Misunderstood Masterpieces: Dungeons & Dragons

Posted by Will Helm on 11.22.2005

…or, This Movie Is +2 Vs. Logic and +5 Vs. Quality

In 1974, a game was released in the United States that would become one of the most welcome and archetypical additions to the “dork” pantheon: Dungeons & Dragons. Created by Gary Gygax and Dave Arneseon and published by Tactical Studies Rules (TSR), Dungeons & Dragons gave lonely, overly intelligent youths the opportunity to role-play as a murderous dwarf rogue or a whimsical halfling sorcerer without being arrested or committed. While some teens (and older) were finding community and friendship through their alter egos, others weren’t so content. You see, after becoming ubiquitous in gifted-class circles, certain critics attributed suicides, witchcraft, and other such nasties to the game . . . leading to the wholly awful made-for-television exposé Mazes and Monsters – which, oddly enough, starred a very young Tom Hanks. In more recent years, Dungeons & Dragons – now in its “3.5” edition – exists more famously as a license for video game than a role-playing game. Of course, even though the game’s ubiquity has seemingly worn off, that doesn’t mean that someone wouldn’t make a movie of it. Oh no. Oh dear no.

You see, in 2000, Dungeons & Dragons was released to American theaters . . . and it was a total bomb. Of course, had the American public known that director Courtney Solomon bought the rights years before, at age nineteen, and cobbled together meager financing over the next decade to make the film, pouring his heart and soul into the project, they probably still wouldn’t have cared. Featuring a bevy of character actors bolstered by the acting prowess of Jeremy Irons and – at the time – red-hot wunderkind Thora Birch, Dungeons & Dragons takes the beloved properties of TSR (and now Wizards of the Coast) and totally demeans the identity of every player ever. Seriously. Don’t believe me? Read on!

Because this film is from the fantasy/sci-fi genre, we begin with the traditional and ever-present authoritative expository monologue. Yay. Somewhere in fantasy-land, the folks who use magic are powerful and the young empress is a nice girl. Oooh . . . that must mean she’s ugly. It’s like whenever someone says a girl has a “pretty face” it means she’s a whale. Silly euphemisms. After descriptor-guy gets done his little speech, the camera flies quickly over to medieval CGI London . . . or, at least, a reasonable facsimile thereof. In one of the dank castles, some hooded guy dips a giant ladle into a pool of water for no discernable reason. I wonder if he asked the director what his “motivation” is for this scene. While weird, archaic machinery whirrs in the background, Jeremy Irons speaks in tongues and turns on some goofy gadget. After the gadget finishes its seeming spin cycle, a rod laden with kryptonite appears! I bet it’s +3 vs. Superman. Just a hunch.

Perhaps my hunch is wrong, however, as Jeremy Irons’ blue lipstick-wearing henchman (Bruce Payne, last seen in Switch) smirks and releases a dragon they had hiding in a garage. Or at least whatever the medieval dragon-keeping equivalent is. Jeremy Irons uses the kryptonite rod to tame the dragon for a bit but the dragon, not content with being Jeremy Irons’ unwilling supplicant, gives the rod a dirty look and burns it out. Now with a rampant dragon loose in his laboratory, Jeremy Irons and his underlings freak out, until someone pulls the switch for the garage door, effectively crushing the dragon. Hmm . . . where have I seen that before? I promise not to cause any rancor about it, though. Anyway, the dragon, impaled by the convenient spikes on the bottom of the garage door, bleeds into the pools of water in the laboratory, setting them alight . . . and the river outside the castle as well!

Meanwhile, outside the castle, the commoners congregate and gawk at the flaming river; during the tumult, two of their number – lighthearted rogues Ridley (Justin Whalin) and Snails (Marlon Wayans, playing the same damned minstrel-inspired character he plays in every movie) – argue about the socio-economics of the city-state for no particular reason. Somehow, their station as unhappy members of the proletariat leads them to consider a life of crime, specifically a plan to burglarize the local “magic school.” Watch out, Hogwarts! Meanwhile, at a convention of the city’s magic council, Jeremy Irons and some guy argue about the rule of the city’s sweetheart empress. Jeremy Irons, overacting enough so that we REALLY know he’s evil, wants the empress forced out of office; the other old guys of the magic council mumble under their breath at the notion.

