Misunderstood Masterpieces: Teen Wolf Too
Posted by Will Helm on 09.06.2005
…or, It’s Time for Bad Sequels 2: Electric Boogaloo
Way back in the beginning of 2004, I brought to you, my dear readers, a trilogy of terrible and ill-conceived sequels. While the precursors to Grease 2, Blues Brothers 2000, and GhostBusters 2 may have been good – or even great – films, their sequels were far from that high echelon of quality. In summation, they stunk. Of course, as with anything in Hollywood, just because a series of movies are critical and financial flops doesn’t mean that it won’t stop others from trying. So, for those of you out there in Hollywood who can’t get the original star for your sequel, who can’t lock up the director or writing team that brought you glory the first time, who think that banking on a title and nothing else is a good idea . . . this trio of films is for you. Maybe you’ll learn this time and stop making terrible sequels!
Ahem. Excuse me.
Our first victim – I mean “film” – is the follow-up to the relatively modest Michael J. Fox hit Teen Wolf cleverly titled Teen Wolf Too. The first film, hailing from Fox’s do-no-wrong year of 1985 – because he’s gotta get BACK in TIME! – Teen Wolf presented the story of a lowly, nerdy young lad who finds popularity through his family’s personal curse: lycanthrope. If anything, this film did much to further werewolf-human relations and for that I’m sure . . . someone can be thankful. I don’t know too many werewolves, but I’m sure they’re happy about this film. Dodging silver bullets because of bad PR is not a life you’d want to lead. Anyway, two years later, relatively unsuccessful producer Kent Bateman – as well as some other people, I’m sure – decided to bring back everyone’s favorite adolescent shape-changer for another go-‘round onscreen.
Unfortunately for Bateman, the burgeoning young star of the first film was unavailable for the sequel (strike 1) so, thinking quickly, Bateman stayed true to the NBC network, where Fox was currently the breakout star of ‘80s staple Family Ties, and recruited the young male actor featured in the minor, identity-confused hit Valerie/Valerie’s Family/The Hogan Family – and current star of critical darling Arrested Development – Jason Bateman. Jason Bateman, a likable enough act . . . hey, wait a minute. Something’s fishy here. Kent Bateman. Jason Bateman. Hmm . . . father and . . . SON! Nepotism? What’s that? Aaron Spelling would be proud. And it doesn’t help that Kent’s daughter – and Jason’s sister – starred alongside Fox in Family Ties as HIS sister. That’s just kind of incestuous. Eew. Anyway, even though Jason Bateman is a likable and – as we now know – remarkably talented actor, would he be enough to make Teen Wolf Too a hit despite missing its true star? Seriously . . . you already know the answer to that, so let’s just cut to the chase.
Through the hallowed halls of some college – I thought we were done with education movies! – the dulcet tones of the university’s alma mater ring as sung by the world’s most depressing Glee Club. How’s that for an ironic juxtaposition? Just so you know the quality of the education we’re dealing with here, there’s a pedophilic-seeming fountain in a courtyard and a guy with a mullet rides a bike. What these two things have to do with the movie . . . I have no idea. In one of the many, many brick-faced administration buildings on campus – I’d love to see a college that was nothing but administration buildings; I’m sure there’s more than a few bureaucratic enough for that – Gomez Addams (John Astin), the “Dean of Men,” berates a lowly teacher for some undefined reason. It seems that, for some reason, said teacher has sabotaged Gomez’s desire for dominance in the world of collegiate boxing by recruiting an unknown clarinet player for a scholarship. OK . . . I just have to say one thing: boxing? I didn’t know there were many boxing teams at colleges. Unless this is one of those weird Title IX things; perhaps Gomez was thinking that if the men have only a boxing team, then they don’t need women’s athletics at all. Crafty, Mr. Addams. Very crafty. Anyway, the teacher defends his seemingly imprudent decision while Gomez and his barely tamed dog go mad.
And just who is this mysterious clarinet player? A young, fresh-faced buck named Todd Howard (Jason Bateman), who’s currently being driven somewhere by the guy that played the dad in the first Teen Wolf movie (James Hampton). During their conversation, the two men hint obviously about the one plot development we already know. Seriously, guys; the movie’s not called Teen Wolf Too for nothing! Then, for no particular reason, the dad from the first film turns into a werewolf; I guess that’s to remind viewers that he can. Thanks, movie! It’s through his shape-shifting that we finally learn of the dad’s role in this film: he’s Todd’s uncle, which means that Todd is Scott’s (Michael J. Fox . . . who isn’t in this movie) cousin, which makes the whole Jason Bateman/Justine Bateman/Michael J. Fox connection that much ickier. Speaking of icky, we also learn, through the dad’s helpful exposition, that neither Todd’s mother or father are werewolves, so he probably isn’t one either. OK . . . why would the dad know that both parents even have the possibility of being werewolves unless – ugh – Todd’s parents are related by blood. Not even ten minutes into the movie and there’s already WAY too much incest for my tastes.
