Misunderstood Masterpieces: H.O.T.S.

Posted by Will Helm on 08.23.2005

…or, The Moral Degradation of Higher Education

Last week, we delved into just what happened to the American high school during the 1980s. It seems, among other factors, that one of the leading causes of the iniquity of the system was the quality of those administering it. Yes, the teachers were at fault, as evidenced in the namby-pamby, milquetoast resolution brought on by Mr. Shoop making excuses for his delinquent charges. But, we must ask ourselves, how did Shoop get this way? What was the cause of his “sensitive,” laissez-faire approach to teaching? To find the answer, we must go back to where Shoop would have learned his craft: the 1970s American university.

After a rather droll, war-filled first half to 20th Century higher education, all hell broke loose in the 1950s and ‘60s. Beginning with the Beat Generation at Columbia University in the 1950s and moving westward to UC – Berkley over the next two decades, a spirit of rebelliousness and anti-authority swept through campuses nationwide along the way. Of course, this is not without some warrant; the rampant, ill-focused “patriotism” of the Eisenhower era – most embodied by Joe McCarthy – gave way to the civil-rights movement and the Vietnam War in the following decade. While the Beat Generation may have been a response to the droll Eisenhower regime, the civil-rights movement and the largely unpopular Vietnam War gave focus and purpose to the rising tide of protest throughout the country. These were, to many, valid reasons to oppose the system and take a stand for the counterculture.

Unfortunately, by the late ‘70s, that focus was gone, as the civil-rights movement had won many victories and the Vietnam War was over. There was nothing for the students to do anymore . . . so, like the opulent Romans before them, they opted to do each other. Yes, in lieu of moral righteousness, amorality held sway over the campuses of America’s finest – and not-so-finest – institutions. While the 1978 smash comedy National Lampoon’s Animal House was a quaint look back at a bawdy time in Camelot-era American college, the film that most accurately portrays the rampant sex and shenanigans of this era is the 1979 staple of USA Up All Night, H.O.T.S.. In it, we see little to no learning . . . except in the fields of human sexuality and female anatomy. According to this film, once-lauded American university – now a cesspool of miscreants and blundering bureaucrats . . . just try to graduate from a state school – became a breeding ground for loose morals and looser plotlines. If you feel my indignation is unwarranted, read on, dear reader!

At some school known – comically – as F.U., there is a naked statue in the quad and naked college girls in the shower. You laugh, but at some schools the opposite could be just as true. In the shower and adjoining locker room, the girls mumble and trade sexual sports metaphors. Hmm . . . this reminds me of something; although, unlike that fine piece of cinema, this flick wastes no time in getting the kits off of its female principals. We aren’t even up to the opening credits, people! Anyway, the incoherent, unclothed college girls reveal themselves to be members of a snotty sorority; being elitist, they ostracize another girl who desires to be one of them, Honey (Susan Kiger). Honey has one problem, though . . . she looks like a transsexual. Seriously. I mean, Ms. Kiger may have been a Playboy Playmate at one time, but her jawline is far too severe to be wholly feminine. Anyway, while we all know what Honey’s deficiency REALLY is, the sorority girls merely don’t like her just because they can. Honey needn’t worry, though, as – conveniently in the locker room with her – is a trio of fellow Pi – that’s the sorority’s “humorous” entendre-laden name – rejects: skinny, nerdy brunette Sam (Kimberly Cameron); busty loudmouth O’Hara (Lisa London); and annoyingly stereotypical Southern belle Terri (Pamela Jean Bryant). The trio comforts Honey in her moment of need and then they embrace their commonality and band together. Why? Well, for REVENGE! Really . . . what were you expecting?

Anyway, our merry band of bawdy castoffs don T-shirts that spell out the mysterious acronym that serves as the name of the film and then they strut. Tony Manero would be proud. Interestingly enough, the strutting continues all the way to the quartet’s decrepit ersatz sorority house, while accompanied by terrible ‘70s disco pop. After a brief tour of the mansion, the girls put out a casting call for others excluded from the hallowed halls of Pi. Once a sufficient number of recruits arrive, the women of H.O.T.S. enslave them and make them fix up the house. I guess it doesn’t stand for Hatin’ On The Slavery. Our heroines then conspire to give their charges makeovers and then they hilariously work out with those springy things that went out of style in the 1920s. I don’t know if they have a formal name other than “springy things,” so you’ll just have to try and figure out what I’m talking about. I hope you don’t mind. After the montage of wackiness concludes, the slaves are sworn into the revenge cult by their H.O.T.S. sisters; meanwhile, the Pi girls induct their pledges in a scene of empty pageantry.

