Misunderstood Masterpieces: Son Of The Mask
Posted by Will Helm on 09.13.2005
…or, You Can’t Hide Your Shortcomings Behind a Piece of Wood
As this is the second installment of our Bad Sequels 2: Electric Boogaloo trifecta, I think it’s a perfect opportunity to see what happens when – unlike last week when there were a few carry-overs from the first film – no one shows up for the sequel. It’s hard to believe that filmmakers would bank on the success of a film’s title and concept, but it does happen. I don’t know who asks for it to happen and just what drugs they’re on, but it does happen. And few, if any of these travesties are as bad as this week’s film: 2005’s Son of the Mask.
Currently residing at #37 on the IMDB.com Bottom 100, Son of the Mask is the sequel to 1994’s hit film The Mask. Although a bit of a goofy concept and based on a relatively obscure independent comic, The Mask prevailed at the box office that year, raking in nearly $120,000,000. How could a film this off-the-wall be so successful? Well, 1994 was also the year the world took notice of an until-then little-known comedic talent by the name of Jim Carrey. In addition to his star turns in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective – which would have been one of the worst films ever made if not for Carrey’s performance, Dan Marino be damned – and the Farrelly brothers’ debut film Dumb & Dumber, Carrey brought his rubber-faced, physical comedy to The Mask. In addition, the film also featured spectacular special effects and a cinematic neophyte as the love interest by the name of Cameron Diaz. With a pedigree like this, how could Son of the Mask be so terrible? Read on and find out, dear readers. And hang onto your seats . . . this one might get rough.
For once, the movie actually lets us know where we are, because it states that the setting is Edge City and it’s raining there. No word on whether it’s prom night or not. Some guy – I guess we’re not spared from the vagueness altogether – walks to the local museum. Inside, lauded monotone Ben Stein gives a lecture on ancient relics and such. Who knew he was an expert in such things? Anyway, it seems, in what probably was supposed to be a humorous aside, that there was once a tribe of peoples who were musical and peaceful . . . and they were slaughtered. So that’s why gangsta rap is so violent! Self-preservation! Prof. Ben moves on to the Norse room where he, during a spiel about mythology, refers to Loki – the Norse god of mischief – as a brat. What does this have to do with the movie? Well, as Dr. Stein later states, Loki’s main method of mischief-making involved the creation of a mask which would give normal humans wild and crazy powers. The Festrunk brothers would be proud.
Because this movie would make absolutely no sense otherwise – at least at this point – there is someone who wants the mask for himself: Alan Cumming! Nightcrawler, how could you? After listening to Ben Stein pontificate in his dull voice, Alan Cumming gets ticked off and turns into Loki! Remind me never to call any deity a “brat” from now on. Loki, greatly enraged, smashes the display holding the mask and claims it for his own. There is one problem, though: it’s a fake. Prof. Ben, happy that his ruse is so successful, then faces the vengeance of a cheesed off god when Loki RIPS HIS FACE OFF! Not to worry, young ones; Loki simply takes off Ben Stein’s face without any blood – but with a lot of cheesy special effects – and places it where the facsimile mask once resided. Ah, isn’t that wonderfully humorous? Get used to it. Loki, in order to facilitate his escape, shoots some well-armed security guards – since when are security guards EVER well-armed? – through the floor below them with comically enlarged fingers. Wacky!
Meanwhile, in the suburbs of what is called “Fringe City,” a random dog – which looks strangely like the one from the first movie – finds the mask in a riverbed. Elsewhere, nervy thirty-something Tim Avery (Jamie Kennedy) and his chick (Traylor Howard) look at a newborn belonging to their annoying friends. Child-averse Tim, not content to just stand around gawking at a baby, then gets headbutt in the groin by one of the couple’s other children. I’ve heard George C. Scott won an Oscar for something similar. Somehow, Tim’s groin mutilation causes him to have a frightening dream about his chick giving birth to vampire babies. In the car on the drive home, Tim childishly plays with his chick’s face . . . until she bites his finger. And he wonders why he’s having a dream of vampire babies. Unless this is one of their “mating” rituals. We’ll have to ask Prof. Ben after he has his face reattached.
