Misunderstood Masterpieces 03.24.09: Cannonball Run II
Posted by Will Helm on 03.24.2009
...or, I Guess They All Needed to Get Back to Connecticut Somehow
Last week, I covered the first in the Cannonball Run series, logically titled The Cannonball Run. It seems, interestingly, that this classic of the '80s spurred quite a bit of commentary here on 411Mania.com, especially regarding my statement – from the 411Mania.com Movies Zone Podcast, which everyone should be listening to – that this would be an ideal film to remake. Even though I don't usually do this, there isn't much introductory information this week, so I'll comment on the recent debate. First up, from Galen H.:
I am in complete agreement. I would so love to see a remake of this film. It's just one of those pure fun movies that's enjoyable.
See . . . I'm not crazy. Although I believe Michael L. would disagree:
[Unfortunately], I'm not sure a film like this could be made today. This featured many of THE major actors of the day, including Burt [Reynolds], Dom [DeLuise], Farrah [Fawcett] and Roger [Moore] in their primes, as well as Sammy [Davis, Jr.] and Dean [Martin] past theirs and a ton of cameos. The salaries alone would make the venture cost-prohibitive. The best way to do it would be to do it like they did the original – for the fun, featuring the current group of frat-pack actors doing it for a reduced payday. And this would kick all kinds of ass if they had some of the Cannonball Run members such as Burt and Jackie Chan doing cameos.
To be quite honest, Michael, I think you hit the nail on the head with the second part of your statement: do it for a reduced payday. Firstly, I don't think the "Frat Pack" actors would be terribly expensive anyway, other than Will Ferrell, and he'd probably be down to have fun with his buddies on film, like you said. As well, just getting them all together might earn a discount for the producers, like the new Ocean's films; I'm sure the collective paychecks of George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Julia Robers, et al. greatly eclipse all of the Frat Pack's payday by perhaps even a few zeros. If done right, a Cannonball Run remake would be huge business and wildly entertaining . . . but, until that point, there is 1984's sequel, Cannonball Run II! Is it a Misunderstood Masterpiece like its predecessor? Let's find out!
Somewhere in the Middle East, King Khan Noonien Singh (Ricardo Montalbon) lectures his son, Sheik Klinger (Jamie Farr) and his son's blond, blue-eyed servant (Doug McClure) because he's not happy that Sheik Klinger lost the initial Cannonball Run. To prove his point, King Khan – rather than climb up the Ceti Alpha VI equivalent of the Empire State Building – slaps around Sheik Klinger and the hapless servant. King Khan, in order for his son to restore the family's honor, tells Sheik Klinger to sponsor another Cannonball Run and, this time, win the damned thing.
Elsewhere, in the American desert, two HOT CHICKS in a white Lamborghini drive by some cops and, once again, the cops give chase. Wow . . . this really looks familiar. It's nice to know writer/director Hal Needham doesn't mind repetitiveness in his scripts. After separating a bit from the police, one of the HOT CHICKS, this time a brunette (Daisy Duke herself – this time in Spandex, Catherine Bach), vandalizes a "speed limit" sign. Perhaps angered by this blatant disregard for their authority, the cops give chase once again all the way across whatever state they're in. Meanwhile, a little up the road, a couple guys in cut-off denim shorts hose off the white Lamborghini, miraculously transforming it into a red Lamborghini. After some more HOT CHICK pursuit, Team HOT CHICK v2.0 – the aforementioned brunette and a blond (Susan Anton) – pulls off on the side of the road to fix their makeup and then drives off to California.