Sometime later, the H.O.T.S. girls advertise a party at their now-lavish house. Of course, the Pi’s, since they are elitist and snobby, mock the plebian females of H.O.T.S. The H.O.T.S. girls, knowing that a little mystery is sexy, keep their acronym a secret to those who ask, or just make it sound dirty in order to stoke the excitement and curiosity of passersby. After inviting a few greasy college guys to their party, hilarity ensues when the chunky member of the H.O.T.S. crew (Mary Steelsmith) is distracted by a nerd she’s got a thing for and crushes some suspender-clad singer guy. Leo Sayer, R.I.P. Or did he wear overalls? Anyway, at the party, the girls of H.O.T.S. run a kissing booth – for no charity in particular – and make men unconscious with their lip action. Elsewhere in the backyard, white people dance badly. Seriously, I think this movie is set before affirmative action, because no minorities attend F.U. On stage, entertaining the crowd with his dulcet tones, is none other than ‘70s child star Danny Bonaduce, who must be in this movie because he wanted to take more mature roles . . . or he lost a bet somewhere. After the terrible dancing, Bonaduce breaks down the scene with a slow ballad . . . because risqué comedies just NEED slow ballads. Remember this for future reference. While Bonaduce croons, the lovely ladies of H.O.T.S. dance with jocks and Camaro drivers. Sadly, there are plenty of molester mustaches, but no mullets to be found.

Meanwhile, on the highway, two escaped gangsters drive a van while talking like Rocky and Mugsy of Looney Tunes fame. Back at the H.O.T.S. party, Danny Bonaduce signs on for a kiss from the tranny-resembling Honey, but she instead makes him kiss the chunky one. Hilarity, as is wont to do in these sorts of films, ensues. While all of this humor is going on, sweet, Southern Terri is up in the attic bottling moonshine. Because EVERY sorority house just needs to have a bathtub still. Either that, or they’re really going all the way with Terri’s stereotypical nature. Outside the fence, the gangsters pull their van up to the house . . . because there’s money hidden somewhere in the building! Dum-dum-DUM! Down at the party, the girls pass out the moonshine and some dumb, blonde jock chugs it. Later, he was found blinded and choking on his own vomit. Speaking of choking on one’s own vomit, the nerd and the chunky member of H.O.T.S. make out at the kissing booth and he makes the “HOT Meter” blow a load into the air. Something tells me it should’ve thought of baseball. Or hummed Herman’s Hermits’ “Henry the Eighth.” The gangsters, amazingly astute, discern that the house must now be some sort of brothel, so they’re better off waiting around until the cops raid the place and they can search the house unfettered and uninterrupted.

Elsewhere, at a faculty party, the fey Dean (Ken Olfson) makes time with dignitaries and executives while an opera singer on stilts serenades the crowd from the other side of the swimming pool. Back at the H.O.T.S. party, the Pi’s, hidden in some bushes, attempt to sabotage the soiree with some Tabasco sauce. Seriously. Of course, the famous hot-pepper condiment only succeeds in incapacitating mentally ill H.O.T.S. ally Mad Dog (Larry Gilman). Hilarity, yet again, ensues. Meanwhile, high above the festivities, the most impressively endowed member of the H.O.T.S. crew, Boom-Boom Bangs (Angela Aames), prepares to skydive down into the house’s swimming pool. You see, this is the real entertainment promised at the party – Bonaduce just isn’t enough! Through a convoluted series of events, Boom-Boom ends up skydiving topless and far off course! She should at least hope for a water landing; she does come equipped with floatation devices. Boom-Boom, calm to the last, ends up – no surprise here – landing in the Dean’s pool! The cops, who had been tracking Boom-Boom with such intensity that they almost ran down an innocent pedestrian, make a scene at the party and mug for the school newspaper’s photographer instead of, you know, doing their jobs.