When Todd and his uncle finally arrive at the hallowed halls of higher learning from earlier in the film, the uncle nearly runs down a greaser (Robert Neary) and his HOT CHICKS (Beth Ann Miller and Rachel Sharp) in his Corvette. Todd, not wanting any trouble, backs down and entreats his uncle to find another parking spot. After – I suppose – finding an alternate place to park, Todd and his uncle go up to Todd’s dorm room where they meet Todd’s roommate: some guy with a mullet who knows Todd somehow. After a bit of helpful exposition from the uncle once more, we learn that Todd’s unfortunately coiffed roommate is Scott’s best friend Stiles (Stuart Fratkin). I don’t know what it is – perhaps Stiles ran into trouble with the mob between Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf Too – but he looks nothing like Jerry Levine, the guy that played Stiles in the first film. Stiles, for reasons unexplained – and there are some things I just don’t want explained – seemingly hits on Todd.
Todd, not wanting to spend anymore time with his slovenly and possibly homosexual roommate, accompanies his uncle down to the van and sees his kind, lycanthropic relative off. He then – because he has to – returns up to his floor, where he’s terrorized by Francis from Pee-wee’s Big Adventure dressed as a fencer. Is it just me, or has this movie been terribly random so far? Anyway, supposedly Francis is another hold-over from the first film, and he and Stiles are in cahoots because, as Todd learns when he returns to his room, Stiles moved all Todd’s stuff in the hopes of getting him to wolf out. In addition, Stiles also took the time to register Todd for some hilariously bad classes which sound like they come from a women’s liberal arts college from 1962. Candle Making? French for Chefs? Fawn Leibowitz would be proud. Todd, unhappy with his schedule, goes off to see the registrar, who is represented by a nasty old woman who refuses to change anyone’s classes. She relents, however, when Todd unwittingly does the glowing-eyes thing from the first film. Ooh . . . bad special effects are scary.
Later that day, Todd ambles off to his first class, where he meets a nerdy HOT CHICK (Estee Chandler) in a biology lab. After making small talk with the obvious love interest, Todd’s professor walks into the class . . . and it’s the mom from Better Off Dead . . . (Kim Darby)! Maybe they’ll study that thing she made with the raisins in it. Lane likes raisins. The professor, who also happens to be Todd’s advisor – hopefully she, unlike most advisors, actually gives good advice . . . or advice at all – gleefully adds Todd to her class list. Now that Todd, fledgling veterinarian, has his schedule worked out, he goes back to hitting on the nerdy chick, this time helping her with a microscope. After Todd turns it on and takes his leave, the nerdy chick fondles the instrument like a phallus. No, really.
Even more later in the day – Todd and his uncle must have gotten to school around 5 AM – Todd has a tête-à-tête with the boxing coach (Paul Sand), who was also the teacher getting chewed out by Gomez Addams back in the first scene of the film. The coach, who may also be a stalker and/or werewolf hunter, has a picture of Scott playing basketball – from the first film – in his office. Todd, swiftly onto just what’s going on around him, contends that he can’t wolf out, since the lycanthrope skipped his family. Todd, since he’s a chipper young guy, goes to boxing practice anyway and, hilariously, has no clue how to do anything. While we, the audience, are supposed to be enjoying his ineptitude, one person is extremely unhappy with Todd’s lack of skill: Gomez Addams. I guess Morticia hasn’t been dusting his pipes like she used to at home.
Yet more later in the longest day in Earth’s history, Todd and the nerdy chick come face-to-face with each other in the library, where they’re fighting over an obscure zoology text. The nerdy chick, since she’s nerdy and – therefore – elitist, puts down Todd as just a “jock” due to his athletic scholarship. Ooh . . . that’s harsh, future love interest! Todd, quite put out with her assumptions of his mental deficiency, freaks out at her and then does the glowing-eyes thing at some random guy who looks like the drummer from The Grateful Dead. No, the other one. Afterward, the nerdy chick finds Todd outside under a tree and she ends up giving him the book anyway. Hmm . . . maybe she’s having feminine issues or something. Todd sort of apologizes for his rude behavior – she should be glad he didn’t start humping her leg or anything like that – and then catches up with her just so that he can brag about winning a science fair with a project about crab sex. Of course, he calls it “crustacean reproduction,” but that’s just a fancy way of saying it. Todd and the nerdy chick then end up watching a string quartet for no particular reason and then they walk on campus some more; they each then ask each other out on a date or to study or something and love blooms all over a zoology book.
