Misunderstood Masterpieces: Ringmaster
Posted by Will Helm on 12.06.2005
...or, It Came from Wal-Mart!
In the past decade or so, the television talk show – in all its bizarre and lascivious reverie – has achieved an apogee on American airwaves. While Montell Williams may give paternity tests out like candy and Maury Povich may sympathize with all of his might, one man led the way with a bizarre cavalcade of subjects from America’s seedy underbelly: Jerry Springer.
The one-time Cincinnati politician – he was both a council member and a mayor during the ‘70s – touched a nerve with American popular culture when his once-serious talk show switched formats due to flagging ratings. Unfortunately, the nerve-touching – which sounds vaguely dirty – involved a transformation to a salacious program featuring every type of depravity known to man . . . and even some unknown at the time. Oddly enough, while some would have thought that The Jerry Springer Show would flop due to its scandalous content, it didn’t. In fact, the show became a phenomenon and Springer himself an unlikely celebrity, known for his oft-bewildered demeanor in the face of feuding white-trash families and odd perversions great and small and his oddly philosophical “Final Thoughts.” Now, just because Jerry Springer became an icon of the talk-show business and his show an unparalleled success – or guilty pleasure, depending on how you feel about it – surely, you’re probably thinking, they just can’t make a movie with Springer in it!
Oh how wrong you are.
Released in 1998, the quizzically titled Ringmaster boasts Jerry Springer not as the emcee of a circus but, oddly, as a character much like himself. Alright, exactly like himself . . . except just a different last name. Is there any reason why films do that sometimes? Have the names been changed to protect . . . the guy on screen? Anyway, Ringmaster, produced for pretty much no reason at all, was an unmitigated flop and is, currently, #75 on the IMDB.com Bottom 100 (I’m sensing a theme with these films lately; aren’t you?). Since it does rate at #75, that must mean that, in its own way, Ringmaster is therefore “better” – as if bad movies can be considered “better” than anything – than Kazaam. Is that a valid statement? Let’s press on and find out.
Now, as this is a Jerry Springer film, where would be the most likely place for it to begin? If you said “A trailer park,” you’d be right. If you said “in my medulla oblongata” . . . you’re studying way too much neurological anatomy. Put the book down and allow me to have your undivided attention; you don’t need to pass medical school anyway. Anyway, at the tornado bait – I mean “trailer park” – there’s apparently giggling and sex going on while James Brown plays in the background. Judging by the two initial things present, I’d say someone certainly does feel good. After a few moments of implied copulation, some chick mumbles and then goes to work . . . and it’s Jaime Pressly! When you need a fairly HOT CHICK for your movie, regardless of quality, there’s only one person to call: Jaime Pressly. How many other actresses can boast such award winners as Poison Ivy: The New Seduction, Joe Dirt, and Torque on their résumés?
The lovely and non-script-averse Jaime Pressly starts working as a housekeeper at a motel; meanwhile, some other woman (Molly Hagan) opens up a roach coach – lunch truck, for those unaware of that euphemism. While Jaime Pressly cleans each room very carefully, she enters one of the rooms where she’s accosted by character actor extraordinaire M.C. Gainey in all his sleazy glory. Speaking of glory, Jaime Pressly, without any real explanation, elects to hob M.C. Gainey’s knob right there in the room. I guess that’s in lieu of chocolates under the pillow. Then again, she might just be doing it for meth money. Dammit . . . and I promised myself I wouldn’t resort to meth jokes! I feel so dirty. And unoriginal.
While Jaime Pressly gets a mouthful of M.C. Gainey, back at the trailer park, some dude in a wife-beater (Michael Dudikoff, a.k.a. the dumb guy from Bachelor Party) watches dog races on television. Later that day, Jaime Pressly goes back to her trailer in the lovely park – I’ve seen better . . . mainly Sunnyvale in Nova Scotia – to see her dim-witted, very adolescent-looking boyfriend (Ashley Holbrook, who looks like the love child of Brett Favre and Drew Bledsoe). After a brief meeting of the “minds,” Jaime Pressly pays a visit to the other woman’s trailer, who happens to live with the dude from Bachelor Party. While the other woman is distracted by some inconsequential plot device, Jaime Pressly and the dude make out on the couch. The other woman sort-of catches them in the act, although she might have just thought he was giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Some people like to live in denial. Rather than throw Jaime Pressly out of the trailer, the trio instead decides to watch The Jerry Springer Show – oh, excuse me, The “Jerry Farrelly” Show – on television, where two portly women fight over a man for some unexplained reason.
