Misunderstood Masterpieces 03.31.09: Rat Race

Posted by Will Helm on 03.31.2009

...or, It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Remake

Even though The Cannonball Run does have a second "sequel," it sadly isn't on DVD, as I mentioned last week. It's a shame, too, as Speed Zone, the "secret" second sequel, featured Jamie Farr reprising his role as "Sheik Klinger" – since that's a little more respectable than "Prince Falafel," the character's real name – as well as a horde of SCTV alumni. Alas, since it isn't on DVD at the moment, I cannot track it down to feature in these pages.

But worry not, for I have a worthy substitute, and a bit more modern as well. Unfortunately, it also happens to be a remake – of 1963's star-studded farce It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World – and is directed and produced by a recent whipping boy of these pages: Jerry Zucker, of the famed Zucker Brothers. The film in question is 2001's Rat Race and, like it's antecedent, it also features a star-studded cast. Kind of. Sort of. Well, there are not one, not two, but THREE Oscar winners in the cast, so I'm sure that makes a difference. And there is an SCTV alumnus, so there is an ersatz connection to Speed Zone, so it's got that going for it, which is nice. As well, there seems to be an unusual number of actors featured previously in these pages; it's almost to the level of Used Cars. It also happens to be an almost flop, barely netting any revenue – only because, according to IMDB.com, its theatrical run lasted from August to December. If the combined power of Jerry Zucker and three Oscar winners can't make a film a box-office hit . . . it must be a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!

After a lengthy semi-animated opening-credits sequence – always the mark of quality to come, in fair Vegas is where we lay our scene, as people mill about aimlessly in a hotel lobby. Meanwhile, Jon Arbuckle (Breckin Meyer) checks out at the front desk and tells bad jokes about a friend of his having a bachelor party. I wonder if there were chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze. I suppose not, as the desk clerk hassles Jon about some illicit pornographic films he may or may not have watched multiple times, even going into graphic detail regarding the content, much to Jon's straight-laced chagrin.

Meanwhile, at the hotel bar, a guy named Owen Templeton (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) hides out incognito for reasons heretofore unexplained. Sigh . . . remember when Cuba Gooding, Jr., won an Oscar for Jerry Maguire? Yeah; he probably doesn't either. Anyway, some helpful sportscasters quickly explain the heretofore unexplained reasons for Owen's surreptitious nature as it turns out that he was a football referee who made a notoriously bad call in an important game. I guess he's the current NFL head of officiating; good for him! With his identity revealed to the surrounding passers-by, who more than likely don't care because they want their breakfast buffet and they want it NOW, Owen skedaddles post-haste.

Elsewhere, Awesomest Person in Hollywood Ever™ Seth Green and his would-be brother for this picture (Vince Vieluf) – who hilariously can't talk right due to a tongue piercing which becomes somewhat important in the plot later . . . no, really – look around suspiciously and then hatch an evil scheme to bilk the casino out of millions of dollars. To that end, Seth Green plants a shot glass by a stairwell for his brother to trip over, but some old lady ruins the scam by slipping on the glass and tumbling down the stairs. You go, Stunt Grandma! Once the old lady comes to rest on the floor below, uppity celebrity lawyer Gloria Allred appears from nowhere to take the case. Credibility? What's that?

In another part of the hotel, an eccentric middle-aged woman named Vera (Oscar winner Whoopi Goldberg) chats with some HOT CHICK waitresses while waiting to meet her long-lost daughter. After a few moments of hasty exposition, Vera's daughter Merrill (Lanei Chapman) shows up and, after her phone rudely interrupts the reunion, Merrill proves to be a psycho by destroying it. Vera, though, doesn't mind – and proves that mental illness runs in the family – as she reveals that a psychic told her to track down Merrill, probably because the psychic knew there was a film to be made.

Back at the hotel's front desk, Todd Spango (Jon Lovitz) and his annoying family check in. Once they do, Todd reveals that he wants to gamble a bit, but his annoying wife (Kathy Najimy) forbids it because they're in town to see David Copperfield. Well, at least they're not there to see Cirque du Soliel. Meanwhile, Jon makes his way from the hotel, since he has to get back to wherever to try an important case – yes, he IS a lawyer; Star Jones would be proud; one of his buddies, for no reason in particular, runs up to try and convince him to stay . . . by calling him straight-laced and boring. Yeah; insulting people really makes them want to hang out.

