will they be wondering around the lab, suddenly forget what they are doing, glance around, see the giant UMBRELLA logo and go: "HMM OKAY!" Look, maybe it's just me, but you have to figure a government agency is going to track down one of these bases at some point. Is it really wise to have such incriminating evidence in your secret base that pretty much says: "Yes, the pharmaceutical giant Umbrella is behind the zombie outbreaks. Suckers."

Then again, this is par for the course for Umbrella. Generally speaking, they are just an incompetent evil entity. For goodness sakes, their answer for when something goes wrong even in the slightest is to kill whoever is at fault. For instance, let's just say that some Umbrella guys were meeting for lunch. But oh! Poor ‘ol Jim forgot his wallet at home so he needs to go back. Such time wasting endeavors are not allowed and Umbrella has Jim killed in a horrifying fashion. I suppose it'd be hard to feel sorry for guys working at a company that has employees dieing left and right, but whatever.

Really though, does everything need to explode? Step your game up, Umbrella. Simply deleting your files works well too!



8-) Love Blooms in Strange Places - It's a bad video game tradition to force a love interest into a game that normally doesn't need one. I mean, there are people who like this sort of thing – I once had an idiot friend who would not play an RPG unless it had some sort of love plot – but for the most part, this sort of cliché is just unwelcome. You will notice that I said "for the most part." In the Resident Evil franchise, the love plots that they force into their games are often times ridiculous. This makes it totally okay!

For instance, let's look at Code Veronica. Throughout the first half of the game you get to play as Claire Redfield, the female character from Resident Evil 2. She's trolling after her real love interest her brother, Chris, because he won't return her calls or something. Anyhow, towards the beginning of the game you meet this character named Steve Burnside. Burnside is the very definition of an asshole. There's a point in the game where you discover a gun first (actually, a pair of guns), Steve takes them, and demands that you give him something in return for them. He's coupled with an annoying voice and it's just…terrible.

For whatever reason, this drives Claire FUCKING INSANE and she begins falling for the guy. I mean, she never outright says she wants to jump Steve's bones, but through dialogue and body language, you could totally tell what she was wanting. Did I mention Steve tried to kiss her while she was unconscious? Yeah, real winner you have there. Seriously, Steve is a god damn asshole.

Anyhow, towards the end of the game Steve gets infected with the T-Veronica virus and he turns into a giant emo-version of the Incredible Hulk. If you've heard Burnside's voice before, I imagine this transformation wouldn't be too far-fetched. Somehow, through Claire's love, Steve mutates back to his normal form where he confesses his love for Claire. A character he treated like crap and tried to take advantage of while she was knocked out? Yep, makes sense. Luckily, Claire doesn't say it back but…maybe that hold her brother has on her is a bit strong, eh?

You also have the very unusual pairing of Ada and Leon in Resident Evil 2. During the course of play, Ada will separate from Leon a lot and in the end they really don't share a lot of time together. Just a few lines. I mean, for goodness sakes, they have an elevator ride where neither says a single word to each other. Yet, for some reason, as Ada is on her death bed, she claims to have fallen in love with Leon. What makes this unusual is that Ada, not minutes ago, found out that her boyfriendwas dead. So wait, you were able to recover from that so quickly? I know Leon is an attractive guy, but you seriously fell in love with him minutes after you found out that the boyfriend you were looking for in a secret underground base full of the undead was dead? God damn, she's quick.

I guess the zombie apocalypse leads emotions to run high. There's really no other way around it. I'm surprised Rebecca Chambers and Billy Coen didn't have a love plot. I guess that's the only thing about Resident Evil 0 that wasn't totally messed up though. So, lonely nerds, remember this! Find a hot chick in the middle of cataclysmic events. Then, upon finding her, either leer at her in silence or treat her like shit and sooner or later she will love you. Yay!



7-) Characters that will not die - I suppose it's kind of ironic that I'm talking about characters that refuse to die in a game infested by the un-dead. Still though, there are enemies or characters that seem to bite the permanent bullet and just seem to keep coming back. These instances are very rarely explained and when they are, well, sometimes you wish you hadn't heard the reason behind their miraculous comeback.

