Misunderstood Masterpieces 4.28.09: Psycho Beach Party

Posted by Will Helm on 04.28.2009

...or, Gidget Is So Much Better with a Little Murder Involved

Before the "Frankie and Annette" series of beach movies, there was another popular beach franchise gracing movie screens with its presence: the Gidget series. Initially starring the perky Sandra Dee as the title character – and, later, Deborah Whalley, Cindy Carol, and Sally Field in subsequent sequels and a television adaptation, the Gidget series was a hit in its day and, it could be said, touched off the start of the surfing genre.

Almost thirty years later, in 1987, playwright Charles Busch penned a satire of the Gidget series for the stage, adding a darkly comic element to the insufferably perky series. The result, Psycho Beach Party, hit the off-Broadway theaters and, thirteen years later, was adapted into a feature film. The resulting film, creatively titled Psycho Beach Party, played largely to the festival and indie-cinema crowd and then became a staple on, of course, HBO and other cable networks. Featuring a bevy of young stars, Psycho Beach Party mixes the fun of an early '60s surf flick with Hitchcockian psychodrama . . . because all the kids love that kind of thing. It's like peanut butter and chocolate. Though Psycho Beach Party may not have been a box-office smash and was relegated to the ignominy of repeated plays on cable, it may very well be a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!

In a black-and-white world, some guy pulls up to a cafe on a motorcycle. I'm going to wager that he's tough, yet sensitive, and his name is "Jake." Actually, I'm wrong on the "Jake" part and, perhaps, the former part as well, as he goes into the café to make trouble. Of course, he does reveal himself to be tough, yet sensitive, as it's all for some HOT CHICK (Kimberley Davies) who lives in a box in the café. And why does she live in the box? Because, after the fake "Jake" freaks out and tears it away, it is revealed that the HOT CHICK has three heads! Dum-dum-DUM!

This shocking revelation is followed by another shocking revelation: this is all going-on in a drive-in movie! Dum-dum-DUM? Of course, as per a drive-in movie's particular idiom, none of the teens in the audience seem to care much about the plot because they're all too busy making out . . . except for tomboyish Florence (Lauren Ambrose) and her nerdy pal Berdine (Danni Wheeler). While Berdine rambles about the psychological implications of the film, Florence excuses herself to the snack bar; along the way, she chats with some Swedish guy (Matt Keeslar) about the fact that she's not so much into guys. Ah . . . that explains the tomboyishness. After this not-so-startling confession, Florence has a little altercation with some angry chick in a wheelchair (Kathleen "CLARE!" Robertson), who infers that Florence is going to Denmark for the summer . . . for a sex change.

Oh, a little explanation about the "CLARE!" thing: though I wasn't a regular watcher of Beverly Hills, 90210, once in a while I would be forced to watch it by whomever hijacked the television in college. During these forced viewings, I decided to champion Clare's existence because, like Monica Keena's Abby on Dawson's Creek, she was the only entertaining character on the show, by virtue of not being utterly and totally annoying. Of course, it didn't hurt that she started out as a proto-hipster sex freak.

Elsewhere in the drive-in, some HOT CHICK (a very young Amy Adams) hits on Xander (Nicholas Bredon) from her car. Back at the snack bar, Florence goes schizo when the guy behind the counter ignores her for a nice bit of sweater meat. Meanwhile, Berdine, who must have grown impatient waiting for Florence to bring back her weiner, finds a dead chick in a car . . . and then some other chick shimmies through the opening credits. Luckily, that chick's not dead like the one in the car. After the credits – and impromptu musical number – Florence and Berdine stroll down a sylvan lane and chat about the murder until a transvestite detective (writer Busch) arrives on the scene to question them. Before Florence and Berdine can submit to questioning, Florence's mom (Beth Broderick) shows up, upset that Florence didn't tell her about the murder the night before. Maybe Florence is just worried that news of the crime will just depress home prices further. While the transvestite detective protests, Florence's mom takes her daughter home, where she then does the Swedish guy's laundry – since he's an exchange student living in the house – giving his jock strap particular attention.

