Misunderstood Masterpieces: Revenge Of The Nerds II: Nerds In Paradise
Posted by Will Helm on 08.30.2005
…or, When Education Films and Bad Sequels Collide!
Over the past few weeks, we have studied together the ails and woes of American education. Since we’re finally nearly through with the heady material, I do believe that a lighter break from the action is in order and, oddly enough, it serves as a fitting end to our current study and a valid precursor to the columns I have to come. But . . . I’m getting ahead of myself.
In the past couple of columns, we have seen the derelict instruction at a beach-side high school in Summer School and the randy, raunchy goings on at a ‘70s university in H.O.T.S.. Oddly enough, there is a time and – during the ‘80s – a place that combined the setting of the former film with the hijinks of the latter: Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Once the prime destination for college kids in search of debauchery, Ft. Lauderdale became synonymous with the Lenten pilgrimage of Spring Break. Yes, that subject of countless films and yearly sabbatical to warmer climes for randy coeds . . . which really has nothing to do with the film. Well, except for the fact that the bulk of it is set in Ft. Lauderdale – but not during Spring Break. At least I don’t think it is. They’re never really clear on this. Anyway, this film is the sequel to the highly regarded 1984 smash hit Revenge of the Nerds – don’t believe me that it’s highly regarded? Two of the guys from Freaks and Geeks are collaborating to remake it – titled Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise. Released in 1987, Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise brought together most of the original line-up of unlikely protagonists and, this time, shipped them off to Florida in search of sand, sun, and adventure. Wow . . . it sounds like Bing Crosby and Bob Hope should be there too. Although The Road to Florida would probably just lead to a retirement community. Anyway, any hope of matching or eclipsing the success of the original film was dashed when the sequel flopped at the box office, driving a series of even more ill-fated sequels to the small screen for no reason in particular. But what is the cause of this film’s failure? Had films about education run their course? Is American academia just as bad at play as it is at work? Do I ask too many rhetorical questions? Let’s find out!
Over what looks like a late-‘80s/early-‘90s “starfield” screen-saver, a giant pocket protector flies onto the screen. If it lands on earth and glasses-clad apes start worshipping it, I will be very impressed. Sadly, the only science-fiction element we get is the usual deep voice-over and, as well, the ubiquitous expository crawl. I guess the filmmakers know their audience, then. Nerds definitely appreciate this. Thanks to the voice-over guy, we discover that the lovable lads of Lambda Lambda Lambda, the protagonists of the original picture, are headed down to the sunny climes of Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, for some sort of hackneyed plot device – I mean “fraternity conference.” Therefore, it logically follows that one of the primary heroes of the original film, über-nerd Louis Skolnick (Robert Carradine), packs for the trip down south or, as the Tri-Lams’ alma mater of Adams College is a stand-in for the University of Arizona, out east. Meanwhile, to help introduce us to the other characters of the picture, we’re treated to vignettes of Louis’ fraternity brothers packing as well. Therefore, we thrill as the rest of the nerds prepare for the trip according to their own particular idioms: mega-dork Poindexter (Timothy Busfield) stows a bevy of medication into his luggage, fey Lamar (Larry B. Scott) lays out some club-kid fashions and homosexual erotica, child prodigy Wormser (Andrew Cassese) organizes his plethora of fake identification cards, and infamous slob and letch Dudley “Booger” Dawson (Curtis Armstrong) loads a near ton of condoms into his ratty rucksack.