Perhaps my favorite example of this would be Nicholai Ginovaef from Resident Evil 3. Early on in the game, Nicholai gets attacked by zombies and is presumed dead. Really, the don't mention him for the longest time. All of a sudden, Nicholai comes back in the story with no explanation and reveals that he is the main villain. He wants to move up the chain at where he works – I think it's at the UBCS, though I can't say for sure. I haven't played RE 3 in a while – and killing all of his adversaries and Jill will apparently make up for this. Jill's partner for the game, Carlos, encounters him in a hospital. So what does Nicholai do? Jump head first from a fourth-story window and somehow emerge from this without a scratch. So, Nicholai survives zombies and high drops? Good to know, I guess. I wonder what the explanation for his survival would have been like?

You've also got the case of Albert Wesker who has been presumed dead so many times by now it's not even funny. I mean, for goodness sakes, when Chris proclaims at some point in Resident Evil 5 (brief spoilers here for those who haven't played yet) "I THOUGHT WESKER WAS DEAD!" I about had my palm go all the way through my forehead. You're surprised at this point? For goodness sakes, in Resident Evil 5, Wesker is Neo. I mean, he has all the powers of the Matrix. It's pretty ridiculous, really. Then again, I guess that kind of power comes naturally when the pre-requisite is to die a horrible, horrible death.

You've also got another Resident Evil 3 character on this list with the Nemesis. The Nemesis is a character you have to deal with throughout the course of Resident Evil 3. No matter how much you beat the guy down – and believe me, through the course of the game, you'll be beating him down a lot – he keeps coming back. There are several battles you go through with it and no matter how badly you hand Nemesis his ass, he'll just keep on rockin'. He keeps mutating and finally, at the end of the game, you are given the ability to kill him with a fucking rail canon. Nice.

I could also mention William Birkin from Resident Evil 2, but I have a whole segment dedicated to him down below, so I'll leave it here for now. Really, who would have figured that a series about fighting the undead would have so many characters that just refuse to, well, die.



6-) Alfred Ashford - That's right, a whole character makes this list as his own entry. That should tell you just how messed up he is. How does Alfred introduce himself? Well, you encounter him in a room where he tries to shoot you and misses badly. This wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that Alfred had laser sight on the gun he was using. I believe it was a sniper rifle, though I'm not particularly good with guns. Well, Alfred just misses a couple of shots, proceeds to go on a monologue, and runs away with the most hilarious laugh in video game history. Seriously, watch this video and try not to laugh. It is AWESOME.



Not that Claire's voice is too hot, either. Anyhow, that's really not the most crazy thing about Alfred. Honestly, if a weird voice was his only problem, he'd most likely be one of the more sane Resident Evil characters. No, you see, Alfred comes from the prestigious Ashford family. Fifteen years earlier, he and his sister Alexia were experimenting with a virus (apparently to make them more powerful) and, as a test, inflicted their father with it. This virus turned their father into a horrendous freak, so Alfred and Alexia had to hide him. Alexia later discovered how the virus works, but it required being frozen for fifteen years. She did so, leaving Alfred alone.

Alfred absolutely needs his sister though. Fifteen years without her drives him insane. Apparently he wasn't emotionally stable. So, he develops a dual personality. On one hand, he's the charming rapscallion Alfred Ashford. On the other hand, he's Alexia Ashford. That's right, he dresses up in drag and acts like his sister. He even carries on full conversations with himself. When you're in a game with Steve Burnside and you manage to raise more questions than he does, well, you might just be messed the hell up.

Alfred's the main villain throughout the first half of Code Veronica. In the second half his real sister, yes, Alexia takes over. I guess that put an end to his split personality huh? Isn't it awfully convenient that her 15-year stasis ends as Claire and Steve stumble upon her? I think that's just neat. Alfred doesn't get to see her long though. Before the two meet, Steve shoots Alfred and he falls off a huge cliff. Instead of dieing on impact (HAH! This is Resident Evil), Alfred instead stays alive just long enough to see his naked sister emerge from her slumber. She then rubs his head in a very uncomfortable moment. I mean, look, I can joke about Claire and Chris because I know (or at least hope) it's not true, but you guys are just so blatant about it!

