Misunderstood Masterpieces: Summer School
Posted by Will Helm on 08.16.2005
…or, Where the Downfall of American Education Begins
For the past twenty years, if not longer, education in the United States has been lambasted and ridiculed at home and abroad. Due to terrible test scores, mass illiteracy, lagging mathematics and science skills, woeful drop-out rates, as well as other factors, the quality of the American educational system has been painted in a less-than-flattering light, especially when compared with high-pressure nations in Europe and Asia. States and municipalities, in order to stem the rising tide of ill will, turned to vouchers, charter schools, and other measures while the federal government insists wholeheartedly that no child will be left behind. Unfortunately, none of it seems to be working . . . but why? What could be the great obstacle impeding the resurrection of the American educational system? For the answer to that, look no further than 1987’s Summer School.
The seemingly light-hearted Summer School comes from a very rarified film tradition, stemming back to – at least – the 1950s: the high school picture. Whether wacky comedy or heartfelt drama, a picture set in high school is nearly guaranteed to connect with a large audience, due to the common themes and experiences therein. Though the characters are often nothing more than barely three-dimensional stereotypes – à la The Breakfast Club – these broad strokes ensure that a great percentage of the viewers can say, with some veracity, “I knew a guy/girl like that!” And so, with these stereotypes in mind, we soldier on to the study of this week’s seemingly innocuous offering . . . but, like that creepy girls’ track coach, there’s something sinister underneath the levity and, in this obscured mystery, lies the answer to our original inquiry as well. Don’t believe me? Read on and discover the truth!
Somewhere in America there’s a beach – and, from the preponderance of big hair and big sunglasses, it’s the ‘80s – and, nearby, there’s a high school. Now, this isn’t just any day of the school year, but perhaps one of the best and most important: the last day of the year! While most of the student body readies for their three months of freedom, a fat cop (who would be far more armed in today’s high schools) distributes slips of paper to seemingly random students. Meanwhile, in the gym, the wacky and hip gym teacher, Freddy Shoop (Mark Harmon), plays with his dog and reviews just what he and his class have learned the past year . . . which is pretty much nothing of consequence. Over in the auditorium, some stuffy principal guy (Robin Thomas) addresses the students unlucky enough to receive the mysterious slips of paper; it seems that they’re not just unfortunate, they’re also stupid, as they flunked the state-mandated English exam and are now relegated to weeks of remedial summer school. Dum-dum-DUM! Although it’s nice that we set up the premise – and title – of the film within the first five minutes of the movie. Efficiency is always a plus in my book . . . not that I have a book. But I’d like to have a book. Do you hear that, publishers?
After the class of seemingly unrelated ne’er-do-wells resign themselves to another month or so of slaving away in class, the rest of the student body runs out of the building as the final bell rings! Riot! School’s out for summer! Alice Cooper would be clichéd. I mean “proud.” Within the bowels of the school, the film’s director, Carl Reiner, wins an instant lottery ticket and quits teaching summer school . . . because of the $50,000 prize. Alright, here’s one of the problems with American education: teachers are so underpaid for their skills that $50,000 seems like a lot of money. Don’t worry; I’m sure there’ll be more evidence to come. Then again, I’ve already watched the whole film, so I should know. The stuffy principal guy, now without a summer school teacher, runs comically around the parking lot in front of the school searching for a replacement. The other teachers, wisely, blow him off and hightail it out of Dodge . . . except for Shoop. You see, he’s too busy celebrating his impending Hawaiian holiday with his jailbait girlfriend to notice the stuffy principal’s quest. Shoop, finally catching on, tries to hide from the principal guy, but the stuffy principal blackmails Shoop into teaching summer school by holding the carrot of tenure over his head. Shoop, nonplussed, tries to explain the situation to his jailbait, but she calmly decides the best course of action is to go to Hawaii by herself. Poor Shoop.