Oddly, one of the most famous of the Lambda Lambda Lambda clan is absent in the preparations: Louis’ partner-in-crime, Gilbert Lowell (Anthony Edwards). Due to a horrific chess accident which somehow led to Gilbert breaking his leg, the incapacitated nerd must stay home – and make better, more famous movies, like Top Gun, among others – while his compatriots are forced to languish on the beaches of Ft. Lauderdale and this fine film we’re watching. Gilbert does serve one purpose in the film, though: he gives Louis a rousing pep talk before Louis and the gang depart for sunny Florida. Thanks for showing up to the set, Mr. Edwards; you really didn’t have to. Mr. Skolnick (James Cromwell) picks up the Tri-Lams for the trip to the airport; no word on whether or not he says “that’ll do, nerd . . . that’ll do” anytime during the trip. During the drive, Gilbert contacts Louis via Louis’ super-high-tech pager and then instant messages his compadres – in 1987! Maybe this is science fiction after all! The Tri-Lams arrive at the airport with little fanfare, but with a stalker on their tails: villainous Alpha Beta hooligan – and fellow carry-over from the first picture – Ogre (Donald Gibb). Dum-dum-DUM! Ogre watches intently as the Tri-Lams enter the airport and Booger hits on every woman he sees . . . with HILARIOUS face-slapping results. Impressive.
During the opening credits – which are about ten minutes or so into the movie – the Tri-Lams ride in style in a fancily appointed limousine to their hotel. It’s too bad that the filmmakers used some terrible ‘80s pop over this sequence; a riff on the Miami Vice theme would’ve been so much more appropriate, since the credits seem to be nothing more than palm trees and hot chicks. Crockett, Tubbs, and Jan Hammer would have been proud. Moments later, at the hotel, Booger is immediately impressed by the massive amounts of mammary tissue on display in the lobby. Ah . . . way to stay in (one-dimensional) character there! Louis, nice guy that he is, volunteers to check in, allowing his brethren to hit the beach a little earlier and perhaps partake in the apparent orgy going on there. Louis, inundated with a comically massive amount of luggage, heads over to the check-in counter, where he clumsily runs into some preppy guy and an upper-class, nouveau riche couple before him in line. Nowadays, that would either earn Louis a lawsuit or a few gunshot wounds. Anyway, surprisingly, Louis does it a second time and this time his actions have an untoward effect as the preppy guy is hit on the head by a falling Stuart (Barry Sobel), who was working on a ladder above the check-in desk and was unceremoniously knocked from his perch by Louis’ shenanigans. The preppy guy steps up looking for a fight, but Louis diffuses the situation with some quick thinking; either that, or the preppy guy knew that nerds fight dirty.
While the altercation takes place inside, out by the pool, Poindexter – insipid as always – hits lustily on a cardboard cutout and then he walks into the pool – fully clothed in a three-piece suit – to get his newfound lady-love a drink. Back inside, Loius consoles Stuart, who feared for his life and limbs in the face of preppy rage, and then Louis saunters up to the counter to come face-to-face with . . . Pam from Summer School (Courtney Thorne-Smith)! Whoa! I guess the humiliation of getting kicked out of Shoop’s house forced her to leave California and change her name to “Sunny” along the way. That’s what you get when you get involved with a teacher, though. Louis, the Tri-Lams’ resident lothario, flirts with Sunny and sensually helps her with her typing technique; it’s all for naught, though, as Sunny and Louis learn, much to Louis’ chagrin, that Louis and his companions don’t have reservations! But aren’t nerds always prepared?!? Of course they are, but they’re not prepared for when sleazy, nerd-fearing hotel managers (Ed Lauter) cancels the reservations on his own accord to keep the Tri-Lams out of his establishment. Louis and the Tri-Lams, disheartened by this callous development, swing into action to find alternate lodging. Poindexter finds a new place but, before they can head out there, the Tri-Lams meet the local representative of their arch-rival fraternity, Alpha Beta Roger (Bradley Whitford). Don’t weep for Roger’s villainy, though; we all know that, later in life, he’ll be an executive for Brian Madison, get shot by Steve Buscemi, and then end up working for President Jed Bartlet. Not bad for a guy who once bullied nerds in a terrible sequel. But perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself.