After watching a bit of the show, the other woman leaves to call up Jerry’s show because her daughter, apparently, is having an affair with her stepfather . . . which means that she’s Jaime Pressly’s mother and the dude from Bachelor Party is the other woman’s husband and, therefore, Jaime Pressly’s stepfather! Or at least that’s what we’re left to infer. After making the call, the mom finally throws Jaime Pressly out of her house – I mean “trailer” – and then rehearses her big break on The Jerry Farrelly Show. Umm . . . weird. That just gives a whole Sunset Boulevard vibe for some reason. Meanwhile, somewhere else in the United States, some black guy (Michael Jai White) gets it on with some chick; in an adjacent room, another girl calls Jerry’s show because her girl is getting it on with her boyfriend . . . and she’s referring to the copulating couple in the other room! After she concludes her call, the first chick confronts the black guy and the other chick and the black guy is left holding a towel over himself like he’s D’Angelo or something.
On the streets of Los Angeles, Sgt. Joe Friday and Detective . . . oh, wait. Wrong movie. Although is it so hard to have a movie that isn’t in some way connected with Tom Hanks? Seriously, Michael Dudikoff. Anyway, on the streets of Los Angeles, famed talk-show host Jerry Farrelly (Springer) chats with some manager guy (John Capodice) while walking to a diner. Once in the diner, some old waitress shows Jerry pictures of her not-as-homely-as-she-should-have-been daughter. Seriously, if you’re going to have pictures of homely daughters for comedic effect, make sure they are, in fact, homely and not just slightly average. Meanwhile, some guy insults Jerry and his livelihood, so the waitress sasses him out of the place. After Jerry and his manager guy sit down to lunch, some skinny girl shows Jerry her flat chest; Jerry, meanwhile, is trying to do business amid the chaos. I give him credit for trying, but it’s all for naught as a weepy waitress comes over and asks for career advice; meanwhile, the manager guy fellates a pickle. Seriously.
Later, on Jerry’s show, two topless chicks make out onstage; meanwhile, I wonder if they squeak when they rub together, due to the massive amount of silicone on display. Note to women desiring fake breasts: know when to say “when.” After the episode concludes, some fat guy behind the scenes proposes a bestiality-themed show, which is apparently just an excuse for him to marry his goat on television. Insert a joke about the pastoral ethnic group of your choice here. Back in the lovely trailer park, the mom pesters the dude, who’s trying to sleep peacefully in his wife-beater. She tells him, while she gets herself together, that she’s “going to the casino” that night – hmm, I smell a setup – and then she leaves. Mere moments after she’s out the door, Jaime Pressly joins the dude in bed and then, as if through a time warp, Jaime Pressly goes to work and then to the liquor store to cash a paycheck. Due to some clerical error, Jaime Pressly punches out a security guard and then gets arrested. Or something like that.
Back in Los Angeles, Jerry, while walking to his office, learns that he’s being sued for paternity but he doesn’t care. Hmm . . . maybe he could be a guest on his own show. That’d make for interesting television. Over in trailer-park-land, the dude bails Jaime Pressly out of jail, pretty much just so that they can go back to the trailer and screw. That sounds oddly like a country song. I think it’s Big & Rich or Gretchen Wilson. Or Big & Rich with Gretchen Wilson. But I could be wrong. Anyway, while Jaime Pressly thanks the dude VERY personally for getting her out of the pokey – although now she’s getting the pokey, so to speak – the mom “comes back” from the “casino” early just in time to catch Jaime Pressly and the dude together! Wow . . . that’s such a surprising plot development. I could not see that coming at all. And I could not be more sarcastic when I say that. After slapping the dude around for no particular reason, the mom sluts herself up a bit and then she nails Jaime Pressly’s dopey boyfriend . . . in front of his trailer. So is that trailer-cest? Or just “tough lovemaking”?