On the casino floor, Vera and Merrill play the slots – and probably fend off a horde of angry retirees on Jazzy scooters in the process – and Todd does as well. Helpfully – in terms of the plot, Seth Green and his brother join in, but Jon is apprehensive, finally giving in as he makes his way out the door. Fortunately for the rest of the movie, all of the main characters win some sort of contest and they later meet at a fancy reception, where Vera pesters Owen about his bad call, establishing one of the film's running jokes. While the characters wait patiently, a creepy Italian guy (Rowan Atkinson, who is best known as Edmund Blackadder or Mr. Bean, so I'll call him "Edmund Fagioli" for these proceedings) arrives to massacre the English language.

With all of the main characters present and relatively established, the mastermind behind this endeavor finally reveals himself . . . and it's John Cleese (featuring disturbingly bright dentures)! John Cleese, helpfully, explains to the congregation the reason for their meeting: a meteor is heading toward Earth and they have been deemed worthy of repopulating the planet after the apocalypse. Hilariously, it's all a gag, but Jon shows up late, so he misses in on the fun. Then, while "Diamond" Dave Thomas (the film's aforementioned SCTV alumnus, and not the late, great founder of Wendy's) hands out waivers, John Cleese reveals the real reason why all the main characters are there: there is a locker filled with $2 million in Silver City, New Mexico, and it belongs to the first character to claim it. Of course, there is more to the story, as shadowy figures place bets on the main characters from behind a one-way mirror. Unfortunately for John Cleese, the main characters don't quite grasp the concept, so he pulls out a gun and shoots, starting the race in a way they can understand. Thankfully, no one was injured.

While Edmund Fagioli does calisthenics, Jon suspects a little duplicity on the part of John Cleese and discusses his apprehensions with the rest of the group. The other characters heed his advice and give up the chase . . . but it's all a ruse, as they later make a break for it and nearly die by falling on top of each other on the stairs. Except for Jon, of course, because he wisely takes the elevator. Finally, the characters take off on their quest . . . except for Todd, who's wife wants to come along since it's a family "vacation." Honestly, if I were Todd, I'd want to take a vacation from my family instead. While Edmund Fagioli falls asleep due to a hilarious bout of narcolepsy and Seth Green and his brother drive like maniacs, Owen hitches a ride with helpful cab driver Paul Rodriguez – who, ironically, was in D.C. Cab as well – and arrives at the airport, where some guy rats him out to Paul Rodriguez, who earlier revealed that he's only driving a cab because he lost a ton of money on the game that Owen ruined.

Meanwhile, inside the airport, Jon throws out his key and meets a HOT CHICK (Amy Smart) and chats her up because they're reading the same book. He offers her a drink, but she refuses because she's a pilot, rather than a passenger, which, for some reason, means that Jon can't hit on her anymore. Elsewhere in the airport, Owen, Todd and his family, and Vera – with Merrill in tow – wait for a flight to New Mexico, but when Seth Green and his brother find out there are now tickets left, they hatch another scheme to sabotage the entire airport. Ah, there's nothing more hilarious than terrorism. To that end, Seth Green and his brother, through a convoluted series of events, get their truck stuck on a radar tower, causing all flights to be delayed.

While the other characters take to the streets in their race to reach New Mexico, Jon chats up the HOT CHICK a little more and she reveals, helpfully, that she can still fly since she's a helicopter pilot . . . who just happens to be headed to Roswell, New Mexico. Oh, so she's an alien too? Jon, with the possibility of a $2 million payday clouding his judgment, freaks out and searches the trash for his key to the aforementioned locker. Meanwhile, on the road, Todd tells his kids that Volkswagens are for Nazis and then his family starts whining. Perhaps to stop the whining by imposing a grotesque punishment, Todd then has his daughter drop a deuce out the window in lieu of stopping; he later hits on a cop to get out of a speeding ticket. Creepy. But, at least, the cop wasn't covered in human fecal matter as well.

Elsewhere, Paul Rodriguez, who's once again driving Owen, this time to New Mexico, instead takes Owen on a little detour to the desert, probably with the intention of murdering the clumsy referee. Thankfully, instead of murder most foul, Paul Rodriguez merely abandons Owen in the desert . . . without pants. Oh geez. I never knew Deliverance would inspire REVENGE for a bad bet. Meanwhile, Vera and Merrill drive over to a squirrel farm to ask for directions, and there they meet Oscar-winner Kathy Bates, who also happens to be a crazy squirrel farmer. I guess she has to do something to pass the time between making movies more awesome.