At the next hotel – which is an uproariously comical pit of disrepair – the Tri-Lams meet their first truly extraneous character, the hotel’s Ricky Ricardo-obsessed owner and operator, Aldonza (Priscilla Lopez). While the rest of the Tri-Lams take in the copious – and hilariously run-down – amenities, Booger spies a creepy James Hong sitting alone in a shabby room in a dimly lit corner of the hotel. Booger, for some reason, is in awe, but he’s quickly spirited away by his comrades so that they can all see the lovely chalk outline gracing the floor of their hotel room. After Aldonza covers up this avant-garde decorative statement, she then pulls a butcher knife from under one of the mattresses so that she can kill . . . the guys’ lunch. Ah, shady Latino stereotypes are so wacky . . . as are broad strokes of characterization. Elsewhere, back at the original hotel, the local Alpha Betas’ plan their next move while lounging homoerotically in a hot tub. It seems that these fine, upstanding examples of upper-middle class youth want the nerds gone from their midst and that the Alpha Beta nicknamed “Tiny” (Tom Hodges . . . the preppy guy from earlier in the film) has serious phallic size issues. I think that’s more than his fraternal brethren would like to know, personally. Then again, maybe they’re “size queens,” if you catch my drift. Anyway, while “Tiny” tries to defend himself and his miniscule member, Ogre urinates for an uncomfortable amount of time in the background, predating the much funnier version of that gag from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery by exactly ten years. If you’re going to steal comedy, at least steal from things people have never seen, Mr. Myers.
Sometime later – or some day after, the Tri-Lams are invited to a mysterious party in their honor somewhere in the state of Florida. Wormser, since he’s the youngest and – obviously – the smartest of the group, smells something fishy. Unfortunately, Booger doesn’t take the opportunity to smell his fingers; he made tuna salad for lunch that day. What did you think I was going to say? Perverts. Poindexter, meanwhile, does confess to venting his flatulence in the air, so you at least get your quota for sophomoric humor in this scene. Happy now? You’re still all perverts. Anyway, the Tri-Lams get into an unmarked van which whisks them away to a rain forest? Are there rain forests in Florida? Anyway, the guys conveniently stumble onto what appears to be a virgin sacrifice! Wow . . . that’s random. Louis – since he’s the “stud” of the fraternity – and Lamar – for no apparent reason since he has no interest in the woman whatsoever – convince their associates to help them rescue the maiden in peril, just because the film would be much shorter if they didn’t.
In order to enact the plan, the Tri-Lams surreptitiously wander through what appears to be a cheesy looking Aztec funhouse . . . or one of those overly elaborate miniature golf installations. You know; the ones that usually have tons of decrepit obstacles in which your balls can get stuck never to be seen again. And, as we all can surmise, there is no humiliation worse than emasculation by mini-golf. What? You thought I was talking about Titleists? Somehow, through a convoluted series of events, the Tri-Lams end up perilously and precariously trapped over an alligator pit while the Alphas, disguised as stereotypical, NCAA-approved Seminoles, force our heroes to strip to their skivvies and chant nonsensical ramblings. Poindexter, cunning linguist, harangues the ersatz Native Americans in their native language and discerns, from their lack of reaction, that this is all a ruse. The Tri-Lams, meanwhile, freak out anyway, as per their particular idiom, and – somehow – end up in the middle of a restaurant. Wow; that was . . . odd. And time killing.
As the Tri-Lams walk back to their hotel and lament their lots in life, Louis scolds his brothers for their lack of faith and then he – we all knew THIS was coming – swears REVENGE! The rest of the Tri-Lams, who realize that REVENGE is usually fruitless and futile but still look up to Louis as a leader, apologize to their captain and role model. Afterward, while the rest of the Tri-Lams go off to do something, Booger has a little chat with creepy James Hong, who – it appears – is meant to be Booger’s slovenly, Asian guru. Because all slobs need a guru. The two have a spirited belching contest after which Booger humbles himself at the feet of his newfound master and becomes a willing apprentice. Although, if Booger starts calling him Darth Sloppy, I’m shutting the movie off.