At home, Tim’s chick gets angry with him because he honestly states that he doesn’t want a baby at the moment. Hmm . . . you’d think that they’d discuss this before they got married. I guess I’m not hip to all that marriage stuff just yet. Anyway, Tim, instead of continuing the argument, elects to play hockey with his dog; after making a brilliant save, the dog gives Tim the mask . . . and then they make out. OK; if the dog ends up having little werewolf babies, I’m shutting the movie off and throwing it out the window. Although that’d be impressive considering it’s a male dog. Wow.
Over in Asgard, Odin (Bob Hoskins) is seriously on the warpath. In his godly way, he gives Loki a stern talking to while Loki relaxes on a beach somewhere. It must be nice to be a god of mischief. In the suburbs at the fringe of Fringe City, Tim draws – he’s a fledging animator – and yells at his chick. It seems that, instead of a progeny, he merely wants more time in his life and his own cartoon show. Here I thought that was The Jamie Kennedy Experiment. Oops. Meanwhile, she stresses once more – in words to the effect – that her biological clock is ticking, so it doesn’t matter what Tim wants, it’s all about what she wants. Sounds to me like she really wants a divorce. Tim does have good reason to be hesitant to start a family – other than his wife being quite pushy regarding the matter: he works a dead-end job as a human-sized turtle for an animation company. Well, at least his foot – or flipper, in this case – is in the door. Over lunch, he vents his frustrations to his best friend (Kal Penn) and his vague Indian accent. The nameless Indian guy wants Tim to have a chat with the boss about getting himself a promotion to the animation department; there is one obstacle standing in Tim’s way, though: the boss is none other than post-modern comic Steven Wright! Being Steven Wright and, therefore, knowing what true humor is, the boss unsurprisingly rejects Tim’s half-hearted pitch. Back to the turtle costume, loser!
For some reason, the movie then has a weird, totally unnecessary animation break, wherein Tim proclaims his atonement and love for his chick through a flipbook; the chick then states that would be why he would make a great . . . dad. Damn . . . someone’s a selfish bitch. Later, due to some sort of work commitment on his wife’s part – she’s probably cheating on him – Tim goes to the company Halloween party alone. Once there and in lieu of an actual costume, he dons the titular mask, which – much to his surprise – transforms him into the green-faced hero of the picture. Victor Yushchenko would be proud. New-and-improved Tim, taking advantage of the general mayhem the mask allows, messes with the party doorman and then he sexually harasses a mousy HOT CHICK. Although she may have been dressed as a cat . . . then the whole “mousy” bit becomes really confusing. Though one of Tim’s coworkers – and his arch-rival, apparently – attempts to entertain the crowd with some terrible crooning, Tim takes the stage from him and starts rapping a terrible version of The Four Seasons’ “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You.” Perhaps to counter his nemesis’ crooning, Tim then transforms into Tom Jones for a spell – not the real Tom Jones, sadly – and then he starts rapping again. Please! Make it stop! Although, like Teen Wolf Too before it, I guess this is the pointless, time-killing musical number. Way to be original, Son of the Mask! Anyway, while the cars outside dance to the music, Steven Wright is amazed and curious. Honestly, I would be too. Amazed and curious . . . not a dancing car.
After the party, Tim, still possessed by the mask, goes home and gets it on with his wife. Well, I guess she is cheating on him, unless you use the Jerrica/Jem/Rio precedent to justify it. You see, in the ‘80s cartoon Jem!, purple-haired lothario Rio dated rich, mousy HOT CHICK Jerrica. Jerrica, meanwhile, thanks to her giant computer, had an alter-ego: insanely famous rock star Jem. Rio, meanwhile, also took to dating Jem . . . while still dating Jerrica. Of course, we knew that everything was kosher because Jem and Jerrica are essentially the same person, but Rio didn’t know that, which means that he had no problem with dating two women at once. What a purple-haired jerk! OK . . . just why do I know so much about Jem!? Sometimes I scare myself. Anyway, the next morning, normal Tim awakens to beat up his alarm clock. At work, the nameless Indian guy is amazed by Tim’s performance the night before. Oh dear . . . I hope he wasn’t hiding in the closet! Eew. Although I think he really means Tim’s performance at the party, which garners Tim another meeting with Steven Wright; this time, thanks to the mask’s show-stopping musical number, Tim gets his promotion up to the animation department. It’s too bad he’ll have to relocate to South Korea.