Later, the mom calls Jerry’s show and Jerry’s assistant on the other end (William McNamara) is excited about the prospects of this episode . . . until the mom hits on him. Hmm . . . like mother, like daughter, I suppose. This movie certainly makes a case for nurture over nature. That night, Jerry – in a very disturbing visual – gets some off a HOT CHICK while watching his own show. For some reason, his chick seems bizarrely understanding about the overwhelming narcissism on display. Then again, some things just shouldn’t be explained . . . and this is one of them. Sometime later, the mom irons in her bra in her trailer’s kitchen, but she’s rudely interrupted by a call from Jerry’s people; it seems she and her plight have been accepted onto Jerry’s show! The mom and – for some reason – Jaime Pressly celebrate together like they’re on The Price Is Right while the dude stands by, confused. It must be the meth in his system. Dammit . . . there I go again. Anyway, the mom hides behind her ruse regarding the true background behind the call . . . and then she and her daughter argue, totally ruining the good spirits.
Meanwhile, just in case you thought the movie forgot about them, we also discover that the aggrieved black chick – and her cheatin’ friends – are also going on Jerry’s show as well! In fact, the show must be later that day, as they’re already on a plane together – with the black guy in tow – singing and arguing. Elsewhere, the white-trash crew finally escape the trailer park and drive to Los Angeles for their big break on Jerry’s show. Once there, Jaime Pressly – who seriously needs some therapy or something – hits on the black guy until one of the black chicks puts her in her place. Jaime Pressly, not content to be cut off by some rival women, then decides to wander about and hit on Jerry in his office. Meanwhile, Jerry’s prettyboy assistant and his harried female assistant (Dawn Maxey) give the assembled guests – except for Jaime Pressly, who’s too busy making time with the star . . . and the producer of the movie as well – a lecture about proper conduct on the show. Because that always seems to work just fine. Midway through the speech, the mom goes off in search of her daughter and then, after finding her, she hits on Jerry as well. Whoa . . . this is turning into the plot of a terrible porno. The mom, craftily, requests an autograph from Jerry for her T-shirt, which is pretty much an excuse to show off the fact that she is now – unlike when she was ironing earlier – sans brassiere.
While her mom shows off her pert assets to Jerry, Jaime Pressly meets up with the black guy in the hallway; meanwhile, the mom returns to the lecture . . . only to get up again once she realizes her daughter is still missing. Maybe a dingo took her! Or maybe the black guy’s just getting ready to eat her, as the mom finds him and Jaime Pressly making out in a closet. After prying Jaime Pressly away from the black guy, the mom makes a play for a little dark meat as well, but the black guy is a bit apprehensive about that. Back at the lecture, the main black chick asks the mom, who returned once more, just where the black guy is. While Jerry is interviewed by a serious newswoman in his office, they’re rudely interrupted multiple times when the main black chick screams in the hallway looking for the black guy. With the threat of death over him, the black guy wisely breaks off his illicit dealings with Jaime Pressly, but she invites him to her room later . . . room 227. OK, why did it have to be 227? Is it because he’s black and, therefore, must have some affinity for the hilarious comedy stylings of Marla Gibbs and Jackée? The world wants to know!
What . . . did you expect me to say “Suckas gots to know?” Shame on you.
While Jaime Pressly and the black chick argue and then tussle in the hallway, the dopey boyfriend and the dude have a little chat about Jaime Pressly’s sexual proclivities. It seems that, according to the dude, Jaime Pressly likes a bit of tongue action, as he helpfully demonstrates; the dopey boyfriend, meanwhile, thinks she just likes ice cream. Well . . . it’s certainly obvious she does crave one specific kind of cream. Meanwhile, the other two black chicks chat with Jerry and one of them shows him a tattoo on her posterior. You know, one of these days I’d love to see a girl with a back or derriere tattoo that says “Aim Here” or “No Entry” . . . just because it’d entertain me. Although bad aim would explain the origin of those once-ubiquitous tribal tattoos on some girls’ lower backs. Then the guy could just brag that he helped her “design” it.
Later, while the manager guy chats with the interviewer from earlier in the picture, the dude and the dopey boyfriend share a hotel room together. After a little bit of bickering, the dude goes next door to take his fight to the mom and Jaime Pressly. It seems that the dude is getting cold feet and now he doesn’t want to go on the show. The dude: smartest character in the movie. The mom – in a masque that makes her look like she’s wearing blackface . . . damn you, movie! – hears his argument and attempts to assuage the dude’s misgivings. Instead of just listening to his woman, he actually shows some semblance of the existence of a brain cell in that meth-addled noggin – dammit, there I go again – and rebels against her tyranny, leaving everyone else behind to wallow in their own misery . . . on Jerry Farrelly’s show.