The next day, the Dean and Melody (Lindsay Bloom), the head Pi, meet with the H.O.T.S. girls and put them on double-secret probation. Hmm . . . where have I seen that before. Sounds familiar. The H.O.T.S. girls, in the name of proper jurisprudence, request a defense . . . but refuse to reveal the origin of their acronym. Until, that is, they bring out their plot device – I mean “pet seal” – and reveal that their initials stand for “Help Out The Seals.” Melody and the Dean, rightfully, are suspicious of this new development, so the Dean orders H.O.T.S. to conform and excel in academics . . . and to avoid shenanigans at all costs. Now, far be it from me to say whether or not they can succeed in the first and third things, but the second might be a little tough as no one has gone to class yet in this film. Honestly. After the summit, the girls complain at the door and then get water dumped on them, courtesy of the Pi’s. Unsurprisingly, as H.O.T.S. is a revenge cult, it’s time for some REVENGE, as O’Hara and Mad Dog take Mad Dog’s hot air balloon over to . . . wait a second. Hot air balloon? What’s next . . . a zeppelin? Perhaps a dirigible? Although perhaps the balloon was in honor of the voluptuous O’Hara, if you catch my drift. And I think you do. Anyway, Mad Dog and O’Hara slowly, surreptitiously float over to the Pi’s house, where the Pi’s are innocently sunbathing in various states of undress. Mad Dog and O’Hara – which sounds like a wacky ‘80s detective show – then proceed to enact their REVENGE by pelting the Pi’s with pies and then following that up by dousing them with whipped cream. What this accomplishes is beyond me, but I think it’s really just an excuse to get some nubile young ladies undressed and covered in whipped cream. If that was the filmmakers’ intent, then I say “good show!”

Later, a “sassy” woman comes over to the H.O.T.S. house – where there are a lot of fine tomatoes . . . and few puns as bad as that one – as the girls’ new housemom. While the girls plot a campaign for student government for one of their number, the seal attacks the new housemom and the chunky one comes home covered in mud for no particular reason. Or, if there was a reason, I wasn’t paying attention enough to catch it. What can I say? Sometimes my mind wanders. Anyway, while the flustered housemom tries to restore order, Melody’s WASP boyfriend visits the H.O.T.S. household in search of Honey the tranny, perhaps wondering how sweet – or masculine – she is. Honey, enthusiastic over the white-bread boyfriend’s interest, invites him to join her for a swim . . . even though he forgot his swimsuit. Oops! I hate it when that happens. Elsewhere, in a van down by the river, some of the H.O.T.S. ladies find not Chris Farley but one of the Pi’s and her boyfriend . . . both of which appear to be foot fetishists. Well, it could be worse; they could be plushies. Shudder. While the Pi and her guy get it on in the stereotypical ‘70s van – extra points if it has blacklights inside – the H.O.T.S. girls and their male accomplices paint over the windows and tape the doors shut. While the pair inside are in the throes of ecstasy, the crew outside, bent on REVENGE, tow the van over to the quad; during the trip, the two lovers in the van realize what’s going on and freak out . . . in the nude. Ah, there’s nothing like gratuitousness. Thank you, libertine ‘70s cinema! Elsewhere, Melody’s boyfriend and Honey the tranny frolic and cavort in the pool, since – I suppose – her Pi is better than Melody’s . . . though it is too dark to tell. I hope Melody’s boyfriend can, though, before it’s too late.

The next day, the two foot fetishists bust out of the van, much to the delight of the H.O.T.S. crew assembled for that very event. Now, I don’t know about you, but to me this all smacks of shenanigans. That’s going to earn a pistol whippin’ from Capt. O’Hagan. Anyway, the H.O.T.S. girls’ levity is short-lived as they discover that they’re all flunking – ironically – anatomy. Meanwhile, back at the house, one of the gangsters awards the housemom with a “robot” to aid her in her cleaning duties. Of course, the obvious ruse simply involves a 50-gallon drum with a vacuum and a lackey attached. The gangster and his “cybernetic” associate promise – eloquently – to “clean out the house” for the naïve housemom. After a few moments of cursory cleaning, the chunky one kidnaps the “robot”; meanwhile, in the bathroom, a topless, bathing Boom-Boom plays with the seal in an adjacent bathtub. The chunky one brings the “robot” to Boom-Boom, who hugs it lovingly for no particular reason other than the fact that it’s “cute” . . . because 50-gallon drums are SO adorable. The seal, perhaps feeling a twinge of jealousy, attacks the “robot” and, somehow, it ends up tossed out the front door and onto the lawn in a heap.