Sometime later or the next day or week or whenever, Shoop goes into his empty classroom where he meets with neighborly history teacher Kirstie Alley. Of course, she’s not really a Fat Actress yet, so we’ll just call her Robin Bishop for now. Mainly because that’s her character’s name and not a name that I made up randomly just to be funny. Because, as everyone knows, I’m not funny. Shoop, naïve gym teacher that he is, is optimistic about the collective intelligence and makeup of his class . . . or he’s just trying to impress Ms. Bishop with his teacherly authority. Either way, it doesn’t work, as she just leaves him to his class . . . and what a class it is! The first individuals Shoop meets while trying to take roll are your stereotypical – get used to that term – freaks, Francis “Chainsaw” Gremp (Dean Cameron) and his running buddy/lackey/heterosexual life partner Dave Frazier (Gary Riley). Chainsaw and Dave, foreseeing a summer of fun and gym teacher-led hijinks, celebrate by partying right there in class, much to their stereotypically wacky classmates’ amusement. As for these classmates, I think it’s time for a tried and true roll call; there’s Kevin, the jock (JAG’s Patrick Labyorteaux); Pam, the spacey surfer chick (Courtney Thorne-Smith); Denise, the “sassy” chick (Kelly Jo Minter); Rhonda, the pregnant chick (Shawnee Smith); Alan, the nerd (Richard Horvitz); Larry, the sleeping guy (Ken Olandt); Jerome, the giant black guy (Duane Davis); and some guy with long hair who just hangs around but they never name. I think he’s the one that scores their weed.
After Jerome leaves the class for a bathroom break – setting up a LONG joke – Shoop goes in search of his now missing car keys. Chainsaw, the violently tinged class clown, mocks Shoop and then the students decide to walk out while Shoop is distracted. Shoop settles them down and then they all start shouting obscenities for no particular reason. This cloud of hurled vulgarity piques the interest of Ms. Bishop, who teaches next door; she strolls over to complain and suggests that the class switch to gestures, of which she provides a few choice ones of her own. Later that afternoon, Shoop, looking to defrock Ms. Bishop, apologizes for the class’ lewdness earlier in the day and then he asks her out on a date. She must not have a soft spot for uncouth language as she blows off Shoop again . . . and reveals that she’s dating the stuffy principal guy!
At the next class, Pam tells Shoop she has to leave due to “female problems”; Shoop allows it, but Chainsaw – rightly – protests. Equality must be equal, menses or not. Anyway, the principal guy, for absolutely no reason other than just to shoehorn another HOT CHICK into the film, brings an Italian foreign exchange student into class. Anna-Maria (Fabiana Udenio) quickly endears herself to a very interested Chainsaw and Dave who amuse the foreign HOT CHICK with their bewildering antics. Shoop, losing control of the class once more, this time due to the new breasts – I mean, “student” – elects to assign book reports to the class, which is merely an excuse to get out of the stuffy classroom and head over to the somewhat less stuffy library. Once there, we discover yet another problem with the U.S. school system: the most advanced book for the stereotypical nerd to read is Horton Hears a Who. Now, far be it from me to criticize the artistic merit of Dr. Seuss, but you’d think there’d be something a little more challenging in those racks. I guess the local housewives burned anything remotely controversial the year before; I wonder if Fahrenheit 451 was included in the conflagration. Meanwhile, Chainsaw and Dave, perhaps doing their part for international relations – or looking to have some international relations, if you catch my drift . . . and I think you do – quiz Anna-Maria about their favorite movie in the whole universe, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Tellingly, as this is 1987, they don’t have to bother specifying which version of the film they’re referring to. Anna-Maria, who should fear for her life right about now, is actually interested in what her two freaky classmates have to say . . . or is merely confused and is humoring them with the usual Italian aplomb. Later, the fat cop from earlier in the film shows up in the library with a few refugee students and Pam, who, it turns out, was on a surfboard and not on the rag.