Elsewhere that evening, for no discernable reason – the plot device is that it’s for a publicity gig – Jerry and his crew show up at a honky-tonk. Ooh! I wonder if Dalton is there? Jerry, dressed as Glen Campbell, argues with his manager guy while his pretty boy assistant chats with an obvious – to us – tranny. Back at the hotel, the mom and Jaime Pressly talk things over while the dopey boyfriend comes in and asks if they want to go see the “Hollywood” sign. Oh yeah . . . he’s going to get mugged and murdered. Silly tourists. The mom and Jaime Pressly ignore him so he leaves just in time to let the black guy show up to hook up with Jaime Pressly. Of course, since she can’t be trusted with a vagina, Jaime Pressly goes to the next room – although just how did he know to look in room 229, where she really was anyway? – to get it on! Meanwhile, hilariously, the lead black chick saunters down the hallway looking for her boo . . . and, suspiciously, Jaime Pressly as well. Ooh . . . you know what that can only mean? Threesome! Or not, as, in the course of her search, the black chick puts down a desk clerk for no reason other than she’s looking for some REVENGE!
Back upstairs, the boyfriend, who discovered the “Hollywood” sign just didn’t live up to expectations, returns to find Jaime Pressly and the black guy in flagrante delicto. Although here’s another weird continuity problem: earlier in the film, the boyfriend couldn’t return to his room because he locked his key inside the room; now, somehow, he can open the door with a phantom key. Of course, he could’ve gotten one from the desk clerk, but we’re never party to that piece of information, so it’s only conjecture at this point. So, what’s the call, movie? Anyway, like any cuckolded boyfriend, the dopey boyfriend drowns his sorrows in the bar, where he momentarily meets up with the lead black chick. Unfortunately, he’s too dopey to exact some REVENGE of his own with her.
Back at the honky-tonk, Jerry takes the stage and sings . . . badly. Although I wonder if this is a soundtrack cut. Hmm. Meanwhile, the mom, slutting herself up for a night of debauchery – no doubt – has a breakdown while putting on makeup in the mirror. Over at the roadhouse, after Jerry concludes his “performance,” some chick wants an autograph on her pregnant abdomen. Sure . . . it’s probably healthy for her to be in a smoky bar in that condition. There isn’t any such thing as second-hand smoke anyway. That message was paid for by Friends of Philip Morris. At the hotel, the black chicks have a little chat because, in lieu of finding the black guy and sitting around doing nothing, they want to party. The lead black chick, probably to help spur on the plot, stays behind.
Down at the hotel bar, the slutted-up mom sits down to relax . . . until some sleazy guy – though, really, what guy in a hotel bar isn’t sleazy? – joins her and buys her a drink. Meanwhile, after their tryst concludes, the black guy “sincerely” tells Jaime Pressly that he’ll call her; with a line like that, he belongs in the hotel bar. Elsewhere, the dopey boyfriend changes his adjectival status to “drunken dopey boyfriend.” A little while later, the mom, taking leave of the sleazy guy in the bar, heads back to her room but, along the way, she runs into the black guy who – oddly – spurns her advances. I guess she wants to prove that she didn’t teach her daughter everything she knows. Weird. Although, perhaps because he’s just so nice – he is going to call her daughter, after all – the mom has another breakdown and decides she just wants to cuddle . . . and the black guy obliges. Whatever, movie. Finally, the drunken, dopey boyfriend returns to Jaime Pressly’s room where he passes out due to severe intoxication. If he dies, I’ll laugh. Elsewhere, the black guy and the mom, oddly romantically, dance in front of an elevator door, which is pretty much just a set up to them being caught together by the other two black chicks. Dum-dum-DUM!
The next day, the trio of black chicks prepares for the show and, in the process, they compare their chests. Umm . . . OK. Is that why women have to go to the bathroom in packs? At the studio, the uptight female assistant (a.k.a. the only remotely likable character in the film so far) is stressed by the goings on; one good reason for that may be the fact that the prettyboy assistant is too busy obsessing over the tranny to do any work. But work he does as he later helps the white-trash family rehearse for the show. Hmm . . . that’s oddly suspect. Could guests on The Jerry Farrelly Show be coached? What about the journalistic integrity!