Owen, stranded in the desert, wanders around in his underwear while Todd argues with his annoying family. Finally, in order to shut his family up, Todd stops at a Barbie museum . . . a Klaus Barbie museum. Ah, nothing is funnier than neo-Nazi humor. Especially when Seth Green and his brother sabotage Todd's Family Truckster, which causes Todd and his family to STEAL HITLER'S CAR FROM THE MUSEUM! Meanwhile, in the air with John, the HOT CHICK spies on her boyfriend and discovers that he's cheating on her; why didn't she just call Joey Greco? So, as a measure of REVENGE, the HOT CHICK tries to kill her boyfriend and his mistress with the helicopter and then she chases him until he wrecks his pickup and, perhaps, dies in the process. Alas, there are karmic punishments for wanton REVENGE, as the HOT CHICK's helicopter breaks down and crash lands; the HOT CHICK, in order to get to New Mexico, pulls her remarkably not-dead boyfriend out of his pickup and steals it, taking along Jon for the ride.

Owen, now clad in only his boxers, wanders over to a truck stop, where he laps up water and spies some Lucille Ball impersonators waiting for their bus driver. Owen, with this crucial information in mind, enters the restroom and forces the bus driver to strip by graphically describing female anatomy. No, really. Owen, now dressed as the bus driver, steals the bus, but learns, to his chagrin, that it's filled with a bevy of Lucille Ball impersonators. Back in Vegas, some kid wakes up Edmund Fagioli and then Hello Newman (Wayne Knight) – that was the character's first name on Seinfeld, right? – runs him over with a van. Edmund Fagioli, remarkably, survives the accident and, perhaps as atonement, Hello Newman agrees to take Edmund Fagioli to Silver City, since Hello Newman is headed to El Paso. I guess it makes sense geographically.

Somewhere on the way to New Mexico, a key-maker screws over Seth Green and his brother and steals their key, so Seth Green and his brother give chase. Elsewhere, in the desert once more, Vera and Merrill drive off a cliff because Kathy Bates is EVIL . . . or just bad at giving directions. Meanwhile, on the bus, the Lucys drive Owen crazy and then one Lucy's head bursts into flames which leads to the Lucys overflowing the toilet with soap suds. Lucys, you got some 'splainin' to do! While all of this chaos is going on, Jon bonds with the HOT CHICK at a diner and fills her in on the race, in the process offering her a partnership so they can split the winnings.

In Hitler's car, Todd's family plays with Hitler's stuff, which just happens to be sitting around in Hitler's car which was, at one time, parked in front of the Klaus Barbie museum. Well, it's a good thing no one bothered to clean out Hitler's car. Meanwhile, Edmund Fagioli sings with Hello Newman in Hello Newman's van, and then Hello Newman, disturbingly, starts bragging about how he's hauling human body parts. Unsurprisingly, as this is a wacky comedy, Hello Newman lets Edmund Fagioli play with a human heart and it accidentally falls under the dashboard . . . along with a caramel apple.

On the road, Jon and the HOT CHICK conspire to steal a sleeping cop's gas, but, through the cop awakens to confront them, they're let off the hook when the key guy and Seth Green and his brother blow by at a high rate of speed. The cop attempts to give chase, but he runs out of gas. The key guy, meanwhile, hijacks a hot-air balloon while Seth Green and his brother follow in their car. Seth Green, remarkably considering his height, hitches a ride on the balloon and, in the process, gets beat up by some cows in a nearby pasture. Then, through a convoluted series of events, Seth Green ends up being chased by his own car, while his brother is on the hood. This finally leads to Seth Green squirting milk at the key guy – because, through another convoluted series of events, a cow ended up on the balloon as well – and then Seth Green gets a face full of cow flatulence. While the key guy gets away, Seth Green and his brother end up in a lake, where Seth Green, covered in kelp for no apparent reason, reveals that he got the key back!

And there is much rejoicing.

Owen, on the bus, argues with a tranny Lucy and then he hits a flying cow – which is still tied to the key guy's balloon. Unsurprisingly, this causes the bus to crash and then, in the aftermath, the Lucys lose the spare tire by rolling it down the road and then they flip over the bus for good measure. In Hello Newman's van, Edmund Fagioli throws the heart out the window and Hello Newman, of course, freaks out. They stop to search for the heart, but, rather than claim it from a dog's mouth, Edmund Fagioli plays fetch with it.

Somewhere on the road, Todd and his wife accidentally flip off a lesbian biker, so she has a horde of fellow lesbian bikes – dykers, perhaps? – attack Hitler's car, causing Todd to eat a cigarette lighter in the process. After the attack, Todd and his family run off the road, and end up on a stage, where Todd addresses some World War II veterans as Hitler and gets shot at. Back in Vegas, "Diamond" Dave Thomas chats with a HOT CHICK hooker (Brandy Ledford) and describes a very bizarre fantasy, but it's all part of another elaborate bet.