Sometime later, at an airshow, J.J. McClure (Reynolds) struts; after demonstrating his masculinity, J.J. chats with his partner, Victor Prinzi . . . or Prinzim (DeLuise) – IMDB.com has the latter, while my ears say it's the former, who's inside a bomb for some goofy daredevil stunt. After he calms Victor's nerves, J.J. overhears a newsman explaining that the man inside the "human bomb" is destined for celebrity and, of course, the wealth and HOT CHICKS that come with it. J.J., always in the hunt for wealth and HOT CHICKS, asks Victor to trade places with him, but it's not Victor inside the bomb anymore, but Victor's superheroic alter ego Captain Chaos! Huzzah! Remarkably, Captain Chaos, in a very non-superheroic fashion, relents when J.J. asks to take his place, so J.J. rides in the bomb while crazy German Arte Johnson sings and flies through the air. After some hilarious miscommunication, the J.J. bomb is dropped and it crashes through a plane before hitting it's target, causing Victor to flip out with joy. J.J., meanwhile, has a concussion, so he feeds Victor hay while Victor rambles on about a new Cannonball Run.
Meanwhile, in New York City, mobster Don Dom (DeLuise, again) meets with representatives of the local families: Moe Green (Alex Rocco), Frankie Pentangeli (Michael Gazzo), Salvatore Tessio (Abe Vigoda), and Henry Silva. Hey . . . it's not my fault he wasn't in any of the Godfather movies. Don Dom explains to his associates that he has passed on control of the family to his son Don, making the scion Don Don. My sides! They are splitting! Then Don Dom strokes a dead cat, which he throws out when Moe Green gives him a new cat. I guess that's what Don Dom always does with a worn-out pussy. Later, Don Dom's associates head to Las Vegas to chat with Don Don (Charles Nelson Reilly?!?) and Salvatore Tessio threatens him with bodily harm for messing up his father's "legitimate" businesses. Moe Green, showing a cooler head, finds out that there's a guy who owes Don Don some money: Morris Fenderbaum. Dum-dum-DUM!
Elsewhere, on the road, Team HOT CHICK v2.0's Lamborghini breaks down, so the HOT CHICKS hitch a ride in some guy's sweet gull-wing Mercedes. Meanwhile, on a plane, Jackie Chan rides with Jaws (Richard Kiel); some Japanese guy drops them and their Mitsubishi off rather than go through customs. The cops quickly go in pursuit of the Mitsubishi, but Team Jaws Fu CAN FLY, evading the police in the process. Back in Vegas, Morris Fenderbaum (Davis, Jr.) wanders the halls of the Sands until he finds Jamie Blake's (Martin) room and he knocks on the door. Unfortunately, this also happens to be the moment when Jamie is romancing some young HOT CHICK; who knew Morris was such a cock blocker? After Jamie shoos away Morris, Morris ends up knocking on Jamie's window – maybe he's angling for a threesome – and Jamie responds by hitting Morris with a shoe like a common pest. Alas, Morris, promising riches in the next Cannonball Run, convinces Jamie that some things are better than getting it on, so Jamie abandons the HOT CHICK and leaves with Morris. Bro's before ho's, I suppose.
In a California bar, presumably, Sheik Klinger meets with the doctor (Jack Elam) because Sheik Klinger wants the doctor on retainer due to a bad ulcer plaguing Sheik Klinger. Meanwhile, at the same bar, all the other major characters drink and mingle, including Jamie, who's hits on a HOT CHICK while dressed as a priest. Sadly for Jamie, the HOT CHICK isn't into having some Thorn Birds-inspired action. Victor, at another table, rambles about bread, so J.J. starts daydreaming about finding a woman . . . so he conveniently spies Team HOT CHICK v2.0 and hits on them. While Victor gets drinks, J.J. wanders off with Team HOT CHICK v2.0, leaving Victor behind. As J.J. gets some threesome action, the mobsters come looking for Morris and Jamie and Henry Silva, being awesome, catches the two miscreants trying to escape. Though things look to be curtains for for Morris and Jamie at the hands of the mobsters, Sheik Klinger bumbles his way into the scene and defuses the situation.