Later that day, Florence, Berdine, and the HOT CHICK – her name's Marvel Ann, but that's not half as good as "HOT CHICK" . . . then again, what is? – head over to Malibu Beach for fun in the sun, or at least as much fun as can be had with Berdine constantly complaining. While Florence and Berdine chill on a towel, the HOT CHICK plans a trap for the boys of the beach and, to that end, she saunters over to a flock of surfers and poses for them. Unfortunately, the surfers seem to be too interested in a little homo-erotic grappling to notice, so the HOT CHICK drops the straps to her top, garnering the attention of Xander, who ambles over to help her out of her predicament while using fancy college talk to flirt with her. Before the HOT CHICK can sink her claws into Xander, Florence and Berdine rudely interrupt because Florence wants to learn how to surf because she wants to be cool and she has no use for boys anyway; of course, unsurprisingly, the surfers mock her because chick's don't surf.

Later, Florence vents her envy and Berdine, strangely, mocks Florence's flat chest. Umm . . . OK? Florence, still wanting to learn how to surf, bribes a spaz surfer (Buddy Quaid) for information about the beach's mysterious surfing king, Kanaka. After gathering information, Florence runs a little reconnaissance mission wherein she breaks into Kanaka's beach shack to find out about him. Unfortunately for Florence, she neglects to station any lookouts outside, so Kanaka (Thomas Gibson) catches her and she freaks out. Florence does compose herself quickly, though, and she tells Kanaka that she wants to learn how to surf; he, wisely, refuses . . . so she goes schizo again and starts doing a Mae West impression. OK, seriously? Does every female character have to do a Mae West impression? As Florence's little episode turns her into a dominatrix, Kanaka reconsiders his position on the matter of teaching Florence to surf, especially when Florence snaps back to normal all of a sudden.

Sometime after their little meeting, Florence and Kanaka surf together in front of a green screen while the other surfers mock him for taking Florence under his wing. Xander, to his credit, since he's a deep and intellectual college student, defends Kanaka for being an equal opportunity surfing instructor. Then, one of the other surfers ruins the moment by talking about his testicles while watching a HOT CHICK walk by. Elsewhere, in a diner, Berdine waits for Florence, but, instead of her friend, the chick in the wheelchair rolls by to mock Berdine and rat out Florence, who's busy making time with the surfers.

Back at the beach, Florence goes schizo again for no particular reason and even swears REVENGE – for what, I have no clue. Meanwhile, one of the surfers complains about constipation and Xander tells him that it's all due to his Darkplace. Garth Marenghi would be proud. Perhaps to calm themselves, the surfers perform more homo-erotic grappling, but it's starting to make Xander a little uncomfortable . . . especially when one of the surfers starts squirting oil all over the two ersatz wrestlers. Things then become a little more uncomfortable when the surfers find a severed hand, which belongs to the spaz surfer from earlier!

With another murder on her hands, the transvestite detective arrives once more to investigate. Though the transvestite detective is suspicious of Florence, since she's been at two of the murder scenes already, Kanaka vouches for her and then he hits on the transvestite detective, who evades Kanaka's advances and then confesses that she doesn't like teens very much, especially surfing, murdering ones. That night, Florence has a talk with the Swedish guy about the murder and all the interesting things going on inside her, so he gives her some words of wisdom . . . in Swedish. Yeah; that'll help.

The next day, the surfers discover that the HOT CHICK actress from the movie at the drive-in is hiding out in one of the houses on the beach. It seems that, after the surfers question her a bit, she's trying to hold out for more respect in the film industry because she doesn't want to be a piece of meat. Though the surfers don't quite understand, Berdine shows up to yell at Florence for being a bad friend and then she freaks out at the HOT CHICK actress, after which they bond over Nietzsche. While Berdine and the HOT CHICK actress form a partnership . . . a BUSINESS partnership, perverts, Florence surfs and Xander watches curiously from the shore. It's convenient that he does, since he's then on hand to rescue Florence from a particularly bad wipeout. Florence, rather than be grateful, gets testy with Xander because everyone thinks he's perfect, even though he contends that he isn't. Florence, meanwhile, at least, thinks he is, which can only mean that she isn't a tomboy anymore.

Meanwhile, back at the HOT CHICK actress' house, she and Berdine chat about the HOT CHICK actress' past roles until the other surfers show up to provide exposition about the house, which was the scene of a mass murder and is possibly haunted. The HOT CHICK actress, rather than freaking out and leaving, instead plans a slumber party and exorcism to rid the house of its evil spirits. Unfortunately for Florence, her mom bans her from going to the party, so Florence goes schizo yet again and slaps her mom around. The mom, a little more docile after a good smack, agrees to let Florence attend, much to now-normal Florence's delight.

