Misunderstood Masterpieces 4.14.09: Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine

Posted by Will Helm on 04.14.2009

...or, Vincent Price Does Comedy? Really?

For fans of horror films, no star shines brighter throughout the genre's history than Vincent Price. One of the true masters of the macabre, Price starred in scores of horror classics throughout his career, beginning formally with the 3-D classic House of Wax in 1953, even though he also starred in The Invisible Man Returns in 1940. From then on, Price made his name as the greatest American horror icon of his generation, if not of all time, rivaled only perhaps by Hungary's Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff, who hailed from Great Britain. Though Price would end his horror career with 1974's Madhouse, his status as a legend of the genre had already been set in stone.

Even though Price was well known as a master of fright flicks, it is often forgotten that he did stretch his inimitable talents into other genres as well. Although Price shined in the noir classic Laura, from 1944, it is often forgotten that he got his start in comedy, specifically the 1938 madcap romance Service de Luxe. Though many of his later horror films did mix in healthy doses of humor, with The Raven and A Comedy of Terrors as prime examples, very often Price would plunge fully into the genre of comedy, often guest starring in American International Pictures' – the production company for many of Price's most famous works – other successful genre: the beach picture.

Built largely on the shoulders of teen idol Frankie Avalon and former Mouseketeer Annette Funicello, AIP's beach pictures featured wacky comedy, G-rated sexual hijinks, and lots of dancing in swimsuits, which surely appealed to young, nubile teens of the era. To his credit, Price guest starred in the debut film of the series, 1963's Beach Party, as the mysterious "Big Daddy." Two years later, Price would re-unite with Avalon and, this time, he was a featured role, as the titular – and villainous – Dr. Goldfoot in Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine, which is probably the best title for a film this side of Let's Scare Jessica to Death. Of course, it's well known that a film can't be judged by its title, so is Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine just a great name for a film, or is it a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!

Even though it would become legendary in the '80s, the film begins, surprisingly, with a credit sequence imbued with the awesomeness that is Claymation! In addition, the opening credits are also accompanied by some familiar sounding chick pop and they proclaim the presence of "Special Guest Star Fred Clark"! Oh yes! Fred Clark! Wait . . . who the hell is Fred Clark? Honestly, I have no clue, other than the fact that he's the "Special Guest Star." Good for him. Then, out of nowhere, the credits decide to blow this pop stand and hurtle down San Francisco's famous Lombard Street, before ending in a mysterious railway tunnel.

Finally, the movie begins in earnest, suspiciously stating that it's actually "the day after tomorrow." Dr. Goldfoot, are you messing with the space-time continuum? After this strange statement, the film, even though it's already obviously set in San Francisco thanks to the impromptu trip down Lombard Street, provides even more establishing shots of the city and now I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually watching a travel documentary about that fair city, rather than a wacky comedy. However, interspersed with the establishing shots – killing time since the beginning of cinema! – are scenes of a HOT CHICK in a trenchcoat (Susan Hart) strolling the streets of San Francisco. Sadly, Karl Malden is nowhere to be found.

The HOT CHICK's jaunt is rudely interrupted when some guy hits her with a car; remarkably, the car takes more damage than the HOT CHICK, as she's completely unfazed by the accident. Moments later, the HOT CHICK foils a bank robbery and gets shot for her efforts, but to no ill effect. I wonder if she knows John Matrix. Meanwhile, harried nincompoop Craig Gamble (Avalon) treats a cranky date to dinner at a local cafeteria. Craig's date objects to his frugal ways, emphasizing her point by bonking him with a tray and then running off. In her stead, the HOT CHICK shows up to drink milk – which hilariously leaks out of her like she's a cartoon character – and steal Craig's cheese sandwich. Craig, now single, lets the HOT CHICK pilfer his meal, mainly because she's a HOT CHICK . . . with an annoying fake Southern accent. Somehow, this causes Craig to reveal that he's actually a spy, which must turn the HOT CHICK on, as she makes out with Craig a bit and then proposes that they get a little frisky back at his place.