The next day, Telly Savalas and his two hoods visit Don Don and Telly Savalas isn't happy because Don Don owes him $9 million. Meanwhile, somewhere else, preposterous cousins Mel (Tillis) and Tony (Danza) – who's actually named "Terry" in the movie as if no one will notice that Terry Bradshaw is now a guy from Brooklyn, so I'll just call him "Tony," which should've been the case all along – go car shopping from an uncle and, in the process, they meet his orangutan chauffeur. After a bit of wacky antics, the uncle fights with the orangutan chauffeur and then, in the aftermath of the melee, he gives Mel and Tony a car . . . as long as they take the dirty primate with them on the Cannonball Run. In a nearby diner, two actresses (Shirley MacLaine and Marilu Henner) dressed as nuns complain about show business; at an adjacent table, J.J. and Victor chat about what they'll do with their winnings from the race . . . and the "nuns" overhear the conversation with quite a bit of curiosity. So much so, in fact, that they conspire to sit with J.J. and Victor . . . who, through a wacky bit of miscommunication – a common gag in this film so far – may or may not be gay. Of course, the "nuns" are cool with it, because they admit to being mysterious "New Wave nuns." Ah . . . so they belong to the order of Our Lady of the Talking Heads?
Later, the mobsters plot against Sheik Klinger; Don Don, freaking out due to Telly Savalas' little visit, tells the mobsters to kidnap Sheik Klinger and ransom him for the $9 million in question. That afternoon, the racers finally prepare for the race and Victor – who, along with J.J., is dressed as a soldier – politely says "Hi" to Team HOT CHICK v2.0, probably a little upset that he missed out on some sweet orgiastic action the night before. J.J., probably to calm Victor's nerves, gives his buddy a fake Congressional Medal of Honor. Moments later, the "nuns" show up and desire to hitch a ride with J.J. and Victor so they can "help some lepers in New York." Though J.J. Is reluctant, Victor, a good Catholic – who still lusts after hot orgiastic action, convinces his partner to side with the clergy, just in case it gets them in God's good graces. But first, they meet those devils on Team Ebony & Ivory, who are this time dressed as police officers . . . but Jamie still wants to molest the nuns. Does he still think he's dressed as a priest?
Finally, after an interminable amount of character building, Sheik Klinger ascends a dais to address the racers and do stand-up. Meanwhile, Captain Chaos arrives on the scene to order J.J. and the "nuns" around, just because he's a superhero and I guess that's what superheroes do. Even more finally, the racers take off and Bigfoot drives over a car, because it's not the mid-'80s without a Bigfoot reference.
A little down the road, Moe Green and Salvatore Tessio hatch a plot to stop Sheik Klinger by latching onto his car's bumper. Meanwhile, a cop chases Team Jaws Fu, but the Mitsubishi escapes capture when Jackie Chan unleashes the afterburner. Elsewhere, Moe Green and Salvatore Tessio attempt to enact their brilliant scheme, but, rather than stopping Sheik Klinger's car when they hook onto it, Sheik Klinger's car tears the mobsters' car in half. Yet even more elsewhere, Mel and Tony's orangutan flips off an old lady, so she crashes into a tire store and flips off the guy working there, just because.
Back in J.J. and Victor's car, one of the "nuns" rubs Victor the right way in the front seat while local highway patrolman Hunter (Fred Dreyer) goes in pursuit, but only ends up crashing because he was showing off for his rookie partner. At least he can rest easy knowing he's the only NFL player to score two safeties in a game and now he's the head of the KGB. Later, Moe Green and Salvatore Tessio, after recovering from their horrific accident earlier, fly a helicopter – badly – over the desert, intent on capturing Sheik Klinger's car with an electromagnet. This time, remarkably, the plan works perfectly as the magnet attaches to the top of Sheik Klinger's car; alas, the car is too heavy for the helicopter to lift, so Moe Green and Salvatore Tessio are stuck to the top of the car until they're tragically maimed when the car enters a tunnel. The car, meanwhile, escapes PERFECTLY UNHARMED.