Elsewhere, in another CGI castle, Empress Thora Birch whines about something to her personal advisor. Amidala she ain’t. Simultaneously, Jeremy Irons, through an impish little creature, spies on Empress Thora venting her misgivings; the blue-lipped henchman – who’s name (Damodar) sounds too much like “Dammitall” to take him seriously . . . blue lipstick excepted – wants to help, so Jeremy Irons tells him to kill the advisor for no particular reason. See . . . Jeremy Irons is evil, therefore he does things like that. Why ask why? Back at the “magic school,” Ridley and Snails bumble their way into what seems to be the institution’s “dragon museum” room. OK, there are the dragons . . . I can’t wait for the dungeons! Meanwhile, in an adjacent room, the crotchety advisor yells at his nerdy HOT CHICK librarian (Zoe McLellan) and then he throws magic dust on an old map and it blows up for no discernable reason.

While the advisor and HOT CHICK librarian try to figure out the secret of the map, Ridley and Snails – what kind of name is “Snails” anyway? – jokingly throw stuff at each other – because that’s always the wisest thing to do in a “magic school” – until Snails accidentally sets off a dragon-in-the-box, alerting the advisor and the HOT CHICK librarian to the thieves’ presence. The advisor, since he’s old, sends the HOT CHICK librarian to investigate and she finds – and magically binds – Ridley and Snails while she and Ridley trade witty banter. Oh, it’s like a medieval screwball comedy. While Ridley and the HOT CHICK librarian set up a romantic relationship later on in the movie – we all know it’s coming – the blue-lipped guy appears in the next room and he kills the advisor. The HOT CHICK librarian, with Ridley and Snails in tow, grabs the mysterious map and flees through a portal, on the other side of which they wake up an angry bald guy (Lee Arenberg) who helps to fend off the blue-lipped guy and his troops while our trio of heroes escapes to the local sewers.

The next day, Ridley, Snails, and the HOT CHICK librarian – all remarkably clean for being in the sewers the night before – argue about their fugitive status . . . and then the HOT CHICK librarian runs out from their hiding place without putting her hood up. Wow . . . she’s being REALLY inconspicuous. Meanwhile, in the initial castle, Jeremy Irons yells at the blue-lipped guy for being a blue-lipped failure. As a bit of revenge, Jeremy Irons casts a weird spell on the blue-lipped guy, which makes freaky tentacles come out of the guy’s ears. Well, of all the places they could exit, that’s not so bad. That evening, in a local tavern, badly crafted latex rubber creatures tussle and cavort while our heroes chat and the bald guy from earlier – who, as it turns out, is a remarkably tall dwarf named Elwood – eats ravenously. Ridley, Snails, and the HOT CHICK librarian, while Elwood stuffs his face, pick up where they left off earlier and argue for no reason other than to kill time. Somehow, Ridley – believe it or not – turns on the map and he and the HOT CHICK librarian end up magically sucked into the map. Dum-dum-DUM!

While the blue-lipped guy stalks sinisterly outside the establishment, Elwood tells Snails a story – I think it might have been something about his brother and a “mission from God” – until Snails is distracted by the presence of a HOT CHICK elf (Kristen Wilson) at the bar. Snails, a very rude associate to Elwood, leaves him behind to make some time with the elf, who, it seems, wants him very badly for undiscovered reasons. Before they can consummate some interspecies love, the blue-lipped guy busts in to break up the party. Elwood, quick thinking dwarf that he is, stuffs the magical map into his pants – and, therefore, Ridley and the HOT CHICK librarian are in his pants too . . . I guess that’s a mystical threesome in that universe – and then he starts a bar fight during which he and Snails escape.