His sister's desire to perfect the T-Veronica virus (named after their ancestor Veronica Ashford) is what caused him to drive insane. Kind of sad, but I really can't think of a Resident Evil villain more batshit than this guy. Even fucking Saddler and Salazar were sane compared to Alfred. That alone makes him very memorable and probably one of my favorite characters in the series. It's odd, because Code Veronice is probably my least favorite game from the main storyline. Whatever though.

Also, Wesker's involvement in Code Veronica was not wanted. He also managed to turn British somehow. Ohhhh Capcom.



5-) Salazar's Statue - I know I said that Alfred was probably the most messed up villain, but Ramon Salazar was pretty crazy as well. I mean, when you get your first glimpse of Salazar during the castle segment of Resident Evil 4, you really don't know what to think. So, Napoleon is one of the main villains of Resident Evil 4? Well, alright. He also apparently has a love of traps because his castle is so full of contraptions and doohickeys that it's borderline ridiculous. Saddler really needs to book less gimmick loving villains because there were portions of chapters 3 and 4 where I was just laughing at some of the ludicrous stuff that was there.

For instance, remember that scene where Ashley runs to the wall and amazingly that wall had restraints on it? Well, first, the trap was very easily avoidable if Ashley wasn't a fuck-tard, but seriously…did he plan for her to run into that ONE WALL and get captured? Was his great plan reliant on our heroes running away from what he threw at them and having them run a set course? I mean, how would he know all of that stuff? Not to mention all the trap doors and weird moving suits of armor, Salazar really…has some sort of complex, no?

The oddest of his little traps though is perhaps one of the most memorable things about Resident Evil 4. You're climbing all over this statue to get to places and eventually, it comes to life. It's a GIANT statue of Ramon Salazar, the owner of this mansion. This is perhaps the moment that I realized Resident Evil 4 is one of my favorite games ever. It is so deliciously B-movie and doesn't even try to hide it, unlike Resident Evil 5. From Leon's cheesy one-liners to…THIS? I mean, come on, they knew what was going on.

There's really not a whole lot to say about Salazar's statue. It's something that you need to see for yourself. A matter of fact, here you go. Salazar's statue to the tune of yakitty sax (That would be the Benny Hill theme, for those who are scratching your heads and going: "What?") Enjoy.



4-) Moonlight Sonata - Resident Evil 1 was a classic and sort of defined a genre. That doesn't mean that it didn't have some messed up scenes. Each scenario has a bit of moonlight sonata. For instance, Jill has to play it in order to open a hatch to get a gold emblem which she needs in order to get the Shield key. That's not the goofy one. I mean, I suppose it's weird that Jill would grab a piece of sheet music and go: "Well, I am in a house full of zombies and am looking for any surviving members of my team, but FUCK THAT, it's Moonlight Sonata time!" but really, given some of the shit you'd have to do later, that's no big deal.

The big "huh?" comes from Chris's campaign. He needs to play Moonlight Sonata for the exact same reason. Here's what I don't get though. Alright, I can KIND of understand why Jill would want to sit down on the piano and start playing the song because, you know, she can play. She has no idea that a puzzle is going to be solved by playing the piece, but I mean, she can at least play. Chris on the other hand? When he hops on the piano, for no apparent reason I might add, he stumbles through the song and offers a pretty horrid rendition of the song.

Apparently the piano playing is so bad and off-pitch that Rebecca Chambers hears it and runs into the room from whatever void she was in to see what was going on. Now, listen Rebecca, this is a pretty scary mansion and someone playing the piano that badly could be a zombie or some other form of monster that's just fucking around. But no, it must be Chris. Plot conveniences I guess. Instead of asking the obvious question, you know, "WHY ARE YOU FUCKING AROUND ON A PIANO WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN PLAY IT YOU MORON?" she asks if she can take a crack at it. I mean, seriously?

She starts off playing very well, comparing decently to Jill's mad piano skills. Then all of a sudden as she reaches the end, she assumes that Beethoven had programmed some sort of note at the end that required all keys on the piano to be pushed at once. Chris was not impressed by this foolishness. Well okay, now you indulge her for a little while and it's all good and done right? I mean, you're still looking for Jill and Wesker at this point. It's a house full of zombies and every second counts. I mean, Chris could seriously save someone's life!