That evening, after Mel feeds the orangutan and hilarity ensues, J.J., Victor, and the "nuns" sing and then Victor asks one of the "nuns" about her order. Rather than make up a cockamamie story on the spot, the "nuns" go to bed and J.J. and Victor share their lustful thoughts about the "nuns" while the "nuns"strip behind a curtain in the back of the limousine. The next morning, a sheriff pulls over J.J. and Victor and is quite skeptical as to their supposed mission of transporting nuclear waste across the country, especially when Victor tells him that he has radioactive breath. Umm . . . OK. Before the sheriff can call into the Army for verification, the sheriff's nephew, Private Jim Nabors, shows up and J.J. hires him to drive the limo to Connecticut. Somehow, this, plus the "nuns" intervention, convinces the sheriff to escort J.J. and Victor to the county line; as an act of gratitude J.J. Tells the sheriff to be on the lookout for two Communists posing as police officers and driving a red Corvette . . . which sounds suspiciously like Team Ebony & Ivory. Wow; how wonderfully familiar . . . although not half as funny as sex perverts dressed as priests.
While Team Ebony & Ivory plays chicken with some cops and then swear REVENGE, Mel and Tony's orangutan fights with Tony while Mel sits in the front of the car. Tony then joins him and lets the orangutan drive, which leads to them crashing into a house and ending up with Seymour's mom in the front seat. Huh? Later down the road, Team Ebony & Ivory runs J.J. and Victor off the road; meanwhile, Team HOT CHICK v2.0 commandeers some guy's car because they killed the gull-wing Mercedes. Elsewhere, Team Jaws Fu spies some bikers causing trouble on the side of the road, so they stop to rescue some shopkeepers. Jackie Chan fights them as per his particular idiom while Jaws eats watermelon. After the brawl, Jackie Chan hits on an Asian HOT CHICK, but Jaws steps in to cock block because they've got a race to run.
Meanwhile, strange things are afoot at a Circle K, as the "nuns" suddenly become HOT CHICKS, much to J.J. and Victor's alarm. Elsewhere, Frankie Pentangeli and Henry Silva attempt to catch Sheik Klinger by stringing a wire across the road, but they're foiled after the doctor and the servant shoot up and Sheik Klinger drives right through the wire. Up the road a bit, Team HOT CHICK v2.0 wrecks another car; meanwhile, J.J. and one of the fake nuns make out in the back of the limousine. Back to Team HOT CHICK v2.0, they meet up with tow-truck driver Joe Theismann – who is wearing a Oklahoma Outlaws cap . . . perhaps he's planning a heel turn to the USFL? – who hits on them, much to the HOT CHICKS chagrin. Their tune changes, however, when they spy Joe Theismann's truck, so they hijack it with Joe Theismann in tow . . . no pun intended.
Somewhere else, Team Jaws Fu goes underwater to evade some cops and then they nearly drown some hapless fishermen (Sid Caesar, Foster Brooks, and some other guy). Elsewhere, the ex-nuns convince J.J. to let Private Jim Nabors go, as he hasn't seen his family in years. Because nookie is a very persuasive weapon, J.J. relents . . . and leaves Private Jim Nabors standing on the side of the road. Now, in a plane, Moe Green and Salvatore Tessio – remarkably recovered from their helicopter crash even though it would've killed mere mortal men . . . unlike Abe Vigoda – fly and scheme with a HOT CHICK. After they land safely and hide the plane, Moe Green and Salvatore Tessio watch as the HOT CHICK flashes Sheik Klinger to distract him and the mobsters finally capture him. Yay!
Back in J.J.'s limousine, Victor and the other ex-nun get comfy in the back seat and reference Some Like It Hot. Meanwhile, clueless highway patrolmen Tim Conway and Don Knotts pull over Mel and Tony's orangutan and, believing the whole scene to be a prank set up for Candid Camera, they allow the orangutan to abuse them until Mel and Tony hightail it out of there. A little up the road, J.J. and Victor stop to find the other main teams waiting in the middle of the road for something. Through the helpful power of exposition, J.J. and Victor learn that Sheik Klinger is missing and then Jaws interrogates Morris to find out what the deal is and Morris crumbles under pressure. "Fenderbaum" must be Yiddish for "stool pigeon."