Later, after the chaos subsides, Snails somehow pulls Ridley and the HOT CHICK librarian out of the map. And just what were they doing while they were there? Well, it seems that – in lieu of getting it on – they were learning about just what is supposed to be going on in this movie, which has seemingly been meandering for the first half-hour or so. Thank you, magical map! Apparently, during their time in the map, Ridley and the HOT CHICK librarian discovered that somewhere in this land there is a magical rod which controls dragons. In order to claim the rod, the heroes must travel to Atlantic City(?) because Ridley, somehow, unwisely took on the quest of finding this mystical relic. Snails, playing the part of the minstrel-inspired comic relief, freaks out, but Ridley calms his nerves with the promise of a giant ruby. Elwood, since he has nothing to do, decides to come along after being promised some payment as well. The HOT CHICK elf, meanwhile, watches from the periphery for heretofore undisclosed reasons.

A day or two later, in some random city – which I guess is “Atlantic City” – Snails steals some stuff at a local bazaar while Ridley follows some purple guy through the streets. Elwood, meanwhile, somewhat vindictively prevents the HOT CHICK librarian from shopping – how stereotypical!; elsewhere, the purple guy scolds Snails and Ridley for tailing him for no particular reason. Then, without learning their lesson, all of the heroes follow the purple guy and his green-skinned accomplice . . . and they get captured by a bevy of thieves. The thieves, members of the local union, bring the heroes to their guildmaster, Riff Raff (Richard O’Brien). Riff Raff, studded with luxuries, asks insincerely about mage-town and then he insinuates that the HOT CHICK librarian is, indeed, hot. Anyway, after the pleasantries subside, Ridley’s quest continues on as Riff Raff gives our oft-bewildered hero his next objective: he has to brave the guild’s signature maze – because, it seems, every guild has their own maze, which is a nice plot contrivance – and claim the ancient relic at the center.

Of course, without any preparation in the interim, Ridley is then – after a change of clothes – cast into the maze where he rides a swinging blade like a circus acrobat. Ah . . . there’s nothing like basing an action sequence on something you’d find in a point-and-click adventure game. After braving the sharpened pendulums – no pits to be found, though – Ridley enters the next room: the flaming eye room! Paul Lynde is watching you! Oh . . . wrong kind of flaming eye, as these sculpted eyes belch forth jets of flame with no apparent venting system. I guess if the fire doesn’t kill you, the carbon monoxide will. Anyway, after some careful deliberation, Ridley slowly makes his way through the room . . . and then he just seemingly gets tired of taking his time and runs through without getting singed. Well that was . . . anticlimactic. In the next vestibule, all hell breaks loose until Ridley smashes an hourglass on the wall and claims the jewel at the center of the maze. Wow . . . so brute strength wins the day yet again. How inspiring.

After Ridley returns to the guildroom proper and much celebration, Riff Raff confronts him and claims the gem for himself. Before he can steal it off our bumbling hero, the blue-lipped guy shows up to spoil the party. Riff Raff, not liking guests to come in uninvited, freaks out; meanwhile, Ridley, maybe because he thought it’d make a cool statement, sets the magical map on fire and then tells the blue-lipped guy to back off. Ridley, with his associates by his side, makes his way through the blue-lipped guy’s troops – after he extinguished the map’s flame, though . . . which really dampened his bargaining strength – until Riff Raff’s goons jump into the fray and another brawl breaks out. Once more in the tumult, the blue-lipped guy, finally gaining the upper hand, grabs the map and – because to the victor go the spoils – the HOT CHICK librarian. It’s good to be the blue-lipped guy.