Elsewhere, in – GASP! – a class building, some of the H.O.T.S. girls trap the straight-laced anatomy professor in an elevator, where they conspire to bone up for better grades. After the deed – or deeds – is done, the anatomy professor pledges to give the H.O.T.S. ladies A+ in the class, mainly because they know what a perineum is. And how to use it. The Pi girls, standing at the elevator door, are perturbed by the H.O.T.S. ladies’ wanton bribery . . . or just because they didn’t think of it first. Meanwhile, some of the H.O.T.S.-affiliated guys – Mad Dog and his unnamed cohort – kidnap a plot device . . . I mean “bear” from the jocks. It seems that this bear is some sort of mascot, even though they never reveal whether or not F.U. has any teams or even what their nickname is, so the jocks want REVENGE! Just because it’s the late ‘70s, a Starsky & Hutch-style car chase breaks out, complete with spin-out turns and screeching tires. Because everyone loves a good screeching tire now and then . . . although I’m sure that could get you arrested in some states. The guys, on the run from the ‘roid freaks – although at that time it was probably cocaine they were hopped up on – evade their pursuers and then stop at a gas station because one of the guys has to use the facilities. During the interim, two construction workers – who are actually the gangsters in disguise – take the guys’ van, mistaking it for their own. After the gangsters leave with the wrong van, the jocks pull up and corner the guys and then Mad Dog goes . . . mad. Seriously.

Back at the H.O.T.S. house, the gangsters pull up and panic when they realize they have a bear in the back seat. They release the captive animal, who simply entertains itself by going swimming in the H.O.T.S. girls’ pool and attacking a floating chaise. After venting its aggressions on helpless aquatic furniture, the bear then defies my suspension of disbelief by climbing a ladder up to the roof of the house. While the bear somehow gets into the attic and dislodges the gangsters’ loot from its hiding place, the jocks leave Mad Dog and his partner roughed up in the gas station parking lot. I hope the jocks didn’t take any liberties with the guys; construction vans are known to have some lubricant lying about.

That evening, the Pi’s prepare for a party for their brother fraternity. Meanwhile, Melody’s boyfriend and Honey the tranny make out in a car; he spurns her for the party, so she goes home upset. Luckily for her, the “sassy” housemom is on hand to aid her in plotting some REVENGE! Hmm . . . something tells me these girls are in need of a psychiatrist and not a babysitter because this much revenge just isn’t healthy or natural. Of course, we don’t quite know what the REVENGE is yet, so perhaps I speak too soon. Anyway, for some vaguely homoerotic reason, the guys in the frat house – who are probably getting ready for the party – shower together. While they’re occupied, the H.O.T.S. girls raid the house in search of jock straps. Scooby-Doo-inspired, high-speed film hilarity ensues . . . and even a bit of reverse action as well. Something tells me the editor wanted to show off his nifty film-school skillz that day. Meanwhile, while the frat house is aflutter with light-hearted chaos, the Pi’s wait patiently for their brethren . . . while Melody spikes the punch and then drinks deeply. Over at the frat house, the girls mock Bonaduce and then they start a party downstairs, which somehow involves them chanting “jock strap” over and over again. Because nothing’s sexier than a woman repeating those mellifluous words. Elsewhere, a now inebriated Melody has the great idea to call her boyfriend over at the frat house. Seriously, someone should invent a Breathalyzer for telephones; what is it about them that makes drunks want to call all their friends to tell them that they’re drunk? Anyway, instead of the boyfriend answering the phone, Honey the tranny picks up the receiver, much to Melody’s chagrin.

Sometime afterward, the Dean – for no reason in particular – is upset with all the shenanigans (pistol whippin’ #2) going on under his nose. While the money-covered bear in the attic drinks all the moonshine, the Dean comes over to the H.O.T.S. house for an impromptu visit. The girls, seeking yet more REVENGE – is it pathological or something? – invite him in for a few drinks and snacks. Meanwhile, two of them hide the still and the pot in the attic, where the bear must now be blind and choking on its own vomit. Ah . . . continuity, baby! Back outside, Honey the tranny, who must be the de facto head of H.O.T.S., “accidentally” drops a tray full of food on the Dean, who ends up left in his underwear in one of the house’s many bedrooms. Later, the Dean, still clad in his skivvies, sneaks around the house and goes up to the attic in search of the still. Terri, since she’s Southern and, therefore – stereotypically – in charge of the still, follows him and is amazed when they find the bathtub to be empty! Of course we know the bear drank it all, but they don’t know that. While Mad Dog and his partner-in-crime search for the bear from their precarious perch in the hot air balloon, the Dean goes absolutely nuts and chases Terri out to the roof, where he intends to rape her. Because attempted rape from a school administrator is HILARIOUS! Then again, we should know that just by watching as, in the background, we have the usual generic “wacky music” playing. Terri evades the Dean long enough for the Dean to tire and, somehow, fall off the roof and onto an awning, where Mad Dog and his buddy photograph him for future blackmail use.