Shoop, understanding the plight of his charges, decides that they should make summer school a bit more like summer vacation and that means one thing: field trips. In the name of remedial English, Shoop and the gang head off to a go-kart track (because “go-kart” is such a proper spelling). They follow up their high-speed adventures with even more velocity, this time at the local amusement park; once there, Chainsaw and Dave painstakingly critique a rollercoaster for Anna-Maria while Alan pukes in a trash can. Because when I want to bond with the HOT CHICK foreign exchange student, someone vomiting nearby always helps. Even more later or the next day or sometime after, the students go to a petting zoo, where unlikely love blooms between Kevin, the jock, and pregnant Rhonda; Shoop and surfer Pam; and Chainsaw and Dave and Anna-Maria. Honestly, that’s one threesome I NEVER want to see. The next day, the class heads over to the beach, where Anna-Maria, not knowing the Puritanical American customs, nearly gets naked; much to Chainsaw’s and Dave’s chagrins, Denise intervenes to keep Anna-Maria from loosing her prodigious bosom. While the students frolic and play volleyball badly on the sandy shore, Alan’s grandmother rats out Shoop to the stuffy principal guy. Dum-dum-DUM!
Shoop’s jig now being up, the principal confronts the rebellious ersatz English teacher with the overwhelming evidence and suspends him . . . until Shoop vows to go legit. Frighteningly, the stuffy principal guy actually agrees to the bargain, instead of rightly firing Shoop and insisting on a much more qualified instructor for the class. I guess we could consider the quality of the teachers to be another problem in American schools. At the next class, Shoop – clad in a “straight-laced” suit – first tries to assert his will over the class; failing to coerce the students by force, he then decides to level with them regarding his precarious position in the school. The bulk of the students are unimpressed with Shoop’s honesty, but Alan, the nerd, takes Shoop at his word and intervenes . . . which is only fitting, as he was the reason that Shoop is in the mess that he’s in. Alan, perhaps desiring to be a labor lawyer later in life, then negotiates a contract between Shoop and his fellow students wherein the students will be studious and conscientious and, in return, Shoop will grant them all wacky wishes. Shoop, now forced to actually teach, goes to Ms. Bishop for advice on the matter. Either that, or he’s really just playing dumb so he can see what she wears under her robe. Over that weekend, Ms. Bishop teaches Shoop how to teach while she eats Chocodiles . . . and so the conversion to modern-day Kirstie Alley begins. Shoop, instead of applying himself to the material, instead tries to play off that he knows that Ms. Bishop wants him and is afraid to admit it. Seriously, you just know they’re going to end up together simply because Shoop is cool and the stuffy principal guy is a total square, daddy-o.
When did this turn into The Blackboard Jungle?
At the next class, Shoop begins by teaching the class how to write business letters under the guise of a formal complaint and request for free merchandise. Later, he grants Kevin’s wish and introduces the jock to the wonderful world of homoerotic love . . . or Shoop simply helps him practice football. To some, there may be little difference, especially if they were both unclothed at the time. Anyway, that evening Shoop accompanies Rhonda to Le Mans, where they come in fourth in a stunning finish. Oh, wait . . . Lamaze. Not “Le Mans.” Oops. The next day, Shoop gives Denise a driving lesson and is amazed at her almost paranoid cautiousness. Well, it’s one thing to be safe, it’s another to be dangerously so. That weekend, Chainsaw and Dave cash in one of their wishes and have a GIANT party at Shoop’s beachfront abode. Once there, Chainsaw and Dave add to the festivities by blowing up cantaloupes in honor of Anna-Maria’s inflated melons. How sweet. Meanwhile, Kevin and Rhonda chat on a pier and love blooms between them; I guess he’s taken one too many head shots, because no jock goes after the pregnant chick . . . although he doesn’t have to worry about knocking her up. Hmm. Elsewhere, Shoop takes a respite from the festivities and chills out in his room. He’s not totally isolated, though, as Pam comes in to visit and, after lying on the bed next to her teacher, confesses that spawning fish are romantic. Umm . . . yeah. It seems that she wants some Shoop lovin’ and she actually rationalizes statutory rape, but Shoop – wisely – is having none of it. Mary K. Letourneau laughs at you, Mr. Shoop. The party then comes to an abrupt end when Shoop’s dog sets fire to his couch and then Chainsaw and Dave cook a goldfish. Seriously.