Somehow, Ridley, Snails, and Elwood end up in the woods, where the HOT CHICK elf shows up to arrest them for no particular reason. Ridley, just to confuse the situation, rats out the blue-lipped guy, who, it seems, was once in cahoots with the elf. The HOT CHICK elf, spurned by this shocking turn of events – well, shocking for them, at least – calls Empress Thora on her magical cell phone. Meanwhile, blue-lipped guy, back in Jeremy Irons’ castle, visits with the HOT CHICK librarian in the prison. The blue-lipped guy, master interrogator, wants to know why the HOT CHICK librarian and her accomplices were hanging out with Riff Raff and his riffraff. While some guy yells in the background – he must be watching the movie – blue-lipped guy and the HOT CHICK librarian bicker. After a bit of this, for no particular reason, the blue-lipped guy pathetically asks the HOT CHICK librarian for help and then his ear tentacles pop out and attach themselves to her ears and start sucking out her brains! Or, at least, her thoughts, as the blue-lipped guy learns all of the backstory we’ve seen so far. Thanks, ear tentacles!

Meanwhile, everyone else – including the HOT CHICK elf – is in the forest. The HOT CHICK elf, since she’s an elf, bends down to sniff the dirt and somehow deduces that the blue-lipped guy and his troops went by way of the valley and through the woods . . . to grandmother’s house, probably. Yes, I’m ashamed of that joke too. Or, at it is readily apparent, not grandmother’s house, but yet another castle, which Ridley and Snails unceremoniously break into. I’m getting a serious “lather, rinse, repeat” vibe here. Inside the walls of the castle, Ridley and Snails stumble into a Renaissance Faire, which they break up by waking up a sleeping beholder (a.k.a. badly CGI-rendered globe with multiple eyes). Ridley, since he’s the white guy, sends Snails off to find the map while he rescues the HOT CHICK librarian. Snails, without questioning Ridley’s possible racial superiority, sneaks into the blue-lipped guy’s room and finds his armor sitting on a hanger. Oh no! Blue-lipped guy might be naked! I don’t want to find out if anything else on him is blue, either. Ugh! Snails carefully makes his way around the room until he finds the map and then, in a fit of stupidity, he falls into a pit of OATMEAL! The blue-lipped guy is in league with Quaker Oats! That goofy-hat-wearing bastard.

In a different, dingier part of the castle, Ridley finds the HOT CHICK librarian cowering in her cell. Back upstairs, Snails, still covered in maple-brown sugar oatmeal, tussles with the blue-lipped guy. Downstairs, Ridley, triumphant rescuing hero, is attacked by a refugee from an Irish punk band wearing armor. It’s like the love child of The Dropkick Murphys and GWAR. Snails, thinking quickly, slashes the blue-lipped guy across the throat to escape, but the blue-lipped guy quickly forgets about the wound – as well as the makeup artist – and corners Snails in . . . a corner. Yup. Blue-lipped guy, not happy with the fact that he may have bled his own blood – remember, everyone forgot about the wound – channels the spirit of the early ‘90s LAPD and beats Snails to a pulp. Ridley, now with nothing in particular to do, runs into the room in time to see Snails throw him the magic map and then be melodramatically stabbed and thrown off a roof by the blue-lipped guy. Oh . . . why did the black man have to die? Ridley, having seen his bestest buddy in the whole wide world unmercifully killed, emotes a little too much, so the blue-lipped guy stabs him in the shoulder. Before the blue-lipped guy can end his – and our – misery, the HOT CHICK librarian swoops in to rescue Ridley from the scene. Snails: still dead.

Back in the magic council room, a mage with a New York accent questions Empress Thora. Meanwhile, Jeremy Irons, on the floor with the empress, is all uppity over her recalcitrance toward his colleagues. Empress Thora – looking like she doesn’t want to be there . . . story-wise and in real life – slowly enunciates exposition to the wizards and the viewers. Jeremy Irons, on the other hand, acts like he’s performing Shakespearean dinner theater, perhaps to counteract Empress Thora’s overwhelming power of apathy. While Jeremy Irons gesticulates and loudly expounds his position on the empress, the rest of the council mumbles to itself, perhaps thinking that he’s going to follow this up with Shylock’s soliloquy from The Merchant of Venice. I hear the magic council loves it when he does that. Empress Thora, looking bored out of her wits, monotonously states her case to the magic council; Jeremy Irons, perhaps put out by her lack of melodrama, scolds her like she’s a petulant puppy. Empress Thora, perhaps wanting to post “artistic” pictures of various parts of her body on her MySpace page rather than meet with these old guys, states that she’s “not afraid” of them and then she leaves. Jeremy Irons, believing that he won the battle of theatrical prowess, sarcastically applauds her performance; the magic council, meanwhile, mumbles – it’s really the only thing they’re good for, it seems – at the display of bravado.