Once at Craig's humble abode, the HOT CHICK strips off her coat to reveal a gold bikini underneath, much to Craig's surprise. Suspiciously, Craig chooses that moment to think that maybe the HOT CHICK is moving a little too fast; she responds by tackling her reluctant lover. Meanwhile, elsewhere, titular villain – and apparent voyeur – Dr. Goldfoot (Price) watches the goings-on on a TV screen alongside his hapless undead assistant Igor (Jack Mullaney). Dr. Goldfoot, like any tyrannical boss, yells at Igor because Igor sent the HOT CHICK to the wrong man, as Craig apparently wasn't the HOT CHICK's quarry. Dr. Goldfoot corrects the situation by causing the HOT CHICK to have a stroke, after which she becomes French and dumps Craig, who's then eaten by a Murphy bed.

Later, Dr. Goldfoot and Igor spy on prettyboy Dobie Gillis (Dwayne Hickman) and send their HOT CHICK after him, as he is her true quarry. Dr. Goldfoot, just because he's a little wild like that, has a horde of bikini-clad HOT CHICKS watch as the HOT CHICK does her thing as per her own particular idiom, in this case sabotaging a car and then distracting Dobie so that he crashes into a lamppost. Remarkably, Dobie survives the altercation, so the HOT CHICK rushes over to seduce him, this time with a bad Mae West impression. Oh no. Not two weeks in a row. Much to her credit, the HOT CHICK's mimicry of Mae West wins over Dobie and he makes out with her . . . while an incredulous cop watches. OK, that's a bit creepy, especially because the cop is also a sarcastic douchebag who tickets Dobie for nothing in particular.

Back at the lab, Dr. Goldfoot gives his bikini army another lesson and then shows them how to use poisoned binoculars to kill rival HOT CHICKS on their missions. Dum-dum-DUM! After the lessons conclude, Dr. Goldfoot programs his bikini-clad HOT CHICKS, but they start dancing instead, much to Dr. Goldfoot's chagrin. Oh, don't be such a square, doc. Elsewhere, Craig calls all over town in search of the HOT CHICK, until his boss – and uncle (Fred Clark . . . even though I still don't really know who Fred Clark is) – interrupts the proceedings. Craig responds by nearly killing his uncle – accidentally – so Craig's uncle infers that Craig is responsible for all the world's problems because he's an awful spy. Meanwhile, I have to wonder just how a guy like Craig became a spy at all.

That evening, at the world famous Condor Club, a band performs while the HOT CHICK gets Dobie blitzed. From the bar, Dr. Goldfoot and Igor watch, continuing their voyeuristic ways, until the HOT CHICK almost rats them out. Dr. Goldfoot responds by quickly giving the HOT CHICK another stroke, after which she tries to guilt trip Dobie into marrying her, just so that he can tap it. After Dobie takes the bait, Igor is so worked up by the sexual tension that he molests some woman in the audience and rips off her underwear . . . under the pretense of looking for a rogue ice cube.

Sometime later, much to his amazement, Craig finds out – through the help of a conveniently placed magazine cover – that Dobie and the HOT CHICK are married, which sadly crushes his dreams of getting with the HOT CHICK. Back at the lab, Dr. Goldfoot sends off a trio of HOT CHICKS to marry some hapless patsies. Igor even gets in on the fun, but all his work merely results in a brutish chick, rather than a bikini-clad HOT CHICK. Dr. Goldfoot, unhappy with Igor's handiwork, has the brutish chick pummel Igor, just because.

The next morning, the HOT CHICK wakes up to find Dobie stewing in an adjacent bed at his ex-bachelor pad. It seems that he's a little miffed that, even though he's now married to the HOT CHICK, he didn't get a chance to tap it the night before. The HOT CHICK, proving why prenuptial agreements exist, responds by telling Dobie that if he signs over some of his precious stock certificates to her, then she'll let him get some. Dobie, foolishly, does just that and the HOT CHICK repays him by running off to go shopping with her newly garnered wealth.

Down on the streets of San Francisco, where neither Karl Malden nor Michael Douglas can be found, Craig laments his situation with the ladies until he finds the HOT CHICK sauntering down the street. Craig, amazed at his change of fortune, stops to confront the HOT CHICK, but she blows him off while using a bizarre British accent. Craig, unmoved by the HOT CHICK's strange ruse, attempts to kidnap her, but Dr. Goldfoot, who just happened to be in the area surveying the HOT CHICK's progress, hops out to fend off Craig's unwanted advances. A melee ensues, the result of which is that Craig ends up with one of the HOT CHICK's hands; meanwhile, Dr. Goldfoot, with a rescued HOT CHICK, scolds her for forgetting to get Dobie's power-of-attorney as well as his stocks, so he sentences her to TORTURE!

