Misunderstood Masterpieces: The Ice Pirates
Posted by Will Helm on 07.26.2005
…or, How to Kill a Genre with Just One Movie
I know it’s been a while, but for some reason, I’ve been hankering for a good, old-fashioned genre crossover. I know that previously we’ve done horror/teenage drama . . . as well as a few others I don’t recall at the moment. What can I say? I’ve been lazy lately. Anyway, there have been some good genre crossovers throughout the years; there’s the fairly common “dramedy” (drama/comedy) as well as the horror/comedy, a genre that – to many – originated with Evil Dead 2 and continued on to the Scream and Scary Movie franchises. Of course, now we’re inundated with these films to the point where even straight horror seems like a comedy. Seriously people . . . stop it. And going over to Japan won’t help you anymore either. The Ring just wasn’t that good. Get over it.
Anyway, one genre that has seemed to have slipped by the wayside with nary any consideration is the science-fiction comedy. Of course, the argument could be made that it would be mad to waste the big budget of a science-fiction film on a throwaway comedy. In addition – as most people know, other than Star Wars, I hate science-fiction – most sci-fi flicks are so bad that they become laughable anyway. Just ask Joel, Mike, Crow, Tom, and the rest of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 crew. Anyway, that’s not to say that there haven’t been science-fiction comedies. Well . . . I should say “science-fiction comedy,” as there’s really been only one major film of the genre. Yes, I know there may be others, but they’re either super-low-budget or foreign and, thus, don’t count. Said film, said sad film is the 1984 release The Ice Pirates. Hot off the heels of the original Star Wars trilogy and the blockbuster success of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, The Ice Pirates sought to add a little levity to a burgeoning genre and establish a place for laughter among the stars. Unfortunately, the film ended up going down in flames quicker than an experimental rocket . . . but was the failure warranted? You know what it’s time for, kids . . . it’s time to cut open the carcass and investigate further! Let’s get to it!
For some reason, the deepest reaches of space are teeming with red clouds. Hmm . . . it must be that time of the month in the galaxy. And then, just to let us all know that this is truly a science-fiction film, we get BOTH an expository screed and a voice-over, for all the illiterates in the audience. It seems, thanks to the helpful text and voice-over, that pirates are making a living by stealing – imagine this – ice due to a galaxy-wide drought. Of course, the pirates don’t have it too bad as their only seeming opposition is an army of really clumsy robots. Not to fear, though, since the pirates have some misshapen robots of their own. It’s like fighting fire with fire, just much less exciting.
While what seem to be tricked out toilet-paper rolls fly through space, a little dime-store spaceship docks on one of them. Intergalactic buccaneer Jason (the late, great Robert Urich) – probably a reference to the Argonaut and not the guy with the hockey mask – walks down a ladder, closely followed by punk Morticia Addams (Angelica Huston), a crappy robot or two, some black guy stereotypically named “Roscoe” (Michael D. Roberts), and Hellboy (Ron Perlman). The space raiders then slowly – VERY slowly – cut through a wall with a laser or something. The levels of technology in this film are a bit spotty, so excuse me for being a bit vague at times. Even though one of the robots actually gets nervous – they’re better actors at times than the humans in the film – the pirates break into the ship when Roscoe falls into an occupied bathroom. Yeah. Let the hilarity ensue. Instead of helping the defecating alien relieve himself, the pirates just run by and the last in the group knocks it out. Poor guy. Or girl. Or thing. Damned alien anatomy.
In one of the inner halls of the ship, the pirates find some creepy little robot on patrol; while deftly sidestepping the freaky robot, the pirates then accost a maid (Natalie Core) who has the terrible timing of walking into the fray. The gang of pirates then retreat into the maid’s seeming quarters to evade a group of knights – yes, knights – investigating the commotion in the bowels of their ship. Hmm . . . in that case maybe they should check on the alien in the bathroom; I’m sure it has some trouble with its bowels right about now. Anyway, the lead knight – complete with ‘70s porno-‘stache – knocks on the maid’s door and inquires as to just what’s going on. Honestly, I’d like to know myself. While Roscoe HILARIOUSLY impersonates the maid to get the porno-knight off the case, Jason wanders around the room and finds a HOT CHICK (Mary Crosby) sleeping under glass. Jason opens the case and the HOT CHICK starts smoking; I guess they have her packed in dry ice to keep her fresh . . . or at least her virginity. For some reason, Jason stuffs his hand in front of her nose, either checking for breathing or he wants her to smell it. You know, sometimes my fingers smell like garlic and I don’t know why. Is that bad? Or is that too much information? Anyway, Jason wants to take the HOT CHICK, but his buddies convince him not to do it since it’ll only cause problems later on. That’s usually the case, isn’t it?