Elsewhere, the HOT CHICK elf brings the HOT CHICK librarian, Elwood, and the mortally wounded Ridley to Elf-Land. Once there, some old hippie elf heals Ridley’s wounds; I bet you thought we were through with him and, by relation, the movie as well. Silly readers; you can’t get out of this that easy. Just be consoled in the fact that I’m suffering with you. Ridley, for reasons unexplained to us, just says that he had a weird dream – I think Miracle Max called it being “mostly dead” – while the old elf guy explains stuff to get us all up to speed with the plot. Thanks you dirty hippie elf! You’re like a pointy-eared Yoda! Oh . . . wait.

Later, Ridley is distraught, either by the fact that his longtime companion Snails is deceased or by the fact that he may never work in motion pictures again. Or both. Perhaps it is the second choice, as Ridley spurns the HOT CHICK librarian’s offers of consolation. See . . . that usually always works in other movies, especially if there’s a saxophone playing in the background. For some reason – Ridley may still be delirious from the hippie elf’s “magic” – Ridley complains about politics and then he yells at the HOT CHICK librarian. Dude . . . don’t take your resentment of the film business out on her. You accepted this part, remember? Bravely, the HOT CHICK librarian screams back – good for her, says I – and, in the process, explains more about the plot, just in case we, the viewers, were lagging behind. Supposedly, in her partially sucked-out brain, the whole quest they’ve been on is for some sort of ideal and blah, blah, blah. Sigh. Damned upper-class bleeding heart liberals. It’s that academic elite, I tells ya. For some reason, Ridley is impressed with her spiel, so, of course, they make out. Sure he respects her now, but will he call her in the morning?

Evidently he will, as, after some creepy gnomes give Ridley a sword, the HOT CHICK librarian is by his side and – surprisingly – all sexed up. Maybe to keep the Freudian imagery in the film intact, Ridley and his crew begin to enter a dark, dank tunnel; unfortunately for Elwood, the HOT CHICK elf, and the HOT CHICK librarian, only Ridley can continue on due to a character-specific plot device – I mean “force field” – prohibiting the others from entering. After Ridley continues on for a bit, he then falls and slides down a green-lit tunnel to a door with a dragon carved onto its façade. Ooh . . . how atmospheric! Ridley, remembering back a bit in the film, takes the gem from the thieves’ maze and shoves it into the dragon’s eye; the gem – but not the other eye – glows and then the door opens! Too bad there’s no “The Legend of Zelda”-style “secret room” music to accompany the scene. Inside the room, Ridley finds a bevy of treasure and then he wakes up a skeleton. The skeleton, helpfully expository, has the rod that Ridley’s been chasing after the entire movie and a few helpful warnings to go with it. I guess it’s covered by Underwriters’ Laboratories.

Back in the city, some dragons attack Jeremy Irons’ tower for no particular reason. Oh wait, there is a reason: Empress Thora summoned them to do it. So does that mean she’s evil now? I thought she was a sweetheart. Elsewhere, Ridley comes out of the tunnel to find, unfortunately, that the blue-lipped guy is there and he has the HOT CHICK librarian – and Elwood and the HOT CHICK elf – in his bad-makeup-wearing clutches. Ridley, perhaps not thinking about the implications of his actions, puts his little head in front of his big head and trades the skeleton’s magic rod for the HOT CHICK librarian; of course, since Ridley is good and, therefore, inherently stupid, he falls into a double-cross. Luckily for him, Elwood and the HOT CHICK elf are skillful enough to bail him out of certain doom at the hands of the blue-lipped guy’s troops. The blue-lipped guy, wisely ignoring the melee before him, casually and calmly walks away and into a portal; Ridley, perhaps unwisely, follows along into the same portal. You’d think these folks would be a little more careful with who gets through these things . . . unless, of course, they’re just another wonderful contrivance to hasten the plot. In that case, thank you irresponsible portal conjurors of the world!