Perhaps the next day – as you can plainly tell already, this movie is REALLY sketchy when it comes to timeframes – Todd attends a stuffy alumni reception . . . which is pretty much a bunch of small tables with white tablecloths and a boring band in a really big room. Because there’s a whole lot of creepy going on in this movie, the nerdy chick is there as well and I have to wonder at this point just who’s stalking who. Before we have a chance to find out the answer to that conundrum, Gomez Addams, accompanied by some matronly old broad and the greaser’s HOT CHICKS, accosts Todd and, much to Todd’s surprising chagrin, forces him to dance with the blond, Southern HOT CHICK. Hmm . . . now why would Todd protest that? Perhaps he’s more interested in dancing with Stiles (who’s on hand for no real reason other than to shoehorn him into the scene) or Francis (ditto), then. Who knew mullets were so homoerotic? Anyway, while Todd waltzes with the HOT CHICK, the nerdy chick gets all self-conscious . . . and then Todd grows claws. Maybe this is why all the carry-overs from the first film are on hand: Todd’s starting to wolf out in front of everyone! Todd, alarmed at his metamorphosis, steals Francis’ tuba and then, in the resulting melee, the HOT CHICK gets hit with a cake. Yup.
Back in the dorm, Todd freaks out but, luckily for him, Stiles and his mullet are there not to comfort our hero, but to offer to be his business agent. Something tells me that this is going to turn into a commentary on college athletics by the end of the film. It’s just a hunch. Later, in history class, two Asian guys conspire to give Todd fleas, since every school has Petri dishes full of fleas lying around. Todd, infested and itching, leaves class . . . only to run into Gomez Addams and his psycho dog. Gomez is quite unhappy with Todd’s antics at the reception so, in order to put a stop to Todd’s shenanigans, Gomez threatens to blacklist Todd at every college in the nation if he doesn’t bone up on his boxing prowess. Dum-dum-DUM!
Todd then visits his biology professor, who tells him that she’s concerned for him. Thanks, lady. Meanwhile, the nerdy chick finds Todd under a tree; sadly, he’s not lifting a leg to bless it, if you catch my drift. The nerdy chick plies Todd’s affections with some chicken and then she confesses that she understands his condition . . . and then they make out. OK . . . maybe now he’ll hump her leg. Later, at the first boxing meet, Todd’s lowly team is getting killed, much to Gomez’s and the coach’s chagrins. The coach, perhaps trying a new strategy, sends in Francis to fight off some guy nearly fifty pounds smaller. Ooh . . . well played, coach; well played. Francis, as inept in boxing as he is in life, dodges his opponent’s attacks and then counters with a spinning spinebuster! And then the bear hug! Bah gawd! Bah gawd! I do believe he’s a hoss! Francis, after pushing his opponent into the ropes, wins the fight by accident with one punch. Ronnie Garvin would be proud.
Next in the ring for the rival school is the greaser who, like a good heel, wears his sunglasses to the ring under his boxing headgear. Now that’s commitment to the character. Although, since he has a parking place at Todd’s college, I thought he also went to school there. Eh . . . there’s no time for nagging details in a film this good! Yes, that was sarcasm. Anyway, I guess there should really be time for nagging details, as the greaser dispatches his opponent in record time. Todd, last on the bench for his team, then enters the ring with the greaser . . . BUT WAIT! It’s a bait-and-switch, as Todd has to actually fight some other guy who kind-of looks like the greaser but isn’t. And how do we know? Because the greaser is helpful enough to be in the corner giving the guy a pep talk . . . with his sunglasses on. Oh yeah; work that character. Anyway, after a bit of well-choreographed evasion, Todd gets clocked and then hits the canvas. Then – and you can’t see this coming at all – he wolfs out! The HOT CHICKS – who are in the audience cheering on the greaser – for some reason, aren’t impressed by his transformation but everyone else is. Todd, now in new-and-improved werewolf form, mauls his opponent . . . figuratively, which makes the HOT CHICKS excited for no discernable reason. Unless, of course, they’re mentally ill from all the products in their hair. Stranger things have happened.