Jason – upset that he can’t get a little on this trip – and the rest of the pirates then go for the ice on the ship, since they are the titular ice pirates and all. Somewhere along the line, Jason and his associates get into a swordfight – yes, a swordfight . . . dodgy technology – and Hellboy loses a hand. Meanwhile, the robots tussle and fight very badly and very clumsily, which I suppose is meant to be funny. Honestly, it’s just kind of dull. In the aftermath, Jason, proving just how treacherous an ice pirate can be, kills one of his own robots for being inefficient. Whoa . . . that’s heavy. Over in another part of the ship, some guy in a leotard and white wig watches Rollerball – the original, not the terrible remake – while other guys dressed as knights sit around the ship’s bridge. The pirates, doing what pirates do best, bust into the room and hijack the ship with little problem. To celebrate, they steal the ice and eat some chicken out of a vending machine. No, I am not lying, either. HILARITY, ladies and gentlemen. OK, gentlemen. OK . . . that guy over there. Thanks for reading, that guy over there! Jason, still looking to get his freak on with the frozen HOT CHICK, inquires about her to one of the knight guys in the bridge. Sadly, as Jason is too distracted by the sword in his pants, rather than the sword at his belt, one of the white wig guys in the room hits the alarm and, in the chaos, one of the robots gets decapitated. Hilariously, of course. Jason, seeing an opening to get an opening, runs off to kidnap the HOT CHICK; during the course of abducting her, that freaky little robot from earlier in the film rolls over to hump Jason’s leg. Yeah.
On another ship, while Jason makes it to his craft with the HOT CHICK over his shoulder, fake Steadman Graham – who must’ve been given this command by Galactic Highlord Oprah – tells the knights to find and shoot down the pirates. Meanwhile, the pirates take off with the booty – and the ice – and then proceed to play chicken with one of the knights’ ships. The pirates seemingly get away . . . for a second or two. In order to successfully evade the knights’ ship, the pirates break their ship into three separate little ships, like it were an old G.I. Joe toy or something. On the main ship, manned by Jason and Roscoe, the latter pirate uses a videogame interface to fend off the knights’ attack while Jason cheers him on and gets in the way. Roscoe’s skill is good, but he doesn’t last long against the onslaught of sprites and pixels and the knights, victorious, storm the ship. Once onboard, one of the crappy robots gets insolent and finds itself shot by one of the knights – yes, knights with laser guns . . . I don’t get it either – and some unnamed pirate is blasted in the crotch. Ouch.
Jason and Roscoe, now captives, are sent to prison for their crimes against water. In their traveling cell, they meet up with ex-football player John “Sloth” Matuszak. Sloth, being a nice guy, informs Jason and Roscoe of their collective sentence: castration. Oh, feel the hilarity! While Jason and Roscoe cower uncomfortably, the prison ship flies close to some planet and the rest of the inmates get all excited when they see it for no reason in particular. Once on the planet, Roscoe mulls over going straight if they get out of this; meanwhile, the guys meet some Communist guy and Sloth escapes his sentence by masquerading as a monk. Farther into the planet, the pirates and their fellow inmates are all ingloriously strapped to a conveyor belt, stripped, and shaved. The Communist guy is first to get clipped, but the HOT CHICK – who somewhere along the line we learn is named Princess Karina – intervenes to rescue Jason’s and Roscoe’s manhoods. That’s awful nice of her, but I’m sure this will come into play later in the film . . . no pun intended. Or maybe there is an intended pun there. I’m just not telling you where it is. So there.