As the racers are outgunned in this fight, they seek a higher authority for help, so they go to Las Vegas to meet with . . . Frank Sinatra! After J.J. and Victor provide exposition, Frank Sinatra agrees to help in their mission and calls Don Don to enact the plan. Later, at Don Don's compound, Don Don meets with Jamie, who is masquerading as an agent for Frank Sinatra's latest opening act: J.J., Victor, and Morris dressed as women and singing The Supremes. While the three "girls" massacre "Stop in the Name of Love," Jamie chugs Jack Daniels, but, after the disturbingly bad performance, Don Don hires the act anyway because it came with Frank Sinatra's blessing and Don Don is spineless anyway.
Later in the afternoon, Telly Savalas shows up to collect his $9 million and he attacks his own bald henchman – who looks like Tor Johnson, which would be awesome on many, many levels, especially since Tor Johnson died thirteen years before this movie was made . . . so he'd be a zombie in the movie! – with a balsa-wood chair. After venting his frustration on the bald henchman, Telly Savalas insults the "girls" and takes $1 million from Don Don as an interest payment. After Telly Savalas takes his leave, the "girls" steal the $1 million and then they beat up some guys and find Sheik Klinger, who's being "tortured" by a cadre of HOT CHICKS clad only in lingerie. Wow . . . it's like he's stumbled into a taping of a VH1 dating show. Bret Michaels would be proud.
After freeing Sheik Klinger, J.J. and the gang try to escape; meanwhile, Telly Savalas tells Son Don that he wants the money, but they're rudely interrupted when J.J. and the "heroes" bumble their way into the scene, only to be cornered by Telly Savalas. Before Telly Savalas can exact his REVENGE, the other racers bust into the compound to rescue their cohorts and, like the other film, a brawl breaks out between the racers and the miscreants. Luckily for Joe Theismann, Lawrence Taylor isn't among them. While the "nuns" kick some hoodlums, Team HOT CHICK v2.0 hoses off some other guys. While all of this is going on, Morris and Don Don bond over jewelry in another room of the compound until Don Don makes the mistake of giving Morris his tiny little pistol . . . which sounds much dirtier than I thought it would.
With Don Don as a captive, the racers end the scrum and prepare to head for the exit until Sheik Klinger reveals that he's actually become a business partner with Don Don and he even pays off Telly Savalas to end that plot line. Sheik Klinger, now free from his HOT CHICK "torture," raises the stakes for the Cannonball Run to $2 million and the racers head out once more, this time becoming an animated red arrow on a crudely drawn map because the film wasted too much time with pointless plotlines and gags and now it has to hurry up to get to the resolution. Along the way, Jackie Chan plays Pac-Man and Frank Sinatra blows by Team Ebony & Ivory, just to illustrate how the Rat Pack hierarchy operates. Finally, in Connecticut, the orangutan makes out with King Khan, probably because he though they were both primates . . . or because the orangutan may or may not have won the race. Yay?
Even though I do contend that The Cannonball Run is a perfect candidate for a remake, it surely didn't need a sequel. Everything that The Cannonball Run did right, Cannonball Run II screwed up. Most significantly, the film lacks the fun tenor of its predecessor, as none of the stars look as though they want to be there, except maybe Henry Silva, but that's just because he's Henry Silva. Other than Henry Silva, all the acting and humor seems forced, undermining the film's entertainment value. As well, the repetition of gags within the film – there's only so much orangutan humor one can take – and from the first film make Cannonball Run II seem like a pale imitator of the first movie. Finally, the pacing is just wrong, as the racers never make it out of – at most – Nevada before the film kicks into high gear in the last five minutes as too much time was wasted on silliness earlier in the film. Cannonball Run II had a chance to blaze new trails but, alas, it merely backtracked down the same roads as the first film and, for that, it's a disappointing Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as I bring a film that isn't the third, "secret" Cannonball Run movie – because that isn't on DVD for some reason, but a reasonable facsimile thereof . . . and the 299th Misunderstood Masterpiece. See you then!