Back at the other hotel, the Alphas gloat about the success of their plan at the pool; meanwhile, the sleazy manager scolds Sunny for being nice and charitable to some unhappy guests. Stuart, due to his unrequited love for Sunny, defends her honor, so the manager has the ersatz nerd forcibly ejected from the hotel and, serendipitously enough, right in front of the Tri-Lams. The Tri-Lams, feeling pity for one of their own in need, righteously enter the hotel in order to stand up for Stuart . . . and then, somehow, they all end up sitting on the floor – without a table and chairs of their own – at the fraternity conference. Roger, mastermind of this abject humiliation, then reveals his coup de grâce: he proposes a physical fitness requirement for all fraternities under the national banner, which is seconded by Ogre and much to the remarkably unfit Tri-Lams’ chagrin. You know what? I do believe that warrants a . . . . Dum-dum-DUM!
Later, the Tri-Lams, used to this kind of treatment, go back to the playbook that served them well enough in their first encounter with the Alpha Betas in Revenge of the Nerds: they plan a REVENGE party. Or, at least, they plan a party that is supposed to serve as some sort of REVENGE against their tormentors. Yeah . . . I don’t get it either. Anyway, channeling a spirit of protest not seen since the 1960s, the Tri-Lams get to work on their party and accompanying concert which features none other than Lamar reprising his role as lead singer of the fraternity. This time, though, instead of singing about why the Tri-Lams are so cool, he instead raps (badly) against the proposed fraternity conference amendment. Ooh . . . civil disobedience. Backing up Lamar are the usual band of misfits – but not the band The Misfits – most notably a Prince-aping Booger on lead guitar and Poindexter on the violin . . . and it’s here that I realize that there just isn’t enough violin in hip-hop. And then, just when you think everything’s good and everything’s nice . . . Stuart joins the fray and accompanies Lamar onstage. Oh boy. A rapping white guy. How novel. Although I really shouldn’t make fun; Sobel has street cred carrying over from his days as a supporting player on 227. He’s “down” with the “urban” culture . . . or not, as his stint on 227 came two years AFTER Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise. Anyway, convoluted entertainment timelines aside, the crowd – after much prompting from Lamar and Stuart – get the meaning of the Tri-Lams’ righteous indignation, including Sunny; meanwhile, the Alphas aren’t happy. Then again, are they ever really happy? The world wants to know.
At the next session of the conference, the Tri-Lams have a table and their REVENGE – for the moment – as the proposed amendment is shot down by the body politic. Roger, perhaps as a gesture of goodwill, then proposes a joint amendment with Louis stating that any fraternity caught engaging in illegal activities will summarily be expelled from the conference and disbanded. Louis falls for it – since he’s always gullibly searching for acceptance from the masses – but we all know that this is all a ruse and will probably be used against the Tri-Lams. It’s just a hunch, at least. As a way of burying the hatchet between the two embattled fraternities, Roger and the Alphas invite the Tri-Lams up to their ugly, ‘80s-infused suite for a little rest and relaxation. Later, at the Tri-Lams’ regular hotel, creepy James Hong gives Booger a spitting lesson while Louis calls Gilbert. Gilbert, not party to the goings-on in Ft. Lauderdale, takes advantage of his objective position by cautioning the ever-eager Louis as to the Alphas’ true intent.
And just what is the Alphas’ true intent? Well, Roger – with the hotel manager’s support – plans a little trap for the Tri-Lams . . . and Sunny and some other random HOT CHICKS are to be the bait. Roger lends Sunny his car and then she – and the other HOT CHICKS – find the Tri-Lams relaxing comfortably at the pool. The Tri-Lams, sensing the girls’ provocative approach, huddle up and chat about the sexual possibilities perhaps in the making in the scene. After the girls break up the powwow, the whole gang heads out in Roger’s GIANT Cadillac and they end up all together at the beach . . . though they probably could’ve walked there from the hotel. On the sand, the other HOT CHICKS and most of the Tri-Lams frolic while Louis stares at a sunbathing Sunny. Hmm . . . that’s not too uncomfortable and not at all creepy. Nope. Sunny, unaware of the potential stalker in her midst, invites Louis to lotion her back . . . and then they end up chatting about her non-existent dating habits while he spreads the sunblock over her shoulders. Weird. Even weirder is the fact that Sunny knows an inordinate amount of neurology for no particular reason when she talks about brain cells or something like that. Whatever, movie.