That evening, at a party, Stiles – and his mullet – introduces werewolf Todd to a ravenous audience . . . and Todd busts into a fairly horrid rendition of The Contours’ “Do You Love Me?” Oh movie; was it too much to ask for you NOT to have a musical number? I really don’t get it, honestly. Unless Kent Bateman was trying to get his son over as an acting-singing-dancing triple threat, this really has no place in the movie other than to kill time. And, let me tell you, it kills so much time that I just want to fast forward . . . but no; my ethics and commitment to you, my dear readers, state that I must press onward, as torturous as it may be. I hope you’re all happy. Anyway, after the Dirty Dancing inspired scene, everyone loves werewolf Todd . . . except for the nerdy chick, who isn’t amused at all by his performance. Geez . . . everybody’s a critic, I suppose. But at least she agrees with me.
The next day, Stiles – as werewolf Todd’s business agent – starts the merchandising machine rolling. Yogurt would be proud. Meanwhile, Todd, perhaps setting back the Werewolf Rights Movement about twenty years, does humorous – yet humiliating – dog-like things while clad in bad ‘80s fashions. Werewolves are (half-) people too, you know! Show a little dignity! Later, Stiles hilariously helps train werewolf Todd in the pugilistic arts and Todd, logically, becomes an overnight boxing phenom . . . and he can jump rope in fast forward. Well that’s good; at least something is being fast forwarded. Gomez, meanwhile, is happy and so is Todd, since now people like him . . . except for the greaser. He doesn’t like anyone . . . except the Fonz. The greaser, in line for a championship bout with werewolf Todd, states that Todd’s in deep trouble – or words to that effect – in an interview with Woody Allen. Well, he sounded and looked like Woody Allen and, if it sounds like a duck and looks like a duck . . . it must be Woody Allen. Of course, that would then mean that Woody Allen is a) a duck, b) indeed made of wood, c) buoyant, and – therefore – d) a witch. Good to know.
After a few days or weeks, Todd is the Big Lycanthrope On Campus and, in a startling turn of events, he takes Gomez’s dog. Now that’s just cruel . . . but they can speak the same language! Todd then breaks about 101 recruiting rules and by buying or, worse, receiving a Corvette of his own, which he uses to terrorize bicyclists and impress HOT CHICKS with his bad driving. Meanwhile, the nerdy chick is still unmoved by Todd’s newfound celebrity. Back at the dorm, much to Stiles’ consternation, he’s ostracized from the room because Todd’s busy having naked fun with the HOT CHICKS. Stiles, therefore, goes to hang out with flatulent Francis and he confides in his corpulent cohort that he’s been a bad business agent for werewolf Todd, who’s now a monster with a big head. Francis, as per his particular idiom, tries to cheer up Stiles with a cookie, but we don’t learn if it works or not. Damned movie . . . how dare you leave that moment hanging!
In biology class, the nerdy chick, left on the outside looking in after werewolf Todd became popular, is upset with her love interest’s antics and disinterest . . . so she hits him with a dead frog. No, really. Somehow, through a convoluted series of events and misunderstandings, this turns into a full-blown frog fight! Somewhere, John Belushi is rolling over in his grave . . . unless he was cremated; in that case, he’s just swirling in his urn. The professor, since she’s just getting over the fact that she has a suicidal son who loves a French girl, is not pleased with the goings-on in class; after the session, she deigns to have a chat with Todd and she gets all Spider-Man on him because with great power . . . etc. Todd, meanwhile, just ignores his advisor’s actual advice because he’s late for boxing practice and, more importantly, in dire need of some ego stroking for his newfound celebrity.
Outside the building, Todd runs into the nerdy chick, who confesses that she misses the normal Todd and then she goes from that into lecturing him because “she cares about him.” Geez . . . what a nag! It’s not like they were even dating long! That evening, werewolf Todd plays mini-golf with the HOT CHICKS and he bores them with his show of skill. Note to Todd: HOT CHICKS, by and large, do not like mini-golf. Meanwhile, they do like greasers, because the evil greaser – who we haven’t seen since his little interview – shows up to claim them back from werewolf Todd. Then, just because he needs to as a good villain, the greaser crushes a golf ball with his bare hand! I may be overstating it at this point, but he is just FEELING that character. You go, greaser; you go.
Back at the dorm, werewolf Todd, perhaps hopped up on goofballs or Purina One, bothers the diligent, studying Stiles. Stiles, deep in the throes of academia – for the first time in this movie – isn’t in the mood for fun, but Todd presses the issue. Stiles, his mullet blowing forcefully in the wind, tells Todd that he’s tired of his werewolf friend’s antics and he thinks that Todd has changed from a good, normal guy . . . into a jerk! Them’s fightin’ words! Or not, as Todd is merely left alone to his thoughts in the boxing ring . . . until his uncle shows up from obscurity! I guess it’s time for exposition . . . but first a bit of an apology from Todd for the beast that he’s become. Todd’s uncle tells his nephew that he’s only half-human – so he’s only half imperfect? – and Todd, confused as to the duality of his life, doesn’t know what to do next. Wow. Is it just me or did this suddenly get remarkably Messianic? Next thing you know, Moses and Elijah are going to show up in the ring with Todd. The uncle, like the helpful expository mentor that he is, gives Todd a pep talk and then calms Todd’s fear of death at the hands of the greaser. The uncle then gives Todd a few boxing pointers since he was – conveniently – a boxer back in college as well. Is this just a college sport that fell off the face of the Earth or something? Or is it just an ill-conceived plot device? The world may never know.