Later that day, the princess and the maid from earlier in the film visit the eunuch shop, where Jason and Roscoe are on display. The princess, totally unsurprisingly, purchases the two pirates; afterward, the maid – since she’s pretty much only there for expository reasons – explains to Jason and Roscoe the gist of what’s going on with the plot. Thank you, old lady! Later, the princess goes to a disco – in space! – where there is the usual terrible dancing and music. White people are lame, even in the future. Later, just to give us a bad visual pun, some annoying ‘80s club chick gets “high” . . . literally. Oh, movie . . . my side is splitting! OK, not really. Meanwhile, some crusty guy – and I really don’t have any idea what his character’s name is, so he gets no credit – chats with the princess about the fate of the pirates. Can you say filling time? Anyway, in a closet filled with clumsy robots, Roscoe finds Sloth somewhat incognito and wearing a suit of armor to blend in. Because that’s REALLY a great disguise. He requests some cake from Roscoe, but we never find out whether or not he gets it. Though it’s too bad he didn’t ask for ice cream, Rocky Road specifically. And I think you all know why.
The princess, finally letting the pirates and us in on the rest of the plot, tells Jason that she wants to go to the “pirates’ moon” and she wants he and Roscoe to take her there. Meanwhile, the crusty dude, perhaps sensing that something’s up, gets paranoid and orders his knights to take out the princess and the pirates! Ooh . . . TENSION! Jason, Roscoe, Sloth, and the princess make a run for it and then Jason hijacks a motorcycle and they speed out of there with Sloth hanging from their back bumper. On the road and with the knight police giving chase, Jason runs over a robot family on the street – which is probably supposed to be funny but comes off as disturbing and cruel; meanwhile, Roscoe and Sloth, who must’ve somehow gotten separated from Jason and the princess . . . but we’re not really sure how, hitch a ride with a stereotypically jive-talkin’ robot pimp and they and their colleagues escape the planet with ease.
On the escape ship, the princess shows Jason a picture of Jeff Foxworthy, or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof. It seems that this mustachioed chap has information regarding the whereabouts of her father, who has been missing and is presumed dead while on his quest for more water. With that helpful bit of exposition taken care of, Jason and the princess then argue about the handling of the ship and the princess drives an awfully hard bargain. Roscoe, since he’s the only smart one on the ship, figures out what’s going on and does what the princess says out of fear. Yeah, he’s strong-willed and all. Elsewhere, the crusty guy visits some old arthritic dude who’s strapped into what looks like a cheap carnival ride. The old guy or the crusty guy or both of them provide more exposition . . . as if this movie needed more of it. Apparently, there’s some whole secret subplot going on that we really have no idea about; more than likely it just involves the crusty guy wanting to hook up with the princess. That’s usually the case, honestly.
Later, the pirates go to the ubiquitous pirate moon; on the way there Jason has a very dull expository conversation with some dockworker via videophone. Yawn. Meanwhile, the real excitement is going on under a desk, where a gnarly egg slowly hatches, releasing a stream of mucilaginous goo and a very angry-looking phallic alien thing. The slimy interloper slides along the floor and attacks Roscoe, who was peacefully sleeping in his bunk until the alien thing rudely interrupted him. He and Jason fend it off, but the horror and hilarity continues when they discover what it is: a space herpes. Hmm . . . why do I have the feeling there’s going to be a This Is Spinal Tap-esque cold sore gag coming?
Down on the planet, the pirates and the princess disembark just in time to catch a catfight raging on the street. Yes, that’s right . . . a CATFIGHT!!! Joey Styles would still be proud. Meanwhile, a fake Will Ferrell guy flips up his sunglasses and stares at the pirates as they drive by. Foreshadowing, perhaps? The pirates and the princess end up at the local bar, where they finally meet up with their colleagues from earlier in the picture. Minutes later, most of the gang exits to another watering hole, leaving Jason, the princess, and Morticia behind. Jason, needing a sweet ride in order to find fake Jeff Foxworthy on the planet, pimps out the princess to some amphibian thing. Ironically, it turns out that the amphibian thing is a she and that she’s quite attracted to the strapping Jason. And maybe attracted to strapping Jason as well; frog-people are notoriously into S&M. While Jason goes over to sweet talk the frog, the princess provides YET MORE exposition – this movie has far too much talking and not enough actual comedy – until she’s rudely interrupted by some big burly guy asking for a dance. The princess politely refuses, so he orders his henchman, fake Will Ferrell, to convince the princess otherwise. Morticia, being a tough chick, steps to the princess’ defense; Will Ferrell tries to impress her by chopping up the bar table. Really, I just think it was all a bunch of worthless gesticulations. Morticia obviously agrees with me, as she swiftly decapitates fake Will Ferrell with one stroke. Oops.
