Stalin vs Martians (PC) Review

Posted by Armando Rodriguez on 05.26.2009

We have our first candidate for Worst Game of the Year!


Game: Stalin vs Martians
Publisher: Mezmer Games
Developer: Black Wing Foundation


I think it is mandatory for every reviewer to review a horrible game every once in a while. I mean, reviewing good games feels less like work and more like fun, so to really put the WORK into things you need to be willing to take one for the team, right? So it came to pass that I voluntarily asked to review Stalin vs Martians. I was well aware of how poorly received the game was, but a part of me refused to believe that it was as bad as they said it was. Boy, I was wrong on this one.


Gameplay:

The concept of Stalin vs Martians is that of a satire, a parody of the real-time strategy genre. The game takes place in the 1940’s and pits Stalin and the Russian Army against an alien invasion. So far, so good…right? Here is where the game takes a turn for the worse.


WWII: Revenge of the Pikmin

The gameplay is supposed to be real-time strategy, but there is no strategy involved! I found that most missions are won or lost by simply taking all your units and moving them from Point A to Point B, finding some enemies to kill and crossing your fingers for a positive outcome. This would not be so bad if combat was satisfying and the enemies interesting, but that is not the case. Enemies range from Pikmin lookalikes (actually, more like tiny colored dots that move way too fast) to three-eyed aliens that looked ripped out of Toy Story 2, to a collection of plant-looking thingies that look like cast-offs from Plants vs Zombies. It also doesn’t help that your units look like Micro-Machine versions of tanks and soldiers or that their firepower is not impressive at all. Most missions follow the same boring formula of moving from one place to the next, killing (or getting killed) by alien things, rinse and repeat. Enemies drop a form of currency that can be used to get more units, but this feels like a tacked on element. More often than not you will let this coins disappear because getting them means sacrificing your units. But the worst offender has to be the lack of player participation: During the entire game I never felt like my actions where making a difference in the outcome. It always felt like some sort of random roll-the-dice thing in which I just ran my units into the enemy and hoped for the best.

If the game where funny at all, maybe we could excuse the many issues with the gameplay. But outside of Stalin dancing and a few lines of text in the mission briefings that are funny, most of the comedy just falls flat. The game seems to try a few jokes that would have been funny, but they overdo it, to the point that the joke ceases to be funny. Sort of like movies like Disaster Movie or Meet the Spartans.

Graphics:

The game suffers from serious frame rate drops, even on a PC that is almost twice as powerful as the minimum requirements. If the game where visually stunning we could forgive that, but the graphics look like something from 1999. Enemies are small and don’t look good up close and the same thing can be said about your units. Explosions and attacks look subdued and do little to immerse you into the action. This has to be one of the ugliest games released this year.



Sound:

A collection of bleeps and minor explosions dominate the game. The music is just there and doesn’t stand out. It says a lot about a game when the sound is not that good, yet it can be called one of the best aspects of the game.

Lasting Appeal:

The first time I booted this game, I wanted to quit within ten minutes and might have done so. The only reason that kept me playing was that I needed to be objective about the review, so I played this game until I beat it. I have to say that half my brain cells are dead after playing this for so many hours and I don’t believe anyone will ever want to play this a first time, much less a second time!


One of the few things about the game that is funny.

Fun Factor:

What fun factor? Outside of a few (and the keyword is FEW) laughs and thinking “this is the crappiest game I have ever played” there is not much to enjoy about this game.

The 411:

There is no reason to buy this game unless you like to torture yourself. I think the idea behind the game is a solid one, just poorly executed. What we have is a real-time strategy game parody that is not strategic or funny in the least. Hey, at least they got the real-time part, right? Thumbs way down!

Graphics	2.5	Tiny, ugly units and uninpressive explosions, coupled with a bad frame rate.
Gameplay	1.5	If you like repetitive, non-strategic gameplay with cheap attempts at humor, this is for you!
Sound	3.5	A collection of beeps that seems ripped out of the 8-bit era is joined by forgettable music.
Lasting Appeal	1.5	If you don't want to quit within the first ten minutes, you are my hero! I really believe there is no one out there that would want to play this a second time.
Fun Factor	1.0	Fun? You mean this was supposed to be fun?
Overall	2.0   [ Very Bad ]

Screenshots
All 4 Stalin vs Martians Screenshots