Later that weekend or some other time, some random cops hassle Chainsaw and Dave who are, unwisely, drinking on the beach. Shoop, dressed like a Ventura Beach gigolo, rollerskates over to see what the trouble is; Shoop, clever individual that he is, skillfully defends Chainsaw and Dave against a warranted under-aged drinking arrest . . . but then he’s arrested in their stead. Uh-oh. At the pokey, the shirtless, tanned Shoop is hit on by the screws; later, he calls Ms. Bishop and asks her to bail him out. She does, but not before the stuffy principal guy finds out about Shoop’s arrest and Shoop makes a “friend” in the jail. Yup . . . he’s the bitch. Once more at his house, Shoop and his dog eat peanut butter and jelly off of his finger while Shoop opines for some sincere female appreciation. And where does he go looking for said appreciation? An exotic male revue, of course! Once there, Shoop smartly tries to make time with the ladies – unless you thought his time behind bars “changed” him – but he finds no luck with them. He does, however, find Larry the narcoleptic student working there, much to Shoop’s surprise.
In class, Chainsaw and Dave, sharing a collective conscious, read a very redundant paper about the person they admire most: Hollywood makeup wizard Rick Baker. Meanwhile, Pam reveals that she admires Shoop, but Denise has no love for her ex-boyfriend since she’s “sassy” and filled with rage. She does throw Shoop for a loop, though, when she refuses to turn in her paper and reveals that she memorized it . . . for some reason. Shoop dismisses the class and then announces another field trip: to his trial. Jurisprudence is cool! Of course, criminal teachers could be construed as yet another problem of U.S. schools, so maybe it’s not that cool. Later that afternoon, Shoop returns home to find Pam and her luggage there; it seems that her wacky wish was to move in with Shoop. Shoop is reluctant, but Pam makes a convincing case so he agrees and she celebrates by telling her blond, blue-eyed surfer family. Hmm . . . gives new meaning to the term “surf Nazi,” doesn’t it?
At the next lesson, the students watch a Chainsaw and Dave led screening of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and, thankfully, Jessica Biel is nowhere to be seen. After the movie concludes, Chainsaw learns that his complaint letter from earlier in the film was successful and he now has a plethora of free, crappy ‘80s sunglasses to distribute to his classmates. Meanwhile, Kevin and Rhonda plan on going to Lamaze together and Denise asks Alan for some help with her letter; Alan, young and naïve, then learns the shocking truth about Denise and shares his findings with Shoop: she’s a transsexual! Oh, wait. She’s just dyslexic. But she’s sassy! Later, Shoop and Ms. Bishop discuss Denise’s dyslexia and then he gets her to kind of admit that she’s not really into the stuffy principal guy . . . because, as we all know, he’s a total square. Shoop, still seeking to do naughty deeds with Ms. Bishop, lets on a bit that he wants her . . . but she doesn’t want him. Yet. We can’t forget that he’s hip and cool and chicks dig that.
Sometime later – this movie really crams a lot of unrelated action into a six-week period – Denise and Chainsaw, with Shoop in tow, take their driving tests. Denise, since she applied herself to Shoop’s teachings, passes, but Chainsaw wrecks Shoop’s car – which he hilariously borrowed – while flirting with the balding guy giving the test. Luckily for Shoop, he has Pam’s tasty cooking to return home to and, tonight, there’s manicotti on the menu! While Pam fusses in the kitchen for her teacher, Ms. Bishop comes over unannounced for a visit and is rightly freaked out by the unconventional living arrangements. Shoop, since he’s hip and cool, is nonchalant about the whole situation . . . until Ms. Bishop stokes his conscience. Shoop goes back inside and tells Pam that he’s not the one for her and infers that it’s time for her to move back out; just like any immature, infatuated sixteen-year-old, Pam overreacts and then gets surprisingly eloquent. Oh no . . . she’s turning emo.