Craig, amazed that he has partially dismembered the woman he's madly infatuated with, calls his uncle – the mysterious Fred Clark – with some exposition. Craig's uncle totally ignores his nephew's concerns, mainly because his boss calls next, stating that he'll be coming to San Francisco to check on the department! That evening, Craig visits Goldfoot Cemetery – which is a really strange name for a cemetery – in search of the HOT CHICK, because that's the first place I would think to look. After a few moments of generic espionage, Craig breaks into the funeral home and watches in amazement as Igor disappears into a coffin. Craig then follows and slides into the bowels of the compound, where he watches the HOT CHICK army wander around the premises. In addition, Craig also sees the creation of another HOT CHICK from Dr. Goldfoot's Easy-Bake Oven of HOT CHICKS. Then, Dr. Goldfoot shows off another of his creations, a lipstick ray gun, before ending the HOT CHICK's torture, which Craig did nothing to stop, even though he was so recently smitten with this "woman." Craig, evidently troubled by his sexual frustration, beats up Igor and then jumps out a window into the cold, cold night.

Once again, Craig runs off to tell his uncle about Dr. Goldfoot's strange goings-on, but this time he finds his uncle talking to their "boss" . . . who is actually Igor dressed as Sherlock Holmes. So, evidently, an American spy syndicate is run by either a zombie or a long-dead British investigator and heroin addict. Later, Dobie mopes at his ex-bachelor pad, but Craig drops by to have a little chat about the HOT CHICK, as she's not what Dobie thinks she is . . . specifically, human. Dobie does a spit take at the news and is, predictably, suspicious of Craig's claims, until Craig pulls out the HOT CHICK's severed hand as proof! Dum-dum-DUM! Somehow, this startling revelation causes Craig and Dobie to bond and they plot against the HOT CHICK while getting hammered together.

Sometime later, the HOT CHICK returns home and Craig hides in the walls to keep an eye on Dobie and the HOT CHICK and make sure there's no funny business. Although maybe it's also to see the HOT CHICK get changed into some lingerie, which causes Dobie's champagne cork to go off a little early. Ah, there's nothing better than premature ejaculation humor. Dobie and the HOT CHICK, who probably knows well enough that it happens every once in a while and he'll be back to form in a little bit, then make out and Dobie, perhaps still embarrassed by his inability to perform, signs over the power-of-attorney anyway. Dr. Goldfoot, watching as he always does, has the HOT CHICK return immediately to the lab – rather than give into Dobie's lustful wonts – and Igor celebrates by showing off a goofy invention that beats up Dr. Goldfoot, accidentally.

The next morning, Dobie and Craig wake up with hangovers and Craig isn't pleased that Dobie signed over power-of-attorney anyway. Dobie, however, outsmarted everyone by signing Craig's name to the document and not his own, making it totally and utterly worthless. Dr. Goldfoot, evidently, is not pleased with this fact, as he makes the HOT CHICK scrub his floors – which is apparently worse than torture in the world of this film – while a brute – who was nowhere to be seen before – shocks her with a cattleprod. Scott Hall would be proud.

Sometime later, Dobie and Craig "accidentally" knock Craig's uncle out a window, but they rescue him anyway, so it's all in good fun. Dobie and Craig then provide some much needed exposition for Craig's uncle and, to punctuate their tale, they produce the HOT CHICK's hand as evidence, which makes Craig's uncle go catatonic. Back at the lab, Igor does wacky things, so Dr. Goldfoot gives his assistant a black eye . . . with ink. That night, Dobie and Craig go to the cemetery and, once there, they fail miserably at sneaking around, so Dr. Goldfoot has them drop in unceremoniously. Dr. Goldfoot even makes that pun, much to my delight.