At the start of the show, the black guy and the chicks – for no explainable reason – are in the audience . . . and front row, too. Hmm. The dopey, hung-over boyfriend then decides, behind the scenes, that he’s going to rat out Jaime Pressly for her illicit actions. Jerry, unaware of the duplicity going on under his nose, starts the show; meanwhile, back at the trailer park, the dude – somehow – watches a live feed of that episode. Therefore, he then learns – possibly much to his chagrin, if the meth didn’t dull his senses and mind to the point of imbecility . . . dammit, I did it again! – that Jaime Pressly is pregnant with his baby! And the dopey, hung-over boyfriend – proving himself to be not that dopey – reveals that his relationship with Jaime Pressly was all a ruse so that she could have an excuse for the pregnancy!
Of course, since he’s on a roll, the once-dopey boyfriend doesn’t stop there, as he then tattles on the black guy and the black chick, not happy with finding out her man’s a playa, rushes the stage to pummel Jaime Pressly. After things settle down – and we learn that Jerry’s main accomplice, Steve, isn’t present on the set (or in the film) – the black chicks rat out the mom, so the main black chick freaks out again and this time has her sights set on the mom! Then, for no real reason whatsoever, Jaime Pressly decides to join in and fight her own mother! Whoa . . . this is getting heavy. After a bit of a scuffle, civility reigns and Jerry, wisely, ends the show.
Later, in the dressing room, Jaime Pressly and the mom sit back and relax and Jaime Pressly lights up a cigarette to help calm her nerves. I guess all the findings about cigarettes causing birth defects in babies were lies. This message was paid for by The People in Support of R.J. Reynolds. While Jaime Pressly puffs away on her magic cigarette, she and the mom have a little chat wherein we learn that, if my math is correct, the mom is only thirty-four or so. Wow . . . it must be the meth. OK; I’m sorry. I’ll stop now. The mom, through her Oscar-caliber speech, voices her regrets to Jaime Pressly and then they share a “moment” together. How sweet: cigarettes bring feuding white-trash families together. Enjoy the power of cigarettes and, remember, Luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother.
Back on the set, Jerry gives his Final Thought . . . until he’s rudely interrupted by a preacher who looks oddly like the Honky-Tonk Man! It’s REVENGE for his terrible performance earlier in the film! Or not, as the preacher rails against the depravity and iniquity on Jerry’s show; Jerry, eloquent individual that he is, stands up for his show and for the guests on it by stating, patriotically, that whether the preacher likes it or not, they are America. Remind me to move to Canada the next chance I get. Later, as a denouement, the not-so-dopey boyfriend and the black guy chat about nothing in particular and the black chicks, just because, make up because they’re “friends forever.” Whatever, movie. Elsewhere, the mom and Jaime Pressly conspire to get a picture with Jerry . . . which can only mean one thing: incestuous threesome! Ugh. Just ugh.
Even more later, while Jaime Pressly and the mom sit in a bar – I guess the alcohol industry paid for some advertising here too – they watch, on Jerry’s show, as the tranny from earlier in the film outs the prettyboy assistant! Wow . . . like we didn’t see that coming. And then, just before the mom and Jaime Pressly return home, the DVD stops playing. No, seriously. The only thing I can think of is that the DVD player actually got sick of playing the film and was trying to save me from it. Now, far be it from me to ignore the advice of an inanimate object, but for you, dear readers, I pushed on further to finish the film . . . and I hope you’re happy. Ingrates. Anyway, in the final scenes, the mom and Jaime Pressly return home where they find a Thor-impersonator has moved into the trailer next door . . . and then they both begin hitting on him. Well, I guess he’s got a huge . . . meth lab. DAMMIT!
I never thought I’d say this – but I’m too lazy to go back and see if I ever have – but Ringmaster isn’t just atrocious, it’s mind-numbingly bad. There are few films I’ve seen where nearly every character – and all of their decisions – are totally unlikable and illogical. And, oddly enough, for being a movie based on – and, presumably, centered around – Jerry Springer, he’s barely in the movie. Seriously, it is almost as if he’s just a plot device for all of the other chaos in the film to revolve around. I don’t know if he wanted it that way, but you would think that Jerry Springer would at least be the main character in his own movie and not Jaime Pressly . . . regardless of whether she’s a HOT CHICK or not. Then again, maybe that’s why: HOT CHICKS über alles.
Join me next week as I take on boy bands and their deleterious effects on our country’s youth. Or I’ll just explain why I hate them and their music with a passion . . . it’s pretty much the same thing, right? See you then!