On the day of Shoop’s trial, Larry surprises everyone by revealing that he’s now awake and unemployed due to an unfortunate – and disgusting – run-in with his mother and aunt. Eew. That’d be enough to send any man’s Oedipal complex out of whack for a long time. Freud would be proud. At the courthouse, the judge is remarkably sympathetic to Shoop’s plight – this isn’t a treatise on lax judiciary, so I won’t make anymore mention of it – but Dave and Chainsaw decide to “help” his case anyway, which really just involves Dave forgetting his Fifth Amendment rights and incriminating himself in the procurement his and Chainsaw’s alcohol. After Ms. Bishop – there with the stuffy principal guy – speaks up on Shoop’s behalf, the judge simply lets Chainsaw and Dave off with warnings and acquits Shoop of his crimes. Unfortunately, much like the Chicago Black Sox of 1919, Shoop may have been innocent in a court of law, but he isn’t in the eyes of the stuffy principal guy, who reads our hero the riot act because Shoop’s antics could cost him a seat in the state assembly. Ah, yet another problem: too many ulterior motives among administrators. Then again, we are all political animals, so that should be expected. Unfortunately for the stuffy principal guy, his lecture to Shoop finally convinces Ms. Bishop that he really is a square and Shoop is the hip, cool guy she always wanted . . . but not quite yet.
At the next class – you’d think I’d be tired of typing that at this point . . . and you’d be right – Shoop, seeing the writing on the proverbial wall (even though the whole “writing on the wall” spiel is actually in the Book of Daniel), requests a bit more work from his class as the all-important exam is only days away. Instead of complying like mature young adults, the students pull a T.O. and hold out to renegotiate the terms of their original contract. Shoop, playing Andy Reid to his charges’ Terrell Owens, has a fit due to their audacity and walks out; on the way to his car, he bids adieu to Ms. Bishop and she unsuccessfully tries to convince him to stay . . . because you just know she wants some Shoop lovin’ now. The stuffy principal guy, emboldened by his moral victory over the unorthodox Shoop – fear of change and new ideas is another impediment to the development of education – takes over the class; the so-called “delinquents” respond to his false air of authority by humming. The next day, the situation takes a turn for the worse as the stuffy principal brings in an elementary-school substitute and they find a MASSACRE! Chainsaw and Dave have finally snapped! I guess the counselors go on vacation in the summer, which must be the unfortunate cause of this bloodshed. Luckily, as this is twelve years before Columbine, the scene of carnage is merely a staged ruse meant to convince the principal that the symbiotic relationship between the class and Shoop must not be broken . . . or else.
Speaking of Shoop, he’s chilling on the beach where he passes the time eating ice cream and getting ticked off at his dog for no reason. His students, breaking free from the intellectual shackles of school and still clad in their latex appliances, meet with Shoop and convince him to return. Their arguments must be sound as he leaves behind his life of leisure and returns to the job; the Dude would so not be proud. The students, meanwhile, to finally prove their sincerity to Shoop, study like mad . . . in methods as per their particular – stereotypical – idioms. In the last session of class before the big exam, Shoop enthusiastically encourages his students and then he returns home to cut the head off a rag doll for his dog. Next thing you know he’s going to start shooting young couples . . . because the dog told him to. Anyway, while Shoop slowly turns into a serial killer, Chainsaw has a paranoid nightmare regarding the rapidly approaching exam . . . because psychoses are hilarious!