On the side of the road somewhere, Edmund Fagioli and Hello Newman find the heart, which isn't in usable condition anymore. Hello Newman, seeing his job in jeopardy, plans on killing a drifter to replace the heart . . . or Edmund Fagioli instead! Edmund Fagioli, to his credit, senses something is wrong, so he jumps onto a moving bullet train, perhaps to make sure that his remains are splattered enough so that Hello Newman can't salvage them. Hello Newman, therefore, electrocutes himself on an electric fence and the heart, disturbingly, starts beating in the process. It's alive! ALIVE!

Later down the road, Jon and the HOT CHICK wreck the pickup while Vera and Merrill steal a rocket-car and, in the process, accidentally rescue Jon and the HOT CHICK from an evil mechanic. Then, Vera and Merrill, perhaps due to the sheer speed of their vehicle, turn into Real Dolls and end up, after the ride's over, herded onto Yvette's (Colleen Camp) tart cart. Elsewhere, at a roadside diner, Todd fills in his family on John Cleese's scheme, but they're not responsive to his goals, so he drugs them. Meanwhile, somewhere else, Owen has a nervous breakdown and the Lucys try to console him; all is well until Owen flips out and reveals he's not the real bus driver by stripping, which causes a plethora of Lucys to try and kill him. Well, I bet this is the first time that someone's ever explained anything to Lucy, rather than the other way around.

Once again on the road, a pierced HOT CHICK's (Tristin Leffler) breasts cause Seth Green and his brother to drive into a monster truck rally, where they're nearly run over but steal a monster truck instead. Meanwhile, on the bullet train, Edmund Fagioli goofs around with a baby and then nearly molests it, under the guise of looking for his key. OK . . . seriously. I tolerated the Nazi humor, but molestation humor is a bit too much. Check that. WAAAAAAAY too much. I can't believe I have to finish this now. Damn you, Rat Race. Damn you.

Luckily, before there can be any more fuel for my ire, the characters finally arrive in Silver City, where Vera tries to kill Yvette on the tart cart because Yvette thinks Vera and Merrill are mentally ill. While the characters run toward the train station, Edmund Fagioli – who, remarkably, wasn't thrown from the train or murdered by the baby's parents – arrives first and puts his key in the locker . . . and then falls asleep. The rest of the characters, realizing the race is still on, rush the locker and Seth Green opens it . . . to find that it's empty, because "Diamond" Dave Thomas and the HOT CHICK hooker – which is a great name for a band – made off with the cash. Dum-dum-DUM! Remarkably, they don't get far, as they're attacked by key guy and the flying cow – also a great name for a band – and, through a convoluted series of events, the hot-air balloon steals the money. I guess that hot-air balloon is moving on up . . . to a higher tax bracket.

Jon, with the rest of the characters in tow, steals a tour bus and chases the hot-air balloon through the desert until they finally all crash into a Smashmouth concert. OK, really? Did this need a Smashmouth appearance? Through yet another convoluted series of events, the characters accidentally donate the money to charity and then, once they realize what they've done, they freak out and try to reverse their decision. Before that can happen, some old people drag a bunch of starving kids onto the stage to try and guilt trip the characters into parting with the cash, but it's actually the pierced HOT CHICK – who just happens to be there – who convinces them all to give in by making out with Seth Green's brother. Finally, perhaps as a measure of REVENGE for the whole endeavor, Jon introduces John Cleese to the audience – since he and his bettors just happened to fly down there as well – and extorts matching funds from them under the guise of being charitable. Hooray, extortion!

As the main characters dance to the sultry strains of Smashmouth, I wonder if this movie could've been any worse. Even though it does have good people: three Oscar winners; Awesomest Person in Hollywood Ever™ Seth Green; certifiable HOT CHICK Amy Smart; and even Breckin Meyer, who's a pretty cool guy and likable actor even though I rag on him a bit in these pages, Rat Race is almost totally unfunny, and the only laughs elicited from me were due to the sheer preposterousness of the proceedings. I have no problem with wackiness and hilarity ensuing, but none of the humor in the film has any logical basis whatsoever. Rat Race almost seems like a collection of bizarre skits and scenarios strung together into to seem like a coherent film, even though it's nothing of the sort. Though the overall conceit of the original film is there – a race to riches, Rat Race wastes the time and talent of everyone involved, unlike the original film. Finally, whoever made the decision to include Nazi humor and molestation humor needs to take a trip on Yvette's tart cart, because pointless "shock" elements like that have no place in this comedy. At least this was a bit of a Misunderstood Masterpieces reunion, of sorts, and it does, therefore, have a rightful place among them.

Join me next week for . . . ah, screw it. IT'S MISUNDERSTOOD MASTERPIECES 300! See you then.
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