With Dobie and Craig stunned by their short drop, Dr. Goldfoot easily captures them and then, like any good villain, he shows off his advanced – yet sinister – technology before inviting Dobie and Craig to dinner, along with the HOT CHICK. Over dinner, Dr. Goldfoot shackles Dobie and Craig to the floor, perhaps because he wants to force them to listen to him bragging about his fruit. Then, just because he can, Dr. Goldfoot makes the HOT CHICK speak Japanese before attempting to poison Craig and Dobie, who are, surprisingly, onto Dr. Goldfoot's murderous ways. Dr. Goldfoot, unhappy that the heroes would waste perfectly good poison like that, has Dobie and Craig unshackled so that he can give them a tour of his compound, complete with paintings of former Vincent Price roles. I guess Dr. Goldfoot's a big fan.

The tour then continues to Dr. Goldfoot's dungeon, where Dr. Goldfoot threatens Dobie and Craig with a laser before revealing that he has Annette Funicello and Eric Von Zipper (Harvey Lembeck) held captive. After this shocking revelation, Dr. Goldfoot locks up Craig and shackles Dobie to the wall so that he can threaten the young prettyboy with torture . . . which pretty much involves Igor doing prop comedy. Yeah, I'd say that's torture all right. I'm sure prop comedy violates the Geneva Conventions. Dr. Goldfoot, perhaps aware of this and not wanting any international incidents, has to step in an rescue Igor when his routine goes awry. Dr. Goldfoot then has to settle for strapping Dobie to the set of The Pit and the Pendulum and recreating the film's titular encounter.

Meanwhile, Craig, finally matching wits with someone of lesser intelligence, locks up Igor through a convoluted series of events. Craig then knocks Dr. Goldfoot down into a chasm and rescues Dobie. While Igor remains trapped in a jail cell, Dr. Goldfoot freaks out and has his bikini army attempt to kill Craig and Dobie. While Dr. Goldfoot wastes time freeing Igor from his bonds, Dobie and Craig steal Dr. Goldfoot's car to escape the cemetery, leaving Dr. Goldfoot and Igor to give chase in a motorcycle in front of a green-screen. Dr. Goldfoot, ever a source of villainous treachery, blows up his own car, forcing Dobie and Craig to steal a nearby roadster, which they use to hurtle down Lombard Street in a scene that looks remarkably familiar, as if I had seen it during the opening credits. After an interminable amount of chasing, Dr. Goldfoot and Igor eventually crash into a streetcar but, somehow, Dr. Goldfoot still has the wherewithal to blow up Dobie and Craig's roadster, even though that makes no sense within the logic of the film.

The heroes, once again without a conveyance, hitch a ride on a streetcar and then Dr. Goldfoot and Igor pursue in another streetcar. With their streetcar not providing the proper amount of speed, Dobie and Craig hijack a moped, while Dr. Goldfoot and Igor remain in their streetcar, which they take off the track and onto the Golden Gate Bridge in hot pursuit of the good guys! Eventually, Dobie and Craig end up in a boat – on land – and make their escape, mainly because Igor blows up the streetcar he and Dr. Goldfoot are riding in with a grenade. Yes, it's another convoluted series of events. Dr. Goldfoot and Igor, still remarkably unharmed, steal a Jeep with which to chase Dobie and Craig, but the heroes outsmart the villains one last time, which leads to Dr. Goldfoot and Igor driving off a cliff and then the U.S. Navy blows them up on a beach. As a denouement, Craig and Dobie grab a flight to Paris but, on the flight, they find that the HOT CHICK is now an Austrian stewardess who's with Craig's uncle and Dr. Goldfoot and Igor are the flight's pilots! Dum-dum-DUM! Before any more plot can kick in, the closing credits – accompanied once again by the title theme (sung by The Supremes, of all groups) and, this time, some dancing bikini girls – puts an end to the fun. I'm upset.

Even though Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine won't change the world with it's plot or performances, I can't rightly say that it's bad. Like the beach movies before it, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine is merely mindless entertainment and it is relatively entertaining. A little bit dated, yes – especially the later references to the other beach movies and Vincent Price performances, but it's still fun. From Frankie Avalon's wacky slapstick to Vincent Price's campy, over-the-top acting – at times he seems almost like a cartoon character, which isn't necessarily a criticism considering the film, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine feels like a good time and that shows through in the final film. Though certainly not the greatest film ever made, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine is far from the worst and, therefore, a certifiable Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as Frankie and Annette return to the place that made them famous, with their kids. Ah, yes, it's the excitement of a family vacation! See you then!
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