Finally, at the exam, Shoop acts as proctor while the suspicious stuffy principal posts the fat cop from WAY earlier in the film in the auditorium as well. After the giant black guy from the beginning of the movie returns from the bathroom – his zipper was uproariously stuck – Shoop begins the test. But how can the students concentrate when there’s terrible ‘80s pop playing in the background? While Shoop sleeps and the stuffy principal schemes, Rhonda goes into labor, since I guess the baby doesn’t like ‘80s pop either. After the exam concludes, Rhonda heads to the hospital . . . and then she quickly recovers in a day or even a few hours from the whole pregnancy thing in time to tell the rest of the class that she’s giving the baby up for adoption. Wow; for a second there, I thought this was Crossroads . . . but there the fake pregnant belly was much, much worse. And we can at least understand what Shawnee Smith is saying. Oh, and then Shoop shows up to tell everyone that they failed and he’s getting fired. Yay!
Anyway, Shoop finally ends up at a tribunal in front of the stuffy principal guy and his boss, the SUPERPRINCIPAL! Just before Shoop is to sign his forced resignation, his students and their parents show up to defend Shoop’s unconventional teaching methods. For example, Chainsaw’s father is proud of his son because he always thought Chainsaw was an idiot. Way to instill self-esteem there, pops. Shoop, taking a hint from Chainsaw’s father’s speech, steals the individual test results from the SUPERPRINCIPAL and then he reads them all off and – here’s the biggest problem with American education – starts making excuses for their failure! See, the whole moral of this story is that the bulk of his students may have failed, but they didn’t fail as badly the second time as they did the first time! That’s like telling a pitcher that gave up a home run that it’s alright because it could have been a grand slam. Ugh. Just ugh. Anyway, the stuffy principal rightly contends that Shoop should be out of a job – though just how qualified to teach English is a gym teacher in the first place? – since the pact he and Shoop made earlier was that his students had to pass but the SUPERPRINCIPAL overrules him and grants Shoop tenure. The students celebrate and the downfall of American schools begins . . . but not before Shoop and Ms. Bishop make out on the beach and Shoop’s dog finds its severed doll head and wants to join into his master’s action. Yes, the film ends with an inferred bestial threesome. Deal with it.
You know, since this film marks the beginning of the end of great American education, it’s a shame it doesn’t include follow-up biographies of the students at the end of the film, à la National Lampoon’s Animal House, among others. In that case, I think it behooves me to provide some information regarding the fates of our friendly classmates . . .
-- Alan got a job as a labor-relations executive for Wal-Mart.
-- Pam went into marine biology, where she wrote a lauded paper about how global warming was good for the oceans because poached fish are tasty.
-- Kevin became an obstetrician who later had his license revoked due to dalliances with his patients; the President had him in mind when he said that doctors of his discipline “love the women.”
-- Rhonda fell in love with and married an infertile man . . . who always wondered why she ended up pregnant over and over and over again.
-- Larry opened a controversial psychological practice that advocated incest between mother and son. It was only open at night.
-- Denise became a driving instructor; her students were noted for shouting “POTS!” when they came to a halt at a corner.
-- Chainsaw and Dave run a successful antiques business in Vermont and they’ve been happily committed to each other for nearly five years.
-- Anna-Maria went back to Italy and is a vocal critic of the opulence and amorality of American culture.
-- Mr. Shoop married Ms. Bishop and was nearly confirmed as Secretary of Education until stories of his past arrest and cohabitation with a student derailed his political ascent.
Ah, there’s nothing like a little fun after such a heady column. OK. Stop laughing. Seriously. I was only half-joking with the “heady column” line. Anyway, as you can see from the film, the degradation of American education was swift and brutal and had everything to do with a hip and cool gym teacher making excuses for his students. Who would think it would snowball into this? I weep for the future of America . . . mainly because I have something in my eye. Ouch.
Anyway, join me next week as we see that the plague of bad education isn’t solely exclusive to high school; in fact, it started in U.S. colleges in the ‘70s . . . just wait and see! See you then!