Rebecca then looks at Chris sheepishly and asks if she can practice it some more because she thinks that she can get it down. Listen, it would be one thing if Rebecca knew that this moonlight sonata piece must be played in order to open a secret room somewhere, but she doesn't! Honest-to-God she's just dicking around on the thing trying to get better. Of course, it's a well-documented fact that Rebecca is a moron, but we'll be getting to that in a little while.

You can let her continue practicing and she'll eventually get it. You can then advance through the game and do whatever you want. You'll probably have the memories of whatever the hell just happened etched in your head though, rendering it impossible for you to go on or take Rebecca seriously. It's very clear that the RE franchise is nicer to the female lead. Jill got a lockpick AND Barry. Chris got a lighter and Rebecca. Fucking thanks.



3-) William Birkin's Role in Resident Evil 2 - William Birkin is the main antagonist of Resident Evil 2. He is able to develop the G-Virus in Umbrella laboratories using Umbrella funds to do so. For whatever reason he wants to hold onto this virus for himself, but Umbrella agents just aren't about to let this happen. Why shouldn't they get a piece of the action? Birkin was an Umbrella employee and was only able to create the virus as part of his job. Without Umbrella, there would be no G-Virus. Whatever though, Birkin refuses to give up the virus so Umbrella sends agents out to take it from him. BY FORCE. Out of fear, Birkin accidentally drops a cup of coffee and the agents open fire on him. You know, because the coffee made a loud noise. In order to avoid death, Birkin injects himself with the G-virus and turns himself into a horrible freak of nature. Birkin then kills the agents and somehow, in the process, knocks some of the T-Virus into Raccoon City's drainage system. This would cause Raccoon City's outbreak in Resident Evil 2.

Yes, that's right, Resident Evil 2 was caused by the knocking over of a cup of coffee. Bravo Umbrella, bravo. I guess if Birkin hadn't been so greedy with his G-Virus, none of this would have happened, but hey! He needed that credit, dammit! This zombie outbreak and transformation of Birkin leads to his wife wondering around the underground secret Umbrella base. I think she might be trying to kill the mutated Birkin – for a reason that will become apparent soon– but it's never really explained. She just stumbles into our heroes and talks about how great her husband is before she tries shooting them and misses every time.

Also wondering around is Birkin's daughter, Sherry. Sherry was sent by her mother to the zombie and licker infested police station because it was apparently safe there. Uh…okay. Anyhow, Claire and Sherry form a bond throughout Resident Evil 2 and Claire is tasked with protecting her, you know, since her mother is too busy stumbling around the underground. Unfortunately, Sherry gets away from Claire all the damn time. This is not good, because she's being pursued by a monster who she thinks attacked her father.

The thing is, the monster IS her father. You see, the monster has an uncontrollable desire to implant his embryos in things. He does this successfully to Police Chief Irons, but apparently his embryos are only compatible with beings that share the same DNA structure. Wait a minute, Sherry has the same DNA structure! You are reading this correctly, the antagonist of Resident Evil 2 wants to infect a 12-year old girl – who happens to be his daughter - with his embryos in order to spawn other spawns of satan. That is just insane.

So not only does Birkin's transformations get more and more ridiculous as you proceed through the game – sorry, I just don't get the point of a fucking gigantic eye in your shoulder – but he actually manages to get his embryos INTO SHERRY. I believe this was passed from some sort of tentacle to mouth ritual. This is just…unheard of. I know we joked about Chris and Claire earlier. We even assumed stuff about Alexia and Alfred (Wait, why do they all have the same first letter? Jerk parents), but we never got any concrete proof. THIS is actual incest…and it's just wrong.

Seriously, I can't think about Birkin's role in Resident Evil 2 without being creeped out. That's just ridiculous. I'm just glad Leon was able to do away with him because, really, the less tentacle rape incest the series has the better, you know? I guess Capcom really likes those kinds of scenarios, huh?

- Seriously, what's the point of that shoulder eye?