Just before Louis readies himself to slip Sunny the bone or saw off her head and keep it as a trophy, they’re rudely interrupted by the other HOT CHICKS, who deign that the Tri-Lams go on a beer run for them. Sunny lends Louis and the gang (no relation to Kool) Roger’s car and then the Tri-Lams head out while the trio of HOT CHICKS makes a break for it in the heroes’ absence. After some HILARIOUS shenanigans in a liquor store, the Tri-Lams are arrested for grand theft auto – Roger reported his GIANT Cadillac as “stolen” to the local police – upon exiting the establishment. Wow . . . now I know where Rockstar Games really got the idea for Vice City. And we all thought it was Miami Vice too. In the local police station, the Tri-Lams line up for their mugshots and then they’re put into lockup together. Once there, the Tri-Lams attempt to contemplate exactly what happened to them and then Louis goes ballistic on an overly curious inmate. Later, Wormser shanked the guy in his sleep.
Back at the fancy hotel, the Alphas celebrate their victory over the Tri-Lams until Stuart – looking for his new friends – shows up to spoil the party. The Alphas, emboldened by their recent successes, throw Stuart off of a balcony; luckily for the ersatz Tri-Lam, the pool was below to break his fall. Also luckily for Stuart, Sunny is right there on hand to help him out of the pool and, in return, Stuart reveals the Alphas’ evil plot to Sunny! Sunny, seeing the Alphas for the miscreants they are, bails the Tri-Lams out of jail but, instead of thanking her for her generosity, Louis merely spurns her and – surprisingly – his nerd brethren. Before he has a chance to break out on his own and away from his compatriots, Louis and the rest of the gang are kidnapped by the Alphas . . . directly in front of the police station. Yup. No crimes being committed here . . . move along.
The Alphas, now intoxicated with power, abscond with the Tri-Lams to somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, where they throw their rivals overboard! Whoa . . . this is getting a little heavy for a “wacky” comedy. Kidnapping? Attempted murder? Hilarious, I guess. Anyway, Sunny, not content to be the lead moll for the evil, nefarious Alphas, dives off the boat after the Tri-Lams. The Alphas pay her no mind, though, as they’re busy trying to convince Ogre not to brag about their illicit exploits. Poor Ogre; he may be dumb, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be proud. Evidently, however, the Alphas think otherwise as they conspire to throw Ogre overboard as well, ridding themselves of a potential informant. Ogre, who – in a convenient turn of events – can’t swim, panics and flails about the water until Wormser, the naïve neophyte of the Tri-Lam clan, swims out to rescue their multiple-time tormentor, perhaps against his – or anyone’s – better judgement.
Once on the beach, Ogre – still keeping up his Alpha male (pun definitely intended) façade – scolds the Tri-Lams for being who they are. Louis, perhaps finally driven to the breaking point by the terrible treatment from the first moment, freaks out and then the other Tri-Lams, perhaps looking to avoid Louis’ impending murderous rage, go off in search of firewood. During the search, Booger – who really hasn’t had much to do since learning to expectorate impressively – finds freshly growing marijuana in the middle of the jungle and, like a good castaway, harvests some of it for the rest of his tribe. That night, the Tri-Lams sit around a campfire – luckily, no one has a guitar this week – and smoke up together. Sunny joins them in order to get warm, but she doesn’t partake of the wacky weed; Ogre, meanwhile, does and then seamlessly joins into a philosophical conversation between Wormser and Poindexter which really has nothing to do with anything. Ah, there’s nothing like the pseudo-intellectual ramblings of the insanely stoned. Woody Harrelson would be proud.