Once more in the library, Todd finds the nerdy chick there and apologizes humbly to her. It seems that he wants to be “special friends” again. I guess he’s in heat. Although, do male dogs go into heat? I need to bone up on my husbandry. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t, as that sentence has more than a hint of bestiality to it. Todd also tells the nerdy chick that he loves her, which is probably a waste of time, since he’s only going to dump her by the end of sophomore year anyway. Such are the breaks in college. Todd, with the help of the nerdy chick, gets a make-up exam from the professor which means that it’s time for another slickly edited musical montage, this time featuring Todd studying. It’s not all work and no play, however, as he does find some time during his cram session to get it on with the nerdy chick. All work and no play indeed.
The next day, Todd takes the exam and thanks the professor for her generosity. Then he hightails it over to the boxing meet where he finds his dejected teammates in the locker room, fearing the worst. Todd, master of eloquence, tells off the coach because Todd wants the greaser, one-on-one. Like we didn’t see that coming WAY back in the beginning of the film. After Todd takes a stand, Francis, perhaps whipped up by Todd’s rebelliousness, starts singing the alma mater/fight song . . . and the rest of the team, like a good group of lock-step cult members, starts singing along. As the fighters file out triumphantly, Gomez enters the fray to corner Todd and tells our young hero that he risks fame and fortune if he doesn’t bring out “the wolf.” You mean Harvey Keitel is going to be there? Cool!
Over in the gym, dowdy cheerleaders root on the boxing team; meanwhile, the biology professor threatens to blackmail Dean Addams if he doesn’t lay off Todd . . . and then she reveals herself to be a werewolf too! What the . . . ? Now that’s an interesting – and totally unneeded – plot device, unless they were planning a third film in which Todd runs for governor with the American Werewolf Party. I hear David Naughton was scheduled to make a guest appearance. Anyway, in his fight, Francis does the lauded rope-a-dope against his opponent and then defeats his rival without resorting to wrestling maneuvers. And then, finally, your great dramatic climax, as the greaser enters the ring to face . . . NORMAL TODD! Everyone in the crowd, after Todd doffs his hood to reveal his hairless face, is dejected . . . except for his uncle and the nerdy chick. Todd, much to Gomez’s chagrin, reveals that this is to be his retirement bout, which is probably a good idea as the greaser goes into a fit of ‘roid rage against our hero. After a round’s worth of beating, Todd recovers while one of the HOT CHICKS from earlier in the film acts as a ring card girl. I wonder if she gets credit-hours for that. Anyway, to make a long fight short, after a drawn out, melodramatic pummeling, Todd evades wolfing out and defeats the greaser with an uppercut and a flurry of follow-up punches. There is – as expected – much rejoicing . . . and Todd makes out with the nerdy chick. It’s too bad he didn’t have a chance to stand in the middle of the ring and shout “NERDY CHICK!” at the top of his lungs before that, though. Now that would’ve made this movie complete.
It’s not often that a film this bad comes into my purview. The first Teen Wolf wasn’t a good film to begin with, but it was carried by Michael J. Fox’s impressive charisma and a disposable-ness that made it a bit of a guilty pleasure from the ‘80s. Teen Wolf Too, however, has no reason to exist. It’s never a good sign when I want to fast forward a film just because it’s so ungodly boring. And it’s even less of a good sign when the film has to fill time with a pointless dance number and a couple even more pointless musical montages. Now, I’m not one to demean or begrudge the Bateman clan; I’m sure they’re good people . . . and Jason Bateman did rock in his minor role in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. But I’m sure that it would have been a better idea to let Jason’s career evolve naturally, rather than force him into this terrible film in order to boost his career . . . especially when the sheer awfulness of the film may have had the exact opposite effect. Here’s hoping that Jason Bateman goes onto have a brilliant and long career and here’s hoping that I stop regretting that I wasted ninety minutes of my life watching Teen Wolf Too.
Join me next week as we study whether or not it’s wise to make a sequel when the only recurring stars you can get are a dog and a piece of wood. Even though it should be closer to Halloween, I’ll get the movie rolling and see you then!