At the party, the HOT CHICK actress talks all sexy, much to the surfers' delight, until Berdine ruins the mood with some annoying rambling about rituals and chants. Something tells me the logical result of this whole scene can only be one thing: zombies. While everyone scolds Berdine for ruining the mood, Florence corners Xander and asks him about her episodes, but he thinks she's talking about Berdine. After some friendly advice, Florence and Xander hug and Florence then goes schizo again, but, before she can seduce Xander as dominatrix Mae West, the HOT CHICK shows up to interrupt. Meanwhile, in the bathroom, another surfer is murdered while the two homo-erotic surfers cross-dress. The HOT CHICK actress catches them together and, remarkably, gives them fashion tips. Later, Florence and Berdine have a discussion wherein Berdine reveals she's jealous of Florence's newfound popularity and Florence confesses that she might be crazy. Before any more interesting revelations can be . . . .revealed, Kanaka shows up out of nowhere and the HOT CHICK actress finds the corpse of the surfer. Dum-dum-DUM!

Yet again, the transvestite detective shows up for the investigation, but, this time, rather than question the suspects, she swoons over Kanaka and then she has a flashback to their torrid love affair back when they were both in the police academy together. I wonder if Commandant Lassard would approve of that! It seems that, according to the flashback, the transvestite detective spurned Kanaka for her career and she's been regretting it ever since . . . which leads to the transvestite detective making an amazing revelation about a common thread among the victims: they all had medical conditions! What a torrid love affair has to do with murder, I'll never know, but I credit the movie for the unbelievable non-sequitur.

Back at Florence's house, her mom suspiciously sharpens a knife. Later, the surfers mourn, but Kanaka tells them all that they should still have a luau in honor of their fallen comrades. Perhaps as a last tribute to their brethren, the surfers surf – in front of a green screen – until Xander goes off to see his HOT CHICK. Meanwhile, at the police station, the transvestite detective asks a profiler about the psychology of the murderer while she daydreams about the characters and their propensity for homicide. On the beach, Florence asks Kanaka about courting a man with her vagina and then he asks her about her dominatrix persona because he's kind of into it and kinky like that. As if on cue, Florence goes schizo and Kanaka turns into a willing submissive; unfortunately for him, Florence manifests a ghetto persona, rather than her sexually aggressive side. Oops.

Sometime later, the HOT CHICK actress, Berdine, and the homo-erotic surfers go to a diner together, where the chick in the wheelchair sasses at them for being lame. Outside, someone hijacks the chick in the wheelchair's wheelchair when the HOT CHICK actress freaks out and leaves in a huff, due to the chick in the wheelchair's rebukes. In her stead, Florence shows up, this time channeling Norma Desmond, because that makes absolutely no sense at this point. Then, out of nowhere, Florence goes back to normal just in time for the HOT CHICK actress to scream from outside, since the chick in the wheelchair has been decapitated!

Guess what? It's time for the transvestite detective to show up once again because there's been a murder; finally, she decides to round up the surviving surfers and takes them to her office for questioning. Once there, the surfers mock the interrogation, until the homo-erotic surfers kind of, sort of, come out of the closet. Well, that would explain why the one surfer is constipated. Elsewhere, in Florence's room, Florence and Berdine chat and almost make out – which makes little sense at this point – but the Swedish guy interrupts before a full-on lesbian lip-lock can commence. The Swedish guy says he's going to the luau, but, alas, Florence isn't going due to her mom's interference.

Later that afternoon, at the beach, the HOT CHICK dumps Xander, so he "accidentally" rips off her bikini bottom. Then, just because, Florence swoops over to make Xander jealous, now that he's apparently single. After a truce, Florence then inquires about Xander's love life, which is her clumsy attempt at hitting on him; he confesses some tender lovemaking, which Florence enjoys greatly until Xander graphically describes the HOT CHICK performing fellatio. Evidently Florence is only a one-input kind of gal. Sometime after, Xander visits Kanaka in his pad and they argue about Florence; Kanaka reveals, much to Xander's surprise, that Florence is actually schizophrenic, so Xander deduces that Florence could be the murderer. Serendipitously, just at this moment, Florence shows up, which causes Xander and Kanaka to fight, the result of which is Florence getting slugged right in the mug . . . just as her mom shows up to break up the brawl and threaten prosecution for statutory rape, since that's all the rage in the mid-'60s.