That night, a sleeping and as-yet-not-homicidal Louis sleeps and dreams of a visitation from Jedi Gilbert. No word on whether or not Gilbert is a virgin as well, which would make this a miraculous vision. Jedi Gilbert, a figment of Louis’ imagination, helpfully breaks down the unconscious mind for his friend and compatriot; I guess, for all Louis has studied, he’s never had any experience in psychology. Too bad for him, I suppose. Jedi Gilbert, finally filling his limited role in the film, gives Louis another pep talk in which Gilbert entreats his friend to embrace his inner natural-born leadership . . . and then they start talking about Sunny for no reason in particular. Well, actually, there is a reason but it has little to do with the overriding plot, as Gilbert tells Louis that his stubbornness has blinded him to the fact that Sunny is REALLY into him and wouldn’t be there if she didn’t want some Skolnick lovin’ in the end. Or words to that effect.
The next morning, a now invigorated Louis rouses his troops and apologizes to Sunny, all in one deft maneuver. Using their unequaled powers of logic and science prowess, the Tri-Lams harness the power of the sun to discern their position; nowadays, they could just make a GPS out of household items for the same result. It turns out, via Wormser’s triangulations, that they’re on the island of an ally of Fidel Castro and, as such, there is a legendary hidden cache of military supplies somewhere on the island. After Stuart channels The Professor from Gilligan’s Island and fashions a metal detector from coconuts and bamboo, Poindexter and Ogre use the logic-defying contraption to discover the stash of military surplus. The Tri-Lams, with Sunny and now Ogre by their side, gird for battle and – for no reason other than to provide a little pointless T&A – Sunny dons a camouflage string bikini top. Yup.
Back at the hotel – the fancy one, to be specific – the Alphas, in the front of the conference, prepare a vote to expel the Tri-Lams for their unfortunate run in with the law. Roger, foolishly wasting time, gets indignant over the fact that the Tri-Lams, who were co-sponsors of the amendment, have the audacity to not even show up for their hearing. Meanwhile, the Tri-Lams drive a conveniently provided amphibious vehicle onto the beach and into the conference room. Poindexter, the vehicle’s pilot, freaks out for some reason or another – as he is wont to do on occasion – and they all end up floating in the hotel pool. Louis, now with everyone’s attention, grabs a microphone from the poolside band and then accidentally electrocutes himself before he has a chance to state his case. Oh well . . . movie over. Alright, not really, as Louis attempts to defend himself and the Tri-Lams; Roger, meanwhile, turns all Alpha male and tries to keep Louis from speaking. Louis, finally enraged to wit’s end, punches Roger into the pool . . . and then he and Sunny make out. In the aftermath, Ogre turns on Roger and sides with the Tri-Lams and then, as a denouement, he joins them by drinking some nasty bile-colored punch. And there is much rejoicing . . . mainly because the movie’s really, finally over.
I’d really love to know just who’s idea this movie was, since it’s essentially a terrible rehash of the first film, but set in a different locale. I’m actually surprised that the third installment of the series wasn’t set in the Arctic or somewhere like that. You could have a bevy of Nerds films, each one from a different place around the world. Or not, as they would all be exponentially more terrible than the last. That being said, this is a perfect film to end our study of the American educational system, as we finally learn that the only way the downtrodden in the system can stand up to the elites is by partaking in wanton destruction of property – the amphibious vehicle destroying the hotel – and vengeful violence – Louis decking Roger. It’s all an intimidation game, and we’re all just pawns. Clearly, that’s a disheartening development, just like a terrible sequel to a good film . . . which reminds me that I haven’t studied terrible sequels in some time. Perhaps it’s high time we’ve done it again!
Join me next week as I work on my segueways and kick off another trio of terrible sequels to not-so-terrible films; see you then!