After receiving the good news – but not from a creepy traveling salesman who has a stripper for an accomplice . . . yes, that was a Trailer Park Boys reference – Tim goes home and the first person he talks to . . . is his dog. Well, they were making out earlier in the film, so I guess it makes sense in a bestial sort of way. After celebrating with his pooch, Tim then tells his wife of the promotion and she has a bit of good news to lay on him: she’s pregnant! Boy, I bet we didn’t see that coming! Though, if we did, that would’ve been called a “money shot.” At an obstetrician’s office, the chick pukes bubbles and has dancing ultrasounds; minutes later, she gives birth. Well, I don’t think it was actually “minutes later”; methinks they did some time compression for the sake of brevity. Now if only they would end the movie for the sake of brevity, that’d be even nicer.
Once more in Asgard, Odin is angered by the baby’s existence. Yeah . . . you, me, and Jean-Paul Sartre, pal. Back on Earth, Loki searches for the mask in an antiques shop; Odin, very annoyed with his prodigal son, yells at his offspring from the body of the black shop owner. It’s a good thing that’s all he did, though; I had this odd feeling that he was going to follow his lecture with a rousing minstrel dance. Back on the outskirts of Fringe City, Tim plays with his baby (Liam and Ryan Falconer); meanwhile, the dog – quite put out by the lack of Tim’s affections – steals the mask and places it in his doghouse. In the real house, things get a little weird as the chick inflates a balloon and the baby, simultaneously, inflates his own head! Alright . . . that’s just freaky. Over at Fringe City General Hospital – or something like that – Loki sneaks in disguised as a giant mosquito plagued by internal monologue and then as a desk nurse. He procures a list of newborns as Odin has charged him with a quest to find the even-more-titular “son of the mask.” Unfortunately, there’s no Sarah Connor on the list; that would’ve been HILARIOUS! Or not.
Later, I do believe it’s time for another time-wasting musical bit and this time, it’s a “takin’ care of the baby” segment. Of course, this one has the added bonus of a sleep-deprived Tim nearly electrocuting his baby instead of giving him a bottle. I believe this is what they call foreshadowing. Next time, Tim’s chick wisely deals with the baby since – hopefully – this film is finished with the attempted murders. The next morning, Tim has an impromptu nervous breakdown when he learns that his wife is being called away to cheat on him . . . I mean “for business in New York City.” OK . . . hang on a sec. Unless this is one of those weird DC Comics-style lapses of geography, I’d say this is a major no-no as we’ve already been introduced to Edge City and Fringe City; this would mean there’s no place for the real-world locale of New York City. It’s hard to suspend disbelief when the movie grounds itself like that. And, even worse, if the chick wanted the baby so badly, why is she so enthusiastic to jet off to New York anyway? Yup . . . selfish bitch. Anyway, Tim, under pressure from both his family and his job, decides to work from home so that he can take care of the baby while doing his drawings. Of course, this would be a great idea if the baby didn’t immediately start screaming as soon as Tim’s wife leaves the front lawn. Methinks the near-electrocution was only the tip of the iceberg, sadly. Because child abuse is FUNNY!
And it may not be too far from the truth either as, in little time, Tim goes mad. It seems that his work wants more from him and it doesn’t help that, after a call from his chick, the baby starts talking . . . and its first words are merely variations on “mother.” I guess the emasculation is now complete. Elsewhere, Loki, in search of the title character – the “son of the mask,” not the mask – disguises himself as a door-to-door salesman. In his first encounter, he vacuums some random mother but discovers, much to his chagrin, that the baby is not the one he’s looking for. And the kid is not my son. Speaking of which, I was watching Michael Jackson’s video for “Beat It” and I realized that there’s something terribly strange going on in that little film. You see, throughout the video we’re treated to snippets of rather non-threatening – yet masculine – gang members preparing for a rumble. At the climactic rumble, everything comes to a head . . . until Michael Jackson shows up and all the gang members turn gay. Seriously. Other than in West Side Story, how many other gangland rumbles end in a dance number? Michael Jackson has some weird powers.