Sometime later, at a disco, the ladies of H.O.T.S. and Pi – who must have some sort of détente at the moment – dance . . . badly. Then again, it doesn’t help that Bonaduce is the DJ, since his skills on the turntables aren’t the greatest. Later, the two factions square off in a wet T-shirt contest; I’d say the women of H.O.T.S. have a distinct advantage, since they’re wisely wearing nearly sheer white, while the Pi’s are in dark hunter green. Tactical mishaps like that lose battles and wars, Pi’s. Anyway, the same group of guys that seem to be on hand for everything else in the picture – the male casting must have been VERY limited – are chosen for water duty and hose down the girls. Bonaduce, just because he can, then adds the added element of more terrible dancing, which is simply an excuse to allow the director more gratuitous wet T-shirt shots, this time in motion. After a few moments of woeful dancing, Honey the tranny and Melody somehow end up in a DANCE BATTLE! Where are the Rhythm Rogues when you need them? Honey, since she has the awesome power of muddled chromosomes on her side, wins the DANCE BATTLE and Melody’s (now ex-) boyfriend congratulates her. Melody, gracious loser that she is, freaks out and we have on our hands a CHICKFIGHT! Or, more accurately, a TRANNY-AND-CHICKFIGHT! After calm is once more restored, Melody and Honey the tranny end up challenging each other to a game of . . . strip football. Yup.

On some other evening, the H.O.T.S. girls get some private coaching on a beach from the school’s star football player. After some lackluster practicing and drills, Terri pulls out an acoustic guitar and serenades the group around a campfire. Although is it really a campfire when it’s not actually a camp? Wouldn’t it just be a fire? And how is it that every gathering of six or more people on the beach must include an acoustic guitar? They must be buried just under the sand for anyone’s use. Terri, who thinks she can sing just because everyone humored her and told her she could, warbles yet another ballad terribly. Carrie Underwood would be proud. While Terri sings, the rest of the group wanders off to hook up and not have to listen to her melodic massacre. Only one lone jock – who has the hots for Terri – stays behind; unfortunately for him, Bonaduce horns in and cock-blocks the jock by brining up Terri’s fictitious reputation. Oops. Meanwhile, Mad Dog and Sam, who overhear everything, plot REVENGE against Bonaduce . . . and then they make out. I guess there are some things more important than REVENGE, then.

On the eve of game day, Melody and her right-hand-woman disguise themselves as Honey the tranny and O’Hara and plan on sabotaging their rivals with some itching powder. Meanwhile, over at the H.O.T.S. house, Bonaduce comes over to visit with Sam; the housemom, complicit in the REVENGE, laces Bonaduce’s dinner with some saltpeter, which should leave him a bit limp later in the night. Outside Sam’s bedroom, Mad Dog has a video camera set up to film the festivities, which is convenient, as moments later, Sam and Bonaduce enter the room. Bonaduce, red-headed horndog that he is, strips almost immediately; meanwhile, downstairs, the jock who has a thing for Terri comes over and watches some television with the rest of the crew. And what’s on the tube that fateful night? Well, none other than Sam and Bonaduce, of course! Sam, playing jealous, accuses Bonaduce of having a fling with Terri, but he concedes that it’s all a lie. While the Pi’s watch the H.O.T.S. watching Sam and Bonaduce, our favorite star of The Partridge Family looks to get it on with Sam . . . but he faces a bit of erectile dysfunction. Rafael Palmeiro would not be proud . . . he’d probably just be in a ‘roid rage. Bonaduce excuses himself so he can pull a Dirk Diggler and pep talk his penis into shape; when he returns to bed, he finds himself enjoying some manual stimulation . . . from the seal! Hilarity, people. Hilarity. Or bestiality. Take your pick. While all of this madness is going on, some younger Pi’s and their jock boyfriends conspire to kidnap Honey the tranny and shave her head. Listen, kids: she looks masculine enough already; that’s not going to make much difference. Anyway, the Pi’s and jocks – one of which looks suspiciously like Randy Orton – kidnap H.O.T.S.-disguised Melody; elsewhere, the housemom unwittingly dumps dishwater on the other disguised Pi. The Pi’s, still thinking they have Honey the tranny, shave Melody’s head . . . and there is much freaking out afterward.