2-) Logistics - This point has been made on probably every forum in the history of existence at one point. It's not exactly an argument that's original or new or fresh or unique, but really…it needs to be brought up. What the hell is with the unlocking of stuff in Resident Evil? Is it really efficient for an evil company such as Umbrella to require multiple jewels and emblems to unlock certain rooms that they need? Why do people remove batteries out of things that need batteries, why do I see a tiger's head and immediately go: "Whoa, hey, some jewels would go in here just fine."

It doesn't really make any sense. Logistically, it would make the work place such a hassle. There was a good Penny-Arcade comic on this issue once, featuring an umbrella suggestion box. Where they are talking about the hazards of moving to point A and point B. How it's so weird that they would remove a crank from its slot. What's the point of that? I mean, sure, we as a people have an un-reasonable urge to crank things, but how long is it going to take?

Probably the most hilarious example I can think of this is during Resident Evil 2. There's a memo left behind which details the RCPD's handling of a threat. They have decided, as a group, to scatter all ammo and weapons around randomly throughout the facility. This would make it hard for other people to find them! But get this, get this, they apparently get tired of doing this half way through as the note says that about half of the weapon supplies remain down there. So wait, you're moving all this stuff around for a reason and then you get lazy and say fuck it? Your RCPD at work, ladies and gentleman.

Also, what's the deal with illogical puzzles? I believe there was a puzzle in Resident Evil 3 which required you to, I shit you not, mess with the city's power grid in order to open a door. I mean, how do they get away with this. Does the mayor come on and apologize to half of the city for losing power for no apparent reason? What kind of mechanic comes in and does this! Why not just make everything password protected. There, boom, problem solved.

Making things solved by puzzles is just crazy! You can solve a puzzle, anyone can solve a puzzle. It just adds a minor inconvenience to the attackers. "Oh wait, I'm supposed to arrange these in order of birth? Well, it'll take me like two minutes but I THINK I got it." Umbrella, just lock everything with password protected doors and you wouldn't have to deal with this shit! Employees wouldn't have to backtrack for hours just to enter doors, guys wouldn't have to mess with the city's power source. It would be a peaceful time.

The logistical errors don't end there though. The characters can be kind of moronic at times as well. Isn't it ridiculous when you see them get shocked about zombies being afoot? I mean, if they have dealings, it's old hat. Or how about fucking Rebecca Chambers in Resident Evil 0, FULL WELL SEEING zombies and then seeing a corpse and going: "I wonder what caused this!?" God dammit Rebecca, I WONDER WHAT CAUSED IT.

Or how about Claire, who is always looking for her brother. Why can she not find him? Does Chris not have a phone? Does Chris not have access to some form of e-mail? I hear AOL was quite popular at that time! For goodness sakes, maybe Chris doesn't want to talk to you if he won't give you the courtesy of picking up a telephone. Why didn't Claire think of these things?

The incompetence of the world and its characters are part of what makes this series so charming. I like it because it is wacky and makes very little sense. It's special. It's sad that RE 5 is LESS cheesy and hilarity filled than the rest of the games, but hey, it's fun so I'll let it have a slide. Just this once.



1-) Resident Evil 0's Story - Resident Evil wasn't really a game that needed a prequel. I mean, yeah, it would have been cool to know some of the proceedings to the first game. These could have easily been explained in files though. Honestly, none of that is really explained here – with the exception of how the contamination started in the original mansion – and instead you get one big cluster fuck of a story that just makes no sense and adds to the already convoluted story of the series.

The game stars Rebecca Chambers of the Bravo Team. She is 18-years old and a medic. One would have to assume that she is new to the job given her age. Her assistant is Billy Coen, a convict. Coen was on his way to his execution site. He was accused of killing 23 men. What makes Coen interesting is that he's the only main character in the series incapable of mixing herbs. You see, because RE 0 had to make their characters different, the medic Rebecca is the only one who is able to mix effectively. Coen, well, he just has to rely on her.

Resident Evil 0 starts out simply enough on a train. This train is crawling with various leeches and the undead. You're also introduced to the zapping system. The zapping system, if you must know, allows you to switch between your two characters at any point during the game. This lead to some co-op puzzles which usually just meant you had one character pull an object in one corner and another character pull another object in another. They had some neat stuff there, but really, the partner swapping was plain tedious.