Anyway, it’s a good thing that Tim doesn’t know Michael Jackson, since he opts for the next best babysitter for his child: the television. And, interestingly enough, the baby’s first experience with the glowing screen is The Flintstones. OK . . . I know The Flintstones are supposed to be one of the greatest cartoons ever, but I never got it. It was just an animated rehash of The Honeymooners which was, honestly, much better. Anyway, the baby – unsurprisingly in these violent times – becomes obsessed with Bam-Bam, repeating that character’s famous catchphrase over and over . . . and there really is no payoff to it. Of course, when the next thing the baby sees is Looney Tunes, you know you’re going to have a problem later on. Meanwhile, outside, the dog dons the mask and turns into a weird, green-faced gremlin mongrel and then the dog watches the baby watching television. Yeah, that’s creepy. Even creepier: we learn, through helpfully animated thought balloons, that the baby wants Tim behind bars – probably for the attempted murder earlier in the film – and that the dog wants the baby dead out of jealousy. Why yes, this is a family film . . . why do you ask?
The next day, the baby, well schooled in classic cartoons at this point, begins singing and dancing like Michigan J. Frog; after the very frightening routine, the baby goes crazy and starts – literally – bouncing around the house. Tim really has to cut the kid’s sugar intake. That’s just not healthy. Meanwhile, Loki terrorizes an unsuspecting baby while dressed as a plumber. Yup. Back at Tim’s house, he cowers in fear as the baby THROWS A FAX MACHINE AT HIM! Whoa. And someone actually thought this was supposed to be funny? Babies throwing home electronics are never, ever funny. More like disconcerting. After lobbing the telecommunications device at his father, the baby then proceeds to beat Tim up . . . which leads to the dog and the baby engaging in a cartoon-inspired prank war against one another. Of course, it must be comical as there are animated blueprints to accompany the dog’s nefarious plans. Jay and Silent Bob would be proud.
Elsewhere, Loki, still searching for the baby, dresses as a Girl Scout . . . just because he can. Loki’s a bit deviant like that. At Tim’s, Tim looks on in horror as the baby watches . . . The Transformers! I’d say that’s apropos, though, as there certainly is more than meets the eye in this film. And that “more” is very, very disturbing, to say the least. Tim, at wit’s end due to the lunacy around him, finally goes catatonic once he sees the possessed dog stalking through the house. Honestly, I don’t blame him. The dog, now free of Tim’s interference, tries to KILL THE BABY; the baby, already quite cagey in his youth, foils the dog’s plan and the combined fury of their feud destroys the house. Later, once everything settles down, a remarkably unfazed Tim – he must have achieved a state of acceptance after falling unconscious – attempts to change his baby’s diaper. The baby, still not content to let his father be at this point, performs amazing feats of urination . . . all over his father. Wow. Just wow. And here I thought golden showers were relegated to only the most perverted of pornography; this is one ground-breaking mainstream movie! R. Kelly would be . . . well, you know.
Later, hopefully after Tim has washed and dried himself multiple times, Loki comes over . . . but the baby gives no sign of being conceived of the mask! Dum-dum-DUM! Tim, unfortunately, gets knocked out anyway and, after he comes to, he has another nervous breakdown. At this point, I think suicide is his only option left . . . and, by the way this movie’s going, I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually does it. Tim, harried to the point of complete and utter insanity, gets a call from work and hurriedly heads out with his baby by his side. Outside, Loki watches as, much to his amazement, the baby projectile vomits copious amounts of fluorescent green goop all over the interior of Tim’s car, confirming the baby’s true identity. Tim, finally, decides to take the baby to a pediatrician but, before he can get there, Loki corners him and explains just what’s been going on in this movie. Ah, some exposition. How nice is that? Loki, single-mindedly, requests the mask, but Tim doesn’t have it. Loki, not one for negotiation, throws a HAND GRENADE at Tim and the baby, but the baby forms its arms into a shield, saving him and Tim from certain immolation. Odin, watching from Asgard, possesses Tim and gives Loki a stern talking-to; he then uses his super godly powers to make Loki mortal. The baby, sensing that the advantage has turned to him, pummels Loki with two dumpsters and leaves him there in the alley, where he probably should be dead. Honestly, that is what “mortal” means, right?
After the scuffle with Loki, Tim heads into a pitch meeting at work carrying his baby and looking like a mental patient. Unsurprisingly, once there under the unflinching glare of executives and Steven Wright, Tim spaces out and gets himself fired because of it. Back at home, he gives his chick – who is heading back home – a call and has ANOTHER nervous breakdown over the phone. During Tim’s near-psychotic episode, he and his son finally bond . . . which means that the dog is jealous again and, yet again, it puts on the mask. Later that evening, Loki breaks into Tim’s house in search of the mask and/or the baby. First, before actually doing what he came to do, Loki writes on the walls like the brat he is and summons Odin. Crotchety Odin and Loki then have a tiff about the mask and the baby; it seems that Loki wants his powers back and Odin, impressed that Loki actually succeeded in summoning him, grants him one hour to do what needs to be done. Meanwhile, outside, a curious neighbor yells up to the baby’s window; Loki responds by turning her into a giant nose and then, of course – as per this movie’s particular idiom – the nose immediately sneezes a copious amount of mucus onto the ground. Wow . . . that was really unexpected.