The next day – apparently, as it’s now light out – Jason, the princess, and the frog-thing drive through the desert in search of Jeff Foxworthy. No word on whether or not Leonard Nimoy is tagging along, though. Anyway, the alien thing driving the car tries to put some moves on Jason, but he just encourages her to keep her attentions on the road . . . or lack thereof. After a seeming eternity of driving, the trio comes upon a bevy of tents with asses and ducks running around them. Yeah, that means they must be where they’re supposed to be, since you might be a redneck if you live in the middle of the desert around a bunch of tents with asses and ducks running around. Although it really must’ve taken them a long time to get there as, instead of finding everyone’s favorite redneck comic, they discover an old guy (Robert Symonds) there. He explains that they really weren’t long at all; he just got aged in a time warp. And where is said time warp? Well, it’s just a jump to the left and then a step to the right, of course. Yeah, that was cheap . . . I know. Anyway, he explains to the princess that her father made it all the way through the time warp unharmed and, once there, he found a planet that is so amazing that it apparently made him and his crew born-again Christians. Or, at least, that’s what the old guy’s rhetoric sounds like.
After this dull bit of exposition, the group is rudely interrupted by a party of raiders driving up in what appears to be a float from one of the Oakland Raiders’ championship parades. Ironic, considering that they’re raiders driving it. While Jason and the princess try to make a run for it – and the frog-lady apparently disappears altogether – the old guy gets all crotchety and refuses to run. Jason and the princess convince him to move and then they run all through the tents, which are blowing up around them from the raiders’ badly drawn laser blasts. The raiders, of course, give chase and, through a serendipitous series of events, Jason ends up being dragged behind the frog-lady’s car as if this were some old gladiator movie or something. The raiders, meanwhile, run over a mannequin that was once supposed to be one of their own. Yeah, it was just that fake. Jason, heroic hero that he is, somehow ends up hijacking the raiders’ sweet ride and he drives it into a randomly placed gas tank, jumping off just before the great conflagration. Jason: Road Warrior. Somehow, the old guy is in a lot of pain, so he gives Jason and the princess a mission to complete – they have to find some guy on some other planet that knows the whereabouts of the princess’ father – before dying melodramatically.
Later, on the pirate ship, there’s yet MORE exposition . . . and a plethora of new clumsy robots. It’s nice to see they got their money’s worth with those costumes. The pirates once again blast off into the cold blackness of space; on the ship, one of the robots dutifully feeds the asses that hitched a ride on the craft. Because that’s what this movie needed: asses. Anyway, Hellboy cooks dinner for his fellow travelers while his pirate brethren read encyclopedias in a not-so-subtle attempt to infuse EVEN MORE exposition into the movie. Ugh. I thought this was supposed to be funny? Master chef Hellboy serves up a roast chicken but, before the crew can chow down on the yummy meal, the space herpes ejects itself from the fowl and skitters back underneath one of the many consoles in the room. Of course, everyone freaks out as if it had just jumped out of John Hurt’s abdomen or something. Ridley Scott wouldn’t be proud, just mildly annoyed.
After skipping dinner, the pirates land their ship on a stinky, steamy planet somewhere in some random galaxy in search of the princess’ father. In reality, it just looks more like a soundstage with some trees and an overzealous fog machine. Oh, and there’s also some burly chick with a mullet and a unicorn there too. And, lest we forget, her sorority sisters, who all ambush the princess, Jason, and Roscoe and drag the former two through the fog on the floor! While Roscoe wanders around behind, the mullet sorority bring Jason and the princess to their house and introduce them to their chapter’s house mom: Bruce Vilanch! No, really . . . it’s everyone’s favorite modern version of JM J. Bullock, Bruce Vilanch. And he’s dressed as King Herod from Jesus Christ Superstar, no less. I guess if you really HAVE to be fabulous, there’s no out-Heroding Herod. Vilanch, perhaps in retaliation for being stuck in the square next to Whoopi Goldberg, takes his aggressions out on Jason and tries to have the dashing pirate killed. Before any murdering can take place, however, Roscoe swings in and kicks Vilanch’s head off! No, seriously! Of course, Vilanch was only a cyborg head attached to a mechanical body – if only that were true in real life! – but it’s still pretty impressive. In the resulting chaos, Jason subdues Vilanch and holds of his henchwomen by standing on Vilanch’s head. Vilanch, dastardly . . . thing that he is, asks for a Tylenol. Umm . . . just how does everyone in this scene know just what a Tylenol is? Weird cultural references like that have no place in science fiction, people!