Back at Jeremy Irons’ tower, the blue-lipped guy gives his boss the magic stick – 50 Cent would be proud – while Empress Thora rides a dragon and looks very bored while doing so. I hope she doesn’t have that terrible hipster detachment that plagues so many of today’s youth. Jeremy Irons, now emboldened by the power of his phallic symbol . . . I mean “magic rod,” summons some other dragons to take on Empress Thora’s dragons. Meanwhile, Ridley FINALLY arrives – I guess he took the long way through the magic portal – and fights the blue-lipped guy . . . which culminates in the blue-lipped guy getting stabbed and thrown off the tower. Wow . . . just like Snails. Who’s still dead. Jeremy Irons, unconcerned about the death of his main henchman, yells triumphantly until Ridley tackles him. What a downer that guy is. Can’t you just let a man celebrate?

Jeremy Irons, quickly recovering from Ridley’s underwhelming assault, gets up and impersonates a pirate while fighting off Ridley with a big stick. Ooh . . . multitasking. Of course, just because no one asked for it, the other heroes show up to help save the day . . . or not, as Jeremy Irons fights them off too. Ha! That’ll teach them for arriving uninvited. Somehow, though, in the fracas, Ridley ends up with the magic stick and, instead of using it against Jeremy Irons, he busts it! Dum-dum-DUM! Empress Thora, now seizing her advantage, drops by to gloat over Jeremy Irons, but he merely summons a skeletal demon to anally rape her. No, really. Empress Thora, fending off the demon’s attempted violation, summons a dragon to swoop in and EAT JEREMY IRONS. Whoa . . . I didn’t see that coming; unfortunately, neither did Jeremy Irons. Of course, after a giant lizard ingests the bad guy, everyone’s happy. Yay!

Sometime later, Empress Thora gives a triumphant speech to her subjects while Ridley and his associates visit Snails’ lackluster grave. Honestly, he has a pile of rocks for a headstone; you’d think, since Ridley and the gang saved the empress’ lands, she’s spring for something a little fancier. Maybe she’s not so sweet after all. Ridley, because he promised Snails this ages ago in the film, puts the gem from the thieves’ maze on his buddy’s grave and then, for totally unexplained reasons, it glows! Then, worrisomely, Snails’ name disappears from the headstone. Uh-oh . . . I don’t like where this is going. The HOT CHICK elf, on hand just because, says to Ridley that Snails is waiting for him . . . somewhere. Therefore, all of the remaining heroes pick up the gem and then they explode! And that’s the end of the movie!?! Huh?

I know that I shouldn’t insult and harangue the artistic vision and labor of love that is this film, but I believe I have to out of good conscience. Dungeons & Dragons, for lack of better words, makes no sense. While it seems like the bulk of the characters take time out to explain everything that’s going on in the plot, when it comes right down to it, all the important stuff is left unexplained. Why would Empress Thora be crazy enough – if she is such a sweetheart – to summon dragons to destroy her own city? Why was the minor villain of the film wearing blue lipstick? Why was the magic council just a bunch of spineless old guys who mumble a lot? And, most significantly, why did they all have to blow up in the end? Did we really need an ambiguous ending? The movie would have been fine without the insinuation that Snails, somehow, had been resurrected. The film still had a minority character in the HOT CHICK elf, so I’m sure it wasn’t racially motivated. I don’t get it; I just don’t. Perhaps making it all worse is the fact that half the cast threw themselves into the project with gusto – perhaps a little too much; eh, Mr. Irons? – while the other half constantly looked like they’d rather be painting a house. Don’t get me wrong; a part of me does feel badly in making light of Mr. Solomon’s cinematic opus . . . but the other part of me wishes that he had done it right.

Join me next week as we start a month of people who shouldn’t be in films with a touching tale about a magical basketball player. See you then!