Tim, for some reason, ends up once again face-to-face with Loki and they end up having a discussion regarding Loki’s divinity. Loki, being the trickster that he is, offers to trade the baby – which he is now holding hostage – for the mask . . . and then he takes off to parts unknown. Moments later, the chick comes home . . . and Tim attacks her! Well, at this point, what’s a little domestic violence anyway? Seriously, this might be one of those experiments in desensitizing the mind to violence or something. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas has got nothing on Son of the Mask. Tim, once he returns to his senses – and his chick elects not to report him to the proper authorities – tells his wife that the baby is missing . . . and she freaks out. Wow. Yet again: surprising. The chick, perhaps not quite believing everything is true, runs into the “nosy” neighbor and all is finally revealed. Which, in actuality, is nothing at all.
Tim and his chick, finally discerning that the dog has the mask, finds the dog romancing a bitch – which isn’t his wife – and Tim, somehow, reasons with the dog and the dog gives up the mask willingly. I guess in his insanity-clouded mind, Tim thought – rightly – that would work. Meanwhile, Loki and the baby hang out in an alley together and bond . . . first by having an Old West-style showdown(!) and then by playing a very elastic version of Twister. Eel O’Brian would be proud. Tim, sadly, arrives to spoil the pair’s fun and then, unsurprisingly, Loki tries to renege once Tim gives him the mask. Before Loki can foil Tim for good, the dog shows up to BITE LOKI IN THE GROIN! Ouch. Loki drops the mask and then, fearing more testicular mutilation, makes a hasty getaway.
Tim, desiring a bit of a pick-me-up in preparation for his final battle with Loki, dons the mask once more and then he, his dog, and his chick go in high-speed pursuit of the nefarious deity. Somehow, through a convoluted series of events, Tim and Loki end up in a boxing match against one another . . . and Tim’s first salvo is a tremendous fart in Loki’s face. That’s so mature. Seriously. With Loki now incapacitated, Tim locks him in a trunk and then throws him into a river. Loki, not content to follow Luca Brasi and sleep with the fishes, returns to the match as a giant pencil, which he uses to draw an advantage.
After some strategery, Tim and Loki end up in a standoff, so they take the clichéd cop-out and make the baby decide with whom he’ll go. At first, the baby heads toward Loki, but he changes his mind after Tim takes off the mask and apologizes to him . . . probably for nearly electrocuting him in the second act. The baby, finally, chooses to go with Tim and his chick and Loki, so moved by the scene, starts crying. Luckily, he composes himself enough to attack Tim with a giant hammer, nearly killing our hero . . . until his hour ends and he’s back to mortal again. Odin, frustrated with his son’s inability to succeed at anything – except for summoning him just a little while earlier – shows up to lecture Loki and banish him to . . . somewhere. Before that can happen, though, Tim intervenes and stops Odin; he then kindly gives Loki the mask as if nothing ever happened. There’s nothing like forgiving a deity for kidnapping your son and nearly killing you. That’s an impressive amount of forgiveness. While Odin and Loki make up in Asgard, Tim gets his job back and he learns that his chick is pregnant again. Yay?
You would think, after the few years I’ve been doing this column, that I wouldn’t be surprised by anything at this point. When it comes to Son of the Mask, how wrong you are! I have never, ever seen a film that is so permeated with the stink of “wrong” such as this one. It’s like the filmmakers took of every amoral, perverted, and sophomoric episode they could think of and stuffed them all into one movie. It’s rare to see a film – especially one intended to be a cartoony, fun film – that just feels icky. Son of the Mask isn’t just that . . . it’s ICKY. Yes, capitalization . . . it’s just that serious. Wow.
Join me next week as we study a – hopefully – better film which represents the low point in a fairly ignored late ‘70s/early ‘80s trilogy. If you can grow a killer mustache or get yourself a Trans Am between now and then, all the better. See you then!