Vilanch, who, in the immortal words of Louis Prima, “ain’t got no body” – some jokes never get old – is held hostage by the pirates and, therefore, agrees to take the princess to her father. The princess, elated, finds her father in one of the chambers of the grandiosely decorated sorority house; unfortunately for her, it’s not her father at all, but just a really fancy robot. Oh well. Movie’s over, I guess. Or not, as, back on the pirates’ ship, the princess forces Vilanch to spit up her father’s ring; disgustingly, Vilanch does. Even more disgustingly . . . if the ring’s in Vilanch’s mouth, then just where was the princess’ father wearing it? Ick. It’s not SO bad, though, as the princess’ father, crafty soul that he is, left a message for her in a hologram imbedded in the ring. Yeah, it’s just as unbelievable as you would think. Anyway, the princess’ father gives his daughter and the pirates the coordinates to the magical mystery water planet and they head there hastily. Well, not before the princess breaks down for no particular reason and Jason dashingly swears to find her father . . . and Roscoe reveals that he built a black robot, just because.
One of those things is not like the others.
Sometime later, Jason strides heroically down the halls of the ship dressed as a stereotypical pirate, complete with unbuttoned – and tied! – puffy shirt. Masculinely, Jason stands outside the princess’ quarters and listens as she moans with pleasure . . . as her personal butler robot was giving her a massage. Then again, this could give a whole new meaning to the term “battery-operated boyfriend.” The princess, flush with satisfaction and obviously cold and braless, meets Jason at the door because she and he are going to GET IT ON! In the inner chambers of her room, Jason and the princess re-enact poses from romance-novel covers – Fabio would be proud – and then she breathes really heavily while making terrible puns about Jason’s sword. Ugh. Because of the “program” Jason decided to use in the room, it starts raining on them while they copulate passionately. Then, in the moment of climax, an alarm sounds! No, seriously.
You see, the evil crusty guy, since he is evil and crusty, trailed the pirates to this very spot at the cusp of the time warp in order to follow them to the amazing water planet! The evil knights raid the pirate ship and – since they’re entering a time warp – the film starts to speed up at random, hilarious intervals. Or not. We find out, through the wonders of a super-fast plot, that the princess is pregnant! Nine months or so later, which must’ve been about a minute or so in real time, Jason sees his infant son for the first time and gets peed on for his troubles. Elsewhere, there’s a giant fight in warp speed – literally – while the maid turns into a skeleton and Hellboy dies of old age. Sloth is unceremoniously killed off after doing nothing of note for the past hour or so and then elderly versions of the princess, Jason, and Roscoe – with a prodigious afro – stand by as the crusty guy breaks into the ship only to be fended off by Jason and the princess’ full grown progeny! Exciting? No, not really. The pirates come out of the warp, back to where they were before that whole absurd scene; meanwhile, the evil crusty guy got stuck because he was off by one degree. Oops. That’ll teach him to mess with the time-space continuum. The pirates and the princess then rejoice because, in front of them, in all its glory, is the wondrous and mythical water planet . . . and it’s Earth! You have got to be kidding me. That’s so lame! Damn you, movie.
You know, when I was a kid all those years ago, I used to watch this movie whenever it was on HBO or wherever. I don’t know why; I just did. Fast forward fifteen years or so to now and I was so ready to just say that this is a terrible film but an entertaining guilty pleasure. Unfortunately, it’s not. It’s just horrid. The Ice Pirates, despite being a “science-fiction comedy,” isn’t at all funny. In fact, I could probably count on one hand the number of honest laughs in the film, aside from all the insipid moments that you can’t help make fun of. Do I feel bad about this? I really do, honestly; this is another part of my childhood ruined by experience of the world. Oh wait . . . it’s really not. It’s just a bad movie and an unequivocal Misunderstood Masterpiece. So much for pathos!
Join me next week as we watch a talented, Oscar-winning actor humiliate himself for money and HOT CHICKS. It’s a Texas-sized column you won’t want to miss!