The next day, which – if you’ve been paying attention – is game day, Team H.O.T.S. heads to the field of battle; along the way, they’re accosted by a very mournful Bonaduce. Instead of accepting his atonement, the H.O.T.S. and their supporters just mock his flaccid performance from the evening before. Meanwhile, since the H.O.T.S. house is empty, the gangsters seize the opportunity and raid the place in search of the missing cash. For some reason, the sassy housemom sends O’Hara back to the house to change into another plot device – I mean “shirt” – and she does so while the dumb gangster watches from the closet. Just after she puts her shirt on, the smart – in a relative sense – gangster enters and they all freak out. Over at the game, the guys go off in search of O’Hara, who is currently indisposed with the gangsters, the money, and – now – the bear, leaving the women of H.O.T.S. to fend off the Pi’s. After the chunky H.O.T.S. fumbles the ball and the Pi’s recover, one Pi – who must be a ringer – makes like LaDainian Tomlinson and hits the endzone for the score. The H.O.T.S., therefore, doff their shirts, revealing underwear that makes them look like stripping candy-stripers. Or voluptuous barber poles.

Back at the house, O’Hara and the gangsters, fleeing from the bear, climb into Mad Dog’s balloon, which – I guess – just happened to be docked there serendipitously. The bear, not happy to be left to his lonesome, climbs in as well and they all take off in Mad Dog’s beautiful – his beautiful – balloon. Back at the game, the Pi’s score again, leaving the H.O.T.S. wearing nothing but their skivvies. Elsewhere, Mad Dog and his buddy are in hot pursuit of the balloon when the cops from WAY earlier in the picture chase them into an abandoned, walled-up tunnel. The cops spy the balloon and, instead of arresting Mad Dog and his accomplice, give chase with our two henchmen in tow. Once more on the field, the H.O.T.S. score a touchdown and the balloon conveniently touches down, meaning that O’Hara is back in the game! Well, at least not before all hell breaks loose and, in the resulting chaos, the gangsters are arrested and the bear aligns itself with the H.O.T.S. alongside the seal and the sassy housemom.

After the ensuing kickoff, Melody and Honey the tranny scuffle and things are getting dicey on the field. The Pi’s quarterback makes an errant pass and O’Hara – the football player of the H.O.T.S. crew – picks it off and runs it back to tie the game at “underwear for all.” The Pi’s regain the ball after another kickoff and, once more, they score, meaning that the H.O.T.S. are now topless. Uh-oh. Although I do have to cry foul as, after the stripping commenced, the chunky H.O.T.S. was no where to be found. No love for the BBW, I suppose. Anyway, now needing a touchdown to tie once more and in dangerous danger of losing, the H.O.T.S. huddle up around the camera, providing THE GREATEST SHOT IN FILM HISTORY. After the impromptu strategy session, O’Hara calmly, like a topless Joe Montana, hits Terri on the run and the Southern belle scores to tie the match at “panties.” The Pi’s, looking to steal some of the H.O.T.S.’ thunder from their huddle, huddle up themselves, but it’s just not as good or as original as the one before. Finally, the Pi’s attempt a punt, but O’Hara fields the terrible kick and runs it back for the winning score; in the resulting fracas, Melody loses her wig – revealing her shaven head – but the Pi’s keep their bottoms . . . so we never find out if anything else on the field is shaven as well. As a denouement, the H.O.T.S. rally together for a winning cheer and then reveal the TRUE origin of their enigmatic acronym: Honey (the tranny), O’Hara, Terri, and Sam. Too bad there’s not a rimshot to go with it.

All things considered, H.O.T.S. ranks up there as one of those embarrassing “guilty pleasure” movies. It’s wholly terrible, with random plotlines – the gangsters, the bear – seemingly put in just for the sake of having a plotline or filling time, but the movie doesn’t ever try to be anything more than what it really is, a raunchy college-themed comedy. Good for it, I say. Then again, while H.O.T.S. isn’t terrible in itself, it is a terrible reflection of American college life. If this film is to believed, amorality did – in fact – run rampant over the campuses of the United States, even degrading administrators to the point where they’re willing to rape Southern belles on the roofs of dilapidated houses. It was a sad time for American education . . . a sad time indeed.

Join me next week as we investigate whether, in the late ‘80s, the education situation improved or not . . . when we combine our two past movies into a preview of my next triple threat. I know you can’t deny that teaser’s power! See you then!