At the police station, the transvestite detective plays a word game with her assistant and has another discovery on the murder case. Later, that evening, the Swedish guy asks to borrow Florence's mom's car to go to the luau but, before he can leave, she has him change a light bulb for her and uses the moment as an opportunity to seduce him. The Swedish guy, much to his credit, refuses Florence's mom's advances because she's drunk, even though she is the '60s equivalent of a cougar. Down at the luau, Los Straight Jackets rocks out while white people dance badly . . . until the HOT CHICK and the HOT CHICK actress have a DANCE BATTLE! The HOT CHICK actress, of course, wins, so the HOT CHICK scrambles off to Oscar-nominated roles later in the decade.

Back at Florence's, Berdine breaks into Florence's room – via a grappling hook – and busts Florence out, since she's wanted at the luau. Oh yeah! It's a JAILBREAK . . . sort of. I'll take what I can get at this point. Back at the luau, Xander searches for Florence while the homo-erotic surfers finally make out, which somehow relieves the one surfer's constipation. After a few moments, Florence and Berdine finally arrive at the luau, but, once there, Xander tells Florence to leave for her own safety, since the killer is after individuals with medical conditions . . . like schizophrenia. Florence, suspicious of Xander's motives, freaks out and stubbornly stays at the party instead, much to his chagrin.

Elsewhere, Kanaka confronts some cretin (Channon Roe) who's there to cause trouble by stating that any good luau requires a virgin sacrifice. Though Kanaka and Xander refuse the cretin's request, Florence volunteers anyway, because she either wants to get back at Xander or she's tired of this whole "virgin" thing. After a bit of a makeover mainly involving palm fronds, Florence, on a litter, goes schizo again and chases off the cretin with a broken bottle. Then, in the aftermath, Florence's mom shows up with the transvestite detective, intent on having Kanaka and Xander arrested for statutory rape.

Before the cops can slap the cuffs on him, Xander quickly diagnoses Florence as a nutcase and agrees to hypnotize her to cure her malady. Somehow, Florence turns into a schizophrenic radio and then a little kid. During this regression, Florence reveals that her mom was actually a hooker back in the day and then young Florence killed some kid on a swing, which caused her mom to go legit. While the rest of the crowd stands back, horrified at the epiphany, the HOT CHICK actress steps forward with an offer to option the story for a new movie, since she is still a Hollywood player and all.

After this revelation, the transvestite detective has Florence's mom arrested for murder – even though there's little to no hard evidence in the case – and everyone reconciles while the Swedish guy drops by to take Florence home. While Florence and the Swedish guy head off to safety, the rest of the gang discerns, miraculously, that he's actually the murderer of everyone ever and was disguised as a Swedish guy all along! Dum-dum-DUM! Somehow, Florence also comes to this conclusion, so she escapes from the Swedish guy's clutches to a nearby drive-in. Once there, the not-so-Swedish guy confronts Florence, so she goes into her ghetto schizo persona and stabs him.

The not-so-Swedish guy, remarkably, recovers from being stabbed in the back of the neck to chase Florence through the drive-in and up the marquee, where the transvestite detective shoots him and he falls to his death. As a denouement, Xander and Florence end up together, as do the transvestite detective and Kanaka, which is kind of sweet and kind of creepy. Xander, after helping Florence through her issues, elects to return to college for psychology and, after parting ways with Florence, she wakes up in a booby hatch, where she's been all along! As characters from the film administer shock treatment in a Bizarro nod to The Wizard of Oz, it is revealed that this is all a drive-in movie . . . until Florence, as her dominatrix persona . . . which may or may not be really her at this point, pops up to stab some movie-goers in their car. And then the dancing chick returns to shimmy through the closing credits as well.

Psycho Beach Party, like the predecessors it satirizes, may not be a great movie, but it certainly is entertaining. To their credit, the cast jumps head-first into the material, giving the proceedings a fun, casual flair. In addition, the screenplay is chock full of intellectual wit totally out of place in the setting of a surf movie, harking to the aforementioned Hitchcockian elements of the film. It isn't every surf movie where Nietzsche and schizophrenia are important plot points, but they are here. The only problem with the film, alas, is its clumsy ending, but, all things considered, there more than likely was no other ending possible in this situation, so that can be forgiven. Though sadly relegated to frequent cable broadcasts, Psycho Beach Party is worthy of so much more, for it is a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I kick off a trilogy in tribute to some of the finest independent filmmakers of the past, beginning with a risqué little number from one of Baltimore's finest. See you then!
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