What's ridiculous is that, for whatever reason, Umbrella housed a second mansion not too far away from the other mansion – the Spencer mansion – which had a lot of the same architecture. Not only did it have a lot of the same architecture, but it also recycled some of RE 1's puzzles. Nice job rehashing their, Capcom. This apparently was used as a testing ground for Umbrella because a lot of mutated animals are housed here. They've been infected with the T-Virus and are hopping mad. Why does there need to be a second mansion anyhow?

Not only are there two mansions within miles of each other, but this mansion ALSO explodes in a blaze that probably could have been seen for miles. Surely, Alpha team would have taken note of this. No, of course not. So, at the end of the game Rebecca and Billy are out in the open and are apparently free. Rebecca even says that Billy Coen is officially dead (making him free to go, nobody will pursue him anymore). She then glances over and sees the ORIGINAL mansion. That's right, she's out of the woods, she will live and then: "Well, I mean, I survived this mansion, no way that other one could be any worse!" She meets up with her team at Spencer mansion I guess. She neglects to tell them, you know, WHAT JUST HAPPENED AND MAYBE IT'S DANGEROUS OUT THERE. Whatever though. Rebecca, your wit is hilarious.

There's also the fact that there's apparently an underground walkway that extends to Raccoon City. It's weird because Rebecca and Billy are out in the middle of fucking nowhere, at least twenty miles from civilization. It would take them a while to get there, but thanks to this magical walkway, it takes minutes! Ah, but you also must know that down here is also a fucking Tyrant. Tyrant, as you may know, is the final boss of the original Resident Evil. That was T-002. This is the original. He's just down there for no apparent reason, I guess. Just getting lazy, Umbrella?

You're probably wondering how the T-virus spread around in the original Resident Evil? Well, RE 0 tells us and that's about the only relevant information that it gives us. You see, while Birkin and Wesker were working on the G-Virus, an Umbrella employee by the name of James Marcus goes to spread the virus around the mansion with a bunch of leeches. Yes, the cause of this whole franchise is…leeches. Wonderful. Not to mention that Marcus looks like a generic JRPG villain, making him just right out of place with everything else.

Resident Evil 0 is a game that doesn't really explain much about the actual game. They also managed to raise questions to Rebecca's logic and STARs logic as well. The plot is a confusing mess and in the end, Resident Evil 0 just comes off as a useless bit of game. It would have been cool to delve more into Wesker's motivation, but instead we get a story about a JRPG villain who loves leeches and a bunch of T-Virus infected animals. Bleah. Resident Evil 0 is probably the only "main series" game that I dislike. It's got some hilarious quirks, but as a whole it's just a mess.



Well, that's it for this week. If you wish to leave me any feedback you can e-mail me at [e-mail] or you can comment down below. It's your choice, really. No matter what you say though, good or bad, I truly appreciate your feedback as I feel it helps me become better at what I do. So thank you!

Well, now that that's out of the way, let's see what's going on around our site's game section shall we?

Ryan Kaye – a boxing writer - contributes his top-8 boxing games ever

Jordan "The Ogre" Williams writes Working Title. It's his final piece on Mario as an RTS.

JDL delves into cosplay in this week's edition of What I Hate About You

Theo Fraser writes The Nintendophiles

I write B3yond >B3yond the Report

Joe Roche writes the Full Circle News Report

Chris Vicari writes The PC-Spotlight

Tommy Coloma writes The Release List

Drew hosted a Three-Player Co-Op between Ramon "Salazar" Aranda and "Black Dan" Garmer. Drew "Luigi" Robbins also participated.

Greg Bruno writes Gamer Girlfriend. This week it's LBP-centric.

Todd Vote is in charge of the Top-5. This week it's memorable boss fights. I will mail my answers to next week's tonight!

Trace Aber writes Living LIVE

Ramon Aranda hosts Fact or Fiction. This week it's between himself and Joe "Cock"Roche.

AJ and Mike Minotti are the voices behind the Exploding Barrel Podcast. Presented by the Squadron of Shame. Check ‘em out.

Well, that's it for this week. I'm out.

'til the crossroads

Screenshots
All 9 The 10th Hour Screenshots